Forum Replies Created
November 25, 2020 at 5:39 pm #369911
Tonight on our way to Dunkin Donuts, my daughter said I seem quiet and am I thinking of “bf”. I said was but trying not to focus on it too much. She reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for, and reminded me of our Thanksgiving from 2011. My son, who at that time was her age, 22, had a head injury, concussion, and areas of bleeding requiring 2 brain surgeries. His traumatic brain injury left him without any disability; however, he was in and out of the hospital for about a month. This was during the time when I was going through a divorce with my abusive alcoholic ex. That was the worst Thanksgiving ever. I waited in the ICU waiting room for my son to come out of surgery. He could have died.
My daughter has had her own struggles in the past with suicidal thoughts. She’s come a long way but still has a long way to go.
Amazing how my daughter today I guess recognized my struggle, and found something to try to have me put things into perspective. I always thought the 3 of us (her, my son, me) were a powerful force. I will be with them tomorrow and be thankful that they are both with me. We’ve gone through hell together and somehow always make it out. I have to always remember this….we are stronger than we realize.
I wish you a pleasant Thanksgiving.
KatieNovember 25, 2020 at 2:22 pm #369896
My therapist is awesome. He tells it like it is, and is very forthcoming in “this is what I see should happen”. I know some therapists want you to figure it out on your own, but he’s not that way. He listens, asks questions, wants to know how I feel about something, then much discussion. If I say, “What should I do? I just don’t know.” He offers the advice that I need. He knows me well enough to give the answer specific to me.
Yesterday on the way to Dunkin Donuts with my daughter, seeing all the decorated houses for Christmas made me mention “I’m not ready for the holidays. I just can’t get into it.” Her response was “You shouldn’t let one person ruin the entire rest of your year.” She said it not in a soothing way, but in a “get over it mom” way. That really upset me. I’ve spent 5 Christmas’s with my “bf” and this year is not my normal. I thought she would have more empathy, but she did not. Hence, my disappointment in possibly not seeing my son tonight.
I’m going to try my best to enjoy the day tomorrow.
This morning I felt stronger, but as the day wore on I’m kinda getting down. My son has a manuscript he’s working on so he may not come over until tomorrow morning. No big deal, I just was really looking forward to seeing him tonight.November 24, 2020 at 2:14 pm #369846
Many things were discussed. My therapist said communicating with him opening the door and letting him stand in the foyer. Then things get comfortable and he moves into the living area of the house. Meanwhile, none of the issues that brought us to this breaking point are discussed. He feels that I need to either hear in the conversations that he recognizes his behaviors are not appropriate, or I need to get into a therapy session with him. Of course, I’m giving you the condensed version.
He also felt that perhaps he thought holidays would be spent together as they were in the past, as he asked me “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” But, he’s not being welcomed back into the family until he makes amends with me…and my daughter. Can’t just waltz right back in where you left off.
I feel better after therapy. I’ve known my therapist since 2008 and he doesn’t hold back. Years ago I would talk about how easy my relationship was with “bf”, which is the way it’s supposed to be. Now, it’s the exact opposite.
Therapy does kick my butt though. Emotions flow and it’s exhausting. Right now I feel like I’ll give it a bit more time to see what indications he gives me that he’s really worked on himself, or I’ll talk about being invited into a therapy session.
KatieNovember 24, 2020 at 10:58 am #369831
Funny you should mention “betrayed by those he looked up to for love and protection.” He has said to me, referring to my high school past, that he felt “betrayed.” I could never understand that since I didn’t know him. Misplaced betrayal perhaps.
I’m off to therapy. I just need to get through these holidays. My heart is heavy.
KatieNovember 24, 2020 at 9:35 am #369826
The ice cream was love. When we were together, every Friday and Saturday night we would make ice cream cones and bring them into bed, propped up, just chatting or watching tv. I don’t do that now, it was our thing, not my thing.
