Dear Anita,

I just read your recent message with tears rolling down my eyes…

I hope this means you’re touched with what I wrote about finding your true self, and believing, finally, that you’re a good and worthy person 🤍 Finally accepting the truth of who you are 🌟

I’ve been told this evening that I need to cut down on my drinking- first time I’ve been told that

It seems you’re in the middle of the grieving process (denial, anger, and now depression), and that acceptance is still hard, because it seems like a great loss. And yes, it’s a significant loss, in which you lost a way of life that you cherished so much.

But even as it is hard and painful, I don’t consider it a devastating loss, because you still have all your capacities, including your health, to turn a new page and use your skills and talents in a new endeavor.

You’re now trying to soothe your pain with alcohol, but it’s never a good choice. I think that’s how you can really harm yourself. Try to sit with your pain instead, breathe through it, stay present, and perhaps tell yourself an affirmation, something like you’ve been already doing:

I peel off chronic shame, chronic guilt and self-doubt/ distrust in me, replacing these with love for myself, with being on my side, while the adult part of me keeps me accountable for my words and actions today and every day. Amen”.

Perhaps come up with another mantra or affirmation for this grieving process, something that will anchor you in your true self (kind, loving, hard-working, helpful). This may help you focus on what you’ve gained, not what you’ve lost. 🤍 🙏

You’ve said some very important things about the nature of your involvement with the Winery:

I never had a say on these matters. It has been a corporation of a few and I wasn’t one of the few. I just signed papers to make it possible for others to be in charge. I felt incompetent. Now I regret it, I could have made a positive difference. But it’s all in the past now.

I had no voice in regard to any financial decisions, not an owner. I saw things, heard things.. but had to keep it to myself. It would all be different if I could go back and redo.

I was never a legitimate entity to say anything. … I just didn’t know back then (4 years ago), that I was worthy to be an owner.. I thought all I could be was a helper to those who.. knew better (ha!) Low self-esteem.

I hear you… you never thought you were competent of worthy to be in charge, to make big, financial decisions. To be an owner. You felt better in the role of a helper – helping the owner(s), but not feeling good enough to offer your opinion, i.e. participate in decision making.

And yeah, that’s typical for people with lack of self-worth. I’ve experienced it too: I felt incompetent to say things, offer ideas for improvement, in a place I’ve worked for a while. The place later went out of business, due to poor management, and I regretted I’ve never said anything… perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference, but perhaps it would. Anyway, it was too late, the place was closed.

And I’ve later realized I was operating on a false belief that I have nothing of value to say. That my ideas and opinions are not important. That nobody would care what I have to say. Well, in this particular company perhaps the leadership wouldn’t care, but still, I would have felt better if I did say it. But it was my lack of self-worth that prevented me…

And that’s why I’m very happy that you’ve decided to never again silence yourself, negate yourself, consider yourself a non-entity:

I promise you, Tee- I will never again consider myself a non-entity in a mini-world where others know better. No! I do know better!!!

That’s fantastic to hear! I hope this will be another of your motives and principles in the future: to not annul yourself, but to be a subject in your own life. Not only a helper, but also a creator of your own destiny.

I just don’t know what to do with TIME when I am no longer engaged at the Winery. I mean, there’s lots of work to do here, it’s just that I got so attached and invested in being THERE.

I hope that with time, you’ll calm down and accept the idea that the Winery era is gone, but you’re still going strong. And then you might come up with other meaningful ways to spend your days. Because cleaning your home is certainly not very uplifting or fulfilling, at least not on the long run.

So perhaps there will be another endeavor, even a business venture, where you’ll feel motivated to be a part of. And perhaps have more say in it than before?

So I see this as a new beginning and a new opportunity for you to shine your light… and I hope the depression will lift soon enough! 🤞

🙏 🤍 🫶 🙏

Dear Anita,

regarding the taproom owner, I understand it a bit better now. It seems he’s someone who is “friendly” as a part of his business persona (mask), which is needed to keep the customers satisfied and coming for more. But you said that when he’s not serving alcohol, he mostly ignores the customers. You were friendly and helpful with him and his customers:

I engaged plenty with him in the last 2-3 years. I was very friendly, empathetic, attentive, as well as with his customers, making people feel comfortable, and being helpful to him whenever there.

