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  • in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446352
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wish I could be more than I was, so to be there for you the way you needed someone to be there for you.

    you are absolutely enough! <3 You don’t need to be more or give more than you’re already giving. Luckily, I wasn’t all alone in my pain. My husband was there with me, supporting me, both physically and emotionally. I couldn’t have done it alone. So don’t worry, I didn’t suffer all by myself, even though I wasn’t present on the forums.

    You’re doing a great service to so many people, so please don’t feel bad about “not being enough”!

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446348
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for kind offer.

    Tee, I have to admit—it feels a little strange to be offering you support, after all the years you’ve spent helping so many people on the forums with their struggles, and doing such a remarkable job at it. It makes me wonder—what could I possibly say that you don’t already know?

    I was touched when I saw that you’ve reached out to me this March and expressed your good wishes and hope that I’d return to the forums (I haven’t seen it at the time you posted, but only now, in May). It showed how much you care, and it meant a lot to me. Already that in itself is a huge support – acknowledging someone, expressing you’re thinking of them and hoping they are doing fine. It really is, Anita. I don’t think there is anything else you need to do to help me at the moment. And I kind of am not actively asking for help – I need to put my own insights into practice, choosing trust over fear. So wish me luck with that! 🙂

    Please don’t disappear again, Tee. If there is any way I can help you, in a way I wasn’t able or willing to help you before- please let me know. Don’t go back to Isolation and Depression. I care about you, Tee (previously TeaK.. remember?)

    To be honest, writing each single post takes me quite a lot of time. I am very slow, and I cannot be super active on the forums with other activities in my life. I can’t become a regular contributor, like you are. But I returned to show that I am alive and not to betray the people I was communicating with. And I am glad that I returned and felt your warm welcome! <3

    (previously TeaK.. remember?
    I do remember, and there is a reason I’ve changed my user name. So I’d like to stay Tee, if possible 🙂 Thanks!

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446332
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you. Yes, learned helplessness is one of my key issues. I was programmed to feel helpless and to see every problem not as a challenge to master, but as an insurmountable obstacle and something that is dangerous and might get me in trouble. So I was taught to be afraid of challenges – both because they are scary and also because I don’t have the necessary abilities and skills to solve them (according to my mother). Which basically lead to paralysis…

    “The courage to change the things I can” – yes, it took me till recently to understand that I didn’t believe I can change some things – because I (unconsciously) believed that I was doomed from the start.

    I also want to add that physical pain affects me deeply. My tendency is to catastrophize it, fearing it will never improve and will always limit me.

    I had a similar experience with back pain, which lasted for almost 1.5 years. It was a totally new and scary experience to live with chronic pain, which fluctuates and comes back again and again, and you realize you’ll never be free from it. It did get better though, and I’m not feeling as fragile and helpless as before. I don’t feel like a helpless victim to my back pain. So I did develop some resilience there, both physical and psychological.

    The thought of losing the ability to walk is frightening. I know many people in real life who struggle with knee pain, experiencing discomfort while walking. Among those who had knee replacement surgery, the majority saw significant improvement, and some even became completely pain-free.

    Knee replacement is waiting for me too, down the line, but it’s best to postpone it till a certain age, because the artificial knee has an expiry date, and once you had it “installed”, it needs to serve you for life. So… you don’t want to put it in too soon, if you know what I mean 🙂 And it’s a major surgery, which in itself comes with some risks and a long recovery time, so it’s better to postpone it as much as possible.

    Thank you Anita for your valuable feedback, your help, support and continued presence! Keep shining! 🙂 <3

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446321
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Alessa,

    thank you so much, that’s so kind of you! <3

    Yeah, health has been a major “catalyst” for me – causing me great pain, but also leading me to greater insights about my core issues. I’ve realized I am not only physically limited, but also that I am holding limiting beliefs, which have held me back for a long time. And the true limitation was my belief that I was doomed to fail. That there is no point in trying, because I would fail anyway.

    I wasn’t aware of this false belief, but I’ve been definitely feeling its consequences: being stuck, unable to make a move, forever procrastinating. Perhaps it’s not by chance that my physical issues are all about being limited in movement…

    Alessa, thank you again for you welcoming words! Wishing us all healing and thriving!

