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Marc

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • in reply to: Conforming to Conformity? #76436
    Marc
    Participant

    Hey Moon,

    I’ve definitely been judged based on my interests (and even non-interests), and it REALLY hurt. It came to the point that I started providing long, verbose disclaimers on why I liked or didn’t like something, to make sure no one would judge me. On the bright side (as I mentioned in an earlier post), it taught me to embrace others and not judge THEM on their likes, at least in the individual sense. I think I still judge on a generalized level (“the whole of humanity” vs. “one special person”). I think a lot of this comes not just from my ego, but from my learned negative perception of the human race, which I have to “unlearn” somehow. Taking part in something charitable and active is a GREAT idea, in terms of surrounding myself with positive people who are making a difference. I will definitely remember this (and hopefully act on it; been far too lazy recently). I worry, though, about the “evolution” of humanity…tons of documentaries, studies, films, and fiction seem to point out that humanity is hurtling towards disaster, extinction, or degradation, rather than rising to become something better (but don’t get me wrong–sites like TinyBuddha are definitely sparkles of hope).

    Looking at the world from an impartial eye–that’s really tough, given that which influences me far too much (e.g. media, news, friends with strong biased opinions). But “leaving my mind” is definitely familiar. When I’m alone or idle, I tend to think and “go back” to unhappier times that just pull me into a strong depression. But when I’m busy, distracted, or enjoying things with others, all those thoughts go away. I acknowledge that I have my anxieties, but I still take too much pleasure in letting them take control of me (another common habit of my life, the love of being “controlled”).

    It shames me that I have such a huge ego, and everyone who has posted here is correct about that. I want to be humble and lowly so I can be a good person, but it never occurred to me that I keep bringing everything back to myself. And even when I try not to do that, it keeps coming back to me. I can help someone who’s dying, but all that’s going through my mind is the pain of his/her loved ones and the negative repercussions it will have on everything else, and so the service becomes a negative source of energy rather than a positive one. 🙁 I listened to someone last night tell me the most depressing story of watching his partner wither and die over eight years, and by the time he was done talking, I was miserable and depressed, and unable to think of anything positive to say.

    Not sure when I’ll get over this…I’ve got so much advice from so many good people, but I don’t think I’ve done anything with it (and I keep promising myself over and over again…and keep betraying myself over and over). Hopefully I will soon.

    Much love to you and yours, always,

    Marc

    in reply to: Conforming to Conformity? #76358
    Marc
    Participant

    Hello there. 🙂 I feel like I’m getting a bit lost in word salad now….but I’m trying to pull out the great wisdom I know both of you are trying to impart. 🙂

    To valerista: Hmmm…elitism. That does make sense, as I grew up in a family that often tried to rise above others, recognizing everybody else’s faults and a generalized bleakness of humanity that I should rise above. I ended up rebelling (as kids always do) and interacting with those who were under that limit, but unfortunately, it did more harm than good. I think I just gained a subtle feeling that “If I give in to the hype and become part of the collective, I become a ‘bad person'”.

    Your words make sense, as my lover and numerous close friends have mine HAVE given into the hype, but are still themselves as individuals and people who love me (and whom I love deeply). It’s always just a personal “twitch” of discomfort I get, and I kind of need someone there to bring me out of it (then again, that’s codependency…so that’s not good either). But it DOES help to have someone who understands how I feel and can ask questions that help me come to terms with this pain, too. It’s such a weird pain and shouldn’t exist in the first place…but it just does. :-/

    To Reine: I like what you said about Lego Movie. Of course I love the lesson and a few scenes in it, but the movie just gave me a general headache (too much stuff going on at once), and the live-action stuff at the end was majorly creepy and made me extremely uncomfortable. I guess what upset me was that I was forced to watch it, and two guys said “You’re gonna love it,” which kind of says to me, “If you don’t love it, something’s wrong with you.” And sure enough, when I told them my opinion, they became VERY moody. 🙁 It’s hard to find people that will simply accept a differentiating opinion with open arms. But it’s taught ME to be more open-minded, which is definitely a happy result.