But it seems he didn’t appreciate it (or not beyond it being good for the business), and perhaps wasn’t too interested in you and your life, including the winery. So perhaps you were interesting to him as a customer, but not as a person? (and I guess he has a similar attitude to other customers too…)

I started talking to people about 3 years ago (at the winery and at the taproom).

I’m very happy about that! It means you’ve managed to overcome social anxiety… that’s fantastic! 🫶 🙏

No, nothing was put on sale. People came by and asked to buy this or that, mostly big wine barrels, half of which costs $80 dollars in the store. They ended up paying only $25 a barrel. People asked for bigger discounts on wine bottles than was already offered (50%, more than the final sale of 40% already offered.. and received it).

Oh I see… so people were bargaining to get a steep discount, and even 40% wasn’t enough, they wanted more. Yeah, that’s already like vultures, trying to get the biggest possible bargain… and since you needed to get rid of the merchandise, you ended up giving it 😢

Yeah, it shows they didn’t care about you, no empathy for the closing business or its owners. They only cared abut themselves and getting a good “bargain”… sorry about that, Anita, that’s hard 😢

I hope you can still stand your ground with the new owner and not give in to her pressure. Or is it already a done deal and she got everything she wanted? I know it’s hard, because you probably didn’t have much choice and she could set her own conditions, right?

Yeah, sometimes it does feel like Greed Wins 😕

Ehh, sorry for not having much positive to say… I know it’s a loss, on many levels, and that it feels bad. But I hope that with time, you’ll be able to turn a new page and see this as a lesson, even though a bitter one, but also, that you’ll be able to remember the enjoyable parts of it with gladness 🤍

🤍 🫶 🙏

Dear Anita,

I’m keeping you in my prayers, that this transition period be not so hard on you 🙏

Because it is a big change, and something you definitely didn’t want, since you say you’ve been in denial about it (I was in denial of sorts that it was really on sale. I was hoping for a miracle.). So now, when it finally happened, it hit you hard, causing strong emotions, as well as anxiety about the future.

It seems you really loved the place, worked so hard, making sure everything is running smoothly. You worked both in the fields and inside, wherever there was a task that needed to be done – you were there to complete it. As Alessa said, you put your heart and soul into it. 🤍 You’ve even neglected your own house (BUT I neglected it big-time, being focused on the winery), putting all your efforts into the winery (and Tiny Buddha, of course 🙂 )

And of course, when you give something your everything, it hurts bad that it’s coming to an end, an unsatisfactory end 😕

The expenses were so huge (including a huge regular pay into insurance in case there’ll be lawsuits, and so many, many other costs), that there was never a profit to reach the few owners of the business.

Right.. so never in a four years was there a profit for the owners… I guess they were always hoping for better times, for the business to pick up? Perhaps they too wanted it so badly that they didn’t want to see the reality of it: that the expenses are huge and the income doesn’t cover them (or barely covers them)?

You said you had to pay huge sums towards potential lawsuits, and that you’re grateful that “no one got injured or died as a result of drinking alcohol here (I’d know about it through a lawsuit)”

I don’t understand that part: if it was legal to serve alcohol at the premises, why would the winery be responsible if someone gets injured as a result of alcohol consumption?

The new owners have done their best to minimize the tiny fraction.

I’m sorry about that, Anita 😢 I guess they offered a very low price, and the owners were forced to accept it, because keeping it was bringing more loss with each day, right?

No to both questions. It bothered me in the past that we were good customers in his business (the taproom, for years) and he never came by to the winery, never a customer.. not even coming by to look at it. But somehow, I suppressed that disappointment and it erupted (the disappointment) yesterday for the first time..

Okay, so you’ve never asked the taproom owner to come visit the winery, even though you were secretly hoping that he would… since you were such good customers. You were hoping he would show interest and reciprocate, but you’ve never expressed it to him.

I understand why you’re feeling disappointed that he didn’t just spontaneously decide to pay you a visit. But we don’t know what was in his head: maybe he would have if you had asked him, or maybe he wouldn’t. I’m not blaming you at all, just exploring the possibilities of why he’s never paid you a visit. I hope you don’t mind me doing that?

You said that you had pretty significant social anxiety, and that when in the company of people at various social events, you mostly listened, but you didn’t contribute to the conversation much (if I got that right?). So perhaps you haven’t talked much to him either, haven’t engaged in a conversation, and so he didn’t feel as close to you as to come visit the winery on its own accord?

Just thinking out loud here…

And the people who did show up, quite a few- were looking for freebies, or the lowest cost purchases from a dying/ closing business, like vultures.