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dafne,

    I am so sorry to have left you hanging and disappearing on you. I got into a difficult spot health-wise and fell into depression, because no treatment seemed to help. I talked about it a bit more on the other thread.

    But then I saw that Anita has your back and is helping you, and I felt a little less guilty for disappearing like that. I hope you can forgive me, though I know I should have at least let you know that I am still around (alive, but not really kicking 🙂 ), because you said you were worried about me. I am very sorry about that.

    I’ve read through your exchange with Anita, and I am glad that with Anita’s help, you’ve become even more aware of the bad influence your mother has on you. And that you’ve decided to go to a retreat and spend some time away from that abusive environment. Have you managed to do that?

    I too believe you need to separate yourself, both physically and emotionally from your mother. Because I’ve been learning some more about toxic parents, and one key problem is our enmeshment with them. They don’t let us be a separate person, they feel like they possess us. And indeed, she doesn’t let you move away, she always blackmails you and guilt trips you back into her abusive “embrace.” It’s always like that with toxic parents: they have a hold on us and they don’t let us go (or let us be).

    I do hope you are not giving up on gaining your freedom from abuse. I’ve come across additional online resources on how to do that – how to liberate ourselves from the grip of abusive parents – and I’ll be happy to share them with you.

    I hope you are fine and hanging in there, Dafne! Sending you lots of love <3

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446318
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you so much for your kind words. I am grateful for your contributions as well, for being there for people consistently, offering help and support to everyone in need. Your care and dedication have been truly remarkable! I hope you stay around for a long time! <3

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #446315
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    it’s been a very long time, and I sincerely apologize for the silence, but it’s been a challenging period, ever since last September.

    I’ve been having issues with my mobility for the past 5 years or so, but in September my condition suddenly deteriorated, and I couldn’t even walk for a few minutes without pain. This was a totally unexpected deterioration and it wouldn’t get better, no matter what I tried. The treatment that I was having high hopes for and that had a chance of bringing significant improvement largely failed too.

    And so I fell into a deep depression, because I felt pretty much doomed. For the last 5 years, I’d been having a string of bad luck with my health, and this seemed like the last nail in the coffin. I felt as if God or a higher power is against me, deliberately giving me these blows, sabotaging me, not allowing me to be happy. Or at best not caring about me, letting me suffer alone. And I thought to myself – well if God is against me, then how can I possibly ever thrive? How can I ever succeed? I truly felt doomed at the time.

    But then, after pages and pages of self-reflection, I’ve realized that this negative and hostile “higher power” is in fact my mother. To me as a child, she was a “higher power” and omnipotent. In fact, Anita used to talk about our parents being like gods to us, and it helped me come to the realization that my mother is this negative, hostile “higher power”, who is against me. And that I’ve been projecting my own parents onto my image of God.

    Which was a huge revelation! It helped me to become more hopeful and optimistic, in spite of being in a pretty bad place health-wise. It helped me accept that a different reality is possible, even though my current reality was pain and suffering. Dr. Joe Dispenza’s videos and testimonies of miraculous healings (which to me proved the existence of a benevolent higher power, who wants us to thrive in life) helped me too.

    Over the next few months my knee got a bit better, not quite as before last September, but there are periods without pain and I can go for short walks, which is a huge blessing. And I’ve realized many other things regarding my mother and her “programming”, which explain why I’ve always felt stuck regarding my career, and why I’ve never managed to fulfill my dreams. I feel those blocks are getting weaker and the deeply held fears are slowly melting.

    The new day is hopefully coming, the new dawn, I hope… The false belief (that I am doomed) is gone. But there’s a long way before me. I need to start putting one foot before the other, walking the walk, feeling the fear, but doing it anyway… But I truly hope it’s possible, now that the false core belief is gone.

    How have you been, SereneWolf? Still slowmading?

    Thank you so much for your kind words, for your continual support and for being so gracious and understanding about my disappearances. I know it’s not the best feature of mine. I tend to withdraw when I am in pain, rather than seek support and connection. I curl into my own cocoon. But by doing that, I abandon people who might need my help and support. I am sorry for that.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #436043
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    yes I am fine, sorry for disappearing again. I was on holidays and didn’t really have time to sit down and focus for too long. I hope to get back to routine soon and reply…

    Are you yourself doing alright?

