Hi Anita,

We had spoken at length about those variables. He understood that I didn’t want us to be in a LDR again and that I wanted to pursue this personal goal subject to him being able to go with me. If either of us were not accepted, we would not go. I have always supported him in pursuing his goals, as aforementioned, at my expense and I expressed that I will not be able to survive another separation, whether to pursue my own goals or if he wanted to pursue his, again. He now suddenly appreciates the opportunity a lot more than he did after being accepted for the scholarship and believes it to be his fate and what God wanted for him, which hurts me because I don’t think he appreciates how this affetcs me. Further to my previous question, how do I communicate this to him without giving him an ultimatum, because I genuinely cannot experience another LDR.

Dear Anita and Peggy,

We cracked under the pressure and I was on anxiety medication because of what I’ve been going through, so we jointly decided to break up.

I’m inconsolable. But relieved. Thank you both for your words.

?

Hi Anita,

just to confirm, I’m referring to the same incident. I dealt with the brunt of it in March because I was still writing exams in February and couldn’t really focus too much on the affair at the time, so I refer to it as having happened in March only because that is when I truly dealt with it, but it happened in early February.

His plans have not changed. He is still moving in August.

I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust and not having been honest. I’m not happy that he cheated on me but we have come out the other side in a much better place. We communicate a lot better, we’re more vulnerable in ways we never have before, he’s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together because we are great together and we love each other. I wouldn’t say my trust is fully restored but I have committed to making us work.

I also believe that my judgment is in tact because he has been able to relay how he feels a lot and that has allowed me to make decisions based on what’s real and that affirms to me that my judgment is good. Therapy has however helped me accept that human beings can shock you sometimes and when they do, I should be able to receive it just as that, and not account it to who I am. I can’t foresee everything and that says nothing about my judgment.

I can also play a role in adopting poor judgment by not addressing uncomfortable issues. The latter is what I did because his reason for cheating stemmed from the sex problems, which I also took issue with but didn’t express to him.

Overall, he is a great man and who has owned up to his mistakes. I do trust my perception of his feelings and commitment towards me now. I would just like to figure out how we fix the sex issues because we both want to.

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your thoughts.

I agree, I will be staying at my place.

He has reassured me that he wants to change his behaviour because he values our relationship and does not want to lose me. To be honest, I was more concerned about what lead him to entertain exes than I was on the reasons for him wanting to change. That is a great point.

He has broken all forms of communication with the ex.

I’m most interested in determining your last paragraph. How do I achieve this. I don’t know why I should trust him again. Well, bearing in mind that he chose to do this right beside me, I fear the worst for us being in different time zones. It is not reassuring to me that I have access to his phone because I am not that person. It will not validate that he is trustworthy to me.

Poppyxo – Spot on.

I have had the conversation with my boyfriend, he advised that I do what I feel will benefit me in the end. Which is true. Initially, I’d thought my silence would be self-explanatory, but it seems to have given the adverse effect of giving him hope. I will have to send him a text to say as you’ve all advised because he is being quite intrusive at this point and my family members do not need to be roped into anything. Particularly because I don’t need to either.

thank you for your words.

Update.

You couldn’t have been any more precise. He has resorted to texting my family. Asking for “advice”  regarding me.

He is definitely  desperate, but I’m definitely feeling like my silence is aggravating the issue. He’s clearly out of touch with reality and disillusioned about who he still is to me.

Urgh. What. To. Do.

Urgh, Inky. THANK YOU.

He repressed his loss and now he can’t avoid it. He has to do the emotional labour now. Explaining why I don’t want to speak to him or that I don’t want to also makes me feel like a landfill for his emotional waste. Like I must still reason for you WHY I don’t owe you a conversation?

He can go see a shrink. Call a hotline. I don’t owe him anything.

Thank you, again! ?