Well, that’s human nature… nobody likes to pay more if not necessary. Probably those goods were put on sale, and people bought them?

But I guess what hurts more is that you didn’t get much empathy from the people who used to frequent the winery, such as that couple, Bruce and Carol? It’s like they didn’t care that the place is closing, they didn’t care about you… At least that’s the message they are sending, and it does hurt 😕

This change, this shift is devastating.. but I think I’m adjusting to it tonight. I think I’m starting to relax into this new reality.

That’s good… it is a big emotional shock, because it’s something you loved and didn’t want to let go. What’s good about it is that you’re most likely safe in terms of keeping the house and that you won’t become homeless. 🙏 And as you said, you’ve got your new focus:

First plan: CLEAN, ORGANIZE, REMOVE the too much stuff laying everywhere.. and mice (if I come across a rat in the house, I’ll be beside-beside-beside myself, scared to death!)

You said routine has always helped you calm down, so I guess you’ve got to find a new routine, perhaps around cleaning and organizing the house at first. And I guess you get to do your daily walks too.

I was thinking that you’re lucky that you’re in good health and mobile (something I’m very limited with), and that you’re able to do hard physical work – showing how healthy and strong you are. And I’d see it as a very valuable resource, which I would be over the moon to get back.

I’m not saying this to diminish your predicament, or to minimize your pain and loss. Not at all! I’m just saying that you’ve still got your health, which is super important. And you can start anew, invent your life anew.

I know that finances are very important too, and I hope that that sorts itself out. But if you find yourself spiraling into “oh my God, what’s going to happen to me now?!” kind of thinking, perhaps it can help to think that you’ve still got your health, and that you can use your strength and mobility and all other skills and talents in some new endeavors.

I hope you’ll feel more hopeful in the following days, as you’re accepting and relaxing into this new reality. Perhaps you can reframe it as a loss, but not a devastating, unrecoverable loss. You do have the ability to bounce back, and I’m sure you will! 🤍

Dear Anita, I’ll keep praying for you!

🙏 🤍 🫶 🤍 🙏

Dear Anita,

I’m sorry about the silence, but some new problems have popped up with my spine, presumably due to poor posture and long sitting at the computer… They popped up without any previous symptoms, out of the blue, although they’ve probably been in the making for some time… 😢

What to say but that I’m dumbfounded, angry and disappointed… but can’t do much else but to accept it and take some action/adjustments… plus another round of consulting with my orthopedic doctor and then probably physical therapy… ehhh 😢

This also means my messages will be shorter because right now my neck and shoulders are hurting when I’m writing on the computer..

I’m really sorry about you having spent 4 years working on the winery’s premises for free, pruning the orchards and doing all kind of physical work, as well as participating in social activities. You seemed to have a pretty rich social life there, and I understand you’re feeling sad that all of this is happening 😕… Is there any chance that the new owner would keep the taproom and the community events, or they will revamp everything?

I totally believe what you said that you’re a very hard-working person, because you are very hard-working on these forums as well, tirelessly replying to hundreds, even thousands of people over the years.

And I can imagine how hurtful it was to be hearing from your mother that you’re lazy and selfish, when you’re anything but!

Unfortunately, that’s how narcissistic people operate: put down the other person, so to weaken them and elevate yourself. But it’s especially heart-breaking to receive those false accusation from one’s own mother 😕

I do hope that you get to keep your house!! 🤞 🙏 And that there is a way to start anew… a fresh, new chapter in life? Although I know it’s easier said than done…

Dear Anita, my today’s post is full of sad and perplexed face emojis… because these don’t seem to be the best of times for either of us. But I hope better times are awaiting, and that it’s not just wishful thinking (something you’ve mentioned recently).. I hope and pray it’s not wishful thinking, but a real possibility 🤞 🙏

You said on the other thread you’re feeling a bit better today, so that’s good news 🤞 Hope that the following days, weeks and months flow smoothly for you!

🙏 🤍 🫶 ❤️ 🙏

Dear Anita,

I’m very sorry about the latest events in your life. 😢 Please share as much or as little about it as you feel comfortable…

But if I understood well, you now don’t have a place to stay (Don’t even know what’s next.. Living in a tent.. don’t know.), because you were staying at the premises of the old winery, which has been sold to a new owner?

I assume that you or someone related to you was the previous owner? And I’m very sorry for the financial loss and finding yourself in an unknown territory, needing to figure things out… 😢

I hope you do have a plan at least for the near future, and that you’ll have a place to stay?