    But your overall message made me feel good, because it reminded me that I can like DETAILS or ASPECTS about something, without liking it completely. I may love eating an orange, but does that mean that I like eating the peel, too? There are things about the Lord of the Rings movies I’m sure I’d love, but I’m totally turned off by all the war scenes (and yes, I’ve seen them). And being an HSP, things like that can affect me VERY negatively, so that’s why I avoid them in the first place (I tried watching Kingsman, and had to turn away for half of the movie, and still felt VERY sick afterwards).

    It’s a long journey, and one I hope I’m making some advances in, bit by bit. Thank you all for your advice, and I’m sorry if I made this more confusing than it needs to be. Occam’s Razor. <3

    All my love to you,

    Marc

    in reply to: Conforming to Conformity? #76240
    Marc
    Participant

    Hey Chris,

    Thank you very much for your wise words and compliment. I will try to work on some of those things. My biggest worry for trying new things is the long-lasting effects they have on me, for the worse. I regret ever watching certain films like Brokeback Mountain, which caused me to be depressed for YEARS, especially when everybody else talks about how much they loved it and describes moments in it that I don’t need to be reminded about. As an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I need to know my boundaries, which, when crossed, hurt me more than broaden my horizons. It’s an extremely fine line between broadening my horizons and overstepping my boundaries, and I don’t know where the line is. There are new things I’ll try (especially non-media), but media-related things I usually avoid now, because every time I’ve been pushed to see something, the outcome has been altogether worse, and for too long. 🙁

    Having compassion on others is very important…but again, thanks to media and news, I’m too often given an ugly image of humanity as a generalized “basely evil” creature that has evolved too much, become hyper-civilized, and now gets too much pleasure out of hurting his own kind, entertainment from pain and abuse, and chaotic minds (re: the Baltimore riots). I know there are good things in the world, but the bad things just shine more brightly to me and have a stronger effect… 🙁 So my persistent shame of being human (from childhood–it doesn’t help to watch children’s movies that show how humans are evil and animals are better) is still there. It doesn’t stop me from loving others, though (and I have a LOT of love to give). But that love is tested too often, and when the logic points to us humans being unworthy of love (myself included), it’s just…difficult, and I often long to be something better than human.

    And I definitely want to bond with others, but over GOOD things…things that I don’t have to be ashamed about or feel bad about. I know that I love my furry friends SO MUCH, and we love to go out and entertain others in our silly costumes (a lot of Patch Adams in us, yes), so I wholeheartedly bond in that. Also love just finding unique, interesting things to bond with others over, like my tap lessons. I can do without the media stuff (unless it’s something I happen to really love).

    Maybe I’m not as bad as I’m making myself out to be, but I feel like I’ve hit a very low point right now, and it’s hard to get out of (depression is easy to fall into, since it’s so familiar and comfortable to those who have been suffering from it). I know I have so many loved ones who care about me and want me to be happy…I’ll try to take solace in them and their positive energy. Thank you so much for your own, and forgive my long blathersome responses…this is definitely my innermost thoughts being voiced, and simply writing them out feels great (I should do that privately, I know, but this time I definitely wanted some advice and thoughts).

    Lots of love to you and yours, ALWAYS,

    Marc

    in reply to: Conforming to Conformity? #76199
    Marc
    Participant

    I have no idea if my projections are way off or not… it’s like asking if what I’m thinking is “right or wrong” (and I still believe there is such a thing, though people would disagree). I would gladly live with it, but it only hurts when I’m with a crowd of people and realize that I’m the only one with a certain opinion, while everybody else is in the “norm”, and it makes me feel lonely and wondering if something’s wrong with me.

