Home→Forums→Relationships→I thought he was my forever til the end
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November 14, 2020 at 12:29 pm #369321
AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I will be away from the computer. Feel free to add posts while I am gone. I will respond to your recent post and to any that you may add, in about six hours from now.
anita
November 14, 2020 at 8:21 pm #369333AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I will be back to you in about 11 hours from now.
anita
November 15, 2020 at 7:53 am #369345AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
“If he is being honest with his therapist, I cannot believe that she would think that it would not be good for him to have me in his life. Because that to me would mean she’s telling him to just continue to live with his OCD and not try to break his cycle”-
– if she is a good therapist, then her goal is that he will feel comfortable with her, and that he will feel somewhat better after each session, and so, be motivated to attend the next session, and the next.
Let’s say she knows very well two things: that he’s been very troubled by your past and that he suffers from OCD. She doesn’t know if you are the right woman for him because it is possible for a man to suffer from OCD and be in a relationship with the wrong woman.
She works for him, not for you. Her goal is to improve his mental health, not to resurrect a relationship with you. Therefore, she will not invalidate his emotional experience (ex., tell him that you did nothing wrong to him, that he shouldn’t be angry at you, etc.), she will not tell him that she knows what’s best for him, instead, she will allow him to express himself, repeat to him what he tells her and reframe it so to make him feel empowered (ex, tell him something like: you suffered terribly during those months in the relationship, so you did the right thing for yourself- you stopped that terrible suffering by breaking up with her. Clearly, you are able to take care of yourself).
You wrote that you don’t believe that she will think that it is a good idea for him to not have you in his life, because that would mean “she’s telling him to just continue to live with his OCD and not try to break his cycle”- again, she doesn’t know you and it is not a couple therapy setting, she is working for him, not for you and not for the relationship. Again, if she is a good therapist, she will address his OCD, but she will not suggest to him that he needs to address his OCD while in a relationship with you. Like I suggested before, she doesn’t know if you are good for him.
I know that you are hopeful, and that such input by me may spoil your hoping, but from personal experience, I know that the more we consider options and see reality as it is- the less we suffer. And I do want you to not suffer unecessarily.
anita
November 15, 2020 at 9:39 am #369347
KatieParticipantHi Anita,
I understand that this is his therapy and not couples therapy. When I mentioned to him that we should take a break and he should go to therapy, I thought it best he deal with his issues, as I felt they had nothing to do with me. This guy from high school he had a friendship with which went bad, and made him hate this guy. He refers to this guy as a “scumbag” which is why I find it hard for him to accept that the guy was the cause of my trauma. Also, the therapist he saw at the end of last year did tell him this was his issue and had nothing to do with me.
My therapist had suggested that my boyfriend have his own therapy, because he needed to realize that the issues he was having went far beyond my high school experience. That there was something that occurred well before he was 13 (when he first saw me). Something hidden deep that needed to be brought to the surface. I just happen to be the one that he’s projecting his issues onto.
If the time comes when we are both feeling that the relationship should begin again, I would want to have couples therapy. I can’t blindly go back into something without having therapy to make certain we understand what our boundaries are and needs are. I feel safer doing this therapeutically. I would have no issue seeing his therapist as a couple, since she also does couples therapy.
I am hopeful but remain cautious. He did text me this morning. He said in hospitals when a COVID patient is discharged the song “Here Comes the Sun” is played (which I knew since I work in a hospital). He said when the song played on tv, the sun shone through his window onto his face. He said “it felt like a sign.” I didn’t ask “a sign of what” but perhaps he’s feeling better about life. Who knows if that’s with or without me. But, again, no mention of the past.
Thank you for your support~
Katie
November 15, 2020 at 10:56 am #369350AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
He will need to express to you at some point that he fully understands that his troubles regarding your past have nothing to do with your past, but with his past. And when he acknowledges this, he should genuinely apologize to you and proceed to be the one paying for the couple therapy to follow, that’s the responsible way to go about it. Do you agree?
anita
November 15, 2020 at 11:09 am #369352KatieParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I agree. He needs to acknowledge that he understands that my past has nothing to do with his past; we were no together until years ago. He should apologize for his behavior…agreed. I believe he would pay for couples therapy, as I’m sure he would want to meet with the therapist he is seeing now. That would be the responsible way to go.
Katie
November 15, 2020 at 11:24 am #369353AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I am glad we are on the same page. I bet it will mean a whole lot to you if and when you and him are on the same page. I wish it will happen, and sooner than later.
anita
November 16, 2020 at 4:21 am #369379KatieParticipantHi Anita,
Eventually he and I will have to have that meeting, and that he will agree with couples therapy. I am hopeful that it will be a step forward in our relationship. I know that the therapy will either make our relationship stronger, or realize he’s not willing to make changes in his past behavior. Then I will know it’s time to move on.