As for the discussion with Alessa, I think it’s good that we talk about those things and refine our understanding.

It’s just occurred to me that parents who meet their children’s physical/material needs seem on the outside like good parents, because there are no visible signs of abuse or neglect, the child is well-kempt, and everything seems fine.

And I’m thinking that it is for those kind of parents that people often say (including their adult children later in life): “well, they did the best they could.” Because they had a job and put food on the table, which means they weren’t addicts, alcoholics, they haven’t abandoned their children, there was no domestic violence (at least not the kind where police would need to intervene)… so all in all, they led a seemingly orderly life (seen from the outside), and were hard-working parents.

But no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors, and what kind of emotional (and physical and even sexual) abuse a child is exposed to. It all happens covertly, without people knowing about it. Those parents aren’t good parents, but they’re considered good parents by societal standards, because they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child. But no one is asking what effect they have on the child’s psyche…

And I think we (society as a whole) need to become aware that providing for the child’s physical needs but destroying their psyche isn’t really good parenting…

Dear Alessa, I’m not saying you claimed that (that Anita’s mother was a good mother), just that to me, it sounded as if you echoed the often used argument that “she did the best she could” (meaning she worked hard and took care of her children’s physical/material needs). Which, in my opinion, is by far not enough – if the emotional/psychological needs are completely disregarded and severely violated.

Dear Anita, I’ll reply to your other posts a bit later, most probably tomorrow. As I said, I’m sorry about this significant loss and change in your life, and hope that you do have plans for the immediate future 🙏

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Dear Anita,

I think of you, Tee, as a champion for the truth, hence why I refer to you as “my hero”.

I am now a champion for the truth too!”

Thank you, that’s so nice of you to say! ❤️ It means a lot, because yes, truth is important to me. And I’m glad you too are becoming a champion for the truth! 😊 ❤️

If she accepted, acknowledged and let me know that I gave her something valuable that made a positive difference for her, her Poor Me Act would have been endangered, an act she needed to maintain so to have the moral superiority to keep me enslaved through guilt and shame.

I ask myself why she wasn’t satisfied with my self-annulment for long.. Because she needed to feel superior to me in terms of righteousness, which meant that she was invested in making me feel guilty and indebted to her. She didn’t want to reduce my debt to her (to make it up to her for all of my wrongs and failures, for being a “bad daughter”) in fear that the debt wouldn’t be as big as she wanted it to be.

This is such a profound realization! If she had accepted your help, or your gifts, her “Poor me” act would have been endangered. She wouldn’t have been able to maintain the position that she is the greatest victim there is, the greatest martyr. And this was how she maintained her position of superiority: by portraying herself as the greatest victim (if not in the entire world, then for sure greater than you, who in her opinion had it easy).

And yes, she didn’t want to accept your help or your gifts because she wanted to see you as eternally indebted to her – which put her in a superior position and gave her the justification to blame you and criticize you.

So yes, you’re seeing it very well: she didn’t want to accept any help from you because it would have diminished her narrative that she is the greatest victim and that you’re ungrateful and that you can never repay her for the sacrifices she made.

“When in fact she didn’t want to be helped – she enjoyed her martyr role.”- She.. enjoyed it? What kind of joy was it, for her? The joy of moral superiority..?

Perhaps “enjoy” is not the best expression to use for a covert narcissist, because they don’t really enjoy anything. But yes, the the pleasure, the satisfaction of being the greatest martyr, and thus being morally superior to others.

It occurs to me that grandiose narcissists brag about their skills and achievements, while covert narcissists “brag” about being the greatest victim. So there is a sense of superiority, but in a twisted way, where the more they suffer, the more superior to others they feel.

I just asked Copilot about the book (I remember the title, not the content). Copilot: “Core themes- *Definition of Evil: Peck describes evil as the refusal to face one’s own moral failings. Instead of confronting their flaws, “people of the lie” project blame and attack others. * The Lie: The “lie” refers to self-deception and denial. Evil people construct false narratives to avoid responsibility… Peck’s central argument is that evil thrives in denial and dishonesty…

“People of the Lie avoid confronting their moral failings because doing so would shatter the false self-image of perfection and righteousness they cling to. Instead, they use denial, deception, and projection to protect their fragile egos and maintain control over others… They destroy or diminish others to preserve their own sense of superiority.”-

Thanks Copilot for the summary 🙂 I haven’t read the book either, but found a book review online, and it basically says the same. Yeah, it basically describes narcissistic people. I don’t know if the author says it explicitly in the book, but the description fits narcissistic people perfectly…

I do feel sorry for her being bald and for her childhood.. that’s empathy, yes. As long as I separate it from guilt, it’s okay to feel it. To feel it if I do, when I do.. but not to sink and drown in it. When I feel it, acknowledge it and exit it. Move on to something else. What do you think, Tee?

