November 19, 2020 at 12:35 pm #369610
I’m not sure I follow you
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 12:56 pm #369612
I suppose I don’t believe that he is telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wasn’t thoroughly thinking when I posted to you last, it was a stream of consciousness post. What went into that stream of thought were things like: maybe he is dating, or on a dating site at the present time.
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 1:29 pm #369616
I don’t think so. At the beginning of this he made sure that it was clarified that we weren’t going to see other people. I think with his OCD, he couldn’t handle the thought of me with someone else. There really would be no point in him not being honest about something like that. And I doubt he would use our picture as his profile picture on his twitter account.
With everything that swirls around in his head, I don’t think there’s room in there for dating. And, because of his OCD and jealousy issues, it was made clear that if we date other people, we could never get back together again.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 1:38 pm #369618
Like I said, it was a stream of consciousness, whatever came to my mind. He’s probably not dating, good point about the photo on his twitter account. On the other hand, the history of his anger at you in the recent year, leads me to distrust him regarding telling you the truth, the whole truth, etc., about topics other than dating (?)
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 1:49 pm #369620
I do think that if we do get back together that I will have trust issues. Trust that he will not behave the way he did this past year; trust that he will be gentle with my heart. We would need couples therapy to establish boundaries, build trust. This past year took it’s toll on me, and I know him too. He tried to explain how his OCD mind works, and it sounds exhausting.
For now, I’m thankful that he is not talking about my past he’s not biting me with his words.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 2:05 pm #369623
I hope he never brings up the past again. I can understand you having trust issues if you get back together with him. I have trust issues about him virtually, just by reading your posts. I sometimes feel angry at him because it is all so unfair to you.
I do admire your patience and dedication to this man, being willing to wait for him, and I know waiting for him has to have a time-limit, beyond which it is unreasonable to wait any longer.
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 4:58 pm #369633
I think the time limit is important because at some point I need not be in limbo and begin to heal. I’m very emotional, almost daily, and I know that not good for me mentally or physically.
I agree it is unfair how I gave my best to him, and he didn’t appreciate what I gave. OCD or not, it hurts. It hurts to give so much love and caring, and, in the end be treated like you are of no value.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 6:55 pm #369635
I agree empathetically: time limit is important because this waiting and hoping and waiting is not good for you mentally and physically. And it is unfair to you- you didn’t do anything wrong to him. Not only did you not do anything wrong to him, you did so much good for him, “so much love and caring”!
I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. I hope you are sleeping restfully at this time, almost 10 pm your time.
anitaNovember 20, 2020 at 5:52 am #369648
I slept well. Sometimes I need meds to help me sleep, and I did last night. This morning in my journal I wrote that I have this deep ache in my chest. Can I actually feel my heart breaking? Today, emotionally, I’m not doing well. So I guess that deep ache can be anxiety. I’m not looking forward to the holidays…too many memories that my mind simply can’t handle. I’m thankful that my son will be home (he lives in Baltimore, MD) because he seems to always know what to say to make me feel better. So, between seeing my therapist on Tuesday, and my son on Wednesday, maybe my mind will be somewhat at ease. Of course, posting here has helped immensely. I’m glad I stumbled upon this site and have had your ear for quite some time. It helps, and I thank you.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 8:37 am #369651
Sometimes, when trying to understand other people, and ourselves, we get stuck in one understanding/ one possibility, placing a person in a box, so to speak, and we no longer consider other possibilities. But often people are complex, not fitting neatly in a box. I re-read your posts from the beginning of your thread, Nov 2, to Nov 10, looking for possibilities outside the box.
Nov 10, you wrote: “The passive aggressive behavior from my boyfriend, as you know, is abusive. And of course, the verbal abuse really shocked me, so much that the first encounter left me literally speechless. I just started at him in disbelief. it was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me. I thought ‘where’s (name)? Who is this?’ It was like he flicked a switch.”-
“Who is this?” You and I understood that the culprit to the trouble in the relationship is his OCD; that what fuels his obsession is his unresolved issues from his school days, 4 decades ago. The reasoning that follows is: if he learns in therapy to address his unresolved issues, and manage his OCD, then all will be well. We have placed him in an OCD box and closed the lid.
But what about that “passive aggressive behavior”: there are plenty of men who are passive aggressive and yet, do not suffer from OCD. Plenty of men who are angry at women, yet do not fit this diagnosis. What if some or much of his anger is about something we did not thoroughly consider, or not consider at all?