Thank you for all the advice.
Katie
November 16, 2020 at 7:31 am #369390AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
You are welcome. You are a patient woman, very patient with this man, but your patience is not pain-free- you often suffer as you wait for him.
This is why your patience and waiting should be time- limited. (If it was possible for you/ a woman in your situation, to wait without the accompanying anxiety and suffering, that would be a different case).
anita
November 16, 2020 at 8:01 am #369392KatieParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, I have been told before that I am a patient women, actually a patient person. But you are correct, my patience does cause anxiety, some days more so than others. Between my daughter’s PTSD and this with my boyfriend, some days it’s hard to get out of bed. I’ve always said, “I just want ‘normal’.” Because this is far from it.
Katie
November 16, 2020 at 8:22 am #369393AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
You repeatedly refer to him as your boyfriend (“my boyfriend”)- is this accurate to say that he is your boyfriend?
“Between my daughter’s PTSD”- how does her PTSD express itself, in your daily life? (Feel free to not answer this question, if you want us to focus on this man).
anita
November 16, 2020 at 8:57 am #369394KatieParticipantHi Anita,
I guess after 6 years and what we are calling “a break – not seeing other people” I still consider him my boyfriend. I will refer to him as my boyfriend until we “break up.” I’m not sure what else I can refer to him as at this point.
My daughter’s PTSD has many triggers. It’s almost like she was in combat in her home, much as a soldier in war. We lived in fear.
She finds it hard to get out of bed daily; I need to kind of get her going. She still has nightmares related to her father’s abuse, and has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic, PTSD. She has a hard time functioning as a normal 22 year old young woman. This gives me anxiety, knowing she’s floundering, and also stresses me out a bit. She has avoidance issues which do not work in her favor. Just making a simple phone call is anxiety producing to her. She’s working on this with the help of her therapist. She’s been in therapy since 2010 (not with the same therapist), but we finally found a therapist that diagnosed her with PTSD, and she’s been medicated with Effexor, which helped a lot. At the beginning of her journey, she started off with anxiety, panic attacks which lead to school avoidance, depression, she did self-harm (cutting) but I don’t believe she does that any longer. I am in the process of getting a light box for her because she mentioned she tends to get depressed with the change of time (getting dark earlier). Her therapist will work with her on how to use the box.
It can be quite exhausting for me at times. And with everything going on with my relationship, I’m emotionally drained.
I didn’t want to turn this into an issue with my daughter, but thank you for allowing me to vent.
Katie
November 16, 2020 at 8:59 am #369395KatieParticipantAnd if you have anything to offer with regard to her, please feel free…Katie
November 16, 2020 at 9:20 am #369396AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I can relate somewhat to your daughter because I too grew up in what I refer to as a war zone- parental abuse and violence, that is, and I suffered for many years afterwards, having adequately healed only recently (more healing to come), following my first quality psychotherapy in 2011.
This is what I recommend for your daughter: she needs Routine, more than anything. She needs a daily structure to her day that she can expect and rely on. As the weeks and months of the same routine proceed, she will feel safer and safer within her established routine.
Suggestions for her Routine: maybe start the day with a guided meditation. My therapist at the time started me with the Mark William’s mindful meditation series (it is available online, for free, I think). There has to be aerobic exercise, like fast walking within the daily routine (outdoors or on a treadmill, at least 20 minutes per walk). Other activities to place within the daily routine: studying (if she is a student), reading (helpful literature, self help perhaps, something recommended by her therapist), a shower or a bath, a yoga practice perhaps.. start with an easier to follow routine, nothing overwhelming, establish that easier routine for a long time before (and if) more is added.
anita
November 16, 2020 at 9:37 am #369397KatieParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your suggestion. I have been talking with my daughter about routine. Unfortunately, I am at work until around 3 and she doesn’t get going until I get home. Which is fine if that’s they way her body works. Some people work 2nd shift and night shift for this reason.
She was going to the library to get her Vet Tech Certification, but with the libraries closed, she finds it hard to focus at home to get her work done. I have talked with her about exercise and have asked her to walk with me. I was big on the treadmill, but at this point outside walking clears my head. I have been trying to get her to start volunteering again at a cat shelter. She said this week she will contact them. That would be a routine. She also is going to contact, hopefully, an animal shelter that contacted her about a job. But she would need to make the dreaded phone call. It’s amazing how something so simple to me is so anxiety producing to her.
I will try to get her routine going with the exercise, studying, and volunteering/working. She actually thought having a dog would motivate her to get out of bed. We have a cat, but he is very self sufficient after I feed him and clean the litter in the morning. A dog needs much more attention. I’m on the fence about this. I thought perhaps the organization she volunteers through or if she get employed at the shelter she can ask about fostering, which would not be a life-long commitment.
Katie
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