Yes, that’s a good way to do it. Don’t start blaming yourself or thinking you should have done something about it, or that you are in any way responsible for it. Just feel it, put yourself in a position of someone who lost all of their hair at a young age. It is traumatizing…

So you can have empathy for her, but that’s it. As you said: “acknowledge it and exit it. Move on to something else”. Yes, exactly!

Anita the psychologist gave me her email address so to continue a conversation we started about Tourette’s being a result of trauma in childhood during the first 7 years of life, she said.

Oh good! That’s a nice coincidence to meet a namesake psychologist who is able to discuss the Tourette’s syndrome with you and possibly even help you. That sounds promising! 🤞

As for what Alessa said, yes, it wasn’t easy for your mother being a single mother with 2 small children, and having a history of abuse and neglect, and perhaps even being looked down socially. Perhaps some of her obsessions – such as her preference for fair-skinned people – stem from feeling disadvantaged due to her skin color.

However, I wouldn’t agree that she “took care of you when you were sick”, because she disregarded your tics. A mother who has any semblance of empathy or concern for her child wouldn’t disregard such serious symptoms. She would have stopped and consulted somebody, preferably have taken you to a doctor. Or at least she would have stopped her verbal attacks on you when she noticed you were twitching.

I totally understand Alessa’s perspective, and that being a parent, especially a single parent, is very hard. However, I don’t think that she provided for you what she herself wanted as a child. Because I’m sure she would have wanted someone to pay attention to the fungus infection of her scalp – which sadly no one did. And to me, it’s similar to her not paying attention to your tics.

She paid attention to “cleaning you properly”, which resulted in inappropriate touching and covert sexual abuse. But she didn’t pay attention to your tics. Which is gross neglect, if you ask me.

Dear Alessa, I know you’re coming from the perspective of a caring mother, but I don’t think that Anita’s mother was simply a tired, stressed, overworked mother who did the best she could. Even if we disregard for a moment the verbal and physical abuse, she didn’t pay attention to her daughter’s tics. She didn’t pay attention to what the neighbor said that dressing and washing an adolescent is not good for their mental health. She didn’t stop to think “wait, maybe Rosie is right”, but she replied, with self-confidence, that her daughter likes it.

So unfortunately, I think that in those aspects, she didn’t seek to spare her children from a similar type of suffering that she herself went through. Rather, I’d say that she actually wanted to punish her children for the suffering she went through as a child. And that’s what made her very abusive. And very resistant to any kind of external input that she might be doing things wrong.

Perhaps a part of her abuse can be excused by social norms at the time (it was more acceptable to hit children and verbally abuse them in those times). But a part is certainly the result of her unique personality and the way she chose to deal with her trauma: by denying that she has trauma, and then acting out by abusing and punishing her own children.

This of course doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve empathy for the real and undeniable struggles she’s been through as a child and beyond. However, there is a part where she actively refused responsibility for her own actions (and her own trauma) and put the blame on her children, which isn’t something to empathize with.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Dear Anita,

happy belated Thanksgiving! 😊

And what an amazing idea: to give yourself thanks for everything that you’ve done for your mother, for all the effort you’ve invested in trying to please her, make her happy, make her life less of a suffering… it didn’t work, but not because of you, but because of her! However, you’ve tried, you did your best, you gave your all!

And you completely deserve praise and acknowledgment for your sincere, heart-felt attempts:

So, today, I am giving myself credit for all my many, many.. many efforts to help her. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!

Coming to think about it- the timing is perfect: Thanksgiving!

Thank you, Anita, for your many, many efforts and all your hard work invested in helping this woman!!!

Amen to that! 🙏 ❤️ Very well said!

I hope you’re still feeling the enthusiasm and vigor of those words, and the acknowledgment, the self-validation, that you indeed did you best, while she was the ungrateful one. You were giving and giving, while she was rejecting, dismissing, criticizing… and remained bitter and unhappy throughout.

