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Tammy

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  • in reply to: The PUA/Self Imrovement Community is making me depressed #119577
    Tammy
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    I completely agree about not trying to some super-hero guy. From a young age I learned to push myself to excel, to be perfect, but out of a misguided belief that it would get my father to pay attention to me and to be kind to me. This became an ingrained piece of my personality that I only recently could see it for what it was. So, here I am having so many positive attributes but no current relationship. That is when it all came to me that it isn’t about being the perfect this or the perfect that. It is about being authentic and being approachable and friendly. Some of that comes from loving ourselves and letting go of the negative things we tell ourselves. Only really thinking we are pretty wonderful lets us be wonderful to others and people love, love, love others that make them feel good. When I will get a boyfriend, who knows, but at least I feel good about myself.

    in reply to: The PUA/Self Imrovement Community is making me depressed #119455
    Tammy
    Participant

    Oh, and I should add, PUA is mostly about people making money off of others by selling their advice and systems.

    in reply to: The PUA/Self Imrovement Community is making me depressed #119454
    Tammy
    Participant

    To be clear, Tim, women do not want to have SEX with Alpha Males. SOME women want to have RELATIONSHIPS with males they perceive as Alpha and end up having sex with them under the mistaken belief that the guy will make them their girlfriend. PUA often employs techniques to give women the impression that you want to have a relationship with them or that you are really in to them in a way that would lead to exclusivity. Women want relationships, not casual sex. Yes, there are women who purport they are just looking for hookups but usually it is a misguided attempt to look “cool” thinking that will get the guy. Casual sex and/or looking cool does not get the guy.

    As others are saying, PUA is a bunch of people’s opinions on how to hookup with girls for the most part. I have seen some advice that is about guys feeling better about themselves to meet girls and end up in a relationship. Most of the PUA is just about getting girls into bed. So, if you want to change your view on dating and relationships, stay away from PUA as it will just depress you. A lot of it is cynical, manipulative and just plain ugly. I wouldn’t fire your therapist yet either. They need to work with you to see when YOU are ready to change your mind about how things work. Until you are ready to change your belief system to believe in romantic relationships, no one can make it happen, they can simply help you sort through your thoughts until you figure it out.

    in reply to: The PUA/Self Imrovement Community is making me depressed #119267
    Tammy
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    I would say that believing that men have it harder than women dating is not accurate. What I do believe is true is that men are challenged to finding casual sex partners and women are challenged to find relationship partners. I have never been a fan of casual sex. I don’t like it, I get nothing from it other than feeling bad about myself. So when well meaning friends tell me “Oh, you are attractive, you will have no trouble finding someone” I want to just scream at them. Sure, I will have no problem if I want to accept last minute “dates” from online guys who are obviously just looking for their next hookup.

    How long it can take and where we will find someone for a relationship is difficult because you really can do only so much to make it happen if you are looking for the right one, the person you connect with who is really right for you. For me, I just continue to focus on doing what I need to feel good about myself and continuing to talk to men online until I find someone I do connect with. I also take breaks because it can wear you out spiritually.

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