For a quarter of a century he was married to a woman who “turned into a party girl and drinker.. cheated on him.. no respect… smoked in the car which made him feel ill. He asked her to stop but she would not.. she never did listen”-
– was he angry thinking that she cheated on him because he couldn’t satisfy her sexually=> angry at all women because he couldn’t satisfy them sexually? You wrote: “He would often want to know if he satisfies me sexually, constantly wanting reassurance”. We talked about this possibility earlier, and you wrote: “I never really thought about his ex wife cheating being projected onto me. That’s interesting”- more than just interesting?
“My boyfriend’s jealousy about my past has been over this past year since around last summer”- did he want to break up with you last summer because he changed his mind and was no longer interested in the “forever till the end” vision the two of you shared?
Feeling embarrassed perhaps for changing his mind, he blamed you for his change of heart and pointed the finger of blame at you, at your past. After all, “he has known for years that I lost my virginity in high school”- but it didn’t bother him, didn’t stop him from buying those two burial plots for him and you. You wrote: “he plays the victim role well”, meaning he doesn’t want to take responsibility over his thoughts and feelings, instead, he blames others for his feelings/ change in feelings, it’s the other person’s fault.
What if his focus on that one guy in high school is not a random intrusive thought/ an obsession, what if it is an excuse for him to terminate the relationship?
“At a time when we should be looking forward to retirement and life together, he’s dwelling on high school, to the point where he’s become verbally abusive. This has all peaked this past year”- while you were sure that he is your “forever till the end”, while you were looking forward to retirement and life together”- he may have changed his mind this past year, maybe he had doubts before this past year.
* If he wanted out, why didn’t he end the relationship then, why the limbo (“I’m not sure where we stand.. limbo”)?
– Maybe because he is not a direct person. After all, you characterized him yourself: “He is passive aggressive”-
– passive as in not telling you that he wants to break up, aggressive- as in .. having already broken up with you, in practical ways.
Why tell you that he misses you.. why keep a photo of the two of you on his twitter account?-
– “His therapist.. said he’s too angry with me.. that he should not see me for a while, and not contact me too often because he is so angry with me”- think of the nature of emotions, it is to motivate animals, humans included, to particular actions: fear motivates an animal to run away, anger motivates an animal to attack another animal, to hurt and harm another.
How deep is his anger, is it deep enough for him to keep you in this limbo on purpose, so to hurt you?
“He claims he’s loved me since 6th grade”- did he really, or is this something he claims, your word? What else may he be claiming that may not be true?
“I just stared at him in disbelief. It was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me.. Who is this?”- maybe he is “someone (you) didn’t know”, maybe you projected into him what you needed him to be; maybe you are yet to know who he really is.
anitaNovember 20, 2020 at 10:24 am #369655
I don’t believe that he has wanted to end the relationship because he talked about the future. Over the course of this year, he also wanted to put our grave stone on the plots, waiting for us. I told him that was not something I wanted to do. He also talked about where we would live in retirement. He adopted a kitten which I found through a friend, and the kitten was coming over with him on weekends. He referred to me as “Mommy” to the kitten. He said he wished that we were able to have our own biological children together. He loved being involved with my family, and when I was at his house for the weekend (he lives in the same town as my mom), he would make sure we visited her. My wake up text from him was always “Good morning beautiful.”
Our relationship, even through this year of hell, was very connected. We held hands constantly…when walking, he held my hand while driving, sitting on the sofa, while we slept. We actually slept in his twin bed together and it was plenty of room because we were always in a hug or pretzeled together. There was constant physical touching of our bodies (I don’t mean sexually). I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm was hugging me next to him.
He has always been very jealous though. And I never gave him a reason to be.
He has told me that in the past a therapist has thought he might be bipolar.
I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior this past year. It seemed like when we were together things were fine. Apart is when the mental movies would play and then his passive aggressive behavior would kick in (silent treatment…one word answers in text messages). I thought it wise that he have his own therapy to deal with issues of his childhood that may play a role in his lacking of self-esteem….the constant needing to know if I still love him, if he satisfies me, etc. He has told me that he had poor self-esteem in high school. I did not. I was always quite confident in myself back then and was not a follower. He very much was a follower (he’s admitted this).