     

    in reply to: How can I do what I wan’t to do with joy? #435314
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Beni,

    It sometimes feels like that I am my mom and my self is this thing I can’t control. And all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself. It would just do what it is supposed to do.

    I think what I meant was that some parts are actually not me, they are someone else. This part’s I send away. These parts often also make me doubt my own boundaries and needs.

    It’s like a part of her in me. I want that part to go away.

    This part is probably your inner critic: the internalized voice of your mother, who is telling you how you should live your life. Also, it seems this part criticizes and blames you for having needs of your own, for not putting your mother’s needs and wants first. It blames you for wanting to have a life of your own, separately of what she wants.

    This part could perhaps be called the “Mother pleaser” (or more generally, the people pleaser): the part of you that feels guilty (and unlovable) for having his own needs and wants.

    I think I had a breakthrough. I can suddenly say fuck off (in a nice way) to people and I say it to everything which appears in my experience and does not meet my needs. Even to myself and I noticed that I can just shake my body like a child which cannot sit still to shake of freeze.

    It seems you had a breakthrough in the ability to say No to your inner critic: when your inner critic (your “Mother pleaser”) criticizes you for not abiding to your mother’s wishes, you don’t feel guilty as you used to, but you tell it to f*** off. You don’t chastise yourself, but you respect your own boundaries, and your own needs. Is that what’s happening?

    My body is very clear about that. It feels like no way. I tried to start a process with my dad but I think he lacks the empathy and curiosity to make me feel save. So I could open up and we could find a way which I can attend.

    What do you feel you need from him so you could attend the party? What is it that you fear the most might happen at the party (if you feel comfortable answering)?

    I think the main thing is that my mum said:” I don’t even know if you attend at the birthday”. From that point on it shifted and it feels too dangerous to risk my integrity.

    Do you feel that was a criticism from your mother? That she was chastising you for not wanting to be at the party (thus showing a lack of empathy and understanding for you)?

    I feel it’s unfair to my dad cause he got in between also I do not know anyone else who could help, my mom has no close friends. I could call her psychiatrist.

    You mean you would like someone (e.g. her psychiatrist) to talk to your mother, so she would change her behavior towards you, and would stop hurting you with her demands and expectations? So you would feel safer around her?

    If so, I am afraid that’s not a realistic expectation, because you can’t really control her behavior. What you can control is your reaction to her behavior.

    For example, if you want to feel safe around her, you would need to be able to set healthy boundaries, rather than expect her to be perfectly compassionate and not hurt you with her behavior. In other words, you would need to stop hoping that she would change – you would need to change so that her behavior isn’t hurting you and throwing you off balance anymore.

    I am not claiming that you indeed are expecting your mother to change, but mentioning it just in case, because that’s often what we hope for: that our parents would finally change and give us what they haven’t given us in childhood. Which is a misguided hope…

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Dafne,

    happy to hear from you!

    How is your summer going? I hope you are doing better and that your spirits are lifted a little bit with better weather

    Oh the weather is super hot, even too hot, and I am looking forward to going to holidays and splashing myself into the water 🙂 In fact, I am in the process of packing right now, so don’t have too much time to answer. But I would like to express my appreciation for your kind words, which truly warm my heart. I am happy I could help you and ease your struggles a little.

    I will reply in a greater detail when I have more time, but for now, I just want to say that you dodged a bullet by not staying with your fiance. Because I can see that he was indeed using you as a maid and a care-taker for his (rather spoiled) kids, was restricting food from you, lying about his eating preferences, ordering takeaway for him and his kids, and nothing for you. Also, expecting you to cook for them – so to serve them, and in exchange to receive only breadcrumbs.

    Also, he was telling you to keep a low profile, so not to provoke his ex-wife and make her cooperative with regard to the house:

    He told me to not be too visible to his ex-wife (showing our pictures on social media etc.) so she wouldn’t claim the house.

    Although he already decided to leave the house to her and the kids:

    He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife.

    So he was manipulating you, trying to influence your behavior, although you wouldn’t get anything from the house anyway.

    All in all, he is a very negative, deceptive, lying person, and you are lucky that he left you!

    I must rush now, but will reply in more detail when I get the chance, hopefully soon.

    Till then, take care, dear Dafne <3

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #435040
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Yes. At least for few years. I’m guessing around 3 years and maybe after that something like Slowmading. But I believe slowmading would be better with a good partner. or if I’m already satisfied than just settle down in a good country that we like.

