Dear Alessa,

I’m glad you’re feeling better now and less shaken <3

I actually found an inclusive church nearby after our conversation. I was very surprised as it is the only one in the whole county. I think I’ll check it out and see how it feels and see how things go from there.

Oh cool! I hope you’ll have a good experience with it, and that people leading it will be honest and loving.

Yes, it feels impossible to please everyone and take care of your own needs sometimes. It is a real shame. I wish that there was a way that everything would be okay for everyone.

Yeah, that would be in an ideal world. If everybody were willing to look within and acknowledge their own mistakes, a world would be a much better place. But like this, it’s a mess in some places. And it’s so very sad. It happens both in our personal lives and on the world scale.

I felt something shift in me recently. I feel like when people misunderstand me. I can give myself compassion and grace, having faith in myself that it is just a misunderstanding.

Oh that’s good – that you’re not blaming yourself, but giving yourself compassion and grace. Sometimes we say something that hurts the other person, even if what we said wasn’t hurtful at all. My mother gets offended so easily, e.g. if I simply ask for some personal space, i.e. put a minimal boundary, and I do it respectfully. But she sees it as rejection of her and blames me. She gets offended. She feels harmed.

What is one to do in those cases? I stopped blaming myself – I see that it’s a part of her personality, and it is a failure of hers, not mine. I don’t want to be apologizing for something I haven’t done. And so I told her recently that it’s not okay to communicate with people in that manner: to get offended when the other person asks for some minimal consideration for themselves, i.e. that their needs be respected. I don’t want to give up on my needs so that she wouldn’t feel offended.

It’s exactly what you said: “it feels impossible to please everyone and take care of your own needs sometimes.” Yes, if I want to honer my own needs, my mother will be offended (not always, but in some cases). But should I give up on my needs? Should I apologize for “hurting” her, even if there was nothing hurtful in my request? Well, no, I decided not to do that any more. I decided to speak out when something like that happens.

It was nice because I do care a lot and worry especially when conflict happens with people I care about. I have a tendency to take things to heart.

Yes, I know you’re the kind of person who deeply considers how you might have contributed to the conflict and what you might have done wrong. I’m that kind of person too. But sometimes we haven’t done anything wrong, other than expressing our need or our boundary, and the person still took it against us. Those are the situations in which I refuse to feel guilty anymore, but I rather stand my ground.

Because I know I have the right to have needs, and that my legitimate needs shouldn’t endanger another person. If they do, then it tells more about them than myself.

BTW I’m on holidays now and will probably spend less time at the computer. So please forgive delays in replies.

Take care! <3

Dear Eva,

you’re welcome. I’m sorry you’re in pain and feeling stuck right now.

I’ve been carrying this heavy guilt ever since my breakup, and the “what if” questions keep spinning in my head like a broken record. What if I hadn’t said anything? What if I had been “better” to him? What if I hadn’t gotten triggered or upset? Could I have saved the relationship if I had just stayed quiet or tried harder?

It’s exhausting because on one hand, I know I was expressing real feelings — I was asking for connection, for time together, for basic respect after years of feeling like I was always chasing scraps of attention. But on the other hand, every time I raised my needs, he said I wasn’t “understanding” enough, and eventually it led to him breaking up with me. Now, I’m left questioning myself deeply.

What you’re experiencing is typical for victims of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist never ever takes responsibility for their actions, they never ever acknowledge they did something wrong. They always and without exception blame the victim – their partner in this case – that it’s their fault. Your partner did exactly that to you: he was relentlessly telling you it was your fault, that you’re not understanding enough, that you’re too sensitive, or whatever other accusation:

Every time, he finds a way to twist it so that I’m the problem. He’s never once apologized. Never taken responsibility. Just blames me for my reactions to his actions.

He has been gaslighting you the entire time you were together, and you started believing him. At least a part of you believes him, believes that you’re not good enough. That if only you hadn’t complained, hadn’t raised your voice etc, he would have treated you better. He wouldn’t have left you.

