Dear Anita,

* As I read my above post, as I read: “‘I’m so sorry about it, Anita. Please give yourself a hug, and I too am giving you a virtual hug ❤️’- than you, Tee.”-

Obviously there’s something missing here before the “than you”. I must have accidently deleted something there, or something like that (don’t remember).

But my point, I was afraid that this mistake will lead to condemnation on your part, simply because that was what I received from the mother- no mistake and no no-mistake was unpunished.

I think you wanted to write “thank you, Tee”. You just misspelled 🙂 Not a big deal at all. But I understand that you get very anxious if you think you made some mistake which you might be judged or punished for, the same way your mother would punish you. And I can assure you I would do no such thing.

I think in those moments – when you start panicking – you might want to soothe LGA (because it’s her who is panicking) and tell her that you love her and that she did nothing wrong. And even if she made a mistake, it’s okay to make mistakes (we’re humans, we make mistakes), and that you love her nevertheless.

So I think self-soothing – being Ima Anita to LGA – might help you in situations like this ❤️

My goodness, Tee, I am thinking that I had one of the sickest mother-monster in the whole wide world.

Okay, I had a heavy-duty, seriously perverted mother-monster. It was never as clear to me as it is now!!!

Unfortunately yes, your mother was pretty disturbed, with elements of perversion in her behavior. I don’t think she was one of the sickest mothers in the world (because unfortunately there are much worse examples of what parents are able to do to their children).

However, what was perhaps even more insidious (and therefore, more harmful) is that she e.g. hasn’t outright sexually abused you, but she did invade your body in inappropriate ways. But you didn’t know, or weren’t sure that you were abused.

Also, she made you call for her to wipe you after going to the toilette, which was very humiliating for you, but you didn’t know it wasn’t normal. So you obeyed.

Another one is that she conditioned you to accept the bizarre ritual (because that’s what it seems to me) of putting on your pajamas after bathing, while you were lying down on the bed, which lasted into your puberty and adolescence as well. When the neighbor (Rosie) exclaimed that this was wrong and isn’t good for your psychological development, your mother responded, with a satisfied expression on her face, that you liked it.

You were very scared to contradict her, and so you didn’t say anything to the neighbor. You didn’t even protest much to your mother, just moaned a little:

I think I unintentionally uttered sounds of distress, but she didn’t hear or care to hear or see my obvious distress.

Your body showed signs of protest and revolt in the form of tics, when e.g. your head would involuntarily shake from left to right, as if saying NO. But she didn’t notice even that – even the most obvious signs of your distress.

Because she didn’t want to notice it – your well-being wasn’t important to her. Her own “feeling good” was what was important to her, and unfortunately she felt good when humiliating you and torturing you.

Unfortunately, she was a very sick person, Anita, who should have received psychiatric treatment. She was definitely unfit to be a mother, but she never came to the attention of the authorities, because as you said, people didn’t want to meddle in other people’s child rearing habits.

That neighbor, Rosie, saw that something was wrong, and challenged her that one time, but your mother nonchalantly replied that you liked it. And that was it – case closed, no questions asked.

But this is what’s important: even though you didn’t visibly object to her, your body was objecting all the time, it was yelling and screaming NO!

You didn’t want any of that treatment, you hated it, but you didn’t dare to express it. You were afraid of her rage, or of her killing herself and then you blaming yourself for it (because she made you believe that if she kills herself, it will be your fault).

You were in an impossible situation, Anita, because you couldn’t run, even if you wanted it with every fiber of your being (or at least with a part of your being – because another part wanted to stay with her and save her). You felt trapped, but couldn’t escape. And as you said it yourself, that’s probably the cause of your tics (The trauma is caught in my muscles, the tics, every minute, every day.).

I think a large part of your healing will be finding a way to express your NO, visibly, audibly, in a series of corrective exercises. But don’t rush with it. Take it easy, gently. You’re now building the foundations: self-care, being a good mother (Ima) to yourself, lots of self-compassion, but also clarity in how you see your mother. You’re not feeling pity for her anymore, but there’s a clear wish to protect yourself from her, right?

