November 6, 2020 at 10:43 am #368731
You are welcome. You can’t re-write your life story so to present him with a script that will please him. You were not born into this world so to fit the expectations of this one boy, so frustrated in high school. You want the two of you to make life better for each other; he wants to own you, in life and in death. It is as if, for him, you are a two dimensional character that changes, in his mind, from good and pure to bad and contaminated.
It is a terrible idea for you, to reunite with him somehow and exist on his two dimensional setting: sometimes good-and-pure, and therefore loved, and at other times, bad and contaminated, and therefore hated.. while all along the “good” and the “bad” that he suggests exists about you- is nothing that you are, or that you do- it is a collection of imagined or real random, irrelevant details from decades ago.
“I thought he was my forever till the end” is the title of your thread. By “the end” you meant death.. well, the end may be different, it may be you giving up on what you thought was your forever, realizing that the kind of forever he offers you is.. a kind of forever that you don’t want, not for a moment more, and definitely not for a forever.
November 7, 2020 at 4:01 am #368750
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you. That does sum it up. He and I always thought we came full circle…him knowing way back when that he wanted to be with me, and us ending up together nearing our retirement years. But, I guess full circle has a different meaning now. His anger back then, and his anger now.
And, after all is said and done, I miss him, the him I knew before this last year of judgment.
KatieNovember 7, 2020 at 9:29 am #368760
You summed it up perfectly yourself, the “full circle” being not a circle of his love (he loved you then; he loves you now), but a circle of his anger: “His anger back then, and his anger now”.
For as long as he doesn’t come to you and say something like: I was so very wrong, I was quite insane… I understand now… and then proceeds to tell you what he understands now and what he misunderstood this last year, and then does not change his new understanding over a month or two.. unless that happens, the “him (you) knew this last year of judgment” is gone.
You are an intelligent, sane and good woman; please don’t give up who you are so to suit who, or more accurately, what he wants you to be- he will never be satisfied and you will be hurting yourself more and more.
anitaNovember 7, 2020 at 12:31 pm #368764
It would be nice, but I would be completely surprised if he said he was wrong/insane and understands now that my past does not make a difference in our relationship; that he would like to get back to focus on us now in the present. He plays the victim role very well.
I’m trying to move forward but it’s very hard. My ex-husband I had no problem leaving, because I fell out of love with him long before the marriage ended, and it was actually a relief when he died. I don’t mean to sound like a horrible person, but when you’re abused by someone so terribly, knowing that they can no longer try to torment you is a relief. I did feel for my children, but they were also tormented by him, but struggled with closure.
My boyfriend I love very much. At this moment I hope to hold onto the bad, not focus on the good, to keep myself sane. Not easy.
November 7, 2020 at 1:08 pm #368767
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Katie.
“He plays the victim role very well”- he plays a role, he is not living life authentically. If you live with him, to minimize conflict/ get along/ enjoy his hand in yours once in a while, you will have to play a role as well. And you may not play your role as well as he plays his role, which means that you mental health will deteriorate within the relationship, while his mental health will stay the same.
I understand you feeling a relief when your abusive ex husband died, it doesn’t sound like you are a horrible person, not at all- it is natural to feel relieved when abuse stops.
“I hope to hold onto the bad, not focus on the good, to keep myself safe. Not easy”- hold on to what is real, and as I see it, having taken in the images you presented, he is not a good option for you, not at all. For as long as you want, I am here for you, post any time and I will reply.
I will soon be away and back in about 6 hours from now.
anitaNovember 8, 2020 at 4:35 am #368784
I guess in his mind he lives in the past more than the present. He even talked about people from high school and things that happened in high school. He’d say, “Do you remember when so and so did….” I couldn’t remember the person or the incident. I’ve moved past that time in my life; he has not. It was so long ago and so much life has happened since.
I know when taking a break from a relationship, since we’re not communicating daily as we once did, and not seeing each other, I tend to forget the “bad” incidences and words, and focus on what I miss. I guess that’s normal. As I write this I’m having my coffee on the sofa and in the past he would be next to me. So I have to shift my thought on the moment, what’s happening right now. My cat is playing and then jumps on the sofa next to me wanting attention. I focus on his purr and need for my attention.
