Dear Katie:

I suppose I don’t believe that he is telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I wasn’t thoroughly thinking when I posted to you  last, it was a stream of consciousness post. What went into that stream of thought were things like: maybe he is dating, or on a dating site at the present time.

anita

Dear Katie:

Like I said, it was a stream of consciousness, whatever came to my mind. He’s probably not dating, good point about the photo on his twitter account. On the other hand, the history of his anger at you in the recent year, leads me to distrust him regarding telling you the truth, the whole truth, etc., about topics other than dating (?)

anita

Dear Katie:

I hope he never brings up the past again. I can understand you having trust issues if you get back together with him. I have trust issues about him virtually, just by reading your posts. I sometimes feel angry at him because it is all so unfair to you.

I do admire your patience and dedication to this man, being willing to wait for him, and I know waiting for him has to have a time-limit, beyond which it is unreasonable to wait any longer.

anita

Dear Katie:

I agree empathetically: time limit is important because this waiting and hoping and waiting is not good for you mentally and physically. And it is unfair to you- you didn’t do anything wrong to him. Not only did you not do anything wrong to him, you did so much good for him, “so much love and caring”!

I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. I hope you are sleeping restfully at this time, almost 10 pm your time.

anita

Dear Katie:

Sometimes, when trying to understand other people, and ourselves, we get stuck in one understanding/ one possibility, placing a person in a box, so to speak, and we no longer consider other possibilities. But often people are complex, not fitting neatly in a box. I re-read your posts from the beginning of your thread, Nov 2, to Nov 10, looking for possibilities outside the box.

Nov 10, you wrote: “The passive aggressive behavior from my boyfriend, as you know, is abusive. And of course, the verbal abuse really shocked me, so much that the first encounter left me literally speechless. I just started at him in disbelief. it was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me. I thought ‘where’s (name)? Who is this?’ It was like he flicked a switch.”-

“Who  is this?” You and I understood that the culprit to the trouble in the relationship is his OCD; that what fuels his obsession is his unresolved issues from his school days, 4 decades ago. The reasoning that follows is: if he learns in therapy to address his unresolved issues,  and manage his OCD, then all will be well.  We have placed him in an OCD box and closed the lid.

But what about that “passive aggressive behavior”:  there are plenty of men who are passive aggressive and yet, do not suffer from OCD. Plenty of men who are angry at women, yet do not fit this diagnosis. What if some or much of his anger is about something we did not thoroughly consider, or not consider at all?

For a quarter of a century he was married to a woman who “turned into a party girl and drinker.. cheated on him.. no respect… smoked in the car which made him feel ill. He asked her to stop but she would not.. she never did listen”-

– was he angry thinking that she cheated on him because he couldn’t satisfy her sexually=> angry at all women because he couldn’t satisfy them sexually? You wrote: “He would often want to know if he satisfies me sexually, constantly wanting reassurance”. We talked about this possibility earlier, and you wrote: “I never really thought about his ex wife cheating being projected onto me. That’s interesting”- more than just interesting?

“My boyfriend’s jealousy about my past has been over this past year since around last summer”- did he want to break up with you last summer because he changed his  mind and was no longer interested in the “forever till the end” vision the two of you shared?

Feeling embarrassed perhaps for changing his mind, he blamed you for his change of heart and pointed the finger of blame at you, at your past. After all, “he has known for years that I lost my virginity in high school”- but it didn’t bother him, didn’t stop him from buying those two burial plots for him and you. You wrote: “he plays the victim role well”, meaning he doesn’t want to take responsibility over his thoughts and feelings, instead, he blames others for his feelings/ change in feelings, it’s the other person’s fault.

What if his focus on that one guy in high school is not a random intrusive thought/ an obsession, what if it is an excuse for him to terminate the relationship?

“At a time when we should be looking forward to retirement and life together, he’s dwelling on high school, to the point where he’s become verbally abusive. This has all peaked this past year”- while you were sure that he is your “forever till the end”, while you were looking forward to retirement and life together”- he may have changed his mind this past year, maybe he had doubts before this past year.

* If he wanted out, why didn’t he end the relationship then, why the limbo (“I’m not sure where we stand.. limbo”)?

– Maybe because he is not a direct person. After all, you characterized  him yourself: “He is passive aggressive”-

– passive as in not telling you that he wants to break up, aggressive- as in .. having already broken up with you, in practical ways.

Why tell you that he misses you.. why keep a photo of the two of you on his twitter account?-

– “His therapist.. said he’s too angry with me.. that he should not see me for a while, and not  contact me too often because he is so angry with me”- think of the nature of emotions, it is to motivate animals, humans included, to particular actions: fear motivates an animal to run away, anger motivates an animal to attack another animal, to hurt and harm another.

How deep is his anger, is it deep enough for him to keep you in this limbo on purpose, so to hurt you?

“He claims he’s loved me since 6th grade”- did he really, or is this something he claims, your word? What else may he be claiming that may not be true?

“I just stared at him in disbelief. It was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me.. Who is this?”- maybe he is “someone (you) didn’t know”, maybe you projected into him what you needed him to be; maybe you are yet to know who he really is.

anita

Dear Katie:

Nov 6: “this past year he’s been Jekyll/ Hyde, to the point where I could have spoken with him at lunchtime and then 4 hours later he’s angry at me”.

Nov 10: “The verbal abuse really shocked me.. I just stared at him in disbelief. It was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me. I thought ‘where’s (name)? Who is this’? It was like he flicked a switch“.

Nov 20: “He has told me that in the past a therapist has thought he might be bipolar“.

Wikipedia, on bipolar disorder: “Late adolescence and early adulthood are peak years for the onset of bipolar disorder. The condition is characterized by intermittent episodes of mania or depression, with an absence of symptoms in between… Mania can present with varying levels of mood disturbances, ranging from euphoria (“the experience of pleasure or excitement and intense feelings of well-being”).. to dysphoria (“a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction”) and irritability.. Hypomania is the milder form of mania.. does not cause a significant decrease in the individual’s ability to socialize or work, lacks psychotic features such as delusions or hallucinations, and does not require psychiatric hospitalization… Some people who experience hypomania show increased creativity while others are irritable or demonstrate poor judgment… Bipolar people who experience hypomania tend to forget the effects of their actions on those around them…

“The diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be complicated by coexisting (comorbid) psychiatric  conditions including obsessive compulsive disorder… A thorough longitudinal analysis of symptoms and episodes, assisted if possible by discussions with friends and family members, is crucial to establishing a treatment plan where these comorbidities exist”.

anita

Dear Katie:

You are welcome.

“he was definitely jekyl/ hyde- if you reunite with him, you will be reuniting with Jekyll and with Hyde.

“his mother was diagnosed with depression.. his sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder”- his home was sickening enough to lead to his sister’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder. His home sickened him too.

“physically together things were ok, although he did have the jealousy issue. Apart was when I experienced his passive aggressiveness and OCD movies”- physically together with you, he was relatively calm; physically apart, he felt abandoned by you, so he got angry: angry at you for abandoning him, is my understanding.

He is not a well man, his mental issues are understandable, given his home of origin. His mental issues have a long, long history and are very, very unlikely to be resolved without him putting all of himself into therapy,  massively.

What do you know.. I got to know him better today. Jigsaw puzzles, yes, I remember those, it’s been a long time.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .