Dear Helcat,

“Have you considered that as you struggle with your issues, your partner struggles with feeling he’s done something wrong? … People who are less stable can struggle when people express difficult emotions sometimes.”

Yes he constantly thinks he has done something wrong, but I can totally see how he felt that way with how I would communicate him pressing a trigger. I would ask him why he kept hurting me. At the time, and quite honestly still, during the trigger response I feel upset the pain could have been avoided by him being more in-tuned with my feelings. I will literally tell him exactly what triggers me and sometimes he just goes and obliviously does it again and that makes me so upset, has he done something wrong in this case? When I have very clearly told him certain things are very touchy for me, him being late to dates is a common argument we have. That feeling of being forgotten by him, and therefore being unseen, hits me hard whenever he is late which is at least once every two weeks or so, if not more. I get upset, then he gets upset cause to him he is on time 80% of the time and I should accept that, but that’s way easier said than done, I cant just turn off the trigger or I would. But he thinks I should just be mentally stronger, like he seems to be.

“You felt comfortable when he was comfortable because when he was uncomfortable he would make you feel very unwanted.”

-Exactly.

“Your mother taught you to be very in touch with your desires because she attempted to go above and beyond to meet your desires at times.”

-Very interesting and feels true.

“At the same time you feel like you’re indecisive. Potentially, you are in two minds about things when this occurs?”

I feel like I am always in two minds, or at lest the majority of the time. Do you know of helpful techniques to focus and be in unity with one mind?

“They believe that if they act perfectly in certain ways that they can prevent abuse by managing their parents mood.”

This is definitely a mentality I remember happening, but I also remember feeling like no matter how hard I tried I fell short and something was wrong with me for it.

Helcat, on your last point, I would love for this to be a continual conversation, one of my fears is being stagnant in self improvement, but I can feel how effective this conversation is for me, and I hope you are benefiting from it as well?

I feel that same impulse to let people know they have been heard, it also hurts me deeply when I am the cause of someone else being on the “unseen” end of an interaction with me. I find that with people who do not have this sensitivity I can come across as if I am over doing, like my partner, when I lived with him I would make sure he heard me and make sure he felt heard and it was almost like I was being too proactive because he would respond as though I had already asked the question, like “yes yes you are all good baby just be.” I still do this and even feel unsettled to let a text message go without responding, but he does not get that feeling and is fine not responding, which used to really bother me cause it made me feel unseen, I am still working on reminding myself that doesn’t mean he doesn’t see me, he just simply isn’t letting me know he sees me. (like my Dad did with me! just realized this now, My dad felt unseen and would internally accuse me of not seeing his pain and empathizing with him, all because little to my knowledge his insecure self needed me to literally tell him he was seen. I literally began to do this for him, he would say he felt  I was ungrateful for what he did for me, so much that I started to send him random texts like “I love you” “I am thankful for all you do” (he paid my tuition so I would thank him for that randomly and often). I think seeing a therapist is definitely a huge reason my self awareness is where it is at today, but also my dad training me to care for him how he needed, made me have to be hyper-aware of how he was feeling so that I could proactively be what he needed so I didn’t get criticized later, a defense mechanism that lead to awareness of the people around me and what they need.

*this is probably one of the reasons you chose my thread to invest some of your time and mental energy to, because I began my post expressing how I felt unseen in my last thread I started in the forums. Just a thought but I am curious on your thoughts here?

It is so interesting that you bring up the mirror metaphor, I had never heard this before until just today, right before this post I am writing, I read the thread from Caroline on “self doubt, not being sure of myself.” In it I saw your metaphor on your mother being a mirror and I thought alot about that. I related to Caroline in her feeling helpless and feeling small tasks are more daunting for her than others due to her mother, and it made me wonder about my own mother and I need to reflect more on this but my immediate thoughts are that she used to make small tasks look more daunting, she had a huge shopping addiction with my dads credit card, which money was a huge argument they had all the time. Anyways she revealed to me many coping mechanisms for when someone hurts you, she drank wine, shopped and turned to other men. She was deeply empathetic which I appreciate seeing in the mirror, but she was also very insecure. I don’t think she knew who she was, and was insecure in group settings, but would act confident because she was a beautiful woman and she knew it and would flaunt it for validation.

Wow, what you said about your mother and long tirades about how you don’t care for her, as if you were out to get her, like she was paranoid. This is so hard, dealing with a parent with trust issues that they project onto you is so unfair. We were so young, trying to discover who we were and our own parent tells us we are someone who doesn’t know how to show someone we care about them. I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt? My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcisstic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations.

Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to read both my posts and giving me such a thoughtful response.

When I read your analysis that I “grew up Unseen” that hits a chord and is dead on. It speaks to my passion to make others feel seen, I have an intense empathy for people who are unseen, it is like a lens I cannot unsee now, I can’t even watch certain movies if a character is harmed in this was, just now realizing that’s probably because it’s a trigger, it makes me so sad for them and I can truly feel their pain. I also think I have an intense fear of not being seen, so much so that I try to avoid it, and don’t much like to spent time in groups of three because I am worried I will be the one left out.

Paragraph on having someone come turn on the lights is so incredibly insightful and I will probably be re-reading it for a long time because it is alot to absorb but I can already feel it opening my eyes to a knew revelation about myself.

It is very interesting what you say about my fathers inability to see that I loved him, leading him to respond to me as if I did not care about him. Like Helcat mentioned before, he took normal teenage behavior as me not caring for him. What a lonely place to be, where you cannot receive or See the love, I want to avoid turning into my father in this way.

Anita I would love to here more of your insight.

Dear Helcat

Thank you for your advice on how to respond to my trauma triggers, having these techniques in mind will help me in the future.

The inner child work of a stuffed teddy is surprising I am glad you found it too.

All these triggers I have from past trauma that come up in my relationship make me wonder if my partner can handle it. He seems to not have many triggers, infact after me sharing my trigger reponse after the ticking he asked me ‘why dont I have triggers like you do do I have no trauma?’ this is concerning to me for two reasons: he lacks some self aware, but I knew that before and think he can grow in that way if he wants to but I am not sure if he truly does. and with me talking about my trauma and his inability to relate it makes me feel like he is holding all this baggage for me and I am holding none of his, to which he will eventually tire.

I would also really love to hear your analysis on the last paragraph of my last post. I get this feeling of unfamiliarity often, when alcohol or marijuana is involved it does prolong the feeling and make me feel more trapped but I have the same feeling completely sober as well. This feeling of disconnect that feels like an awkward unfamiliarity and I am the only one who notices it.

In an earlier post you mentioned I am more decisive than i think. I think it would help understand if you could elaborate on this a little more? I ask this not only for validation but to help open my eyes, because I want to be decisive and often feel I am not, specifically in this relationship and how much I question it.

I completely feel the same way about there being different soulmates in our lives in different forms. I have found this in a friend, my sisters and my mom. But something interesting I’ve noticed is that these soulmates can sometimes be distracted with other things and lead me to not feeling that connection at times. My best friend is dating someone who I would not put up with, and since this boy came into her life (I can’t even call him a man) she has been so consumed that I don’t feel that soulmate connection with her at the moment, which hurts my heart. Same with my sisters and mom, it comes and goes. Which is why I want this to “come” with my boyfriend. I have had the smallest glimpses but over all I don’t think our souls are mates, but instead recognize eachother.

Some time ago I became much more selective about who I spent my time with. I read a book called “the empaths guide to survival” and in it I learned how much of an empath I am and how I take on other peoples energies. This all lead me to notice I was already selective about the people I spent time with and taught me that this was a useful instinct that I had developed. Although interesting on this topic is I’ve found I can become “overly” controlling of my environment, such as getting to the point I just refuse to go places cause certain people are there, which affects having much of a social life. This bothered my boyfriend when it came to our roommate, his college football friend. Short story for context:

It’s actually bizarre, so we moved here from WA state and a week before our move BOTH our cars were stolen. Still to this day I don’t quite see why in the universe this happened, like what the good in it is. Because it lead us to have to buy new cars with our savings and due to then lack of funds I couldn’t get my own apartment as planned, so naturally I ended up staying with him for about a year (just moved into an apartment with a friend a couple weeks ago). Living with him was what he originally wanted, but when I said I wasn’t ready, he found a roommate.