He did tell his story about his 2 brothers in a no big deal manner. Also, he told stories of when he was very young (3, maybe 4 years old) of being very attached to his father and always following him around, holding onto his pants with his hand. One story in particular sticks out. His dad was fixing a car tire; he was holding onto his pant leg as usual. It was winter, and his one brother threw a snowball at him and it hit him in the face. He started to cry and his father smacked him saying “Stop your whining.” (not realizing why he was crying) Which, of course, made him cry more. He lost that closeness with his father as he grew, and didn’t get it back again until his father was elderly (80’s). His dad passed away in 2014.
As a fixer, I wish I could do something, but I would listen to him and hold his hand. It’s all I could do. The stories never seemed upsetting to him, but they were upsetting to me. My childhood was so much different. I was never hit by my parents, and in turn, my siblings and I never hit each other.
November 24, 2020 at 8:48 am #369820
- This reply was modified 1 day, 8 hours ago by Katie.
Sibling rivalry. He experienced that as a child as well. He is the youngest of 4. Quite a bit of years between each of them (his sister is 71 and the oldest). His 2 brothers, in my mind, abused him. They would tease him, which I guess is normal, but also take things from him (like when they finished their ice cream cone, they would grab his away from him). One incident, his one brother grabbed him by the feet; the other by the hands, and swung him (hammock style) back and forth until they let go and he flew into the wall breaking his toe. He was about 5 at the time. I was shocked when I heard this. Besides the usual sibling teasing that happens in families, my parents taught us to respect each other; no hitting, harming.
He has a great deal of affection for my daughter, but has said some negative things about her. I try to take my daughter to her therapy appointments as a supportive gesture, and he has said at times, “Is G driving to her appointment today or is he waiting for mommy to take her?” (sarcasm)
His childhood must have been pretty messed up. I never realized how much until you bring things to my attention.
KatieNovember 24, 2020 at 7:52 am #369812
I think you are correct. He felt neglected by his mother; this he has told me. He mother worked full-time, and he was raised by his grandmother, his father’s mother, that lived with them. He never felt a closeness with his mother. And, until we got the burial plots, always told me that when he dies he wanted to be cremated and buried at his grandmother’s burial plot.
He always referred to me as “his home”, which I felt was very affectionate. I felt like he was home to me as well.
I do believe because of his issues, his OCD, indecisiveness, need of guidance, low self-esteem, that he did need someone to take care of him, as a mother would do I would imagine. As he became more forgetful, I would tell him to write things down, leaving sticky notes around as reminders. I had him get a small basket which is where he threw his keys, wallet, Blistex….all the things he would never find in the morning before leaving for work. He always seemed so scatterbrained. I tried to make his life easier. I think I did things another woman probably would never have cared to do; she’d let him figure it out.
So, I do believe there is a lot of weight in what you said.
KatieNovember 24, 2020 at 6:46 am #369807
Scenario 1 sounds very much like reality. That was very much our relationship, up until a year ago.
Scenario 2 doesn’t quite fit exactly. When we were physically together, he didn’t get angry with me. It was when we were apart, and always about the same issue…the guy in high school (both; the one I lost my virginity to, and the other that molested/raped me). Although I do admit that he depended upon me to take care of him more than I depended on him to take care of me. He had difficulty making decisions, and I always tried to guide him to make his own decision. He wanted my advice on everything.
If we do manage to come back together, I believe he and I will need to address the issues of this past year. We cannot sweep them under the rug, because eventually we’ll trip and fall over that rug. I have told him in the past what I need from the relationship, and he also has asked what I need. But the anger about my distant past is something that I simply cannot understand.
I do believe that something did happen to him when my daughter was drunk and he was afraid she would drown. That was the beginning of the side of him I never saw. Yes, I saw a jealous side before, but it wasn’t destructive as the behaviors that followed that vacation.
I cannot go back to this past year. I have always made my feelings very clear (after years of therapy), but still do have issues with boundaries (left over from my ex). I’m working on those with my therapist.
Funny…the one thing he and I thought about our relationship was that we could discuss anything. Of course, he didn’t want to know anything about my past relationships; nor I his. Unless it was something that was important to our relationship. But time to time things come up. I believed that our relationship began the first time he walked in my door 6 years ago. He felt it began back in 6th grade. And I think that’s the issue and the faulty thinking on his part. He always said that from 6th grade to now he has “connected the dots.” I never could understand that because we both went on with our lives, got married, had children, got divorced. There were no dots to connect.