Well, maybe he wouldn’t have left you – because it would suit him to keep using you for his selfish needs – but he would have never treated you better. He would have never truly loved you, because he didn’t care about you and your needs, but only about himself. You don’t want to be a doormat for such a selfish person.

He was using you, Eva, and once you started protesting, and your protesting became too loud for his taste – he didn’t have a need for you anymore. That’s what happened.

I know that no matter how much I loved him, that doesn’t change anything. We weren’t for each other. And that hurts too much.

Dear Eva, it could be that in the beginning he was love bombing you (as narcissists typically do), and he gave an impression of someone who deeply understands you and cares for you. But that’s a game they play until the victim gets caught into their web. And you did speak of “chemistry, understanding, and a genuine connection“.

He was giving you something – manipulating you in some way – that felt good and validating. But I guess those were just nice words and promises that he never kept? Because that’s how a narcissist operates.

And because of those nice words, and grand gestures (specially in the beginning) we might start believing that he is “the one”. We get hooked. And then, after the love-bombing phase, the devaluation phase begins, in which he starts criticizing you, putting you down, or avoid showing you in public etc. And you might believe it’s your fault, and that if you’re only “better” to him, he might return to being the loving and caring guy who was over the moon about you in the beginning.

I don’t know if this was happening for you, but that’s a typical course of events in a narcissistic relationship, and how the victim is led to believe that if only she tried harder, she would manage to please him. But that’s a trap, Eva. You were never good enough for him, because nobody is ever good enough for a narcissist. They want to feel superior, to dominate, to put the other person down, so they can feel better about themselves.

A narcissist doesn’t want a partner, but a fan. And so there cannot be a meaningful relationship with a narcissist. Trust me when I say that you’re lucky that he let you go. You dodged a bullet. I know it doesn’t feel like that at the moment, but that’s the truth.

Perhaps the worst thing is that we lose our self-esteem due to narcissistic abuse. In the beginning, the narcissist is very good at making us feel special. But later, throughout the relationship, they’re very good at devaluing us and making us feel like nobody. By the time they leave us, our self-esteem is virtually non-existent. We feel worthless and unlovable. And perhaps this is the place that you’re at now, Eva?

If so, please know that you’re special and amazing! That none of what the narcissist’s told you is true. Those were his lies to keep you small and under his control. But you can now be free from that. You can free yourself from his toxic narrative!

I hope this helps you a little, to snap out of this deep hole where you’re blaming yourself. It’s not your fault, Eva. You did nothing wrong.

Narcissistic abuse is a horrible thing and I hope you can find healing. Do you have access to therapy? There are also wonderful free resources on the internet, such as Doctor Ramani’s youtube channel, where you can start educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and how to heal. I’d be happy to talk some more, if this is helpful.

Hi Peter,

thank you for sharing your perspective.

To me, SOCJ resembles dream interpretation where every figure, object, and event is a reflection of the dreamer’s inner world. Just as only the dreamer can truly understand the meaning of their dream symbols, so too is SOCJ a deeply personal process.

Yes, indeed, journaling is a kind of practice that unpacks and reflects the person’s inner world. However, if that journal is shared in public, then the characters in that journal are not just static figures and “objects” that the person can assign whatever meaning to and project whatever idea onto. They are people of flesh and blood, who shouldn’t be used as placeholders for someone else’s process. Those kinds of things are done in therapy. Or in private.

Commenting on someone else’s SOCJ can be like waking a sleepwalker well-intentioned, but disorienting or even painful.

If someone is sharing their journal in public, but doesn’t want comments, what’s the purpose of that? And if what they’re sharing involves attacks and insinuations about other members, should we just allow it without saying a word?

I like how you’re going about tension and discomfort we might feel in interaction with others:

I believe that if we can sit with that discomfort and not rush to fix it or assign blame, we find healing. That tension, that pause, is where transformation begins.