    Slowmading…. wow, that’s a completely new term to me, needed to look it up. It says: ”someone who travels slowly – spending anywhere from 2 to 6 months in the same place. Some slowmads might even spend a whole year with the same home base.” Okay, got it: first you want to be a nomad, then slowmad 🙂

    I believe it’d be more like living my values. And I think I’ll explore myself more while travelling and know my values on a deeper level.

    Okay cool, so you are being true to yourself and want to live in a way that reflects your true values. That’s admirable!

    You’re right indeed. Physically I’m not that scared. On a recent trip I just blindly follow group of friends because they approached me. But later on, at night lot of drinking and dancing happened. I did have some fun. But I know next time I’ll be more aware, my little friend scolded me for that a lot haha

    So you hooked up with someone, after having a lot to drink? Is that what you’re saying? And then your young friend scolded you for that?

    Okay tell me after how long time normally I should tell her? Because we can’t tell someone directly that are you ready for the serious relationship?

    I don’t know if you should specially declare it. In the old days, when I was dating 🙂 it was somehow understood that you mean seriously if you start dating someone. By seriously I don’t mean that you are planning to tie the knot with the person, but to have a committed relationship with no predefined expiry date. So the intention was to stay together for as long as it feels right… and then of course many times the relationship did expire because of various incompatibilities. People did break up. But the intention was to at least in theory have a long-term relationship (at least that was my intention 🙂 ).

    That’s why I think you’d need to work on your fear of intimacy before you can be ready for a serious relationship (or a potentially serious – because there are no guarantees that things will work out.) It’s not so crucial that you tell her that you mean seriously, but that you know it within yourself, and then act accordingly. That you aren’t afraid to develop those “strings” (emotional and physical bond), so that your relationship has “strings attached”.

    There’s a certain amount of time needs to be spent together. I’m asking how much time and after that asking for a serious thing is appropriate? Because I think being in hurry for that would even scare the good woman.

    I think the best is to let things develop organically. If someone is rushing things and suggests marriage on the first or second date, that’s of course suspicious and a red flag. But no woman (emotionally healthy woman) is afraid of a committed guy, who cares about her and is showing interest. Also, someone who listens to and takes into account her needs.

    So I don’t think you will scare her if you behave as if you mean seriously, relatively soon into the relationship. But I guess your problem is not that you’ll scare the woman with being too eager too soon. But rather you are scared of any kind of commitment (and specially of telling her that you mean seriously), because for you, commitment is tied to many negative things, things you are afraid of.

    Maybe you could write down what being in a committed relationship means to you. For example, it might mean the following:

    – giving up on my needs,

    – giving her the right to hurt me,

    – giving her the right to control me,

    – being seen as a bad person if I have my own needs,

    – being seen as a bad person if I don’t accept her wishes,

    – being seen as a bad person if I change my mind,

    – being seen as a bad person if I stand up for myself.

    Does any of the above sound true for you? If so, those would be false beliefs that you would need to dissolve before you can let go of your fear of commitment.

     

    I was talking to one my friend and then she be like don’t you miss me why you being left me on seen messages. And I simply told her that I have texting manners and I simply don’t like reply 2 text every 24 hours. That’s not how conversation works for me. I don’t mind if you’re busy and don’t talk it’s okay for me. But if you do want to talk have some texting manners first. I guess I did build a boundary there?

    Sorry, I didn’t quite get it: so this friend of yours has a habit of replying late, like 24 hours after you sent the text? And you’d like to receive a reply more swiftly and not have such a delay between messages, right?

    But good thing is that she understood. But I guess in romantic relationship I’d have the fear like what if she doesn’t understand that and take it wrong entirely?

    Well, you always have the option to explain what bothers you and what you’d like instead. You do have the option to express your preferences, set boundaries, etc… what we’ve been talking about recently. This should reduce your fear of feeling helpless and trapped in the relationship…

    I think that’s my biggest priority as of now. Believing in myself. My self-worth. My self-esteem. Because that would help me try to change these some deeper beliefs that I need to change. It would help also protect myself when I need it and almost every areas in my life. And it would also help in the self-love that I really need. I’m finding ways to increase the self worth. Because what’s happening is sometimes I’m also not even approaching the woman that I’m getting the good vibes from and that’s mainly because self-esteem.