I journal daily; it’s something I’ve always done. But I can say that I never would ever have imagined that my life would be where is it is right now. I felt that he and I were blessed to have found each other after such a long time. Now I don’t know why we found each other. I guess there’s a lesson in there somewhere.
I still hope his therapy is helping. I can’t imagine being in his mind. It must be torture.
Thank you for listening. This truly is helpful.
KatieNovember 8, 2020 at 7:28 am #368787
“in his mind he lives in the past..”- he has unfinished business there. He is locked in that high school, an older man locked in an old high school building with the ghosts of the past. If you resumed a relationship with him, you will be locked there with him, locked in that old building with ghosts.
“I felt that he and I were blessed to have found each other after such a long time”- you thought it was a Plus, a Positive that you were in the same school and decades later got together. But now, you know it was a Negative. The shared history of attending the same high school made the relationship impossible for him.
“Now I don’t know why we found each other. I guess there’s a lesson in there somewhere”- I don’t believe that everything-happens-for-a-reason, as in a supernatural power orchestrating events in the billions of humans’ lives for a reason, or a purpose. But I believe that learning from what we stumble into in life is often useful and it makes life interesting. I think that you and I have learned from your experience already, and there may be more to learn.
“I journal daily; it’s something I’ve always done”- it is therapeutic to journal, when one is so inclined.
“I have to shift my thought on the moment, what’s happening right now”- that’s the practice of Mindfulness, you can practice more of that. There are many mindfulness exercises you can find in books, magazines and online.
anitaNovember 8, 2020 at 5:47 pm #368804
He texted me again today. I know he misses me. Our communication was many times a day before our break. He did not mention the past at all. But also didn’t say the things he still needs to say about this past year of torment. He has therapy next week.
I feel like I need to start signing my posts as “Hopeful in NJ” (like “Sleepless in Seattle).
KatieNovember 8, 2020 at 7:20 pm #368808
Dear Hopeful in NJ (Katie):
You are always welcome. Good thing he did not mention the past at all, but I agree- he needs to say the things he didn’t yet say. Maybe he will some day, soon. Maybe.
I will be back in about 11 hours from now.
anitaNovember 9, 2020 at 8:57 am #368839
I know he needs time to go through his therapy. I many times feel the urge to reach out to him, but do not. Our contact is usually him reaching out to me through texting. I feel my moods are all over the place. I’m anxious, sad, hopeful, and sometimes feel like I can’t catch my breath.
Today at work is my cry day. I’m in the office alone on Mondays, so that makes it ok to let my emotions flow. Plus, wearing a mask due to COVID hides much of the anguish on my face. I try to think of my cry days as a release of emotion, but I don’t like my cry days. I usually visit the meditation room (I work in a hospital) and sit quietly in search of guidance. The upcoming holidays aren’t helping either.
I just needed to vent. I don’t like feeling this way. I have a daughter at home who is 22 but has PTSD thanks to her father and his alcoholic, abusiveness towards us all. I feel like I need to put on my “I am a rock” mask at home to help her. She’s in therapy, but still has quite a way to go with her healing….still nightmares, triggers.
Even with therapy, I feel like I’m just down in the dumps. These are the days that I want to lay on the couch under a blanket with my cat.
Thanks for the ear,
KatieNovember 9, 2020 at 11:47 am #368861
You are welcome and thank you for being as gracious and kind as you are. I admire you for putting on your “I am a rock” mask for the benefit of your 22 year old. Here, of course, there is no need for you to put on any mask.
“I’m anxious, sad, hopeful, and sometimes feel like I can’t catch my breath… the anguish… I don’t like feeling this way.. Even with therapy, I feel like I’m just down in the dumps”-
– of the emotional experiences you listed, “sad” and “down in the dumps” are the preferable ones: there is a sinking feeling in it, but by itself, there is no agitation in sadness. But in “anxious”, “hopeful”(and the hope being repeatedly dashed), in “can’t catch my breath”, and in “anguish”- there is plenty of agitation- a sort of emotional shaking, jolting. This emotional jolting, like an emotional quake that happens repeatedly during the day, is very exhausting and tiring. It is not meant to last for long periods of time, and every day. Experienced for long, and regularly- it harms our physical health, short and long-term.
