Hi Alessa,

Reminder to you both that this is Yana’s thread and that she asked for the fighting to stop.

I don’t think she said that. She said she is staying out of the discussion, but that she is welcoming things to be unpacked:

I can see there is a strong need to unpack this conflict. I understand. It can be beneficial, it can bring more understanding…

It is good and important to self-reflect. Sometimes the deepest self-reflection happens during a tough conflict.

I don’t see that asked us to stop?

Hi Alessa,

If this situation doesn’t improve shortly, I’m going to have to prioritize my self-care over being supportive. I cannot cope with this kind of prologued stress.

I’m sorry this is affecting you. Sure, please do take care of yourself and not read or engage for a while if necessary.

I’m aware that you don’t like conflict, and this is a protracted one. But I feel it’s necessary to clarify some things.

Perhaps you could both work together to find an agreeable compromise?

I don’t think there can be a compromise, or a conflict resolution, rather, until both parties have felt that they’ve been heard. And that there is at least some common ground in understanding of what happened.

Sorry, slight correction in the order of events:

After my apology and attempts to explain what my I meant by compassion, you posted that I’m not really supportive of you and that my lack of support is also affecting the community. Then I wrote that I’m withdrawing from your thread. And then you addressed me via Copilot, and starting comparing me with your mother, without mentioning my name (July 31):

BELIEVE Me, be on MY SIDE.

Keep current invalidating people out of my personal space: people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment.. however politely..

I feel anger at all the people past and recent.. who hurt me. I don’t want to do the same to others: to arrogantly, self-righteously.. ignorantly… criticize, point to what’s lacking in the other person…

Hi Anita,

For example, you accused me of lying about not remember who I was thinking about when I wrote one particular sentence in one of my many long SOCJ posts. I didn’t lie, Tee. I knew I was thinking of someone in the forums, just didn’t remember whom.

Okay, let’s look at what I wrote (Sept 4):
You do realize that you listed me and Alessa as people who abused you, similarly like your mother did? (people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment).

I clearly didn’t mean only one specific sentence, but a whole set of accusations with the theme of us being similarly invalidating and judgmental as your mother. You never denied that you had us in mind when writing those sentiments. However, when I mentioned it on Sept 4, you suddenly didn’t remember:

I don’t remember if I had you and/or Alessa in mind when I wrote that sentence (I wrote so much in my stream-of-consciousness posts…)

And now you’re saying:

I didn’t lie, Tee. I knew I was thinking of someone in the forums, just didn’t remember whom.

Well, who could it be? Who did you feel upset about at that point? Me certainly, maybe Alessa too. There were no other members whom you were upset with at that point, if I remember well. It’s pretty clear whom you were referring to. Why suddenly claim you don’t remember?

Anita, if you truly want to share honestly, then start by being truthful about some basic facts, such as that those allegations were about either me or Alessa, or both of us. Please don’t try to paint me as someone who is wrongly accusing you, when I am only pointing at the obvious.

If you want to share honestly, please do so. It will be appreciated by me and everyone on this forum.

Hi Anita,

Today, Tee wrote: “I feel true conflict resolution can’t come about without accountability on both sides.”-

Would you like to elaborate on accountability on your side, Tee- in regard to the nature of your participation in this thread as well as what preceded it?

Anita, how about you starting first? How about showing some goodwill that you claim you possess? Remember, I am angry (Angry Tee). I don’t have goodwill. (But no empathy and no goodwill from you, Tee—only accusation, repeated accusation.)

And besides, you haven’t addressed any of the points that Jana made in her last post, or that Brandy made (you already dismissed those), or that Lucidity made, or that Peter made (he made some excellent points about conflict, e.g. to have a look at ourselves when we feel triggered).

You haven’t addressed any of the real issues, which were brought up by various members of this forum. Any of their concerns. You’ve only expressed you were angry at them, but now you feel affection towards them. How charming!

But let’s get real, Anita. Let’s address the pain points… and leave the carrot cake for later…

Hi Alessa,

It may not seem that important to you, but it was important for me to explore how my neurodivergence affected conflict.

