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Stuck between Responsibilities and Happy Life

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  • May 12, 2017 at 1:49 pm #149249
    alex
    Participant

    I am an Indian who is married, I had arrange marriage which is carried out as per typical Indian culture. Honestly I am a postgraduate and I have special plan for my life as I am a open minded person( I dont know but everyone close to me says so).

    But My parents are of typical Indian culture, they didnt want me to fall in love, talk to girls and blah blah…

    When I went to see a girl for my marriage I rejected her as I didnt feel anything about her and as an open minded person, my thinking was I should meet a girl, fall in love  and then get married to her. So I told them that I dont want to marry her but they started their emotional drama and then due to their pressure and so called  Society I married that girl.

    Its been two years now but I still dont have 1% feeling for my wife and due to which I stayed  away from my family and wife doing Job in another city.

    In January 2017 I  met a girl  in my office and we started talking to each other, because my company has organized a function but as it was late night  my Boss told me to drop her home as it was  not safe and  her  parents were worried. it  was a casual talk initially but within a period of just a month we shared so many  things about our past. Even we don’t know how did that happen and still we don’t know the answer to that question. Initially we just used to chat and in 4 months I have 11503 text messages  in my Inbox about our every topic we discussed. During this period of 3-4 months we come to know that we have nearly everything common between us.  We love same songs, same food, even we have same family history. There are  many instances when we understand each other perfectly without a single word. She told this to her close friend  and even she was saying that she never saw such emotional attachment between anyone.

    She  is working in different department in which my friend is her manager. My friend knows that we talk a lot and thus he get jealous of us started ignoring me.  He changed her shift timings due to which we couldnt get sufficient time to spend with each other still I manage to come to office and work for 15-18 hours only because I wanted to spend time with her.

    One day I have invited her at my home when I was alone so that we can spend some time together but situation was very different and we didnt talk too much even if we have alot to discuss and  I almost kissed her, same time I  apologize her for my mistake. but after that day we both started feeling something different between us.  We fell for each other.  But  the issue  is  I am married and I cant run from  that truth.  But I also dont want to loose  her. She always  says to me that she want me to be with her  because  I am the happiest thing happened in her life. Even I also feel the same.

    But the issue is  I can not leave my parents as I am the only one they have. I have a sister  who is mentally retarded to I have to take care of her as well till her last breath.

    I know that some people will say that this is just an emotional attachment and nothing more than that but I know what we have between us, How strong our bond is…

    I am stuck between two sides. One is my responsibilities from which I can not run and  other is  my Happy life. 

    Please someone advise me  what should I do, Because  due to this situation we both are having arguments (Not arguments really because we have so good understanding that when I am angry she used to listen and calm me and when she is angry i used to do the same.)

    God  help me…….

    May 12, 2017 at 7:59 pm #149269
    Susannah
    Participant

    Dear Alex,

     

    either you live in truth or illusion. You have been married for quite a while and you and your wife still have no emotional bond. Most likely it will never happen. Someone might suggest that you go to couple”s therapy – I don”t. If you are not truly compatible with each other, no therapy will ever help. Sure, things might improve a little between you, but is that how you want to live your life, just settling?

     

    Without looking for it, it seems that you have found a person, who you have so much common with. One word: divorce. In your culture it is not very common and for sure it would damage the relationship with your parents for a long time.

     

    There are two options: either you are honest with yourself (to me that is the the only way to live) or you sacrifice your happiness and probably create a lot of bitterness inside. The choice is yours! 🙂

    May 13, 2017 at 5:50 am #149291
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alex:

    I am familiar with the Indian arranged marriages culture through many threads on this website, many threads I read and people I communicated with, at length, on these threads.

    The culture is of arranged marriage and heavy-duty family obligations, “Responsibilities” as you call them. You were raised to strongly believe that you are forever-responsible for your parents (and for siblings, depending on their/your situations). The loyalty of an adult, in the Indian culture, is not to his/her future children but to the parents. Many people in India, therefore, live double lives, being married and having relationships outside the marriage so to satisfy both: the parents and one’s need to choose and love.

    I strongly suggest ending your marriage as soon as possible, definitely before having any children (so not to bring innocent life into a loveless marriage), and then, freeing yourself to choose for yourself.

    But I know how strong beliefs instilled in us when we were children, beliefs the whole society stands for.

    It is possible to change such beliefs but it takes a willingness and incredible strength to endure, day in and day out, the resulting guilt feelings, and familial and societal rejection. It may mean that if you chose… to choose who you are with, you may have to move away from family and from the society you are in.

    anita

    June 22, 2017 at 4:55 am #154518
    Anuenue
    Participant

    I think you are viewing divorce as something selfish, but it could be a kind thing for you wife, not just for yourself.  Have you discussed divorce with your wife?  She’s probably as unhappy as you are. Divorce would set you both free to pursue happiness.

    I’m not familiar with your culture. Where does responsibility to your own wife fall in relationship to that of your parents and siblings?

    June 22, 2017 at 11:22 am #154560
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Alex there is hardly anything that I could possibly add to what Anita and Susannah have said, except that in your culture there are parents who treat their children as a commodity to be traded off, in this case, an arranged marriage, in order to pacify the parents beliefs, thus stripping you of your individuality. In other cultures, in the United States for example, the majority of the parents do not treat their children as a commodity. The exception being those who use their children to advance their selfish needs. These parents look forward to seeing their son/daughter grow up, get married, and have children. This approach allows for their inherent right to be an individual and to make their own decisions. I see you as an intelligent individual capable of making your own decisions because you respect your individuality. I absolutely concur with Anita and Susannah. I also recommend pursuing a divorce immediately, if in fact you do want to be with your fellow employee. You can paint the canvas however you wish. But whatever the end result, in the end, it is your painting. Should you choose not to pursue a divorce and not live the life with the other woman as you envision, my question to you sir is, who wins? Just as you envision the life you want with the other woman, you should also envision the results should you choose not to end your current marriage and try to maintain a relationship with this other woman. What you see in that vision should challenge you in your decision making. Did you ask to be born? No. Are you a commodity to be used as a pawn to be traded? Only in the eyes of the culture your parents subscribe to. Are you an individual capable of making your own decisions as you make your way on your journey in life? Only you can answer that. Personally I believe you are.

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