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Katie

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  • #374762
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I actually have been quite angry lately, which I know is part of the healing process.  I have blocked him from my phone and he began emailing me.  I don’t check my email that often, but on Valentine’s Day I had about 8 emails from him professing his love for me, saying he can’t live without me, how sorry he is…etc.  I didn’t see these until Monday.  He apologized for walking out of therapy; said he was angry at what the therapist said, not what I said.  Which I have no idea what he’s talking about.  As far I as recall, my psych simply asked what he thought about what I said.

    Anyway, I feel lighter these days.  I feel no need to respond.  I have my own therapy next week….I’m still working on me.  But I do feel strong and have been working on boundaries, which is what gave me the strength to “stand up” in the last therapy session.

    Thank you for think about me Anita!

    Katie

    #374344
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I do love him, but I don’t like him.  I don’t like how insignificant he finds me.  I should have seen the flags along the way, but ignored them.

    I guess now he can relax and not obsess over the mental movies of me with others.  He can finally put his mind at ease, since we are no longer together.  Now his mind can be at peace.

    And, in time, I will have peace as well.

    Katie

    #374240
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for thinking enough to go back and research what I’ve posted.  I have no idea if ex-bf was molested; I do know he was abused.  Something happened to him that he won’t share, and I didn’t ever pry.  It would have been nice if he had done the same for me.

    When we went into this last therapy session I decided I would go back to the basics and not his OCD stuff.  As I mentioned, our discussions and fallout of the discussion was always the same.  In my mind I thought this is a deal breaker for me so it this is not going to change, there’s no reason to go on any further.

    What you pieced together could be absolutely true.  I hope for his sake he finds a really good therapist that will dig a bit deep and not just hold his hand and rub his back, so to say.

    I do feel lighter, as if a weight has lifted off of me.  I no longer am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I did send him his key in the mail, and told him not to bother to return mine, that it no longer fits in the lock. (I had them changed, as my son had some concerns since ex-bf has just shown up at my house before.  He wasn’t sure what reaction he would have to me returning the key.)  I also told him I am awaiting word on our cemetery plot to see if the double can be split into 2 singles, then we can each do what we please with our separate plot.  A few years back I went to get a plot, he tagged along, and wanted one too.  Big mistake getting the double.  He always wanted to put the gravestone there marking the grave site, but I refused.

    I guess now he was my lesson.  And what a lesson!  Thank you Anita~

    Katie

    #374098
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wanted to update you on what has been going on with the therapy.  Last night we had therapy and I must say that I attended the appointment already angered by the past year that has unfolded.  I asked my psychologist how my ex-bf and I are supposed to communicate outside of a therapeutic setting when I bring up issues or things that offend me and he pacifies me with saying he understands but then days later he comes back with “You have no right to tell me……”  I don’t know what is true and what is not.  My offenses and concern is always the same… about him viewing nudity/sex on tv and movies when I find it offensive and degrading to women.  That even when I’m not with him, he should not be viewing when I find it offensive and objectifying women.   I told ex-bf that (believe it or not he’s religious) I don’t hang upside down crosses in my house and remove before he comes over.  He would know that during the week I have the crosses hanging, not caring about his offense, truly indicating who I am.

    Therefore, with the help of my psych, I told ex-bf it was a deal breaker.  That it went against the core of who I am.  I would never offend him, and haven’t.  My psych asked him how do you feel about what Katie just said.  With that ex-bf got up and held out his hand (gesturing to shake mine).  I said I’m not shaking your hand. And he left the appointment.

    So, he chose nudity and sex and porn over me.  That’s what I am telling myself and that’s what is making this so easy to walk away from.  My psych told me there is really something very not right with ex-bf.  My psych has been doing therapy for 30 years and has never seen a patient like ex-bf.  He also told me he doesn’t want this for me.  After a 25 year abusive marriage hadn’t I had enough?  I agreed. So now, I move on knowing I did everything I could to resuscitate this relationship.  But I cannot be with someone who offends and disrespects who I am.

