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SusannahParticipantDear Kayla, hope that there will not be problems with different lifestyles. Many people naturally respect each other”s privacy and do not bring friends / relatives often. If your new companion has such a habit – probably not – maybe you could tell her that you need to be able to focus on your studies and that doesn”t happen if visitors come and go. Like I said, most people have decent manners and realize that it is different to live with a roommate than by yourself. If some problems arise, you need to make an agreement about visitors. The main point is that you have a right to feel comfortable at home!
SusannahParticipantIn a way it is great that there are people, who contribute a lot! There may also be downsides. If a few people “dominate” some forum, others may feel discouraged to enter. I have quite a lot of experience of volunteer work (irl) and have seen that phenomenom there as well. The healthiest and most vibrant communities – both online and irl – have many, many contributors! 🙂 I am new here and wish that this would be such a place.
SusannahParticipantIt is difficult for several reasons, I guess. When you get older, you (hopefully) know yourself quite well – your values, your belief systems etc. For example I am a person who could never fall in love with a man, whose “values” are making money and using people for his own good. (And some lifestyle choices might be a problem for someone: for example being a vegetarian, who doesn”t consume any kind of alcohol. I don”t expect those from a man, though.)
By now everyone has had some disappointments, which may make it difficult to give up your guards and be vulnerable. And without it there cannot be true intimacy & connection.
Another thing with people around this age may be cynicism. If there is no faith that beautiful things can happen, they sure cannot. (I try hard not to become cynical even though I sure am frustrated.)
And then there is the magical component: the spark. It either exists or not and you cannot make it and you know whether it is there or not the first time you meet. (For me it has never grown gradually.) I am not referring to somehow childish “my feet felt like spaghetti around him” -feeling, but some kind of chemistry is essential.
Your opinion?
SusannahParticipantEveryone having their therapist was partly a joke! Now that they have Trump as a president there would be need for one for me, if I lived there! 😉 (Another half joke.)
In many countries people take a lot of medicine for mental health problems. It sure is a sign that there is a lot going wrong in this world…
Some time ago I watched a British documentary about loneliness, the modern disease. One thing that probably feeds the feeling of loneliness – and isolation – is social media; everyone shows the best parts of their life. (I am not part of any of that so I really don”t know, but that”s what I”ve heard.) Deep down we all just want to be seen and understood and loved – how come it is so difficult?
SusannahParticipantOops, some technical problem…Sorry for the two one chapter messages!
SusannahParticipantThanks, Craig!
It is true that psychotherapy sure would not harm anyone! In my culture – I live in Europe – “everyone” does not have his / her shrink like it is in the States; maybe that is not even the truth but a rumour!
There are a lot of not so happy relationships. If two broken humani beings unite in order to become one, well… (Two whole human beings do not even want to become one.) Most people would like to have a relationship – like you said, it probably has to do with being human – but I think that the value of the relationship varies. For someone (like me) it is the center of the life and for someone else something different. Maybe it has to do how much the person “lives” in his heart and how much in his head. I believe that there are a lot of people who do not even yearn true intimacy and that is ok. Hopefully they connect with a person who is alike so that there will be mutual satisfaction.
SusannahParticipantThanks, Craig!
It is true that psychotherapy sure would not harm anyone! In my culture – I live in Europe – “everyone” does not have his / her shrink like it is in the States; maybe that is not even the truth but a rumour!
SusannahParticipantThanks, Craig!
It is true that psychotherapy sure would not harm anyone! In my culture – I live in Europe – “everyone” does not have his / her shrink like it is in the States; maybe that is not even the truth but a rumour!
SusannahParticipantHi Craig and thank you for your insights! It made a lot of sense.
I hope that you do not assume that everyone needs psychotherapy? 😉 I am the kind of person, who does not have much baggage – maybe it is because of a stable childhood with loving parents & a deep interest in personal growth and meaningful life for the last 30 years.
I got involved with online dating some years ago. There were several very promising men with the same kind of values and interests. (To put it briefly: I want to grow until I die to become the most wholehearted and wise person within my potential.) The problem was that irl there was no chemistry…There was good chemistry with some younger men and I”ve had some sexually fulfilling “relationships” with them. (I have not had such for two years because of the lack of depth. It is a challenge: is it better to be without sex at all? Hmmm…)
I used to meditate “seriously” (following celibacy etc.) for several years and do not continue with that for several reasons but really enjoy mindfulness and my volunteer work gives a lot of meaning. (Of course I am thankful for my job as well.) It is just that many things in life would have so much more meaning if there was the one and only to share it with.
SusannahParticipantActually, Anita, I do not think that it has to do with my personality or history. When I think about my friends, there is no one who would have been single after 35. (Some have good relationships and some don”t.) It just might be that there are not that many “good” single men available at this age. (In this context good means a person with emotional stability and maturity, no addictions etc.)
Any other insights, anyone? Any man online with his ideas?
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This reply was modified 7 years ago by
Susannah.
SusannahParticipantThanks Anita,
I have had two long & serious relationships before; no need to go into details. The first one became very brother/sister -kind and the other ended because he moved to his homeland.
It seems that there is no special reason for my situation. No childhood trauma or other issue. Maybe one day not too soon things will change…
It took 10 hours to moderate my first mail (ever here) so I will not probably be back. I am not used to such a long timing…
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This reply was modified 7 years ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 