    I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t be complaining about it when there are so many more GOOD things in my life, such as wonderful souls as you! 🙂 *hugs* Thank you very much and I will do my best to live life as best as I can with who I am. 😉

    — Marc

    in reply to: Conforming to Conformity? #76195
    Marc
    Participant

    Thinking while writing is a great idea, even if it seems like stream of consciousness or even word association. 🙂 I do that often.

    To be different or not to be…. That sounds pretty close to what I’m thinking, but I’m not even sure if it’s a cry for attention, as I DON’T like having all eyes on me (moreso if someone else deserves the attention FAR more than I do!)… I guess it’s just personal need for reminding myself that “I am different and separate from these people, and yet, they are connected to me.” I am a man who believes STRONGLY in the interconnectedness of all things (I believe in ambiogenesis, that we all were born from the same primordial cell billions of years ago), so I do not deny that, but I guess I feel ugly and sick when I realize I belong to the same set of BAD people or bad qualities (look at the beginning of the silent film “Modern Times”, where a herd of cattle slowly fades into a group of people). I want to rise above that somehow, but at the same time, I don’t want to be “noticed”, either.

    Yes, I know it’s VERY contradictory, and when I explain the situation to others, that’s the first thing they say: “It sounds like you want two different things at the same time, Marc.” So…that’s why I feel kind of depressed, as there doesn’t seem to be a solution for any of this, and why I feel I should just live with it.

    Thank you for your wisdom and thoughts. 🙂 All enrich me, even in small ways. *BIG HUG*

    — Marc

    in reply to: Getting Past a Painful Movie? #72997
    Marc
    Participant

    Hey Pamela,

    I completely understand. I love video games, but don’t think of myself as a true “gamer” per se, and have NEVER truly fit in with other gamers or most of my own generation. I get shocked looks from peers when I say that I hated “Dogma” and most superhero movies, so I completely understand how you feel regarding chick flicks. I refuse to see The Notebook, either, though I no doubt believe it’s a wonderful movie. I get emotional enough in REAL LIFE…so I really don’t need a movie to make things worse. :-/

    One of the bright sides of this whole thing was that it pushed me to avoid the upcoming “Deadpool” movie. As much as I love the character for how silly, funny, and trope-killing as he is, he’s also exceedingly violent, so if I couldn’t handle Kingsman, I doubt I’ll be able to handle Deadpool. I’m only depressed for how it separates me further from my peers. Maybe I’ll watch some Marx Brothers in retaliation or something (and I’m blessed to know others who share THAT interest. 😉 ).

    Thank you thank you THANK YOU for your loving compliments and patience with me! It is truly a healthy, good forum like this (and awesome people like you) that gently heal me from any hurt. I will be sure to come back here in the future (hopefully to HELP as well as be helped), and if you’re in Pittsburgh around July 9-12, come visit and give the walrus a hug!! 😀 Blessed be!

    — Royce/Marc

    in reply to: Getting Past a Painful Movie? #72949
    Marc
    Participant

    Dear Will,

    Mmm, thank you so much for making me feel so special and loved (although shame on ME, because I have SO MANY in my life who love me for me, and I too often let the stupid, bad thoughts crowd my head, with no room for the happier ones).

    Your method is not weird at all. 🙂 I have heard it before, and it is VERY uncomfortable for me to think about, because it means thinking of the thought more and focusing on it (one of them was an extremely vivid shot of an innocent woman being shot in the head at point-blank range), which I already do 90% of the day at work (which causes so much agitation and pain). But this isn’t to say it doesn’t work for other people, so I do advocate it.

    I have a similar thing that I do, usually at home where I can’t be found “weird” if I’m talking to myself openly: I like to take a stuffed animal (or simply imagine a creature of preference…would you believe it was a smaller version of Cerberus a few years back?) and have a “conversation” with him. Of course I throw my voice and imagine he’s talking to me, but in so doing, I get in touch with a “sensible” part of myself, one that is calming and understanding, knowing it to be me and finding the love in myself that can heal me, even if I’m personifying it externally. This also works when I write my stories. 🙂

    In this process, I don’t talk TO the thought–I talk ABOUT the thought, openly. I bring it out in the open (a sort of release, maybe?), talk about it to my imaginary friend (re: me), and contemplate on why it’s so painful, why it had to exist in the first place, and the pain about thinking about it. The “self-understanding” that follows (“I totally understand,” “Ugh, that’s horrible,” “That should never have happened,” “These things are not worth concentrating on, Marc”) can help tons, and deal with it moderately well, though it doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t come back later.