It occurs to me that you were the people-pleaser, or better say, Mother-pleaser: you did things against your will, things that were hurting you – only to please her, to see that satisfied smile of approval on her face:

she signaled approval, that’s for sure, a rare commodity for me: her approval.. another rare commodity: a genuine smile on her face. She experienced pleasure in seeing me accommodating her need to have power-over, and I wanted her pleased.

She approved of you when you diminished, or almost annulled yourself. When she could control you completely. You gave her that. But she wasn’t satisfied nevertheless. Maybe for a brief moment she was, but not beyond that.

And she perpetuated the lie that you’re bad, that you’re hurting her, while she was the one who was hurting you all along. Yes, narcissistic people are People of the Lie…

So, congratulations, Anita, for seeing through the Lie, for not believing her narrative anymore. Congratulations for seeing things clearly: who you are and who she is…

I’d like to comment on something very important that you said about empathy:

Empathy for her (feeling so very sorry for her) and Guilt went hand in hand.. well, almost my whole life. The guilt was heavier, more painful than the empathy. Early on, I figured it was my job to make her happy, that her misery is my responsibility to fix. Feeling that I failed my # 1 responsibility was very painful. When I found out that she was bald, it meant that I had so much more to fix, so much more to compensate her for.

Currently, empathy without the guilt feels so much lighter.

That’s an important realization: that your empathy was mixed with guilt. Because she was 1) portraying herself as the victim and 2) blaming you (among other people) for her misery. She made you feel guilty for her misery.

Plus, you wanted to free her from her misery even in instances in which she didn’t blame you, e.g. when you had guests and she would bitterly complain before and after their visit. She didn’t blame you for that, however you still wanted to help her, to ease her “suffering”.

But then she forbid you to talk to the guests about it (“I will murder you!“), because she of course wanted to maintain her “kind and generous” persona – someone who gives big, expensive gifts, and prepares intricate, lavish meals (I suppose).

Anyway, you tried to free her from her “misery”, when in fact it was all a farce. It was a self-inflicted “misery”, because no one was forcing her to give those expensive gifts and prepare complicated meals. It was her choice, which she then presented as some big sacrifice. She portrayed herself as the victim, the martyr, when it was actually her choice, and it served to maintain a certain public image.

You believed that she was indeed suffering, you believed that she was the victim – when in fact, it was an act. And then you blamed yourself for not being able to help her. When in fact she didn’t want to be helped – she enjoyed her martyr role.

And it’s a great thing that you’re now freeing yourself from that guilt. And that you’re able to separate empathy for the person from feeling guilty for their suffering.

A good example of that would be your mother’s baldness: you can be sorry for your mother having such a handicap, because it is really a handicap and very unpleasant. However, you don’t need (or didn’t need to) to feel guilty about it and obliged to compensate her for it, because it’s not your fault and there isn’t even much you can do about it. You can simply empathize, but without feeling guilty or obliged to help.

So yeah, empathy without guilt is a great concept – thanks for mentioning it, Anita. ❤️ When we empathize like that, we can simply “sit with the person” in their pain, without necessarily doing anything. We may help of course if needed, but sometimes it’s enough if we simply offer a listening ear and validate their emotions. If they feel heard and validated.

Good to hear that you had a pleasant Thanksgiving, and that you met some nice, interesting people 😊

Wishing you a nice day today! 😊

❤️ 🫶 ❤️

Dear Anita,

I went back and re-read several of your latest posts, and here are my comments:

I misspoke about her not expressing anger at her oldest sister.. I don’t remember her confronting her oldest sister (I’ll refer to her as M), but I know that for a while she wouldn’t talk to M, as in a no-contact, because she was angry at her, she realized at that time that M really, really did hurt her.

But after some time she went back to talking with her. It’s like part of her was M. M was an overt aggressor, consistently, no meek/ people pleasing performances; the mother switched between being M and performing meek/ people pleasing- unlike M- in between returns to being the overt aggressor that M was.

It occurs to me now that your mother doesn’t sound like a typical people pleaser, because people pleasers do things that are often against their best interests and are hurting them, but they’re still doing it, in order to please others. Your mother sounds more like someone who was faking kindness and “meekness” to the outside world, when it suited her – to boost her public image. She wasn’t doing it to please others (and sacrifice her own real needs), but to boost her fake persona.

she lost all her hair- forevermore- as a result of an untreated scalp fungus infection. A shame she carried with her throughout her life.. cutting her head off photos.