If this man was right for you, this very agitation, day after day, long term, wouldn’t be happening as a result of him being in your life. A man who is right for a woman does not cause her to lose her breath unless it is in the context of a moment of passion (a kind of agitation), a temporary situation that gets resolved quickly.
November 9, 2020 at 12:18 pm #368866
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
The “can’t catch my breath” comes from the cry in my throat. I guess I’m trying to let go of the him being right for me. I just never pictured him as not a part of my life. My anxiety level is elevated daily; I am medicated for it but sometimes even the meds don’t keep my anxiety in check as much as I would like them to.
Today is a bad day. I am hopeful tomorrow will be better.
KatieNovember 9, 2020 at 12:44 pm #368870
You are having a bad day, and yet, you ended your post with “I am hopeful tomorrow will be better”- you are different from him: you don’t play the victim role. You don’t go on and on about your misery and how he caused it, you.. care about not burdening the listener, me in this case, by ending your short post with hope, signaling me to not worry about you.
If only he behaved this way, if only he cared to not burden you with his misery.
I am sorry, Katie, that you are having a bad day, that there is a cry in your throat that stops you from inhaling and exhaling freely. That cry in your throat, of seeing him as he is, not as you wished him to be. I know that kind of cry, it is almost like not wanting to take into you the air/ reality outside of you, maybe. Is it?
November 10, 2020 at 5:44 am #368905
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
That cry…the reality. Yes, that sounds like a good observation.
There are so many things going on in my life right now, and although I at times needed to lean on him, I could never lean that hard. Because of his own issues (OCD; anxiety), his strength was limited. He leaned on me way more than I on him. I was there for him at the drop of a hat. That’s just who I am.
Maybe he’ll learn some things about himself in therapy, things he won’t like to hear. Maybe it’ll make him a better person.
I want you to know that I keep these words with me wherever I go, words you said to me in one of your previous posts, “it’s not right for him to torment you with what torments him. He should endure his suffering without inflicting it on you. Love means just that, to not inflict suffering on the one you allegedly love. My concern is that he is angry at you, as if you are the cause of his suffering, while you are not at all the cause of any of his suffering.” Because I do need to remember this. I have always said to him, “I would never do/say anything to intentionally hurt you because I love you.” It’s a shame he couldn’t do the same for me.
At the same time, I’m still hopeful that his therapy is helping.
KatieNovember 10, 2020 at 7:31 am #368907
I am glad that some of what I told you is helpful to you.
“although I at times needed to lean on him, I could never lean that hard… his strength was limited… I was there for him at the drop of a hat. That’s just who I am. Maybe he’ll learn some things about himself in therapy, things he won’t like to hear. Maybe it’ll make him a better person”-
– let’s see what we can learn about you, so that you can become a stronger person in the inside, more of a rock in the inside vs. putting on what you referred to as an “‘I am a rock’ mask”. Learning more about yourself may be uncomfortable, but it can make you a stronger person.
A few hours ago you wrote (above quote) that at times you needed to lean on him, that you could never lean that hard on him-
– but emotionally you are leaning on him a lot of the time, and you are leaning on him hard: “I many times feel the urge to reach out to him.. I’m anxious, sad, hopeful, and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch my breath… from the cry in my throat. I guess I’m trying to et go of him.. I just never pictured him as not part of my life.. My anxiety level is elevated daily” (Nov 9)-
– why does it feel to you so dangerous, to not have him in your life, or to not picture him in your life; so dangerous, that you are afraid on an ongoing basis, sometimes, you are so scared that you can’t catch your breath?
You are employed, making your own money, living independently from him.. he is not the one buying your food, your medications, providing you shelter from the cold… why does it feel dangerous to you, to not have him in your life?