    Thank you for all your advice.  I continue on with my own therapy to hopefully understand the lesson I’ve learned.

    Katie

     

    #372216
    Katie
    Participant

    Happy New Year Anita!

    Bf and I went to therapy together seeing my therapist.  My therapist made bf feel quite comfortable about seeing us together, as he has seen me for decades alone.  Bf liked him and felt comfortable.

    My therapist asked bf many questions. I didn’t do too much talking because I knew that my therapist was trying to get a feel for what was going on with bf.  He did tell bf he knows that he has this image looping in his mind, and bf agreed.  But my therapist said that no matter how many questions you ask Katie and how many different ways you ask the questions, you’re never going to be satisfied with the answer, because this is your loop, which you need to stop. Katie can’t stop it.

    Bf also offered the story of how he stopped over my house one day to talk with my daughter, and I told him not to go up to her bedroom.  Bf said he thought “someone” was upstairs that I didn’t want him to see.  My therapist said, “After 6 years together, it this what you think of Katie?  That as soon as you walk out, someone else walks in?”  Bf said it was because of the way I was dressed.  I said I didn’t want you to go up to daughter’s bedroom because it’s a violation of her privacy and a boundary.  Then I said that I wear what I was wearing all the time.  Bf said, you looked dressed up. I said I was wearing capri jeans and a black shirt.  I wear those with you all the time.  Then he said it wasn’t your usual dress down look. Then I started to say something and my therapist interrupted us and said, “Stop.  This right here what you’re both doing has to stop.  This constant banter of him accusing you of something and you explaining yourself has to stop.  Katie should say that’s not true, and that’s the end of it.  There’s none of this back and forth over an accusation.”  I then realized that I do that all the time.  He accuses me and I explain myself 400 different ways. And, it has to stop.

    We did make another appointment to go back in a couple weeks, so we’ll see how that goes.  Although right now I am focusing on my daughter, and that is my main focus.

    Katie

    #371677
    Katie
    Participant

    Merry Christmas Anita!

    Katie

    #371145
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My daughter seems to have these upsetting missing moments of bf when she’s been drinking.  I’m beginning to believe that she has a problem and is self-medicating. Once she turned 21, she started to drink.  She doesn’t drink daily, but when she does it’s this day long binge and it interferes with her therapy…she misses appointments.  The past couple of times she did this binge, she had so much stomach pain that I told her that I believe she’s having alcohol gastritis.  I recall my ex having this issue.  And last night she had it after a day-long binge.  She drinks slowly over the course of 12 hours, but consumes a lot of alcohol.  She said it seems like the stomach pain is worse from the last time, and I told her “that’s because it is worse, because it’s getting worse.  Your body is telling you something and you’re not listening.”  I simply couldn’t feel sorry for her.  She’ll be sleeping just about all day today, but tomorrow she and I need to have a talk. I cannot live through burying my child, as her father’s mother had to do.

    I actually spoke with bf over the weekend, and it was agreed that we would see a therapist together.  I do not feel his therapist is qualified to handle his issues, just from some of the things he told me.  He says he does most of the talking which isn’t good in my eyes.  She needs to interject and when she does, the answer he gives is just left at that.  He was talking about something, and she interrupted and asked him “is what’s bothering you the image you have in your mind of Katie and the other guy?”  He said “yes.” And she let him go on with what he was talking about before she asked that question.  She brushed over the issue, which is a huge issue.  It would have been a good time for her to educate him on trauma and reframing, but she didn’t.

    I saw my therapist this past Monday, and he said he would welcome a meeting with me and bf.  He said it would help me make decisions about the relationship.  I said, “You want me to be present when you have the first appointment with him.”  He said, “Absolutely, bring it on.”  He said he would be professional, but wants to really dig into this.  My therapist is a PsyD, and he doesn’t hold back.  He’s not nasty, but to the point.   It will be an interesting visit. Of course part of what needs to be done is making amends with my daughter.  Bf knows this.

    I need to either take slow steps forward with bf, or close this chapter.  Limbo isn’t working.  Perhaps the meeting on the 28th will give me insight.  I’m taking this one day at a time.

