Hey Moon,

I’ve definitely been judged based on my interests (and even non-interests), and it REALLY hurt. It came to the point that I started providing long, verbose disclaimers on why I liked or didn’t like something, to make sure no one would judge me. On the bright side (as I mentioned in an earlier post), it taught me to embrace others and not judge THEM on their likes, at least in the individual sense. I think I still judge on a generalized level (“the whole of humanity” vs. “one special person”). I think a lot of this comes not just from my ego, but from my learned negative perception of the human race, which I have to “unlearn” somehow. Taking part in something charitable and active is a GREAT idea, in terms of surrounding myself with positive people who are making a difference. I will definitely remember this (and hopefully act on it; been far too lazy recently). I worry, though, about the “evolution” of humanity…tons of documentaries, studies, films, and fiction seem to point out that humanity is hurtling towards disaster, extinction, or degradation, rather than rising to become something better (but don’t get me wrong–sites like TinyBuddha are definitely sparkles of hope).

Looking at the world from an impartial eye–that’s really tough, given that which influences me far too much (e.g. media, news, friends with strong biased opinions). But “leaving my mind” is definitely familiar. When I’m alone or idle, I tend to think and “go back” to unhappier times that just pull me into a strong depression. But when I’m busy, distracted, or enjoying things with others, all those thoughts go away. I acknowledge that I have my anxieties, but I still take too much pleasure in letting them take control of me (another common habit of my life, the love of being “controlled”).

It shames me that I have such a huge ego, and everyone who has posted here is correct about that. I want to be humble and lowly so I can be a good person, but it never occurred to me that I keep bringing everything back to myself. And even when I try not to do that, it keeps coming back to me. I can help someone who’s dying, but all that’s going through my mind is the pain of his/her loved ones and the negative repercussions it will have on everything else, and so the service becomes a negative source of energy rather than a positive one. 🙁 I listened to someone last night tell me the most depressing story of watching his partner wither and die over eight years, and by the time he was done talking, I was miserable and depressed, and unable to think of anything positive to say.

Not sure when I’ll get over this…I’ve got so much advice from so many good people, but I don’t think I’ve done anything with it (and I keep promising myself over and over again…and keep betraying myself over and over). Hopefully I will soon.

Much love to you and yours, always,

Marc

Hey Chris,

Thank you very much for your wise words and compliment. I will try to work on some of those things. My biggest worry for trying new things is the long-lasting effects they have on me, for the worse. I regret ever watching certain films like Brokeback Mountain, which caused me to be depressed for YEARS, especially when everybody else talks about how much they loved it and describes moments in it that I don’t need to be reminded about. As an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I need to know my boundaries, which, when crossed, hurt me more than broaden my horizons. It’s an extremely fine line between broadening my horizons and overstepping my boundaries, and I don’t know where the line is. There are new things I’ll try (especially non-media), but media-related things I usually avoid now, because every time I’ve been pushed to see something, the outcome has been altogether worse, and for too long. 🙁

Having compassion on others is very important…but again, thanks to media and news, I’m too often given an ugly image of humanity as a generalized “basely evil” creature that has evolved too much, become hyper-civilized, and now gets too much pleasure out of hurting his own kind, entertainment from pain and abuse, and chaotic minds (re: the Baltimore riots). I know there are good things in the world, but the bad things just shine more brightly to me and have a stronger effect… 🙁 So my persistent shame of being human (from childhood–it doesn’t help to watch children’s movies that show how humans are evil and animals are better) is still there. It doesn’t stop me from loving others, though (and I have a LOT of love to give). But that love is tested too often, and when the logic points to us humans being unworthy of love (myself included), it’s just…difficult, and I often long to be something better than human.

And I definitely want to bond with others, but over GOOD things…things that I don’t have to be ashamed about or feel bad about. I know that I love my furry friends SO MUCH, and we love to go out and entertain others in our silly costumes (a lot of Patch Adams in us, yes), so I wholeheartedly bond in that. Also love just finding unique, interesting things to bond with others over, like my tap lessons. I can do without the media stuff (unless it’s something I happen to really love).

Maybe I’m not as bad as I’m making myself out to be, but I feel like I’ve hit a very low point right now, and it’s hard to get out of (depression is easy to fall into, since it’s so familiar and comfortable to those who have been suffering from it). I know I have so many loved ones who care about me and want me to be happy…I’ll try to take solace in them and their positive energy. Thank you so much for your own, and forgive my long blathersome responses…this is definitely my innermost thoughts being voiced, and simply writing them out feels great (I should do that privately, I know, but this time I definitely wanted some advice and thoughts).