I do feel like the holidays are taking their toll on me. I’m feeling quite down, and my anxiety in the morning, as soon as I wake up, is sky high. My psychiatrist has prescribed meds for my anxiety, but this down feeling I can’t shake. I’m beginning to understand how my daughter feels. There are days that she doesn’t get out of bed. I feel like I could do those days at times, but I don’t. And, when she doesn’t get out of bed, I’m always encouraging her to get up. Usually going for a ride to get iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts does the trick. I feel alone and have to depend on me to get going.
When I see my son tomorrow, I have a feeling I may just fall into his arms and cry. Not the greeting he’s expecting I’m sure.
KatieNovember 23, 2020 at 5:48 pm #369795
When I think of my “ex” I think of my alcoholic spouse that died. We were going thru a divorce, but he died before anything was finalized. So, still refer to him as my ex, not my spouse.
I don’t consider my “bf” (how’s that?) to be my “ex”. When he is no longer my partner, I will not have to refer to him at all. I will go through the grieving process, I think I kind of already have begun, but he will just be him…my past. We still communicate, still are in therapy, and I am trying to see where this goes.
I felt much better tonight. My daughter and I did our puzzling, and that’s something she and I enjoy together. I guess we both need to shift our focus, and it may even help with her PTSD. I know it helps with my anxiety and depressive moods.
I tested COVID negative, which was a positive in my day. Although there are days when I could care less if I’m here or not, I know my daughter depends on me, my son would be devastated, and my family would be in pain. At this point in my life, at 58, I was hoping to be living simply and in peace. I think it will be awhile before I get there.
Just keep social distancing and masking. It does make a difference.
KatieNovember 23, 2020 at 1:14 pm #369778
I have a few symptoms and thought it best I get tested. No fever and no difficulty breathing, thank goodness. My boss’s daughter tested COVID positive so now my boss is isolating herself at home, just in case.
He goes to his therapy and I’m not sure what is discussed. I do know at my therapy I am reminded of what my past year has been like by my therapist. Has my “boyfriend” changed? I don’t know. I will need to know this soon because with all the other things going on in my life, this is just making things worse. It’s like the whole world is caving in and no one is throwing me a lifeline. If it was just this one thing…the boyfriend thing…perhaps I’d be better able to handle things. But right now I’m feeling a bit depressed, so I’m thankful for the appointment with my therapist tomorrow.
Today is another not so great day. And I don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping. Maybe I’ll get back to that puzzle.
November 23, 2020 at 12:27 pm #369772
- This reply was modified 2 days, 4 hours ago by Katie.
I said, “That’s a nice thought. I did take Advil so hopefully it will begin to work soon.”
And, I was being honest, it was a nice thought. I don’t like to ignore such a response because I believe in letting someone know you appreciate their kindness and thought. I guess at times that can work against me. From my childhood, I can remember a handful of times my mother said she loved me, and my dad I recall twice….once when I was a teenager and did that stay out all night and scare them thing (days of no cell phones), and later in life as an adult when he was in the hospital. I don’t do that with my children. I tell my daughter daily that I love her, since she is living with me, and every time my son and I text or talk on the phone, I tell him, or he tells me first, which is extremely cool.
I was COVID tested yesterday. Waiting for my results. I want everyone to know what they mean to me.
Thank you Anita, for your advice.
KatieNovember 23, 2020 at 9:48 am #369762
He and I were communicating this weekend, texting. Again, no mention of the past. Our communication feels very comfortable, although I’m not sure where it’s going. I mentioned that I woke up with a headache. He said “I need to give you a penicillin kiss.” This is always something we said to each other when one was hurting…it needed a penicillin kiss. This affection surprised me.