In the past, you felt helpless: even if you weren’t physically helpless, you were psychologically “bound”, so to speak, constricted by your fear of causing her harm and losing her, and also for fear of being seen as a bad, ungrateful daughter. You felt helpless because she conditioned you to feel helpless, and you believed her.

But now it’s time to take a stand for yourself, to free yourself from being at her disposal, both physically and mentally. As you used to say: she was “helping” herself to you – whatever she needed, she took. But now it’s time to stop that. She cannot take whatever she wants from you: you now have the will and determination (and mental clarity) to say NO. To say STOP.

And I agree: There was no Mother in Monster 🖤, two M words.

She might have been someone who provided food and shelter (and toys) for you, and who sent you to school. But other than that, she was your torturer – someone who absolutely didn’t care about your needs and what’s good for you, but only about satisfying her own sick urges, I’m afraid.

I’m sorry, Anita, that you had to go through such an ordeal as a child and youth. She did try to enslave you and take away your agency completely. And to be honest, now knowing all this, I’m a bit surprised that you even managed to leave her and move far away from her, to the other part of the world. And alone, right? It means you still had some agency left in you… If you’d care to share more about how that came about, please do so (but only if it’s not uncomfortable to talk about).

Yes, this was upsetting, but I was not alone in it. There’s someone listening to me, someone understanding, attending, validating- and this makes ALL the difference 🙏 🙏 🙏

I’m glad that I can be there to support you and validate your experience, and help you start extracting yourself from her grip. Slowly, gradually, gently, but still, doing it, slowly walking towards freedom. ❤️

You can do it, Anita, I am rooting for you!!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Dear Jana,

good to hear from you again! I hope you had a great time at your offline adventure in the cabin in the forest 😊

Don’t worry, Tee. It was a very lonely experience… it was… 😊

I’m glad that your trauma is behind you now, and that you can look back at your childhood with gladness, remembering that what was good and wholesome.

You’ve done a lot of healing, and I see you’re very deliberate about maintaining your emotional balance and a positive mindset. And that you prefer not to spend too much time online, talking about healing, but instead, you like to be offline, doing and living the healing 😊

I am rooting for you and wishing you a full, wholesome life, living in harmony with yourself, other people and nature. I feel this is what you’re aiming for and you’re really dedicated to it, doing your best to achieve it. That’s admirable, Jana! ❤️

Thank you for giving me your email. Forgive me if I don’t write immediately, since I’m not sure how I feel about switching from forums to email correspondence. But thanks anyway, I might write some time in the future. Till then, stay well and we might see each other on the forums, if you decide to drop by 😊

Dear Anita,

I thought about this point before. Actually, I thought about it as a response to what the mother used to say (again and again.. and again) that, paraphrased, that my suffering is incomparable to hers. Actually, she didn’t acknowledge any suffering on my part. But my point, I countered her words (that I had a very good childhood, that I was so lucky, compared to her childhood) with: when a child is suffering, the child doesn’t have another person’s experience, only the child’s own experience. In other words, another person’s suffering does not alleviates the child’s suffering by comparison.

That’s true. Older generations used to say to their children “oh what are you complaining about?? I had it much worse than you!” And that’s true, in terms of poverty, disease, lack of medical care, wars, famine etc, i.e. objective external circumstances, which made the life of many people very hard in the past.

But a child’s suffering can be the result of abuse – deliberate physical and emotional abuse by their parents – which is I think the greatest kind of suffering. To receive abuse from those who are supposed to love you and protect you from harm. And to receive it at such an early age, when our brain and our personality is still forming. That’s an incredibly heartbreaking and traumatizing experience, with life-long consequences.

Still, what I meant is that Viktor Frankl’s suffering – being a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp – is a much more horrifying experience than me suffering from knee and spine issues. I am suffering, both physically and emotionally, but still, it’s completely different than his type of suffering. But I can still relate to his notion of finding meaning in life, which can help us transcend suffering, or not focus exclusively on our suffering.

I think Copilot did a great job explaining Viktor Frankl’s theory, i.e. the reasons why some people transcend suffering and others don’t.