    Okay, it’s good that you’ve identified one of your key problems: lack of self-esteem and the belief that you are not good enough, which also applies to intimate relationships. The impostor syndrome, where you believe that some women are out of your league and you are surprised that they would even be interested etc.

    So you’d need to keep working on your self-esteem, on believing that you are an asset, not an a** (similar word to asset, only without the last two letters 😀 ) Ha, this could be even used as an affirmation – provided that you don’t find it stupid or offensive 🙂

    Haha yes. But the thing even from my older friends circle I think I’m the most adventurous and rebel kid

    Cool! That’s why you’ll be nomading/slowmading for the next 3 years…

    Yup hard for me because I don’t like making them feeling discomforted because of me. Even though I’m hurt. But I’m trying

    That’s a reflex from your mother. She didn’t like it when you rebelled against your father, against his abuse. She was trying to appease him, to upset him as little as possible. (Which was very difficult because he was an angry man, who easily exploded with rage.) Anyway, she expected the same from you: to be appeasing, obedient and tolerant of your father’s abuse.

    You didn’t feel loved and accepted by your mother when you expressed your protest, your hurt and anger against your father. Now, as an adult, you probably project your mother into your romantic partners, believing that they would be hurt and upset if you expressed your needs. You believe they would react the same as your mother, who felt hurt when you were disobedient and rebellious towards your father.

    The truth is that if the girl is emotionally mature, she wouldn’t feel offended or threatened by your legitimate needs. Your mother did, but an emotionally healthy person wouldn’t.

    Yes I think I’m getting better at emotional regulation but it’s journey since I didn’t learn how to emotionally regulate myself since childhood

    Yes, the only option for you was to suppress your “negative” emotions (your anger and hurt), and so suppression became your automatic reaction. So now you’d need to feel all of your feelings (remember what Henry Cloud said: anger is a signal, not a solution). You don’t want to suppress your signalling system – because anger might be telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and that you are being violated. So you don’t want to suppress that very important signal.

    But you also want to learn how to respond appropriately, without lashing out and exploding with anger. That’s the task ahead of you: to feel the signal (i.e. feel all your emotions), and then to respond appropriately (in a balanced way).

    Oui madam, That’s why I’m thinking visiting a psychiatrist once, But my sister was like what if they make you start meds even with little to no symptoms. Because obviously it’s business for them. But those meds can have side effects

    Yeah, I am not an expert, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’d need to start taking medications. And if you go to a psychiatrist, I think that’s what they’ll suggest because that’s the main tool they have. I’d suggest finding another psychotherapist, if you feel the need for professional help, rather than going to a psychiatrist….

    One of the main symptoms for me is the very short focus span and low dopamine. He says about impulse regulation I think for me that part is good enough. But yeah tuning out is something more resonating like how I was ignoring my emotions for so long you know. and like you mentioned we’re not our limbic brain during that time

    When you say short focus span, you mean when focusing on work, right? It occurs to me now that if there are suppressed emotions in your subconscious (your inner child), they always want to come to the surface. And so you need to distract yourself with something pleasurable so you wouldn’t feel those unpleasant emotions. So perhaps ADHD for you is a way to distract yourself, so you wouldn’t feel the unpleasant emotions.

    Dopamine is high when we are motivated by a reward. If you feel not good enough, and that nothing you’ll achieve will ever be good enough – then it would make sense that your dopamine is low, because nothing can motivate you. Because every achievement seems futile – if it can never be good enough. Do you feel something like that? Like, the futility of even trying?

    Totally agree! I always tried being a “good boy” but no more of that sh*t!
    I’m trynna be more authentic even if I have to be blunt

    Yeah, and you can learn how to be polite and kind in your expression, and yet firm. You don’t need to be rude, and yet, you can keep your boundaries. But of course, that needs practice…

    I’m trying to speak up more though. Like recently again I raised my voice at my father. So I’m back to my hometown because my grandpa is very sick. But I was travelling and it was more than 2 days journey back to home. Even my sister said he’s sick but no need to be in rush. But my father was like what people and relatives would say that your grandpa is sick and you were not with him? And directly I told him that are you worried about what people what say or worried about Grandpa. Silence again.

