That feels very, very true and real to me. Also in the ways I want to keep a distance there is a similarity. For example, I do not want to be overly close to my dad because it makes me feel uncomfortable and like it’s too little too late. He and my mom seem to get along better now that the kids are out of the house but it still seems like an odd, materialistic life of keeping up with the neighbors.

I wouldn’t be able to be with the married man because I would not be able to fully trust him, would probably still be jealous and i would forever feel like an actual homewrecker. This has really been eye opening since I have not been able to really tell anyone except for a couple friends who think I just had a crush and that’s it.

Thanks!
It actually seems like I have been hurt the most by these relationships. I always go in knowing it can’t be anything more and being low key but then I try hard to keep the relationship with extreme emotional outbursts. I think I have had a total of three taboo relationships, one physical and emotional affair with a married man while married, one physical and emotional affair to a single man while engaged, and now this emotional affair. I feel like I was hurt the most by all of these by them not wanting to actually be with me or even if they were saying it, not actually making it happen.

When everything started I already knew I didn’t want relationships but I wanted to be the one in control so to speak. I guess losing the relationships is in a way losing the identity I created for myself with that person in my life, even if it’s never been a desirable life when I actually thought about it.

I would say that when I approached these relationships from the beginning it was about wanting a mentor for running with the first man. The second was about teaching him English, and the one now I was seeking a friend to double date with and go to events, and discuss healthy living. However, they all turned into something more whether I believe I wanted it to or not. It felt more comfortable to approach the males instead of females, so I feel like I was looking for friends, but also in an unhappy relationship or lonely.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.

Anita,

Thank you for your help. That does make a lot of sense although I never thought it really affected how I chose a romantic partner. I do feel that it’s best to go no contact but I am so bad at that.

For me it means living my life for me and not being in this constant state of anxiety. I’m trying to change my fantasies to what might actually be true about him. Accepting the wildest explanation like he loves his wife plus is having the time of his life with any number of other women, it makes it easier than just wondering why he isn’t calling me. When he isn’t  calling me I want to make peace with it and just feel neither hate nor sadness. It’s also a weird tie to my old toxic job when I hear little things from him that’s maybe not healthy for me to hear.

I want to be happy with who I am and stop trying to curate my personality, interests, and looks to please others. I have been taking an interest in minimalism, healthy living, and other things to try and free my mind from the negative thoughts so to be independent and not a follower would be moving forward. Eventually finding a relationship And supportive friends would be great. I  would like to be able to push through in hard times instead of feeling like I haven’t made any self progress.

I feel like I do like my personality more and other things about myself better than when I was younger, the relationship issues continue to repeat themselves in a similar fashion.

Before I left for college I had a boyfriend that was not really doing much after high school. He kept telling me he as going to propose and that we would have one kid together so that we were always tied to each other. When i left I wanted to have fun and he would repeatedly call me, show up at my school 4 hours away, call my parents etc. It was scary.

My ex husband was kind of a nerd and not very physically my type but had a sweet personality and a girlfriend at the time so I kind of wanted to see if he was interested. After we married I began getting a lot of attention from attractive men and gave in to one. My ex had stopped being nice and was also controlling me, following me, and became abusive.

To make matters worse, my affair partner was insanely jealous of every other man and went through my phone, broke into my apartment, called my employer and family and spread lies, and the list goes on. For a while I usually go along with the behavior out of fear and not wanting to believe it but it doesn’t last long and usually ends up with the person hating me.

I have never had a good relationship with an ex or had a relationship end normally. This current man being very conventionally attractive made his forwardness less of a turn off but still left a lot of questions. I guess I have a thing for unavailable men but I have never shot high when choosing an available one. I always seem to choose the low hanging fruit and it turns disastrous.

I agree. The whole thing was intoxicating, I was pretty much in that constant state of excitement for over a year. I have endlessly daydreamed about all the ways I could be in his life, from being friends with the wife or even the daughter. It does seem extremely odd now. However when I learned he could not have female friends, the attraction to him as a partner grew to be very intense. Luckily though I have reminded myself that I would not want him to leave his family. I know logically I do not need his approval or admiration to live my life but it seems impossible to get to the other side.

I think in their minds they were not hurting me. I was given strict rules but still with a bit of freedom. But when I got older they had the attitude of it not being their problem. And I had the attitude that I was going to party no matter what. Even if I didn’t listen to them I feel they still could have said something. I feel like most parents would try to boost their child’s self worth.

I am trying to think about what he represents to me. He is 10 years older with teenage children which makes me think he’s a loving and caring person. He has been with his wife since they were 20 which is cute and I’m jealous because I always wanted the high school or college sweetheart. He supports his whole family even though we were working low paying jobs at a manufacturing facility. He has a cute house that they have been working on together for years.

Since I have gotten older I am actually more interested in going a non traditional route without kids and letting go of that marriage fantasy but I still can’t seem to shake my fantasy of a life with him even though he has a completely different life than me. He indulged me talking about my interests and dreams to work a better job and take time for hobbies and it seemed like he wanted to do these things too. I felt like I could help him get out of the house and do things as he never got a chance to and didn’t have much leftover money. As I mentioned before he talked about his kids but only one thing about being unhappy at home.

It’s kind of odd now thinking about how I thought something could work out with us. I don’t feel like I could ever be a step parent and there is this side to him where I know he pursues other women. I honestly don’t know I am seeing him differently than what is really there?

I agree it is much deeper than that. I definitely don’t want to be that person and I know it never ends well. Most of my interpersonal relationships. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents and I tend to pick female friends who don’t seem interested in my life. Im also in a new city so I feel incredibly lonely and wonder if I made a mistake moving. I have gone out with new coworkers but feel stressed with the new interactions. Sometimes I feel like he is actually my only friend, although there are a couple acuaintances I talk to.

I definitely will not be the one to contact him and will see what to do when he contacts me. I don’t believe in ghosting but I am aware that it needs to end. My only regret would be what if we both were available at one point and I lost my chance but this experience does make me see that it would have soured a real relationship and I that I won’t want him once I am happy with myself. I love relationship books actually so I will look into that.