Meaning as motivation: Frankl believed that the primary human drive is not pleasure or power, but meaning. Those who found meaning—even in suffering—were able to endure unimaginable conditions. (my comment: this is what you do, what you expressed repeatedly!)

This is interesting to me: I know theories that claim that the primary human drive is pleasure, but I don’t completely agree with it. Because sometimes we are driven by higher motives, e.g. standing up for truth, even if it might get us in trouble. Or helping another person, even if it might put us in danger. So pleasure as the main human drive is a limited view, I believe.

Unfortunately, some people are indeed driven by power (as we can see among politicians and narcissistic people in general), but again, not the majority.

My theory is that people who experience a lot of suffering as children are more prone to searching for meaning, because they can’t find joy and fulfillment in everyday life and relationships. I think that when we’re suffering, when we’re deprived in some way, that’s when we’re more prone to ask those deep, existential questions.

Perhaps it can be said that we as humans seek fulfillment, seek a state of joy, happiness (which involves pleasure too, but is not limited to it), and a sense that our life has a meaning beyond meeting our physical, bodily needs.

Anyway, meaning as the main human drive does seem more plausible than pleasure or power, so I agree with Frankl 🙂

“* Spiritual freedom: He emphasized that even in the most brutal circumstances, people retained the freedom to choose their attitude. This inner freedom allowed some to rise above their suffering. (my comment: you didn’t read the book, Tee, but this is what you do, what you practice!)

Yes, I needed to change my attitude because the alternative would be believing that I am helpless and doomed, which leads to depression. If I chose to think negatively, I would be harming myself even further.

I think that’s what they call the second arrow of suffering in Buddhism: thinking negatively and making negative conclusions about life (and about one’s own future) based on the suffering that we are already experiencing. Catastrophizing, thinking that I’m doomed because of my knee (and spine) problems, would be the second arrow of suffering.

Responsibility to others: Many prisoners who survived did so by focusing on loved ones, unfinished work, or a sense of duty. This outward focus often led them to help others despite their own pain. (.. My comment: this is what you’ve done for years in these forums, helping or trying to help others despite your own pain. And you ARE helping me!)

Thank you, Anita. Well, there were times when I withdrew from the forums when I was in a lot of pain, because I couldn’t focus on much more than my own pain. But this time I stayed, and I am glad I did. It did help me take the focus off of my problems. And I wanted to keep supporting you, so that was a strong motivation too ❤️

I also like Copilot’s explanation of why some people get stuck in trauma and/or become abusive themselves: loss of meaning, dehumanization, as well as personal choice:

“* Moral choice: Frankl insisted that suffering does not automatically ennoble a person. It presents a challenge—some rise to it, others succumb. He wrote, ‘Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision… to become worthy of one’s suffering or to ignore it’.

I just don’t quite get what he means by “to become worthy of one’s suffering”. It almost sounds as if suffering is something noble… I don’t think it is, but it can still ennoble a person. It can still make us more empathic towards other people, for example.

I’ve just looked it up, and it’s apparently a thought that originally came from Dostoevsky, and it basically means that we shouldn’t get stuck in the victim mentality but use our suffering to become better (or stronger, more resilient) people, to learn from it. That’s what Viktor Frankl advocated too… so okay, I get it now and I agree 🙂

“Key Quote- ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ — Viktor Frankl”

You didn’t read the book, Tee, but you embody its messages, you are passing them on, amazing!

Oh yes, that’s one of his most famous quotes. That’s what we’ve been discussing in these past months here on the forums: about pausing and stopping (and centering ourselves in our heart) before responding. And how that contributes to non-violent communication. That’s been a lesson for me too and something I am paying more attention to now.

Yes, drowned in despair but not quite.. my mother rose above her despair in a way, rose above it so to use it as a weapon, hence the shaming, the guilt-tripping, the violence.

That’s a very good observation, Anita. Some people get drowned in trauma, in the sense that they become self-destructive, but they don’t seek to destroy others in the process. Some people on the other hand choose to subdue and dominate others, probably as a way to compensate for what they’re missing.

yes, blind spot. Interestingly perhaps, he was an American whose parents were Moroccan, the same country of origin as my mother’s.