Oh I’m sorry, Alessa. I didn’t want to dismiss your neurodivergence and exploring how that affects conflict. I just felt that the conversation completely shifted to the mental health aspect of the conflict, and how you can support Anita in making this space as comfortable as possible for her (and yourself, as someone who struggles with autism and C-PTSD).

The topic of her accountability was dropped in the process, and the effect was that she kept engaging from the perspective of the only victim, refusing to consider how her words and actions might have affected others. This stance was confirmed in her replies to Brandy and me. That’s what I was concerned about.

You and I, simply have different priorities, perspectives, needs and conflict styles. That is not to say that one is more valid than the other. That is not true, we are just different people.

I’m sorry you feel like I’m enabling Anita by not discussing my feelings right now. I disagree, I’m simply prioritising my own needs.

I think I understand you better now. You prioritize de-escalation of the conflict, and then discussing things in a calmer environment:

I don’t want to discuss my needs in a heated environment, I don’t feel like that is healthy for me. I would prefer to focus on deescalation and creating a calmer healthy environment first.

And you felt that it’s more important to establish rapport with Anita, to engage from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than insisting on her accountability. I understand. Whereas to me, I feel true conflict resolution can’t come about without accountability on both sides.

Okay, I get it. I do believe that sometimes insisting on de-escalation without accountability can lead to false peace, where things are swept under the rug. Those unaddressed issues can easily lead to another conflict, sometime down the line.

At the same time, I respect your needs in this conflict and understand where you’re coming from. Your need at the moment is for a peaceful environment, not for the past hurt (that was inflicted upon you in this conflict) to be repaired. Would that be a fair statement?

I feel like your feelings about how you were affected are more important to me than mine

Please don’t feel like my feelings are more important than yours. You’ve explained what your priority is at the moment, and I respect that. I understand why you feel the way you feel ❤️

I don’t know how this conflict will end, what will be the outcome, but to be honest, I’m glad that certain things were discussed openly, even if it wasn’t comfortable.

But I don’t have the need to keep discussing it and proving my point. I’ve mostly said what bothered me, and I also felt I’ve been heard, and that’s what matters the most. I admit, things are not ideal, but that’s okay, I can deal with less than ideal outcomes 🙂

Hi Alessa,

I know your intentions are good, you’re trying to be caring and accommodating to everyone.

But I think there has been a misunderstanding. I wasn’t trying to accommodate anyone by setting a boundary. That boundary was for me.

Sorry, I wasn’t necessarily talking about the boundary you set, but in general about shifting the focus of the discussion to Anita’s sensitivity, asking her questions about her mental health and why it might contribute to her sensitivity during conflicts, and taking care of her needs, so to speak.

That’s all fine, but I felt it failed to address the “elephant in the room”, namely that Anita hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing towards you, hasn’t apologized for any of her actions, and has portrayed herself as the victim ever since she came back.

I felt that this enabled Anita to remain in her victim narrative, not acknowledging any harm that she’s done (which you previously expressed and are aware of). You kind of let go of the need for her to apologize, and remained hopeful that she would do it later.

And so she continued with her version of the story, implying that she is the “most wounded” and therefore we need to respect her “boundaries”, which might include not saying anything she finds unsettling or threatening. This is from Anita’s reply to Brandy:

I understand your longing for a space where people don’t tiptoe. I share that longing. But I also know that emotional safety isn’t created by asking the most wounded to be more resilient—it’s created by honoring their boundaries without pathologizing them.

Or her reply to me:

I’ve named harm with clarity, offered repair where I saw fit, and refused to collapse into emotional labor for those who bypass accountability. That’s not a lack of empathy—it’s emotional sovereignty.

She claims she offered repair, but she’s done none of that, because she hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing. She is claiming that others are bypassing accountability, while that’s exactly what she is doing.

So what’s the result? If we want to respect her “boundaries”, we need to silence ourselves. We need to tiptoe. We need to respect her pain, but dismiss our own.

And this is how a space becomes unsafe, how it becomes stifling for those who might have issues with some of Anita’s words and actions.

I would encourage you to talk to me directly if you feel hurt about something I have done.

Dear Alessa, I’m not really hurt, but rather, I’m sad. What happens is that by being very accommodating to Anita and focusing on only her pain and her discomfort while putting yours aside – you’re enabling more of this behavior. Not that you want it, but that’s the result.

