Hi Anita,

My therapist is awesome.  He tells it like it is, and is very forthcoming in “this is what I see should happen”.   I know some therapists want you to figure it out on your own, but he’s not that way.  He listens, asks questions, wants to know how I feel about something, then much discussion.  If I say, “What should I do? I just don’t know.”  He offers the advice that I need.  He knows me well enough to give the answer specific to me.

Yesterday on the way to Dunkin Donuts with my daughter, seeing all the decorated houses for Christmas made me mention “I’m not ready for the holidays.  I just can’t get into it.”  Her response was “You shouldn’t let one person ruin the entire rest of your year.”  She said it not in a soothing way, but in a “get over it mom” way.  That really upset me.  I’ve spent 5 Christmas’s with my “bf” and this year is not my normal.  I thought she would have more empathy, but she did not.  Hence, my disappointment in possibly not seeing my son tonight.

I’m going to try my best to enjoy the day tomorrow.

Katie

This morning I felt stronger, but as the day wore on I’m kinda getting down.  My son has a manuscript he’s working on so he may not come over until tomorrow morning. No big deal, I just was really looking forward to seeing him tonight.

Hi Anita,

Funny you should mention “betrayed by those he looked up to for love and protection.”  He has said to me, referring to my high school past, that he felt “betrayed.”  I could never understand that since I didn’t know him.  Misplaced betrayal perhaps.

I’m off to therapy.  I just need to get through these holidays.  My heart is heavy.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Sibling rivalry.  He experienced that as a child as well.  He is the youngest of 4.  Quite a bit of years between each of them (his sister is 71 and the oldest).  His 2 brothers, in my mind, abused him.  They would tease him, which I guess is normal, but also take things from him (like when they finished their ice cream cone, they would grab his away from him).  One incident, his one brother grabbed him by the feet; the other by the hands, and swung him (hammock style) back and forth until they let go and he flew into the wall breaking his toe.  He was about 5 at the time.  I was shocked  when I heard this.  Besides the usual  sibling teasing that happens in families, my parents taught us to respect each other; no hitting, harming.

He has a great deal of affection for my daughter, but has said some negative things about her.  I try to take my daughter to her therapy appointments as a supportive gesture,  and he has said at times, “Is G driving to her appointment today or is he waiting for mommy to take her?”  (sarcasm)

His childhood must have been pretty messed up.   I never realized how much until you bring things to my attention.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Scenario 1 sounds very much like reality.  That was very much our relationship, up until a year ago.

Scenario 2 doesn’t quite fit exactly.  When we were physically together, he didn’t get angry with me.  It was when we were apart, and always about the same issue…the guy in high school (both; the one I lost my virginity to, and the other that molested/raped me).  Although I do admit that he depended upon me to take care of him more than I depended on him to take care of me.  He had difficulty making decisions, and I always tried to guide him to make his own decision.  He wanted my advice on everything.

If we do manage to come back together, I believe he and I will need to address the issues of this past year. We cannot sweep them under the rug, because eventually we’ll trip and fall over that rug.  I have told him in the past what I need from the relationship, and he also has asked what I need.  But the anger about my distant past is something that I simply cannot understand.

I do believe that something did happen to him when my daughter was drunk and he was afraid she would drown.  That was the beginning of the side of him I never saw.  Yes, I saw a jealous side before, but it wasn’t destructive as the behaviors that followed that vacation.

I cannot go back to this past year.  I have always made my feelings very clear (after years of therapy), but still do have issues with boundaries (left over from my ex).  I’m working on those with my therapist.

Funny…the one thing he and I thought about our relationship was that we could discuss anything.  Of course, he didn’t want to know anything about my past relationships; nor I his. Unless it was something that was important to our relationship.  But time to time things come up.  I believed that our relationship began the first time he walked in my door 6 years ago. He felt it began back in 6th grade.  And I think that’s the issue and the faulty thinking on his part.  He always said that from 6th grade to now he has “connected the dots.”  I never could understand that because we both went on with our lives, got married, had children, got divorced.  There were no dots to connect.

I do feel like the holidays are taking their toll on me. I’m feeling quite down, and my anxiety in the morning, as soon as I wake up, is sky high.  My psychiatrist has prescribed meds for my anxiety, but this down feeling I can’t shake.  I’m beginning to understand how my daughter feels. There are days that she doesn’t get out of bed.  I feel like I could do those days at times, but I don’t.  And, when she doesn’t get out of bed, I’m always encouraging her to get up.  Usually going for a ride to get iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts does the trick.  I feel alone and have to depend on me to get going.

