November 16, 2020 at 9:51 am #369399
You are welcome. I wouldn’t get a dog because although the dog may motivate her, it may not, and if not, you will have another burden in your life, another thing to take care of, worry about.. another problem to resolve. Better prevent additional problems and difficulties in your life.
Regarding her dread about making the phone call to the animal shelter, asking about a volunteer or an employment position- I suggest that you drive her to the animal shelter to apply there in-person. If you have to take time off from the hospital to do so, arrange for it and drive her there.
Otherwise, she may never make that dreaded call (I can relate to that dread, by the way).
anitaNovember 16, 2020 at 10:20 am #369401
That’s what I was thinking about the dog as well, which is where the fostering would come into play. If for some reason it was too much, the dog could be returned, as it would not be “owned” by her.
I will work with your suggestions.
I wish she would agree to some type of group therapy. She’s turned off because of the IOP’s and PHP programs she was in, but that’s not the same as group therapy. I was in group therapy with other abused women and it helped to make me realize I’m not alone; not the only one going through the issues I had. We laughed together; we cried together.
Thank you again,
KatieNovember 16, 2020 at 10:46 am #369412
You are welcome. Your thinking about the dog makes sense to me.
You shared that group therapy was useful for you, but your daughter was turned off to it because of her experience with IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program, used primarily to treat eating disorders, bipolar disorder, depression, self harm and chemical dependency), and with her PHP experience (Partial Hospitalization Program, used to treat among other things, PTSD, drug and alcohol abuse and addictions).
Did she tell you specifically what about her IOP and PHP experience turned her off to the concept of group therapy?
anitaNovember 16, 2020 at 12:16 pm #369422
She was not thrilled with the programs at all at one of the facilities, which I agreed with her about this. They were not very helpful and actually were sarcastic with her at times. The other facility I felt she could get more out of, but she was so tired of telling her story over and over again. She doesn’t like to relive the abuse, still to this day. When she goes to a new psychiatrist she always says, “do I have to tell my story again?” I say they certainly need to know where she’s come from.
I even brought up at one time Alanon, to see if she could perhaps hear others stories about what they have lived. She doesn’t have to share if she doesn’t want to.
She feels she does best with one on one therapy. I wish she would change her mind, but I can’t force her into it.
I feel like she wasting her life away. Since she turned 21 and has been able to drink alcohol, she doesn’t drink often but when she does it’s usually binging…she’ll be up from 8 pm to sometimes the following day in the afternoon. She says she spaces the drinking out; doesn’t consume a lot in a few hours. I’ve been talking with her about this because I am very uncomfortable with her drinking due to her father’s alcoholism. She confessed to me the other day that she drinks because it makes her feel “light hearted” and “relaxed.” She misses my boyfriend; she had him take the place of her dad, which she shouldn’t have. Now she cries that she misses him and “why did he have to behave the way he did.” I explained to her that anyone I date she should not get attached to. There was no marriage involved and we both were free to leave the relationship whenever we wanted to. I should be the one hurting, not her. But still, she is hurting.
I’ll try talking about group therapy again. But I think even just getting out into the world, whether it be volunteering or working, will help her a lot.
KatieNovember 16, 2020 at 12:35 pm #369425
I wouldn’t suggest to her to attend group therapy or support groups anymore if I was you, because she has a strong negative emotion attached to the idea, and the distress of attending such groups, even if she is told that she doesn’t have to tell her story yet again, might be somewhat traumatic in itself.
If she is told that she doesn’t have to share in an Alanon setting, for example, she may still think that she is expected to share, and feel pressured to share, because others share, and.. how long will she get away with not sharing, might be her thinking.
“She feels she does best with one on one therapy”- good enough, lots of healing can be done in one on one therapy.
Regarding her drinking, you wrote: “She confessed to me the other day that she drinks because it makes her feel ‘light hearted’ and relaxed'”- that’s a powerful and welcomed experience, for the very anxious, to feel light-hearted and relaxed.
If she can drink responsibly and in moderation, maybe you can have a glass of wine with her sometimes, after you return from work maybe, make it a down time for the two of you, see how it goes- if you are comfortable with this kind of experimentation (?)
anitaNovember 17, 2020 at 9:47 am #369471
I would agree that I should not pressure with the group therapy. Just because it worked for me doesn’t mean it works for everyone, and my daughter does tell me this.
I would love her to drink responsibly and in moderation. This is the issue that I have with her. Sometimes when she drinks, she makes poor decisions, like to drink more. I have talked with her about having perhaps a glass of wine in the evening just to relax herself, but she doesn’t like wine, although I don’t think that she has tried many wines. I stopped drinking about 6 years ago, simply because I chose not to. But having a glass of wine now and then certainly wouldn’t be a big deal for me. My daughter drinks the Four Loko cans, which I could never stomach and I think one can is way too much alcohol. She drinks one, maybe 2 cans at home.
She doesn’t drink as much as she used to. I recall seeing her fall down drunk and having to help her stand. I cannot tell you how that makes you feel as a parent, especially one that was married to an alcoholic. I fear for her that she may become her father.