I’m not looking forward to the holidays. I think I mentioned that already. I am looking forward to seeing my son for Thanksgiving; I haven’t seen him since the beginning of October, but feel that I’m going to have a hard time getting through the holiday, and then saying goodbye to him until the Christmas holiday rolls around. I can’t even think of putting up my tree. There’s just too many memories. I feel like crawling under a blanket today and sleeping the day away.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I’m hoping it helps.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 12:54 pm #369674
I’m not sure what he would be diagnosed with if he were to meet with a psychiatrist. I know he has told me his mother was diagnosed with depression (she passed away when he was 24), and his sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Whatever the case may be, he was definitely jekyll/hyde. I thought that was related to the OCD (depending on where his mind was focused at the time).
Like I said, physically together things were ok, although he did have the jealousy issue. Apart was when I experienced his passive aggressiveness and OCD movies.
I know my mind and body can’t take this for an extended period of time. There needs to be a plan in place as to where our relationship is going, or not going at all.
Tonight I will be jigsaw puzzling. It keeps me focused without thought. I’m trying to find Meetup groups in my area (not for dating) just to find new people to interact with. I know it’s a difficult task with COVID.
Thank you for all your help with this. I need all the help I can get at this point.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 10:24 am #369655
I don’t believe that he has wanted to end the relationship because he talked about the future. Over the course of this year, he also wanted to put our grave stone on the plots, waiting for us. I told him that was not something I wanted to do. He also talked about where we would live in retirement. He adopted a kitten which I found through a friend, and the kitten was coming over with him on weekends. He referred to me as “Mommy” to the kitten. He said he wished that we were able to have our own biological children together. He loved being involved with my family, and when I was at his house for the weekend (he lives in the same town as my mom), he would make sure we visited her. My wake up text from him was always “Good morning beautiful.”
Our relationship, even through this year of hell, was very connected. We held hands constantly…when walking, he held my hand while driving, sitting on the sofa, while we slept. We actually slept in his twin bed together and it was plenty of room because we were always in a hug or pretzeled together. There was constant physical touching of our bodies (I don’t mean sexually). I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm was hugging me next to him.
He has always been very jealous though. And I never gave him a reason to be.
He has told me that in the past a therapist has thought he might be bipolar.
I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior this past year. It seemed like when we were together things were fine. Apart is when the mental movies would play and then his passive aggressive behavior would kick in (silent treatment…one word answers in text messages). I thought it wise that he have his own therapy to deal with issues of his childhood that may play a role in his lacking of self-esteem….the constant needing to know if I still love him, if he satisfies me, etc. He has told me that he had poor self-esteem in high school. I did not. I was always quite confident in myself back then and was not a follower. He very much was a follower (he’s admitted this).
I simply can’t believe that for 5 years he hid his true self. I think something happened on vacation last summer that was a huge trigger for him. My daughter was with us and she had a bit too much to drink. I waited up for her; he told me I looked exhausted, to go to bed, and he would find her. He found her and she kept trying to jump (swim) in the lake near our condo, which he feared she would drown because she was intoxicated. His son’s best friend committed suicide while in college, back in 2010. He felt like he should have recognized something in this young man and could have prevented the suicide. He said this triggered the feelings of that time period. That’s when things started to go downhill during vacation. It was as if he was angry with my daughter and me. I had no idea about the lake issue until days later.
He has a lot of stuff in his past; so do I. I’ve been fortunate to seek out therapy. Hopefully he will benefit from the therapy. At this point I just don’t know. I only know I feel tired and hope for the best; prepare for the worst.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 5:52 am #369648
I slept well. Sometimes I need meds to help me sleep, and I did last night. This morning in my journal I wrote that I have this deep ache in my chest. Can I actually feel my heart breaking? Today, emotionally, I’m not doing well. So I guess that deep ache can be anxiety. I’m not looking forward to the holidays…too many memories that my mind simply can’t handle. I’m thankful that my son will be home (he lives in Baltimore, MD) because he seems to always know what to say to make me feel better. So, between seeing my therapist on Tuesday, and my son on Wednesday, maybe my mind will be somewhat at ease. Of course, posting here has helped immensely. I’m glad I stumbled upon this site and have had your ear for quite some time. It helps, and I thank you.