But please know that I’m not judging you at all. I see your struggle and your good intentions. You truly believe that this conflict can be worked out at everyone’s satisfaction, if we’re just patient enough. I’m afraid I’m not sharing your optimism.

Hi everyone,

I’d like to share my perspective of what happened in the last few days.

Anita rejoined the discussion on this thread, with this stated intention:

I’m sharing this not to reopen conflict, but to reclaim truth.

However, her “reclaiming truth” consisted of insisting on her version of events, in which she was the only victim – the party that was harmed – and hasn’t done anything wrong.

Some of the members responded with general openness and a call for a mutually respectful dialogue, and lessening of the tensions, I assume. Anita appreciated that:

Following my return to this thread yesterday, the first time I addressed the conflict, Peter expressed goodwill: “We all come from the same place: wanting to help and wanting to be seen. I hope we can continue our dialogue from that space… In a World where you can be anything, Be Kind.”

So did Jana: “I’ll let you explain the conflict to each other… I just needed to remind us… we all need the same, love, feeling of security, understanding.”

And so did Alessa: “I appreciate the gesture of goodwill that you are trying to soften things with some positivity… I appreciate that you have done your best to talk about these things despite it being difficult for you. I appreciate you being respectful and understanding. I can see that you are trying your best.”

Since I on the other hand insisted that true conflict resolution cannot happen without all parties taking responsibility for their part of the problem, and I couldn’t accept that Anita refuses any accountability for her actions – I was accused of having no empathy or goodwill, and of remaining in a battle mindset:

But no empathy and no goodwill from you, Tee—only accusation, repeated accusation. Not even once did you give me any credit for returning to this thread and addressing the conflict as best I can.

It feels like you’re locked in a battle mindset, Tee—focused on winning, not understanding.

Anita re-evaluated her previous judgments about several members. Those members who haven’t challenged her since her return, now returned to her good graces, and she apologized for being judgmental towards them:

I was wrong in regard to Alessa and Jana.. and Peter. I was judgmental, I realize now, looking back.. I interpreted some of your imperfections through a lens of judgment, rather than understanding. That showed itself in my silence, if not otherwise. I regret that.

I on the other hand was confirmed as a villain and a pariah, and indeed, resembling her mother:

I would say that your anger, Tee—the way you go after me, the way you don’t let go, while having absolutely no empathy for me—does remind me of my mother.

In short, I remained the bad guy, while others, who haven’t challenged her, returned to her good graces.

When Alessa accommodated her even more, wanting to protect her from discomfort and taking into account Anita’s possible sensitivity to conflict due to her past trauma and her mental health problems, past and present, Anita was overjoyed:

I am so positively impressed with you, Alessa.. so… grateful to you being you! This boundary is more than fair!!! And it’s a relief, for me. It makes me feel safer here.

Thank you so much, Alessa, for making this thread, this space, feels like less like an enemy territory!

So now, this became a “safe space” for her, because she isn’t required to have any accountability for her actions and can continue business-as-usual.

She got her narrative confirmed: she is the victim, and those who dare to oppose her or express anything displeasing to her, are the villains.

Of course she was overjoyed…

But, where does this leave this forum? Perhaps in the category of those “safe spaces” which are not really safe, which Peter was talking about. Where people are walking on eggshells around a certain “very sensitive” individual. Where all dissenting voiced are silenced.

And Brandy, I’m so grateful to you for speaking out, both now and before, during the original conflict. I would like to quote what you said back then about a certain pattern repeating with Anita (you posted this on August 9):

I still struggle with how things played out between you and other members here on this forum over the past couple weeks. As an outside observer, what occurred seemed hurtful and unfair. And this has happened before…and the hurtful posts get deleted, Tiny Buddha loses caring, well-meaning, helpful contributors, and things go on as if nothing happened, that is, you move on to the next member who is looking for advice. And I do recognize that you yourself are a caring, well-meaning, and very helpful contributor, and that you’ve done a lot of good here.

It seems that we’re on the path of this scenario happening again. My hope for this forum is similar to yours:

I hope these forums don’t become a place where members are constantly tiptoeing around each other in fear of being humiliated or rejected.

But it doesn’t seem to be going in this direction, so far.

I am sad about it, but also willing to accept it and move on.