Oh perhaps that was his blind spot, coming from a similar culture like you? Maybe he couldn’t imagine cutting contact with his own parents, and so he was a little judgmental/uncomfortable with the idea…

Again, a first, no one has ever said that to me.. When I told my sister about some of this, she dismissed it as.. just the way she is, something like that, as in.. no big deal type thing.

I guess you were discussing it with your sister only later, as adults? As an adult, she might have rationalized it as not a big deal, but it is a big deal and very harmful for a child.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Dear Anita,

It was very interesting to read about your Uncle Morris and how he, in spite of also having grown up as an orphan and having been severely beaten, managed to become an emotionally healthy and kind person:

Yes, he was orphaned too and while she was sent to an orphanage kind of institution, and later, lived with her very abusive older sister, he was sent to live in a Kibbutz where he was terribly abused, mercilessly beaten on a regular basis by one of the kibbutz’s residents, a sadistic holocaust survivor- for a long, long time. That abuse may have been the reason for his severe seizures/ epilepsy.

For some reason, unlike the other siblings, he was interested in reading about psychology, got himself self-educated and attentive to the psychological development of his children. Each one of them grew up to be a unique individual with his/ her own unique path in life, and successful (last I remember.. and I remember wondering how it came up to be many years ago).

It seems that indeed, something was different about him, and he chose to rise above his trauma instead of perpetuating it and transferring it to the next generation.

It reminds me of Viktor Frankl, who too was a Holocaust survivor, but instead of becoming sadistic like your uncle’s abuser, he used his experience in concentrations camps to write his best-selling book “Man’s search for meaning”. I haven’t read the book yet, but I think it talks about finding meaning as a way of transcending pain and suffering. And I relate to that, even though my suffering is incomparable to his.

The way I see it: Viktor Frank transcended his trauma and didn’t let it destroy him. Other people, such as your mother, her older sister, and that sadistic Kibbutz resident, got drowned in it, I suppose, and found horrible ways to cope – by becoming abusers themselves.

I suppose your uncle wanted to alleviate his pain and suffering: that’s why he started reading self-help books and got interested in psychology. Whereas your mother (and my mother) decided that life is suffering – period, and that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. It’s like they got stuck in their trauma and in the victim mentality – and as a result, they made not only their own lives miserable, but also the lives of those around them.

Yes, I did share (2011-13) and I received enough support from my therapist at the time to decide (2013) to end contact with the mother. But what happened next was very disappointing to me, almost heart breaking: he did not support my decision. He was neither for it or against it. He definitely did not express approval of it. So, I thought: if he agreed with me about how terrible it was, why wouldn’t he support ending contact with her?

I interpreted his lack of approval and support as.. a repeat of any of the messages you listed above, as well as this message: Mother is Always Right (even when she is wrong), and A daughter Must Never End Contact with Her Mother No Matter What.

Shortly after, therapy ended as I left the State to another.

Wow, that is disappointing that your therapist didn’t support you when you decided to end contact with your mother. He knew that your mother was very abusive and would make you depressed every time you visited her or talked to her on the phone. Like, why would you expose yourself to more of her abuse – just to follow some social norms, or to appear “grown up” and “mature”?

Yeah, I can see why you didn’t feel like continuing therapy with him. I can imagine this was a blind spot of his, where he didn’t really see things clearly…

She shamed everyone’s bodies, meaning, in her conversations with her sisters, mostly on the phone, she’d gossip a lot and talk in derogatory ways about women’s bodies, how faulty they are (for not being model-like perfect), how they should be ashamed of themselves for not adequately covering their imperfections with loose/ modest clothing & such. There was a whole lot of such talking that I heard second hand. She used very vulgar words for a woman’s.. private part in her conversations. And there was no way to not hear her talking because the apartment was a very small 1-bdr apartment.