    Katie

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Katie.
    #370835
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I haven’t heard from bf since Sunday, which isn’t unusual.  He did mention he’s not feeling well; may get COVID tested, but we mostly communicate on the weekends.  His COVID issues are really his OCD kicking in; every sniffle is COVID.

    Quite frankly, I needed a break from him this week.  My daughter the other morning was very upset about bf.  She doesn’t know why he formed a father-like relationship with her, only to use her and hurt her.  It’s really putting her in a not so good place, and she did reach out to her therapist in an email which she let me read.  She mentioned that I seem to be ok, which she couldn’t understand.  I told her I can’t spend every moment thinking about bf. I think about her, her brother, me.  I keep busy, but I’m not ok.  But I can’t let the times that I’m not ok consume me, because although I get sad, I deserve better, and so does she. I told her that I will have people come into my life, and she has her whole life ahead of her and many people will come into her life.  We have to establish our boundaries with those people for our own peace of mind.  We continue on with our therapy.

    This morning, as I wrote in my journal, I was angry.  Angry at bf for what he’s done, angry at my daughter for not being more resilient and moving forward with her life (and not self-medicating with alcohol on occasion), and angry at myself, for not telling bf a year ago to “f” off.  I know this sounds so unlike me, but I was in a very angry place.  And the harm he’s caused to my daughter is inexcusable.  She was off limits in our relationship.

    I know I’m venting, but I know I’ve been quiet this week.  I think I just needed to get angry.  And I didn’t care where he was mentally and emotionally, because seeing my daughter hurting is heartbreaking to me.  And it’s all because of him.  But, I reinforced that we learn lessons from relationships.  Her response was “Believe me, I’ll never let anyone you’re with in again.”  Which I understand at this point, and also think is safe.

    Katie

    #370665
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree….completely.

    Katie

    #370658
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I don’t know what he’d say.  Perhaps “I don’t know.”  Perhaps I should ask him; say to him yesterday you asked me this… I’d like to know what do you think is going to happen to us?

    Do you think?

    Katie

    #370642
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This weekend I put up my tree and my daughter and I decorated it yesterday.  I did put a few things around the house….my snowpeople collection and some things my kids made by hand as youngsters that I can’t part with (noodle wreaths).

    Bf did contact me.  He asked me, “What do you think is going to happen to us?”  I said, that depends on your therapy.  I told him I am not sitting with him in therapy, and that I don’t know what’s discussed.  I told him my therapist advised a session together.  Bf asked “with your therapist?”  I said, no, with yours, but mine would be willing to have the session.  The discussion pretty much ended at this point. I’m not sure if he wants to speak with his therapist.

    We’ll see what happens.

    Katie

    #370462
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    As you know, I am always hopeful.  I feel he and I both know there was a time when everything was very easy and right.  Our lives were very intertwined.  He was my best friend.  The challenges of this past year have harmed me in ways that will take some time to undo.  Trust being one of them.  I protected my heart after my abusive ex, and when you let someone in, and they end up harming you again, you feel you cannot trust anyone…not with your heart.

    He says “we waited until our lives were at the end of our existence in this world.  Our youth long gone.”  Which I can only interpret as we came together later in life to be together until the end.  Our youth (past) is long gone.”  My thought was….I’ve been saying this for a year!

    I’ll be honest in saying it feels good that he thinks of me, and, as my psychologist would say, of course he is.  But, I need to know what’s going on in therapy.  That question will be asked this weekend when he contacts me.

    Katie

    #370442
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    She has never tried these things.  I have brought up yoga to her before.  With COVID and the absence of classes being held inside or outside (too cold), she would need to stream from YouTube or the like.  I can try to have her perhaps do a class with me, but she’s very reluctant to any form of exercise, which is not good.  I talk with her about the mind body connection and the benefit of exercise.  Sometimes she’s so down she could care less.