Anyways, his (still) roommate is not someone I typically would have spent alot of time with for various reasons, I felt he takes from the energy more than he gives and I felt drained when he was around. I complained to my boyfriend about this more than I should have. On “overly” controlling my environment, I feel I can be selfish by simply not wanting certain people, even movies/music in my life, fortunately my partner is very easy going but that also concerns me that he may just be unaware of what drains him. Because the pattern ends up me calling the shots a lot, our date nights depend on my mood, the music, most of the movies we watch, it’s all my comfortable preferences, when does this become selfish? I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life, am I crafting the environment to only be suitable for me and he may not know it now but is my partner building resentment and he doesn’t even know it and one day he will come out and say “we only ever do what you want and I’m sick of it.”  That unpacked more than I was planning but I will let it sit and not edit it like I want to go back and do because I want to see your response (Helcat)

Interesting on meeting eachothers needs, how much should we need one person? Like I’ve heard it’s healthy to rely on multiple ppl for different aspects of your life so you don’t overwhelm one person. Do you think this is true?

I’d love for you to elaborate on how you see that I am more decisive than I think, because I often get stuck there.

“Do you notice a pattern in how you feel about your partner and how your parents raised you?”

• Above I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist. I believe both my parents are on this spectrum. My mom cheated on my dad several times, she slept with a guy I was suppose to go on a date with. all these acts had different reasons, she was emotionally neglected from my dad, she was “protecting” me from a bad guy who she told not to go meet me on our date to which he responded he would stay with her then… anyways, how could she not be a narcissist with her ends justify the means behavior and careless acts to my Dad who did love her, at least was very committed after forgiving several disloyalties. I have forgiven my mom, it has been several years since, and somehow after shutting her out for a year at 16 years old after her cheating came to light to me and the divorce happened, I missed her. We were once so close and I somehow felt my heart needed her in my life, that it would be worse for me to cut her out completely, so we began to mend our relationship and still with faults, she recognizes her faults which is redeeming enough for me, although I keep her at a distance and unfortunately cannot share much with her because she still has an “end justify the means” mentality so I don’t trust her. My dad is highly superficial, he made alot of money after the divorce his company exploded in the best ways. He now is with a 6 year gf who is just like him. no talk of emotions and they cheers a jack and coke every night they aren’t at a four seasons resort. When my car was stolen his name was on the title still, about to be tranfered to me a week later, he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me cause he paid for my insurance while I was in college, even though I paid for part of the car and had well over a thousand dollars worth of things stolen from inside the car. I emailed him about this after finding a way to move here without his financial help, a very honest email about how I felt left in the dust and screwed over by my own father. He responded to the email that it was too much for him to emotionally take on, and never truly responded. I have also found a place in my heart to keep my dad though, after all, my mom hurt him so bad and I could not leave him too, and him and I had a heart to heart on christmas and I told him I understand he’s only human and made mistakes with me growing up but at the end of the day I wanted a friendship with my dad. Ever since, he’s the only family member to visit me in AZ, just him alone, it was very special and he truly entered my world and just was real for a minute and didn’t talk about the news or something that makes him sound smart and in control. He’s actually in town for a golf tournament this weekend and is making time for me friday evening so I am excited to see him, I love challenging myself to be real with him, cause he is someone I didn’t know how to be real with for a very long time.
• I noticed I would get anxious when my partner didn’t inform me exactly when he’d be home or when he spent “too much” time with our roommate before coming to bed. I could recognize this was unreasonable but I couldn’t stop the feeling. I started to recall how emotionally absent my dad had been growing up, it was like I expected my partner to disappoint me which was giving me the anxiety before it even happened, by “it” I mean being emotionally abandon. He notices I still don’t fully trust him but I keep just thinking it will happen eventually
• My fathers love being conditional I think makes me doubt my ability to unconditionally love and be loved which is a root of a lot of problems
• My moms over coddling makes it hard for me to be uncomfortable, and I had to learn to deal with my own emotions later in life which, I still feel control me at times.