    So while I’m not sure your method works for me, I definitely appreciate and will try it, even more the comments on the heart that you see in me. 🙂 I am so mindful of my “dark self”, that it’s easy for me to forget about the light that exists in me. I like to wonder, am I the candle itself, whereas all I can see is darkness, but that’s only because the light is me? (Nah, that would mean the darkness is illuminated…ugh, I suck at building effective metaphors)

    Well, whatever is going on through my jumbly head right now, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for YOU, for simply existing, and for being happy for my existence. 🙂 Rest assured that I will never stop loving and hopefully add to life. And if you ever see a top-hat-wearing walrus in your travels, be sure to introduce yourself, as I promise to hold you close to my heart for a good five minutes, if not longer. <3

    All my love, care, and gratitude, ALWAYS,

    — Marc/Royce

    in reply to: Getting Past a Painful Movie? #72938
    Marc
    Participant

    Hey Pamela,

    (By the way, I’m sorry if I’m muddling the replies in this thread. I’m trying to respond to individual posts, but I’m not sure if it’s working right…I rarely post on internet forums!!)

    I’m extremely sorry that you get sneered at, and I don’t care if it’s for liking the movies I hate; the principle is the same! You love what you love, and even though I have fears of people who enjoy violent movies, I am also able to see the aspects that shine far brighter and have an even greater healing force (your empathy and care are so significantly awesome!). Yes, you are right….we need variety in this world, and I do love it, as I love being the “different/weird” one, to add more color to life. I just…have my own tastes, y’know? 🙂

    Rom coms? Hehe, I like CERTAIN ones. 🙂 They gotta be done juuuuuust right for me. Something like My Big Fat Greek Wedding is pleasantly entertaining for being cute, real, funny, and most of all, SIMPLE (no special effects needed!). But I can easily understand why some people wouldn’t care for it, either. And I’m still not certain what constitutes a “chick flick”… I think I liked Notting Hill, but again, I would NEVER EVER EVER look down on someone for disliking it… The best part of being looked down on is that you come to realize how NOT to treat others, and I think it’s made me the more open-hearted person I am today (though even I have my trippings in places).

    Blargle, I think I’m falling over my words now, sorry. Go watch Kingsman and enjoy. 🙂 I love the umbrellas most of all. 😉 I will pop in Noises Off! or Auntie Mame and smile. I can’t deny my tastes in movies are weird and unconventional, but vive la difference, right? 😀

    BIG WALRUS HUGS, all my love, and many thanks to you and yours!! Be safe, always!!!

    — Marc

    in reply to: Getting Past a Painful Movie? #72937
    Marc
    Participant

    Hey Cindy,

    Thank you so much. Just the comfort of knowing that I’m not alone is a DEFINITE help. Unfortunately, the time span for the memories to “get fuzzy” (as I like to say) is usually about five or so years, given my trauma of seeing Pink Floyd’s The Wall at 6 years old (and again at college, thinking I had “toughened up”…but didn’t). For some things, it never leaves. Episodes of Roseanne STILL haunt me at work and bother me so much, and the only way I can get rid of them is through something that involves me actively talking or being distracted by something nicer (oddly enough, quiet spaces can be WORSE for me, since they feel like more open space for the bad thoughts to come back).

    This will take a long time, but your words and the presence of sites like TinyBuddha are definitively a great help. My heart goes out to all those who have been traumatized by far worse things, and I hope they will heal even faster than I will.

    Much love and peace, ALWAYS,

    Marc

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