And it occurred to me just now.. for the first time in my whole life, why she scrubbed my scalp so terribly deep and rough.. because I had hair and she didn’t..?

Yes, I think she was jealous of your hair! She might have been punishing you for having hair…

I didn’t know she had no hair until I was 26 or 27. She wore wigs the whole time. I just didn’t know until .. was it my sister who told me (I don’t remember). I was in shock at the time, that for a quarter of a century, I didn’t know.

Yeah, that’s pretty extraordinary that you’d never noticed! I guess she was hiding it well… perhaps she didn’t let you see her early in the morning (provided that she took the wig off while sleeping)?

Good point, Tee. She wasn’t upset at all about me leaving, and again, it never occurred to me that indeed she wasn’t upset. Sincerely, truthfully.. I was never a person to her, never of a human value, one she’d miss..

Yes, but I thought she might “miss” you as someone to harass, even an “object” to harass, if you will. Because such people need someone to abuse and victimize, so to feel better about themselves.

But I guess she quickly turned to your sister, as you said, started buggering her to get married and give her a grandchild. And so she did, although you said the guy she married wasn’t a good fit…

“It seems your mother didn’t even try to establish total control over your sister like she did with you.”- not physically, as in washing, feeding, wiping and dressing her. (Not necessarily in that order.. sad lol).

What occurs to me now, and it might be painful to read, is that it seems your mother hasn’t sexually harassed your sister… your sister “only” received emotional (and perhaps physical?) abuse. But she didn’t have access to her body… I realize this may be very painful to read, that you might have received more of the abuse, or more destructive type of abuse. I’m very sorry about that, Anita 😢

I just felt so much affection for you, Tee.. for saying these things with passion (I meant emotional passion, of course.. everything feels contaminated as a result of sexual abuse.. the word “passion”, the word “affection”)

Like her affection when holding my hand on the way to the airport.. if it was affection, I couldn’t differentiate it from sexuality. Every smile on her face directed to me, a softness in her voice.. it all felt creepy.

Right, it seems it was her who contaminated affection with sexuality, and so now when you say affection, immediately a sexual meaning pops up in your head.

(BTW, thank you, I do feel strongly about childhood sexual abuse not being a small thing. So yes, I’m passionate about defending the victims and not minimizing the abuse. ❤️)

I was wondering if she felt “affection” for you when she was controlling you completely, including your body, e.g. when she was putting on your pajamas after bathing and you lying on the bed like a doll. You said that’s when she had a satisfied smile on her face (at least in front of the neighbor, Rosie, who challenged her that one time).

So I’m wondering if she felt “affection”, i.e. she felt pleased with you, when she could control you completely (including your body), i.e. treat you like an object with which she can do whatever she pleases?

That control included touching you inappropriately while washing you (pre-puberty), and demanding access to your naked body (post-puberty). As I’m writing this, I’m hoping that phrasing it like this isn’t too sensitive for you? Please let me know of it is, will you?

I think Copilot explained it very well why it constitutes sexual abuse:

Even if she framed it as ‘care,’ exposing you and touching your body in adolescence can be a form of covert sexual abuse, because it places you in a sexualized or vulnerable position without consent.

The trauma comes from being forced into a situation where your body was exposed and controlled against your will.

Yeah, she put you in a sexualized and vulnerable position (demanding that you let her into the bathroom to wash your hair and back, while in a vulnearable, exposed position), and your body was touched/manipulated against your will (by manipulation I mean when you had to lie down on the bed, while she was dressing you).

And I’m thinking now that those washing/dressing rituals might not have been so much about her extracting sexual pleasure from it, but more about establishing complete dominion and control over you.

As Alessa said: sexual abuse is the ultimate way to strip someone of their autonomy. Yes, because it’s violating the autonomy of our body, which no one else should lay claim to, but ourselves.

But regardless whether she extracted sexual pleasure from it or not (you said she did from parading naked in front of you), it still constitutes sexual abuse. And as Copilot says, I think it’s very important that you’re now naming it and understanding it.

Because until now, it was all a bit of a haze. Now it’s becoming more clear, and inasmuch as it is painful, it is also liberating, I hope, and is contributing to your healing. ❤️

So yes, let’s keep talking about it… because the clearer it becomes, the more equipped you will be to heal and put an end on your mother’s toxic legacy 🙏 ❤️ 🙏

🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