I simply can’t believe that for 5 years he hid his true self. I think something happened on vacation last summer that was a huge trigger for him. My daughter was with us and she had a bit too much to drink. I waited up for her; he told me I looked exhausted, to go to bed, and he would find her. He found her and she kept trying to jump (swim) in the lake near our condo, which he feared she would drown because she was intoxicated. His son’s best friend committed suicide while in college, back in 2010. He felt like he should have recognized something in this young man and could have prevented the suicide. He said this triggered the feelings of that time period. That’s when things started to go downhill during vacation. It was as if he was angry with my daughter and me. I had no idea about the lake issue until days later.
He has a lot of stuff in his past; so do I. I’ve been fortunate to seek out therapy. Hopefully he will benefit from the therapy. At this point I just don’t know. I only know I feel tired and hope for the best; prepare for the worst.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 11:34 am #369659
Nov 6: “this past year he’s been Jekyll/ Hyde, to the point where I could have spoken with him at lunchtime and then 4 hours later he’s angry at me”.
Nov 10: “The verbal abuse really shocked me.. I just stared at him in disbelief. It was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me. I thought ‘where’s (name)? Who is this’? It was like he flicked a switch“.
Nov 20: “He has told me that in the past a therapist has thought he might be bipolar“.
Wikipedia, on bipolar disorder: “Late adolescence and early adulthood are peak years for the onset of bipolar disorder. The condition is characterized by intermittent episodes of mania or depression, with an absence of symptoms in between… Mania can present with varying levels of mood disturbances, ranging from euphoria (“the experience of pleasure or excitement and intense feelings of well-being”).. to dysphoria (“a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction”) and irritability.. Hypomania is the milder form of mania.. does not cause a significant decrease in the individual’s ability to socialize or work, lacks psychotic features such as delusions or hallucinations, and does not require psychiatric hospitalization… Some people who experience hypomania show increased creativity while others are irritable or demonstrate poor judgment… Bipolar people who experience hypomania tend to forget the effects of their actions on those around them…
“The diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be complicated by coexisting (comorbid) psychiatric conditions including obsessive compulsive disorder… A thorough longitudinal analysis of symptoms and episodes, assisted if possible by discussions with friends and family members, is crucial to establishing a treatment plan where these comorbidities exist”.
anitaNovember 20, 2020 at 12:54 pm #369674
I’m not sure what he would be diagnosed with if he were to meet with a psychiatrist. I know he has told me his mother was diagnosed with depression (she passed away when he was 24), and his sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Whatever the case may be, he was definitely jekyll/hyde. I thought that was related to the OCD (depending on where his mind was focused at the time).
Like I said, physically together things were ok, although he did have the jealousy issue. Apart was when I experienced his passive aggressiveness and OCD movies.
I know my mind and body can’t take this for an extended period of time. There needs to be a plan in place as to where our relationship is going, or not going at all.
Tonight I will be jigsaw puzzling. It keeps me focused without thought. I’m trying to find Meetup groups in my area (not for dating) just to find new people to interact with. I know it’s a difficult task with COVID.
Thank you for all your help with this. I need all the help I can get at this point.
KatieNovember 20, 2020 at 1:35 pm #369676
You are welcome.
“he was definitely jekyl/ hyde- if you reunite with him, you will be reuniting with Jekyll and with Hyde.
“his mother was diagnosed with depression.. his sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder”- his home was sickening enough to lead to his sister’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder. His home sickened him too.
“physically together things were ok, although he did have the jealousy issue. Apart was when I experienced his passive aggressiveness and OCD movies”- physically together with you, he was relatively calm; physically apart, he felt abandoned by you, so he got angry: angry at you for abandoning him, is my understanding.
He is not a well man, his mental issues are understandable, given his home of origin. His mental issues have a long, long history and are very, very unlikely to be resolved without him putting all of himself into therapy, massively.
What do you know.. I got to know him better today. Jigsaw puzzles, yes, I remember those, it’s been a long time.
November 23, 2020 at 9:48 am #369762
- This reply was modified 5 days, 4 hours ago by anita.
He and I were communicating this weekend, texting. Again, no mention of the past. Our communication feels very comfortable, although I’m not sure where it’s going. I mentioned that I woke up with a headache. He said “I need to give you a penicillin kiss.” This is always something we said to each other when one was hurting…it needed a penicillin kiss. This affection surprised me.
I’m not looking forward to the holidays. I think I mentioned that already. I am looking forward to seeing my son for Thanksgiving; I haven’t seen him since the beginning of October, but feel that I’m going to have a hard time getting through the holiday, and then saying goodbye to him until the Christmas holiday rolls around. I can’t even think of putting up my tree. There’s just too many memories. I feel like crawling under a blanket today and sleeping the day away.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I’m hoping it helps.