    I just got back on my treadmill yesterday after losing interest in a few months because of the bf issues, and how I didn’t feel like doing anything.  In the past, my treadmill was part of my daily routine; if I missed a day it bothered me.  Now, as I ease back into it, I’m cutting myself a break.  Ease back…baby steps.  Yesterday I just decided I needed to get me back, and that was the first thing I thought of…my treadmill.

    I mentioned to my daughter that I got back on the treadmill, and how she might benefit from that as well.  She wasn’t too keen on the idea.

    I also have decided that I’m going to learn how to play the piano.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and a friend told me there are great classes on YouTube, even for beginners.  That will be my gift to myself.  I just need to get the portable piano.  Who knows, maybe even my daughter will want to learn as well.

    Bf still contacts me.  He dreams about me and thinks about me when he wakes up.  I know he misses me.  This would be much easier for me if this was not during holiday time.

    Katie

     

    #370387
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, what you describe is my daughter, and I have heard of complex PTSD.

    I read a book entitled, “No Comfort Zone; Notes on Living with PTSD” written by Marla Handy, who has C-PTSD.  And yes, as you describe, this is different from PTSD that is associated with war veterans.  The difference described in the book is that the war veteran had a normal life, was thrown into an abnormal life (war), and now has to get back to the normal life they had before war.  The C-PTSD individual has no “normal” to go back to.  Trauma from a young age. Now they have to break the connections their brains made and reform those connections.  Hence, therapy.

    My daughter is trying her best to move forward.  She is no longer cutting.  She has issues going on job interviews because her old coping skills of recognizing threats takes over.  She battles this.  At this point I’m thinking about having her go on disability (SSI) to have some kind of income, because I’m it.

    I’m hopeful that she will have a fulfilling life.  She’s a kind soul and deserves a good life.

    Katie

    #370364
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    If you recall, my ex-spouse was an abusive alcoholic.  His abuse was not just directed at me but at the kids as well.  My son was older when the abuse started to get really bad.  As the ex began to increase his drinking to a daily consumption, his abuse escalated.  An abuser gets worse when intoxicated, but not all alcoholics are abusers.  My daughter was quite young, 6ish when she realized what was going on, so her brain made many connections that need to be undone.

    My son left for his undergrad education in 2008, but did come home on weekends.  While he was at college, that’s when the abuse got really bad.  My ex needed to drink in the morning, or he would sweat and shake, and it continued throughout the day, even at work.  He was a highly functional alcoholic until his last year of life.

    My daughter was exposed to him smashing objects, verbally and emotionally abusing me, and physically abusing me as well.  He also verbally and emotionally abused the kids.  I couldn’t go out unless my son was home to take care of my daughter; she feared her father.  The few times that I did go over a friends house down the block, my daughter would hide from her father in a closet, call me, and tell me to come home.  He would talk very loudly in the house about what he thought about me, and then wanted to talk with my daughter.  That’s when she would hide.  There was one time ex was in the garage with her and I heard her start to cry.  As I opened the house door leading into the garage, he screamed in her face, “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to punch you in the f’n face!”  I was horrified.  He’s punched holes in walls….you name it…he did it.  He always asked her if she wanted him to move out.  I told him she’s a little girl and she’s not to make decisions for him.   And I will be the one who says, and has said, you need to move out.  After finally did move out in 2010, I found a note in the garage from him, which be probably wrote while drinking, “K – I’ll slit you’re f’n throat.”  Oh Anita, I could go on and on.

    I got over the bit of PTSD I had after he moved out.  It took awhile before my body didn’t jump when I heard the garage door opening.  It was my son coming home.  Ex was already moved out.

    My daughter still has dreams of her father screaming at her and hiding from him.  She screams in her sleep at times.  She’s starting to have dreams of her, at her present age, yelling back at him…fighting back.  In her dreams she used to be a little girl, now she’s moved into adulthood.  Her therapist said that’s progress.  She has a very high fight trigger when she feels like she’s being cornered or mistreated.

    This is something that she will always live with.  She needs to learn to cope with her triggers.  It’s still hard, and I don’t know if she’ll ever live a normal life.  I am hopeful, as always, hopeful Katie.  I could write a book.

    Katie

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Katie.
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