As a child and onward, I knew about neighbors’ and cousins’ sexual practices because she talked about such on the phone. A lot. And there was a lot of shaming involved. There was absolutely no censorship in her talking to her sisters on the phone (or in person), considering there was a child present. I remember seeing the people she talked about in real life and having the images in my mind of what they were doing sexually. It was very unpleasant for me to have those images.

My goodness! Using vulgar, explicit language in front of the child, and commenting other people’s sexual lives in front of you – that’s totally inappropriate and abusive. It was exposing you to inappropriate sexual content – violating the innocence of a child’s mind. :\

As far as the bathing as a teenager- that was excruciating. It was traumatic. To say NO to her didn’t even cross my mind. Not an option.

Yes, I can imagine. By that time you were already conditioned to accept everything, or else face her rage, or her suicide threats… 🙁

But at one point on, I negotiated and was allowed to wash parts of me on my own. And at one point on, I was to be in the bathroom alone and was myself on my own, then call her to come in and wash my back and head only(she said I couldn’t do it right on my own).

Good for you! You did manage you negotiate something for yourself. You did show some agency, you did stand up for yourself, even if just a little. But I can imagine how excruciatingly painful and embarrassing that whole experience was, and how horribly you felt about it.

All this part I just shared, I didn’t share it with my therapist at the time.. or if I did, only a tiny bit of it (don’t remember at all)

I can understand why – he was a man, so that might have been one reason. It’s hard to share such intimate things with a person of the opposite sex…

When I read the word “receiving” in “we should be mostly just receiving”, as in, the inner child receiving.. I felt alarmed, as in receiving the mother’s hands on my naked body, or receiving her hands scrubbing my hurting scalp..

Right… receiving anything from her was toxic, felt like a violation. Perhaps what would help is to always imagine adult Anita (AA) next to LGA, whenever you think of your inner child? Maybe adult Anita should become LGA’s chaperone and a trusted person, so that no one can get to LGA, unless approved by AA? I wonder if that’s something that would make you feel safer?

Oh, and by the way, I started incorporating strengthening the quadriceps into my daily exercise yesterday, following your advice (strengthening the gluteus muscles has been part of my daily exercise for years).

Good to hear that! Have you noticed any difference?

And good job being so conscientious about physical exercise over the years! I’m sure it will help you stay fit and healthy for a long time! (flexed muscle emoji 🙂 )

* correction: owns your body

Dear Anita,

actually I was feeling quite good yesterday, not too much pain thankfully. It’s a good feeling to be pain-free, or almost pain-free in my body, even if it’s just for a short while. So I appreciated it. 🙏 Let’s hope today will be similar 🤞😊

Again, no one has ever said these words to me. If only someone said this to me when I was 18, 28, 38.. struggling with severe depression. Everyone has always been For Mother (any mother) and against anyone who spoke against mother.

Societal Empathy and Allegiance has Always been With Mother…

I’m sorry that no one acknowledged your pain before… I can imagine people back at home told you platitudes, like “your mother did the best she could, she sacrificed so much for you, you should be grateful to your mother, your mother loves you”, and stuff like that, right? What about later, in therapy? Have you talked about your childhood in therapy?

You are hearing me, Tee, saying: yes, it really happened. I hear you. I believe you.

Yes, I really do. I hear you. I believe you. I trust that it happened. And that it was horrific 🙁

As I wrote “my chest”, I felt ashamed, ashamed of having a chest.. meaning having a female chest.. So much shame about.. well, I’m too ashamed to talk about it. So much shame she inflicted on me for.. well, for the body being anything different from a clean, plastic doll’s body, genderless.. plasticly clean.

I’ve received a small portion of the similar type of shaming from my mother too. It wasn’t nearly as extensive, but I’ve never felt good in my body. I felt ashamed of myself, and that included my body too.

I can imagine how painful it was for you to hear those shaming words… I’m now thinking that she used to bathe you and dress you into your teenage years. Is that when the body-related shaming started?

I hope this is not too much for you, Tee..?

It’s not too much, Anita. I’ve experienced a small portion of it myself, so I understand.

What is more challenging to me is how to help you, since I’m not a therapist. And so I’m thinking that I should refrain from suggesting various corrective exercises, since some of those might be triggering for you.

