i am really sorry to hear that . i think you should take break if it is draining your energy . or try find someone who is equally serious like you .i know its difficult but never loose hope. i have been to similar situation . i know it hurts . but than i just do what i like and concenterate how to be happy without keeping my happiness depending on someone .you have to keep patience . i am doing the same now . guess what out no where people starting liking me the way i am . i feel u should concentrate on few or may be one at time . to make it work . i do that trust me it works i concentrate only one person i like it becomes so much easy hassle free . and other person also respect me since they understand the fact that . i am actually giving them my attention ,care so they feel special . so i wish best of luck and lot of patience and . be strong . dreaming715

Sometimes the more you try and get something the more you drive it away. I was completely in your shoes 6 years ago. I was lucky enough to be able jack everything in and go travel – I spent 6 and half months travelling overland with 40 people on a truck and then two years doing working holiday visa in Austraia and Canada.

In Australia in picked up a book called ‘how to make every man want you’ and don’t let the title put you off I found this book pure gold because it was not about ensnaring a man it was about getting to a place where you were ok with life and the absolute most attractive thing about a person is someone who is happy and comfortable in their own skin. This book with what i gained from travelling turned my life round (with a lot of work on me and my brain in the process I might add lol)

So i found the man of my dreams right – this is how these things end. Well I thought I did. I had the most amazing relationship with a guy but he wasn’t in the same place as me and had his own things to deal with and in hindsight we wouldn’t have worked but I was so happy about who i had been in that relationship. Not putting pressure on it, not trying to make him responsible for my happiness. I could have allowed the break up to destroy me as I would in the past BUt something from that book helped and it was ‘Relationships are spiritual opportunities not needs based exchanges’. That relationship was to help me learn about how I idealise LOVE and believe romantic love it is the highest calling (damn you disney films 🙂 )

I am now with a wonderful guy (who i met on Match!) and talking about marriage and moving across the world to create a life with him. Its not the hollywood passionate, i dont care that you are terrible for me, i love you and thats all that matters, relationship. Its a slow burning, friendship based, we want to create a beautiful life together as a supportive team enabling each of us to be who we are as separate people in something that is greater than the sum of our parts type relationship and its something i could never have had, never have grown in to this person that frankily I like a whole lot more than the me 6 years ago if I hadn’t had the experiences I had.

Maybe I wont end up having children because it took me a lot longer, maybe i will. If I do then they will get a much better mother and role model because of the way my life panned out.

Anyway your post struck a cord with me because I was there at the same age with everyone else getting married and even starting to have kids while I couldn’t get anyone to even date me (so you are ahead of me there).

Take the pressure of you and the men you meet. Spend some time investigating you and your attitudes to love and relationships. Men have an amazing ‘desperation’ sensor that causes them to run a mile and for people that are generally considered to be a bit clueless about feelings they tend to be pretty good at knowing when someone is not happy in themselves. The not so nice ones will use that to their advantage and nice ones will run a mile 🙂

Turned out the only thing wrong with me was my attitude to relationships, maybe that’s the only thing that you need to change too 🙂

Well I’ve always believed that waiting for somebody to come along and make you happy was a bad plan. First of all, you have no control over your own happiness that way, its in somebody else’s hands who may or may not even exist. Second, since happiness can only come from within, the poor person who gets involved with you is already saddled with the impossible burden of making you happy. He will fail, you’ll blame him, and start the cycle all over again with somebody new.

The best way to go about it, is to concentrate on your own happiness and find out why you arent happy. Take the steps to correct that problem in your life. Saying ‘all my friends are married and having children’ is no reason to go out and get hitched. It tells me that your mindset is is about following others, and defining yourself by comparison to your friends. I’m going to tell you that this is a disastrous way to make life decisions and will almost always lead a person to become unhappy in the long run. Whatever you do in life should come from you, your decisions must come from deep introspection and a firm understanding of your happiness goals. What your friends are doing is absolutely irrelevant and should never even enter into your thought process.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Kirk.

