Anita,

I don’t think needing a boyfriend will bring happiness into my life as much as I do want a partner. What I have found from this “neediness” is that it only ends with the guy turning the other way and usually running. I don’t believe relationships should be built on neediness and dependency, in other words it should be a mutual growth and spiritual path between to people who learn, love and grow together. The dependency I am talking about and constantly “looking” for is not one that is healthy, its that “I can’t live without you” type of dependency that is dangerous, unhealthy and leaves any person feeling lost with in themselves. can you really grow when you are dependent on another person, you can grow through experiences with someone else or talking it through but not neediness. Thats where I am trying to change, I realize once again with this guy that it is a repetitive behaviour…..of wanting a partner so bad that I get lost in the other person, catering to their schedule, their likes, their needs, what they are attracted too…..morphing myself into someone I am truly not to the point where I am so far gone in the clouds…..when something goes wrong- like being rejected I react extremely poor towards the situation because it is not matching up to be what I have created in my head. It is easy for me to recognize this because the guy in the above conversation is very similar to a guy I became heart broken about years before, same type of situation, same treatment, same reaction from me and same outcome. I wanted this time to be different, to tell him we were friends and to just be “a friend” but I seemed to single handedly ruin that already by showing him my not so flexible, easy going side- which every one has dont get me wrong, we all have our moments— and he even said that to me after I became embarrassed and apologize. Now the friendship is different, because we haven’t known each other very long, its no sweat off his back to just back out of the friendship and walk in the opposite direction…..like many people have done to me before. I get it, I showed my not so nice side very fast. I texted him yesterday, took him till today to respond and he cant really even say more then a couple words to me. I get it, I understand. Is there any repair to this friendship, do I just need to give it time?
and yes I want to repiar not because I think there is a “chance” but because we work together and I don’t feel right about letting something like this go

In a scenario with a guy and what I would do different? I would be his friend first, I would respect my boundaries of drinking and being intimate with another person and not cross that line that would put me into the risk of getting hurt. I would be my own person, and continue to do what I wanted/ have my own life and not cater to the other person by dropping all plans in order to spend more time with them. I would not let go so much information about my personal life as to not get attached emotionally. If i could go back I would. Though I know all of this is a big learning lesson for me and is part of natural growth. Its very easy for me to recognize it but very hard for me to accept that truth

best,
thoughtfullearning

Anita,

Thank you for your response! I have a lot of trouble with communicating my feelings with guys because I feel as though I will scare them off. For example, when I read your response I totally agreed that we both need to sit down and talk about it one on one without any substances that would alter responses and then I cringed because the thought of sitting him down to “talk” with him seems so premmature to how much time we have spent together, ultimately I am scared of running him off. In other words, in my young generation everyone just wants everyone to go with the flow and act “cool” about situations like this, I on the other hand like to talk things out. I am scared to bring my feelings up into this because I think I would run him off in the opposite direction/ be to forward, I work with this guy or he works alongside a lot of my colleagues and knows them……I don’t want to be labeled as this crazy girl who hangs out with someone a couple times and then spills her guts….. and I am not saying thats what your suggesting but if I were to truly sit down and talk with him I guess I would have to have a game plan to tell him that I just want to be friends because the added stuff on top in making me confused within the friendship.

Does something like this seem reasonable but not crazy: Hey, I really have enjoyed spending time with you and I would like to continue hanging out as friends because the added benefits are making me confused. I really have to respect my own boundaries by setting ones up between you and I.

In actually writing this ^^^^^ I realize he is using me- as a friends with benefits kind of attitude regardless if we have not even gone past kissing he is still using me in a way and that is completely unfair to me as a person.

I will keep you posted on what ends up happening! Thank you!

Adam and Anita,

Thank you both for your response. Means a lot to me.

Anita, you are right…. I am highly selective in whom I stay friends with but I’d like to be more open to meeting more people…. Something that I have sometimes shy’d away from because most initially don’t fit into my friend criteria which is fine but I want to be less judge mental and allow myself more time to get to know them better. I actually do struggle wth the patients of getting to know someone friendship wise before wanting to jump head first into it.
I also struggle with maintain friendships- is it because they don’t fit with who I am that I don’t care to put the effort in?
Please advise, or offer your opinion. Is there ways I can teach myself to be more patient or open with meeting new people instead of writing them off directly?

Also Anita I am interested in your opinion on the other post I wrote yesterday. I apologize for it being such a long drawn out story but it is cathartic in a way to release all of that information and write it out even if it’s in a very public place. I was hoping to get a response from you directly as I really appreciate your approach and responses to other posts and my posts in the past. Maybe we can directly message if possible?

Thank you so much

Anita,

Our friendship spans many bridges that we have both crossed together. She has been there for me in some of my darkest days, when I had family troubles and no one to turn to… she has always had her door wide open for me. there is a different side to this friendship, one of deep trust and commitment from both sides but naturally things happen outside of the friendship that we both cant always control. My bad eating habits her drinking habits… this relationship as gone a long way. one where my maturity is sometimes stronger then hers but I never really let that determine how I treated her, like my equal. as mentioned before she did write me a long email expressing her respect, devotion and misgivings but that I have no right to judge her. this is true, i am just at a crossroads in our friendship because i dont know whether to accept her as she is an that she wont change or move on. at the end of he day, women friendships are a powerful thing and ones you want to hang on to because sometimes they are the true essence of love in the world. Aren’t we suppose to love and forgive, accept and let go? isn’t this what this site is all about? not passing judgement on someones life that we don’t know about but instead stepping in their shoes and taking a walk. I am torn because I have so much love for her but my patients has worn thin over time for her indiscretions. Is it time to let go and move on or accept and pour love into this person?
how do I go about handling it?