I’m almost sure that you would benefit from some type of somatic therapy, e.g. Somatic Experiencing (which I think you mentioned in a response to a member a while ago). Because it involves working with the body (where the trauma is stored), but in a very gentle, gradual way, so that you never get overwhelmed. I think somatic therapy involves various corrective exercises too, but again, it happens in an orderly way, tailored to each individual’s needs.

So I’m a bit reluctant to suggest those exercises, because I’m not an expert, and trauma healing is best done with expert guidance…

I am a good little girl. I deserve love and appreciation. I always did. I was always a good little girl. I deserved acceptance, acceptance of the human body I found myself in, living with it in peace. I deserve gentle coaching, being taught how to live, how to make choices, to have agency in my life, to love myself and hold myself accountable for my words and actions today and every day.

Those are all very good affirmations, Anita. Just one observation, if I may: I think that from the perspective of the inner child, you don’t even need to put a stress on holding yourself accountable. Because being a child is primarily about feeling loved, cared for, and care-free. Holding yourself accountable is more a feature of your adult self.

So perhaps your inner child – little girl Anita – should simply be loved, nurtured, gently held, soothed… (by your adult self), without any expectations on her, including the expectation to be accountable for her words and actions.

Expectations come later in life, but as infants and toddlers, we should be mostly just receiving, without being expected to give anything in return (now it occurs to me that it would be the closest feeling to unconditional love, I guess: just receiving the goodness, soaking it in, and not being expected to earn it in any way).

What do you say?

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

P.S. I’ll reply to the rest in another post, hopefully later today.

Dear Anita,

Tee keeps her promises, thank you 😊 🙏

Haha, mostly yes, except when I have an acute health issue and then my health anxiety spikes and I can’t focus on much else… but yeah, so far so good with this latest flare-up 😊

thank you for your sensitivity. I thought about contacting him long ago, but was afraid that it will reach her and cause her pain that I reached him, as in a betrayal of her (while being in no contact with her).

Remember I shared that she looked at me threateningly when he was curious about me, and kind to me..?

I was afraid of her (what she will do to me if I open up to anyone) and for her (that she would be so very hurt if I did).

I totally understand you. You didn’t want to hurt her and you didn’t want to get yourself in trouble either. You were afraid of her reaction. All understandable, Anita.

Now, it’s been so many years, uncle Morris probably didn’t think of me for a very, very long time. i wouldn’t want to trouble him- potentially- in his last days.

Yes… perhaps you can inquire about him at your sister? But I understand that you don’t want to stir the pot now, causing commotion, and that you feel it’s better to keep things as they are. These are difficult and delicate things, by all means.

“loved ones”- not one they love, not one she loved (me), but the one who loved her.

Absolutely… you loved her, she didn’t love you…

there is a shift in the making.

I’m happy about that ❤️

As for your knee pain:

no, I avoid doctors and medical appointments. I have no doubt that at least one issue is osteoarthritis.

At this point it’s probably just a mild osteoarthritis, since you can still complete your daily walk without significant pain, right?

If that’s the case, I suggest looking into preventative measures such as food supplements and physical exercise, specially strengthening the quadriceps and gluteus muscles, because that helps take the pressure off the knee joint. The stronger the muscles, the less stress on the joint.

Hmm. I wouldn’t go to a swimming pool because I wouldn’t want to be seen in a swimming suit, at least not of the regular kind. Nor would I want to see others

Haha… I’ve got different concerns, part of it is hygiene, but also some other impracticalities… so I’m really not keen on going to swimming pools. But at the same time, I know it could help me, so by not going, I’m not doing myself a favor…

Thank you for your kind words, Copilot couldn’t or wouldn’t have said it better! I hope that by the time you are reading this message, you are still feeling better

You’re welcome, Anita. My back is feeling better, thankfully, but now my neck started hurting 😕, probably due to poor posture. I’m hoping to discuss all this with my orthopedic doctor, and get a good protocol for physical therapy 🤞

Oh, I forgot to add: no more messages from Copilot to you, Tee, now that I know that you wouldn’t like it