Lots of love to you and yours, ALWAYS,

Marc

Thinking while writing is a great idea, even if it seems like stream of consciousness or even word association. 🙂 I do that often.

To be different or not to be…. That sounds pretty close to what I’m thinking, but I’m not even sure if it’s a cry for attention, as I DON’T like having all eyes on me (moreso if someone else deserves the attention FAR more than I do!)… I guess it’s just personal need for reminding myself that “I am different and separate from these people, and yet, they are connected to me.” I am a man who believes STRONGLY in the interconnectedness of all things (I believe in ambiogenesis, that we all were born from the same primordial cell billions of years ago), so I do not deny that, but I guess I feel ugly and sick when I realize I belong to the same set of BAD people or bad qualities (look at the beginning of the silent film “Modern Times”, where a herd of cattle slowly fades into a group of people). I want to rise above that somehow, but at the same time, I don’t want to be “noticed”, either.

Yes, I know it’s VERY contradictory, and when I explain the situation to others, that’s the first thing they say: “It sounds like you want two different things at the same time, Marc.” So…that’s why I feel kind of depressed, as there doesn’t seem to be a solution for any of this, and why I feel I should just live with it.

Thank you for your wisdom and thoughts. 🙂 All enrich me, even in small ways. *BIG HUG*

— Marc

Dear Will,

Mmm, thank you so much for making me feel so special and loved (although shame on ME, because I have SO MANY in my life who love me for me, and I too often let the stupid, bad thoughts crowd my head, with no room for the happier ones).

Your method is not weird at all. 🙂 I have heard it before, and it is VERY uncomfortable for me to think about, because it means thinking of the thought more and focusing on it (one of them was an extremely vivid shot of an innocent woman being shot in the head at point-blank range), which I already do 90% of the day at work (which causes so much agitation and pain). But this isn’t to say it doesn’t work for other people, so I do advocate it.

I have a similar thing that I do, usually at home where I can’t be found “weird” if I’m talking to myself openly: I like to take a stuffed animal (or simply imagine a creature of preference…would you believe it was a smaller version of Cerberus a few years back?) and have a “conversation” with him. Of course I throw my voice and imagine he’s talking to me, but in so doing, I get in touch with a “sensible” part of myself, one that is calming and understanding, knowing it to be me and finding the love in myself that can heal me, even if I’m personifying it externally. This also works when I write my stories. 🙂

In this process, I don’t talk TO the thought–I talk ABOUT the thought, openly. I bring it out in the open (a sort of release, maybe?), talk about it to my imaginary friend (re: me), and contemplate on why it’s so painful, why it had to exist in the first place, and the pain about thinking about it. The “self-understanding” that follows (“I totally understand,” “Ugh, that’s horrible,” “That should never have happened,” “These things are not worth concentrating on, Marc”) can help tons, and deal with it moderately well, though it doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t come back later.

So while I’m not sure your method works for me, I definitely appreciate and will try it, even more the comments on the heart that you see in me. 🙂 I am so mindful of my “dark self”, that it’s easy for me to forget about the light that exists in me. I like to wonder, am I the candle itself, whereas all I can see is darkness, but that’s only because the light is me? (Nah, that would mean the darkness is illuminated…ugh, I suck at building effective metaphors)

Well, whatever is going on through my jumbly head right now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for YOU, for simply existing, and for being happy for my existence. 🙂 Rest assured that I will never stop loving and hopefully add to life. And if you ever see a top-hat-wearing walrus in your travels, be sure to introduce yourself, as I promise to hold you close to my heart for a good five minutes, if not longer. <3

All my love, care, and gratitude, ALWAYS,

— Marc/Royce

Hey Cindy,

Thank you so much. Just the comfort of knowing that I’m not alone is a DEFINITE help. Unfortunately, the time span for the memories to “get fuzzy” (as I like to say) is usually about five or so years, given my trauma of seeing Pink Floyd’s The Wall at 6 years old (and again at college, thinking I had “toughened up”…but didn’t). For some things, it never leaves. Episodes of Roseanne STILL haunt me at work and bother me so much, and the only way I can get rid of them is through something that involves me actively talking or being distracted by something nicer (oddly enough, quiet spaces can be WORSE for me, since they feel like more open space for the bad thoughts to come back).

This will take a long time, but your words and the presence of sites like TinyBuddha are definitively a great help. My heart goes out to all those who have been traumatized by far worse things, and I hope they will heal even faster than I will.

Much love and peace, ALWAYS,

Marc