Hi Anita,

Your insight amazes me.  He expressed many times that he did not feel “normal” in high school.  Your last paragraph says it all.

He has known for years that I lost my virginity in high school.  He would not offer this information about himself  to me.  It wasn’t important to me  so I didn’t press for an answer.  I guess he was embarrasses/ashamed.  I don’t know.

Knowledge of the dead guy somehow threw gasoline on the fire of the one I lost my virginity to, as this became an issue as well.

I do feel I need to mention that after my divorce I went away on an overnight stay with a man I was seeing, but there was no sex involved.  My boyfriend found out about this simply because he and I were planning vacation and he was thinking about staying at the B&B where I stayed with this other man. Me, being honest to a fault, suggested  another B&B because I knew due to his jealousy if he found out I stayed  with someone else at the inn he and I were staying at, he would want to know why I didn’t tell him. But I guess I should have kept my mouth shut.  Just vacationing in that town threw him into a funk.  Apparently, I was supposed to be his and his alone.  (He has said that before.)

My life was my life.  I can’t  change it.  It made me who I am today.  And I guess his life made him  who he is today.

Thanks Anita,

Katie

Hi Anita,

Yes, he is angry at me because he thinks I am the cause of his suffering. He’s made this known in the past. I have heard in the past “You’ve ruined my happiness.”  Meaning, his thoughts are directly because of me.  Once he found out about the high school guy, I all of a sudden was not who he thought I was.

I do know that I am the same person he met 6 years ago.  I’m not the person from high school.  People grow, but I guess he has not.  I do also know that he does not appear to be the same person I met 6 years ago.  This past year he’s been a Jekyll / Hyde, to the point where I could have spoken with him at lunchtime and then 4 hours later he’s angry at me, because of the thoughts in his head.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Not a great way to live.

But here I am….forever hopeful.

Thank you,

Katie

Hi Anita,

Is it realistic to be hopeful?

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for the insight.  He is very much in high school, but I never really thought about the comparison of him to others.  He would often want to know if he satisfies me sexually, constantly wanting reassurance.  I never even thought in his mind he was going back to high school.  I can hardly remember high school, and I told him as much. I’m 58!

I do not answer any question about the guy in high school. I really don’t have the answers he’s looking for because my memory is so poor.  But, there is no answer that would ever stop the onslaught of questions; no answer that would satisfy him and be done with it.

Again, I hope his therapist is qualified to help him. If not, the relationship will not survive.

Thank you again,

Katie

Hi Anita,

It always puzzled me that he had no real issue with my ex.  I thought it was because he was dead, but the guy from 40 years ago is also dead.  I would tell my boyfriend that I cannot even go back to high school, that my real trauma is my 25 year marriage that I needed to heal from with therapy.

I do agree that his obsession is more of what happened to him with this guy from 40 year ago.  Whatever happened between me and the high school guy is irrelevant.  I would try to explain that I did not know him (boyfriend) in high school and whatever his issues are with this guy are not related to me.  But he created this triangle of the three of us.  And the thought of me and this guy having sex is tormenting him.  It’s his own made up image.  What saddens me is it isn’t what happened but he’s simply sticking to the story or movie that’s in his OCD mind.

I never really thought about the ex wife cheating being projected onto me.  That’s interesting.

I do agree that he needs to work on his own issues of his past, not my past.  And, that he cannot be the one to try to make me remember what happened to me.  Because maybe I don’t want to remember.  After all, that was 40 years ago and if I want to pick at the scab, I should be the one to do it, not him.

I hope his therapist is a good one.  He definitely does need the help.  To have our relationship end over high school stuff when we’re in our late 50’s seems just plain dumb.

Thank you, Katie

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Katie.

Hi Anita,

The issues in his previous marriage were that the marriage was arranged, and he didn’t love his ex.  His ex was only 18 at the time and turned into a party girl and drinker, which she never grew out of.  She cheated on him as well.  There was no respect, obviously, and one thing he brought up in therapy was that she smoked in the car which made him feel ill. He asked her to stop but she would not. The therapist told her to stop doing that in the car, but she never did listen.  He then decided to have therapy on his own. He didn’t get divorced for religious reasons, but found a loop hole in the bible.

I’ve been in therapy about 10 years because of my marriage.  My ex was an abusive alcoholic.  I continued therapy after the divorce, and was going occasionally because I believe that mental health checkups are just as important as physical health checkups.  Of course now I’m going every 2 weeks because of what is happening in my relationship.

My boyfriend’s jealousy about my past has been over this past year since around last summer.  It’s almost as if his OCD ramped up when he thought I was sexually involved in high school with someone he hated in high school (who actually died 20 years ago), but my memory of this person is very cloudy.  I believe I was molested/raped by this person and my mind blocked it out.  And, it was 40 years ago.  But my boyfriend kept prying and memories started coming back that I didn’t want to talk about.  But he wanted answers, which I couldn’t give. I can’t even remember how I met the guy that molested me.

When we are together we talk all the time, not just small talk but good conversations and we could talk on the phone for hours (we saw eachother only on weekends because we live 1.5 hours away from eachother).  We even have cemetery plots together.

I believe he feels that he wants to talk about my past trauma and has said I can’t sweep it under the rug.  But how to talk about something that I don’t remember?  And what benefit is it to him?  My memory came back as “I think we dated for 3 months maybe” then, “I don’t think we dated.” I can’t remember how I met this guy; I recall bits and pieces of the encounter which makes me uncomfortable.  I could have been drugged. I’m not sure.  But I want to leave this alone and don’t want to be badgered about it.  I think this is the main issue with him about my past, but he really just can’t stand the thought of me with anyone.  The only guy he has no issue with is my ex, who died long before my boyfriend and I started our relationship.

I have no issue with his past.  I would rather focus on the present and future. I’m so sad about this.

Thanks Anita,

Katie

Thank you Anita,

My therapist did say that what my boyfriend is experiencing goes back to his childhood.  My boyfriend mentioned a trauma from catholic school that he never could talk about. I never pried.  But this he says has come up in his therapy.  I know he was and has witnessed abuse by the nuns.

He is reluctant to try new drug therapy; he says he has tried other meds in the past and complained of side effects.

I’ll  mention to him a visit with his therapist, but he’s not really on board with this. I think she should see me and know who he is talking about.  We try not to contact each other too much. His therapist didn’t recommend it because she said he’s too angry with me (hence the verbal abuse)

I’m still hopeful but am exhausted emotionally.