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Dear Jan,
sorry to hear that your first sexual experiences have happened like this. It is for sure that he does not have any true feelings for you and is just using you.
Your experience with boys is minimal (you had not kissed with anyone before him) so now you are in a new situation, starting to have relationships. You deserve to have a boy in your life, who wants to know you as a person and likes you a lot and you can feel his respect. With this boy everything has gone wrong. I suggest that you stop communicating and seeing him. You deserve so much better than this!
Someone may suggest that you need to think about your childhood and all the ways your parents neglected you and get some therapy. There is no need for that because you are not broken. You are just a girl with little experience from relationships. What you could do is talk with some friends who have experience of loving relationships with boys. Then you realize what kind of indegrienses healthy and loving relationships have. You will be fine! 🙂
Dear Adele,
sorry to hear about your relationship(s). You are used to “bad boys”, who represent illusional fun and excitement even though in reality such relationships do not offer emotional stability and safety, which do not mean that the relationship would be boring. I hope that you will find ways to heal your inner wounds so that you do not drift into damaging relationships any more.
About the spark – it either exists or not and you cannot “make” it. It is essential to have it to create a deeply satisfying sexual connection in the long run. No matter how perfect someone looks “on paper”, you cannot guarantee that there will be chemistry.
It is time to respect you and your boyfriend. You are not a match made in heaven and you need to admit it. Continuing with the relationship does not satisfy either of you. It does not mean that you still could not be friends with each other! Friendship in the true sense is much more valuable than an attempt to create a romantic relationship with a person, who you are not compatible with. It takes some courage to admit the facts, but it is the only way to lead an authenthic life.
All the best to you! 🙂
Dear Sasha,
sorry to hear about the devastating news about your sister. You have been very fortunate to have such a loving connection all your life. In a way the special bond between you makes this even more difficult.
It is a blessing for both of you that you can talk about everything during this time as well. As weird as it sounds, this time can in a way be very special. You do not want to miss a single moment and every moment is incredibly valuable. It is a fortune that there are no unresolved issues between you two – you can cherish every moment together.
I really don”t know which scenario is more difficult to handle: a close person dies suddenly (maybe in an accident) or because of cancer or some other serious illness. The latter gives the opportunity to prepare even though you cannot fully prepare anyway. There will be two different times almost like different lives: the one with her and the other without her.
The doctors are doing everything in their power and there is still hope! I do not know the details about your sister”s case, but these days it may be possible to use many kind of treatments and either heal completely or have several fairly good years ahead.
One thing is for sure: you will never be the same again. No matter what the outcome will be, you will cherish life more than ever. Every moment with your loved ones will have more meaning than ever before. We can only wish that you and your sister will have many, many happy years together.
Dear Keanu,
does your culture say that being the provider is the main task of the husband? You have filled that part and that cannot be underestimated.
My culture says that the meaning of marriage is to create a close emotional bond and intimacy. That is the best foundation for personal growth for both as well and a safe haven for the children.
It seems that your wife has suffered from loneliness inside your marriage and tried to substitute that with material wealth (from you). It just does not work.
Now that your wife has fallen in love with another man, there is not much you can do about your marriage. She fills her emotional (and sexual) needs from a new source. Sorry to say that. What you can do is to take good care of yourself! Then you can also be a good father.
About your wife I can only say that it is time to let go of her. Her emotional bond with you does not exist any more, which means that the marriage is over.
Dear Kevin,
Emotional mastery to me means that your inner stability is present despite the circumstances and your boundaries are so clear that the environment really does not affect you. If there is any chaos or conflict outside (for example at the airport), one should be able to maintain his calmness and happiness anyway no matter how anyone else feels or behaves.
Such a state does not come by itself but demands continuos presence (you could call it for example mindful state). When thinking about meaningful and happy life, there are other factors as well equally important as emotional mastery. (Frankly
I am not even sure if emotional mastery 100 % is even possible.) I write down some words, which feel essential, when thinking about meaningful happiness. Feel free to spend time to reflect on them and their meaning in your life.– Compassion and self compassion
– Gratitude
– Empathy
– Forgiveness
– Inner peace and joy
(Oops, for some reason the first paragraph seems different.)
One more comment about this topic.
A friend of mine has several diplomas in healthcare and for the last 20 years she has been working with people with mental problems.
Some time ago she told me that she has begun to concentrate more deeply on her artistic endeavours and hopes to become a true artist – by that she means that she wishes to be able to earn her living by being an artist. (She makes music and writes.)
She told me that for a long time being a therapist made her feel good about herself – as if she was a “good person” being able to help. It took time to admit even to herself first (and later to others) that it also was a big part of her identity; thinking to be in a position where she could almost feel a little superior compared to her patients. (Possibly many never reach such an honesty about themselves.)
“As an artist I am a beginner and eager to learn and grow and don”t imagine that I know answers to anybody”s life.”
What a healthy shift of consciousness! 🙂
Hmmm…It might be true that all the good ones really are taken! 😉 Like I said yesterday, none of my friends have been single after the age of 35. (Some of those relationships are not very fulfilling and make me wonder what keeps them together…) Some days ago I had coffee with a friend of mine, who is around 60. She told me about the important relationships of her life and the reasons why they had ended. “I have had such deep experiences and would never settle to a “well, I guess this is quite ok” -kind of relationship.” I completely agree.
Closeness and commitment – two great “c-words”. It is possible that some people avoid them because of certain fears and without them a relationship cannot really bloom. I am more than willing to give myself 100 %! I just wish that it will happen some day. It would be such a fortune to live side by side with the right man, who would dedicate himself to me as much I would to him.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 