I am not saying that one shouldn’t get marry or have kids. That’s not what I am saying. There’s nothing wrong in fulfilling your deepest desires.

P.S. I am a 30 year old guy who struggles with loneliness.

Brav3

Hey dreaming,

I get it. Everyone’s getting married or having babies while you cant even seem to have that successful dating phase – it must take a hit on your self-esteem – you must be feeling like something is wrong with you, maybe thats why this isnt working out for you.

Firstly, ask yourself how your relationship with yourself is? Do you like yourself with or without a partner? How are the other areas in your life going – other relationships, career, your interests etc?

Secondly, I dont think the universe doesnt want you to find someone. Its just that the universe wants you to slow down and let it go a bit, take it easy on yourself – when the time is right, we meet the right person without even trying. It just falls into place in some strange way. Let go of this cycle of dating for now and really relax. Breathe in, take a vacation with girlfriends or go alone.

Thirdly, believe it or not, it is okay to feel pissed at what you’re going through. Its shitty to take in rejection after going into something. Consider the case of Ted Mosby for example – who wants to get married after meeting the right girl. He eventually does without even trying but there is a long story before that happens. He meets so many people who dont work out before that for example while his friends get married, have a baby…The only way you can start feeling better is to find something new to occupy your mind, to drive you outside of this pain. When you are ready, really ready, things will fall into place, trust me on this!

Dear dreaming715:

Again, I am impressed how thoroughly and graciously you answered every person that replied to you. You have my personal Wow! for doing that.

The examples you gave, those conversation starters- because I happen to be a trivia- ignorant person, that is I don’t know about exhibits or movies (except a few), or anything much except my interest: people’s motivations and such, I would be at a loss with those questions. I know a few people though with much interest in trivia, what I consider trivia. I know one particular person who tries to engage others with trivia all the time and it makes me very sad because it is not working for him. He is not successful at making friends even though he is excellent at trivia. People respond, conversations happen, but no continuation into friendships.

This is my personal experience. I would be curious to hear how trivia works for others in making long term friendships and relationships… Maybe a new thread topic. I will think about it. Wonder what you think about it as well.

anita

Hi Dreaming715,

Before I go shopping I thought I might mention a few other things that may help….

How to be yourself out there:- You can not help but know what you desire. By focusing on this, you automatically sort, and pigeon hole people, and interactions, and in essence the outcome of any connection with another person. Be open to all possibilities, and choose much later on – providing that your intuition is active and you are not in danger, then allow yourself to explore another person. They are an expression of life as you are. That in itself is exciting. Clear your mind of what your outcome is, and enjoy the moment. Go have a beverage, and allow the possibility of interaction…. but don’t seek it, desire it, force it, just allow it to happen. Our minds can not comprehend the possibilities, but our hearts can guide us.

Connection:- First and foremost. This comes way, way, before a relationship, or suitability, or compatibility. Connect to another as if they are you. In fact they are you, just a different expression. Speak your truth, your views, your understanding of life. You could fill a library with your knowledge of your experiences already. None of that is mundane or boring. Talking about things that are light and fluffy with no meaning to you only weakens the connection that may be there already.

Patience:- You are unique….. it takes time to share yourself, and allow another to share themselves. No rush required. In this space comes openness to explore. Compatibility surfaces naturally without seeking from a need.

Courage:- Say only what is for you – say it clearly, and directly. If you have feelings, say it, then think about it. You can take all the time in the world to panic after you have said it.

Rejection:- Funny word this one…… It is not that you are unacceptable, but simply a correction back to your true path. That path will lead you to someone who can share what you wish to share yourself. It does hurt a bit, but only when your head gets in the way of your heart.

Relationship:- Two whole people sharing themselves. Not two halves needing completion. You can do that right now for yourself. Be whole and complete and perfect now. When you are sharing of yourself, another will be drawn to your energy. No seeking required.

You may know all this already, but I felt the need to share it with you.

Best

Evan