So, my life is pretty messy right now. This morning I though to myself “Who would take care of me if I get sick?” I work in a hospital where COVID is surging, and the thought just came to my mind. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt that I should have someone to lean on, as I have let so many lean on me.
Thanks for the vent!
KatieNovember 17, 2020 at 12:05 pm #369490
You are welcome to vent anytime. Your daughter is fortunate to have you as her mother at this time because you are understanding of her, sensitive to her needs, considering and respecting her point of view/ her subjective experience, and like you said, you are doing your best to do the rock that she needs. I am impressed!
I understand you being tired and wishing you had someone taking care of you, for a change.
In the hospital where you work, do you come in any contact with Covid patients? Do you their ages, how old most are, etc.?
anitaNovember 17, 2020 at 1:49 pm #369507
Thank you for acknowledging my impressiveness, but many times I am a mess, mostly with just me and my cat. And my therapist has helped wipe my tears with his words. Reminding me of who I am, and what I went through to get here.
I’m not on the front lines like the doctors, nurses, techs, unit secretary, but I do occasionally go the the patient floors to provide a patient with activities to keep them busy during their stay. I deliver these to the nurses station (we aren’t allowed in patient rooms at this time), and if it’s a COVID unit, I leave the delivery in the lounge area outside the unit. And at this point just about every unit is a COVID unit, except maternity. Still, you never know who you’re passing by in the hallway. We’re all masked and socially distanced, but not a comfortable feeling.
Unfortunately, most of the COVID patients are elderly (over 70). When a code for respiratory or medical emergency is called, it breaks my heart. For some reason I feel for those I don’t even know…empathy.
As I write this my cat is laying next to me; touching my leg of course. He has become my little one to lean on. He knows when I’m upset and if he sees the tears sniffs my face.
Today has just been a not so good day for me.
KatieNovember 17, 2020 at 2:21 pm #369511
You are welcome, I am glad to notice and acknowledge your impressiveness. Your description of your workplace and what you observe there makes me feel more so, that this is real, a sad reality. You wrote that you are no on the front lines, but reads to me that you are right there, on the front lines, one of the Pandemic Heroes, as I refer to front liners.
I smile as I imagine your cat sniffing your teary face. It is not your tears that make me smile, it’s your cat attending to your tears- it is so very helpful when there is someone there to attend to our fears and tears. It is now 5:20 pm your time, maybe your evening will be better than your day.
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 10:12 am #369600
I haven’t heard from my “boyfriend” since Sunday. He was very chatty over the weekend. He’s working overtime a lot during the week and then with taking care of the cat and all his house stuff, he’s overwhelmed. He still has weekly therapy.
Of interest was he said to me on Sunday that he joined Twitter (keeping up on political stuff), and used our picture as his profile picture. It was a nice picture of us on the beach. It made me realize in his mind we’re still together.
I have therapy this Tuesday and will be talking to my therapist about how to move forward. Limbo is not a great place to be in, but I recall my therapist telling me to give him this time to work on his issues.
I have good days and bad days. But the bad days are really bad….sobbing bad. I don’t like that. I tried to give myself a pep talk today and say “this past year I’ve been tormented; I didn’t deserve that. I don’t want that.” The thing is, this would be so much easier if this break was occurring not during the holidays. All those memories of putting up Christmas trees, ornaments, music…. it all makes me sad. I don’t even want to walk through the stores and see all the holiday stuff. Thank goodness for face masks. I can cry without anyone noticing.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 10:36 am #369602
I am glad to put quotation marks around boyfriend, it’s more accurate.
“I recall my therapist telling me to give him this time to work on his issues”- Did your therapist tell you how much time to give him to work on his issues, and how you should manage this torment of waiting for him to successfully work on his issues?
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 10:59 am #369603
He said it would take probably months due to his OCD and the fact that my therapist feels this goes deeper than issues he has with me. He totally left it up to me as to how long I want to wait it out. He did say at some point we should meet with a therapist together, but didn’t think that was anytime soon.
It really is totally up to me as to how long I wait. I could break it off completely and move on. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 11:25 am #369606
You are waiting, willing to suffer waiting because you anticipate a reward at the end of the waiting: the return of a relationship that used to be, and the return of the dreams that used to be: the two of you sitting on your porch, drinking coffee, getting old together.
anitaNovember 19, 2020 at 12:12 pm #369608
You are exactly right. I long for what we had. But I do know that going back with him will be back to a different relationship with boundaries in place.
I wish I had a crystal ball and all the answers. I just can’t imagine having with someone else we he and I had before this past year. It seemed like a once in a lifetime relationship that few were lucky to find.
I try to be patient with myself also. I sometimes tell myself I don’t have to make any decisions today. Today can just be today.
KatieNovember 19, 2020 at 12:24 pm #369609
“It seemed like a once in a lifetime relationship that few were lucky to find”- and then, the luck was gone. You are not lucky now, in regard to this man.
“I wish I had a crystal ball and all the answers”- if only.. a crystal ball. Interesting, it just occurred to me as I typed these words that a private detective can be your crystal ball. Not that I am suggesting that you hire one, but if you hired a good private detective, you would get a lot of answers.
Coming to think about it, maybe there is some work you can do so to get some answers, using public records.