    Good! You saw right through him – that appearances are more important to him than the real concern for his father – and you challenged him on that. And he didn’t know what to say – which is great! So you did speak up for yourself and refused his attempt to falsely accuse you of being inconsiderate/lacking empathy for your grandfather. Well done, SereneWolf!

     

    in reply to: How can I do what I wan’t to do with joy? #435026
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi Beni,

    I think I had a breakthrough. I can suddenly say fuck off (in a nice way) to people and I say it to everything which appears in my experience and does not meet my needs.

    Very good! So you can say No to the things you don’t want, to something that goes against your needs and your interests. Congratulations, Beni, that’s a big step!

    Even to myself and I noticed that I can just shake my body like a child which cannot sit still to shake of freeze.

    Also, you can say No to yourself. Is it in situations where you would want to indulge in things that you know are not good for you? Or in situations where your automatic reaction would be to freeze? But now you know better and you choose a more mature response, which is aligned with your true self?

    Thanks Tee it really makes a different.

    You are welcome, Beni, I am really glad this is helping you.

    Yes, she kinda knows that intellectually but she has not been able to change it. That’s why I want to stay away atm.

    Ah, she understands that you don’t want to be bossed around, but she can’t help but lash out from time to time, right?

    It’s the other way around I do those things when I can get out of freeze which keeps me comply.

    I mean I seek to have balance and stability but I will have my own strategies and not my mothers!

    Alright, so when you are in freeze, you are kind of depressed, doing nothing, perhaps using drugs to numb the pain? And then when you get out of freeze, you try to achieve some of your own goals, but you feel like your mother is trying to tell you what to do and what to achieve, so it feels like she is trying to control you?

    That would be in line with what you’ve said that you want to stay independent of her, and that refusing to clean the kitchen (i.e. refusing to obey her orders) is a way of maintaining that psychological independence. So perhaps staying in freeze is also a way to stay psychologically independent from her – because you are withdrawn in your own shell and unreachable to her, and so she cannot control you?

    Ah I do such things. Maybe I can hug me more. Meditation is like that.

    Good! I am glad you are practicing some of the somatic tools.

    I think if I can stay in the space I’m right now I’m saved let’s see what happens in the next weeks.

    You said that right now you are in the space where you are able to say No to other people’s requests, if they don’t align with your true needs. Do you think that with this new mindset, you’ll be able to participate in your father’s birthday party? Because earlier you said that you most probably won’t be able to go (My dad turns 60 and throws a big party I made shure I have time and I really want to go but right know it feels like I can’t go). Perhaps this has changed now?

     

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    you are welcome. I hope the same for you and wish you all the best!

    If you ever want to talk about learning how to love yourself, I am here. I needed to learn that too, and it only happened well into my adulthood.

    Godspeed to you!

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    When you have been put in that situation countless times, you end up hating yourself. But that hate won’t stop me from continuing to work towards fixing myself. That hate I have towards my flaws don’t mean I will give up.

    I stated all these things for you to UNDERSTAND how I feel. Me listing further proof should not be considered complaining.

    I understand how you feel, and I tried to help you stop hating yourself, because that’s possible too. You don’t need to live with that hate and march on, with your teeth clenched, like your father. You can change that basic feeling about yourself.

    What I can do right now is work on my healing. But the damage done has such a deep and strong root that it takes more than just a few suggestions to pull it out.

    I understand that too, and that’s why I suggested therapy. Reading about communication skills – which you have been doing – won’t be enough.

    And I am trying to show you that despite the suffering, it did serve some good. … Comparing that to the severe comments my parents made towards me, I definitely feel stronger than her.

    Yes, the abuse increased your endurance level – so you can take more abuse without reacting, without showing to your parents that it bothers you. But that’s not true strength. It’s the clenched teeth lifestyle, with lots of suppression and negative feelings about yourself.

    Anyway, I do hope you find solutions for your problems, solutions that involve more self-love and self-compassion, and less endurance of abuse.

     

    in reply to: How can I do what I wan’t to do with joy? #434801
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Beni,

    As I was reading your post, a few things stood out:

    I do not have many impulses to seek help

    I kinda treat myself like she treated me

    I’m quite often in a freeze response

    all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself.