Thanks Anita, yeah, I want to treat AI as a machine, not a person, and so I’m quite resistant to its “empathy” because I know it’s just a program. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very useful for getting facts and information (although it’s not 100% reliable either, because I had examples where it gave me false information, although that was rare). Anyway, facts and data – yes, emotional support no – that’s my stance towards AI 🙂

But as I said, I very much appreciate your care and concern, and empathy ❤️

Dear Alessa,

good to hear from you! ❤️

Yes, I’m doing better thankfully, but haven’t started physical therapy yet. I’m waiting for my old orthopedic doctor (whom I trust) to recommend a protocol that I can follow. Because I want to be sure not to aggravate the pain with wrong moves…

Yes, basically! I do think I’m a bit too receptive. I tend to push myself beyond the point where I’m comfortable, especially if the other person feels bad about something. I think I need to cut things off a bit sooner.

Right… you’re an empath, it seems to me, and really keen on helping people, but you need to take care of yourself too. You cannot spread yourself thin, specially if the person is a difficult one and kind of never happy, always complaining, always having issues that they expect you to take care of (or even if they don’t expect you, that you feel like it’s your duty to take care of).

I’ve been looking into communication techniques to help with this since I have a habit of shutting down and withdrawing as well.

Yeah, if you have a habit of oscillating between being eager and trying to help and then feeling overwhelmed after a while and withdrawing, perhaps it would make sense to sort of first decide with yourself on the level of engagement that you would prefer with a particular person: what it is that would feel comfortable and not too enmeshed (which leads to burnout), but also not too withdrawn, which doesn’t make you feel good either, it seems.

So to decide what would be a comfortable engagement level, or engagement intensity for you. If that makes sense?

I was thinking about what you said. Thank you for encouraging me to not dismiss my own needs. After reflecting, I think I have been doing that a bit. I do let a lot slide.

You’re welcome! I do hope you won’t dismiss your needs and you will stand up for yourself when needed.

It is hard to deal with things without putting pressure on people.

Right, especially if that’s someone you depend on, e.g. you need them to help you out. If they’re not keeping their part of the deal, it’s hard to look away and not put pressure on them, since it’s something you really need from them and are not getting.

I think because of my autism, ptsd, postpartum depression, having a child and no child care. Plus in general, there has been a lot of stress in my life too. It’s been one thing after another for the past couple of years. It’s created a bit of a crisis and I do try my best to just keep things calm as opposed to dealing with everything.

I hear you, Alessa. It seems one problem is that you don’t have help with child care and that you have to take care of a lot of the things alone. I don’t want to be insensitive and pry, but I understand it’s hard to be in a situation like that. It does put a lot of stress on the person.

And if you add to that other conditions, such as autism, PTSD, postpartum depression, chronic health issues.. it’s really a lot. I can imagine it’s hard for you, Alessa ❤️

And I wish you would have more help with certain things. Is your son going to qualify for nursery soon?

But I’m starting to see that the downside to things piling up is resentment. I guess I’m going to have to prioritise and try to clear my plate so to speak.

Yes, I’d encourage you to seek help if anyhow possible and/or try to clear your plate, so you don’t take on duties that are not yours to take care of. To truly try to take care of yourself as much as possible ❤️

Hmm well it is hard to let go of the desire to feel accepted by people we care about. I think I’m stubborn and not afraid of hard work.

I know, Alessa. Sometimes the people we really care about aren’t able to give us what we need, because they’re preoccupied with themselves. Sometimes we won’t get their love and acceptance even if we invest a lot of hard work in trying. That’s what I’ve experienced with my mother, for example.

But of course, people are different and sometimes it makes sense to put effort in the relationship, especially if the other person is putting some effort on their part too and if things are not one-sided. ❤️

I do need to do a better job of taking care of myself though. It’s no good if I burn out trying to take care of everyone else. Just going to politely have to say no sometimes.

Yes, definitely! Please take care of yourself, because you know the metaphor: you first need to put on your own oxygen mask, because if you burn out, you’re not helping anyone, specially not your son! ❤️❤️