“Throughout your life you were taught that you deserve to have anything you want from your mother. Meanwhile, your father taught you that you should reject people when they “let you down”.

• this feels so true and honestly is probably why I don’t fully respect her and am much more real and harsh with her than my dad who I just never want to bother. My younger siblings feel the same about both of them, we have talked about, and I have even tried to express to my dad, we feel we can take our stress out on my mom and she takes it and consoles us, then we go to my dads house and he gets a much more put together version of us. He claims he doesn’t want it this way and wanted me (when I lived with him alone from 16-20, whole other story about the turmoil I was in not talking to my mom and having a dad who did not understand a growing woman in any way and did alot of things I would never repeat to a child in the future) yet he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying everything you need to to get across the point ” you are lazy”
• The one about my father scares me more. He was very critical, I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in “his” house, he would get upset. infact while I lived with him I went through alot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts, never known to him because of this criticism that I did not understand. Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we would have what he began to call “house cleaning” where we would sit down and he would list all the ways I had exemplified being “ungrateful” at his house. The shoes by the door, dishes in the sink, bakcpack/clothes downstaires, my messy bedroom, messy car, how I didnt think about him and cook him dinner. This all has followed me, I worry my partner doesnt think of me, when he doesn’t put the toilet seat down my head tells me he doesnt think about me at all. My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home I was expected to come had conversation with him (all things I felt were a wifes place not mine as a 17 year old girl who just wanted to text boys and draw in my room) but if I didnt do these things they would come up at “house cleaning.” man as I write this all our I realize how messed up it is and how I never want to treat anybody like this. If my boyfriend is showering by the time I come over I think, “wait why couldnt he plan his shower so he would be out when I got here, he must not care very much about our time together.” I know it’s ridiculous right? all these are ways my mind just was exhausted living with him and I needed to get away from, well now I am realizing I needed to get away from myself… I need to journal more, alot of this has not been surfaced yet so thank you for challenging me with your questions Helcat.
• I think i do get the impulse to reject when I am not given what I expect from my boyfriend in particular when it comes to attention or any of the things mentioned above. Last weekend he was an hour late to my house and him being late is a pattern in our relationship and it would bother anyone, but I do feel it bothers me more than most, I suddenly feel myself closing to him and I can’t be touched and I get upset that “he caused me” to shut down cause I don’t want to be. Terrible cycle that makes me afraid to be disappointed because I am afraid to shut down, so I literally fear him being late or doing anything that triggers this shutdown.

“For example, he should be perfect and share my favourite interests with me, spirituality and comedy. But he doesn’t! So maybe he’s not the right person for me.”

• In the grand scheme I can see that pointing out these things is a form of rejecting him and pushing him away because he’s not doing them aka I am not getting what I want, but why am I rejecting him at all? I think there could be a deeper reason that I am pushing him away, that manifests itself into “oh we won’t work because of comedy, spirituality,” cause although valid needs, isn’t something in the relationship lacking if I am feeling there is something missing? it may not be spirtuality or comedy, but there has to be something right? or would I push anyone away right now and the whole problem is me and our relationship would be fine if I stopped self sabotaging…

I wonder about all the ways I act out of past trauma.

This is actually a specific topic I like to talk about but my boyfriend doesn’t understand the point

Dear Alberta,

I definitely know I have a great base to nurture and this could be a solid relationship. But then why do I crave to have the same sense of humor and be on the same spiritual journey. Is it just my own issues you think? and leaving him would just be some trust and commitment issues flaring up and running away from something  good?