When I see my son tomorrow, I have a feeling I may just fall into his arms and cry. Not the greeting he’s expecting I’m sure.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I have a few symptoms and thought it best I get tested.  No fever and no difficulty breathing, thank goodness.  My boss’s daughter tested COVID positive so now my boss is isolating herself at home, just in case.

He goes to his therapy and I’m not sure what is discussed.  I do know at my therapy I am reminded of what my past year has been like by my therapist.  Has my “boyfriend” changed?  I don’t know.  I will need to know this soon because with all the other things going on in my life, this is just making things worse.  It’s like the whole world is caving in and no one is throwing me a lifeline.  If it was just this one thing…the boyfriend thing…perhaps I’d be better able to handle things.  But right now I’m feeling a bit depressed, so I’m thankful for the appointment with my therapist tomorrow.

Today is another not so great day.  And I don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping.  Maybe I’ll get back to that puzzle.

Katie

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Katie.

Hi Anita,

He and I were communicating this weekend, texting.  Again,  no mention of the past.  Our communication feels very comfortable, although I’m not sure where it’s going.  I mentioned that I woke up with a headache.  He said “I need to give you a penicillin kiss.” This is always something we said to each other when one was hurting…it needed a penicillin kiss.  This affection surprised me.

I’m not looking forward to the holidays.  I think I mentioned that already.  I am looking forward to seeing my son for Thanksgiving; I haven’t seen him since the beginning of October, but feel that I’m going to have a hard time getting through the holiday, and then saying goodbye to him until the Christmas holiday rolls around.  I can’t even think of putting up my tree.  There’s just too many memories. I feel like crawling under a blanket today and sleeping the day away.

I see my therapist tomorrow.  I’m hoping it helps.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I don’t believe that he has wanted to end the relationship because he talked about the future.  Over the course of this year, he also wanted to put our grave stone on the plots, waiting for us.  I told him that was not something I wanted to do.  He also talked about where we would live in retirement.  He adopted a kitten which I found through a friend, and the kitten was coming  over with him on weekends.  He referred  to me as “Mommy” to the kitten.  He said he wished that we were able to have our own biological children together.  He loved being involved with my family, and when I was at his house for the weekend (he lives in the same town as my mom), he would make sure we visited her.  My wake up text from him  was always “Good morning beautiful.”

Our relationship, even through this year of hell, was very connected.  We held hands constantly…when walking, he held my hand while driving, sitting on the sofa, while we slept.  We actually slept in his twin bed together and it was  plenty of room because we were always in a  hug or pretzeled together.  There was constant physical touching of our bodies (I don’t mean sexually).  I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm was hugging me next to him.

He has always been very jealous though. And I  never gave him a reason to be.

He has told me that in the past a therapist has thought he might be bipolar.

I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior this past year.  It seemed like when we were together things were fine. Apart is  when the mental movies would play and then his passive aggressive behavior would kick in (silent treatment…one word answers in text messages).   I thought it wise that he have his own therapy to deal with issues of his childhood that may play a role in his lacking of self-esteem….the constant needing to know if I still love him, if he satisfies me, etc.  He has told me that he  had poor self-esteem in high school.  I did not.  I was always quite confident in myself back then and was not a follower.  He very much was a follower (he’s admitted this).

I simply can’t  believe that for 5 years he hid his true self.  I think something  happened on vacation last summer that was a huge trigger for him.   My daughter was with us and she had a bit too much to drink.  I waited up for her; he told me I looked exhausted, to go to bed, and he would find her.   He found her and she kept trying to jump (swim) in the lake near our condo, which he feared she would drown because she was intoxicated.  His son’s best friend committed suicide while in college, back in 2010.  He felt like he should have recognized something  in this young man and could have  prevented the suicide.  He said this  triggered the feelings of that time period.  That’s when things started to go downhill during vacation.  It was as if he was angry with my daughter and me.  I had no idea about the lake issue until days later.

He  has a lot of stuff in his past; so do I.  I’ve been fortunate to seek out therapy.  Hopefully he will benefit from the therapy.  At this point I just don’t know.   I only know I feel tired and hope for the best; prepare for the worst.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I think the time limit is important because at some point I need not be in limbo and begin to heal.  I’m very emotional, almost daily, and I know that not good for me mentally or physically.

I agree it is unfair how I gave my best to him, and he didn’t appreciate what I gave.  OCD or not, it hurts.  It hurts to give so much love and caring, and, in the end be treated like you are of no value.

Katie