    It sounds as if you don’t like that you have needs, and you also don’t like that you need other people to meet those needs. Because the people that should have met your needs (your parents) haven’t done the job properly: your mother burdened you with her own unmet emotional needs, to which you didn’t know how to respond but to freeze. And your father wasn’t emotionally present and couldn’t meet your needs either.

    I think that’s why you don’t have many impulses to seek help because that was futile in your childhood. You never had your needs met. And so you withdrew into your shell.

    I think about seeking help and sometimes I did as when I did this post. It takes long and at least I talk to people that I do not have many impulses to seek help.r I’d need an online therapist and I somehow need to create space for that person and do not know how. I mean you are supporting me in that way out of goodwill <3

    Yes, you did seek help here, and I am glad I could support you to a degree <3

     

    she beliefs it’s my duty as her child to support her. Yeah, you say the same thing. It’s most difficult do give to people who think it’s their born right to receive and take it for granted.

    I think I want her to really see me and see me equal. I have the same right to choose the task as she does. It’s not really about the task it’s about control and me making a statement that I do not wish to be controlled. I want to be asked what I would like to do and what is needed. I want my support to be valued and not taken for granted.

    Your mother didn’t meet your emotional needs – she didn’t give you what she was supposed to – and yet, she had (and still has) expectations on you, e.g. to clean the kitchen or provide other types of help in the household. She sometimes (when she is upset) raises her voice and tells you (sort of orders you) to clean the kitchen, but you don’t want to obey any kind of command, because you expect to be treated with respect. You don’t want to be bossed around. And so you don’t do it. You withdraw from the interaction, which makes her even more angry (having a fierce look).

    Isn’t it also about the people pleaser thing why I do that in the end? I’ve been thinking that I am dependent on her (subconscious). Cause I noticed that the things which stress her out like go traveling, working a regular job, not misusing drugs, having a girlfriend are things I struggle(d) creating for myself.

    Does it mean your mother sometimes criticizes you for changing places a lot, not having a regular job, misusing drugs, not having a girlfriend? And you feel guilty about those things. Or you want to please her and achieve those things?

    You say you’ve tried to achieve it in the past, but failed so far:

    I work on meeting my needs. I belief I need something like a family to be able to do a regular job and live at a place for longer than 1 month.

    The things I tried feel failed and I’m afraid if I fail again now it’s too painful.

    These needs – to have a family, a regular job, and a permanent address – seem to be more like your mother’s needs, not your own. I mean, these things might be expected of you, but are they really your needs? You did express you want to have a partner, but maybe a regular job not so much? I don’t know, I am just inquiring…

    When I was taking about meeting your needs, I meant more emotional needs such as self-soothing and self-care. Those are even physical needs, at the level of the nervous system: the need to feel calm in our body, the need to be held and supported and soothed.

    There are various somatic exercises for that, such as self-hug, or placing one hand on your belly and the other on your heart and breathing deeply. Those are basic, somatic needs – to feel safe and calm in our body.

    I think this would be the first task – to try to meet those needs yourself, or find a somatic therapist who can provide that safe space for you – both physically and emotionally safe space.

    You did say you need a hug from your mother. The goal would be to give yourself a nourishing, supportive hug. Or find a therapist who can give you such a hug. With no expectations from you – so that you can simply receive.

    I think such somatic practices would also help you with unfreezing. Because you might first need to feel safety in your nervous system, before you can start dreaming big dreams about the future and what you want to accomplish etc. You need to feel that someone has your back while you go out into the world to explore.

    It’s like creating a safe space, a place called emotional home. Where you can always go back to find soothing and encouragement. Which you didn’t have at home. So you’d need to create it now, and it’s best done with the help of a therapist you trust.

    All I can give is to give space to me and it seem I can’t get enough of it and have no control except that it always works out somehow. My dad turns 60 and throws a big party I made shure I have time and I really want to go but right know it feels like I can’t go. Now I’m creating space for that.

    Actually, when you say you are “creating space” for going to your father’s birthday party, what do you mean by that? Does it perhaps involve creating a feeling of safety in your body as well? Telling yourself that things will be fine, i.e. soothing yourself? What does it involve, if I may ask?

    Let me know if this whole idea of creating a physically and emotionally safe space resonates with you. I am not a therapist, so I am just guessing and throwing in ideas. I do hope it makes some sense though…

     

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