Yes, every interaction that stirs something in us can be used as a mirror, to see something about ourselves. To examine ourselves.

Tinny Buddha is a space that encourages vulnerability.

Yes, it does. I believe, and others have said it too, that it’s a safe space, where people are treated with kindness and compassion. However, sharing one’s personal journal that contains thoughts and feelings about other members of the forum – is not really vulnerability. It’s something else.

I welcome what Lori said that journaling is a format that goes against the purpose of TB forums, because the forums are about back-and-forth exchange, which indeed can be open, honest and vulnerable. But it shouldn’t be about witnessing one person’s raw thoughts and feelings, because that’s very intimate and can cause more harm than good. That kind of vulnerable sharing is more appropriate for other, more private settings.

Dear Alessa,

I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. I understand if you don’t want to keep talking about issues like conflict and how to handle it, because it’s a sensitive topic for you. It’s not a pleasant topic for me either.

Thank you too for everything, for your support and kindness and having a healthy, balanced perspective. I also appreciate your ability to stand up for yourself, express your needs and set boundaries. That’s a very important skill.

I think you actually exemplified assertiveness – being kind and understanding for the other person, but also respecting yourself and your own needs. Congratulations on that!

I think you’re doing a great job, being a loving and caring (and self-aware) mom, and doing your best to raise a happy and healthy child. I wish you lots of self-compassion too, as we’ve discussed. And I hope we can talk some more.

Lots of love <3

Dear Alessa,

It’s good to hear that you see that when you were a child you didn’t do anything wrong and that your Mother being unhappy wasn’t your fault.

That’s interesting that you had such a level of insight at such a young age.

Oh no, the insight came much later. When I was a child, I was trying to please my mother and not to upset her. When I was in my early 20s, I started to see that she has a very negative mindset and that things aren’t as bad as she is portraying them to be. That’s when I tried to explain those things to her and how she might want to adopt a more positive mindset (the glass is half full). But she wouldn’t listen. And she kept complaining, whining, etc.

And then eventually, when I’ve already started working on myself and my psychology, that’s when I realized that no matter how well I performed and how “perfect” I were, she still wouldn’t be happy with me. Because she’s just that kind of person.

So the insight came much later, and only gradually. I spent my entire childhood, youth and beyond trying to please her. And seeing myself as inadequate and deeply damaged.

To be fair, those are some nice ideas. I’m glad you benefitted from them and managed to heal from the religious trauma and self worth issues.

Yeah, I’ve realized that many people project the qualities of their parents onto God. I did it too. So it was kind of liberating to have spiritual teachings tell you that God is loving and compassionate. And even if you’re the greatest “sinner”, that still at your core you’re beautiful and precious. And lovable. I think that was the biggest lessons I took from those teachings. And it did help me find love for myself, and also open my heart to others.

Since having a child, I’ve developed a parental mindset. I’ve found that it helps me sometimes to imagine that I am my own parent.

That’s a super healthy mindset. And it helps you stay in touch with your inner child and soothe it. Because we’re all children still, even as adults, specially in difficult times, when we feel scared, lost and confused. We all need soothing. So it’s great if you can be a loving parent to your inner child.

Sometimes when it’s really hard, I cry out to God (or my idea of God), and it helps. It helps me carry the burden, even if it’s hard sometimes, specially with these physical issues and limitations.

But anyway, I think that having the concept of a loving and caring parent figure in our psyche is very important. Sometimes, we can be that to ourselves (our adult self to our inner child). And sometimes, when the challenge is too big, I feel that I need something beyond, something bigger than myself to soothe me, and that’s a divine presence. That’s God, for me.

He isn’t afraid to tell you when he doesn’t like something.

That’s good, that’s a healthy instinct! Actually it’s a normal developmental phase that around the age of 2 they start saying No to a lot of things (the terrible twos, I’m sure you’ve heard of it). That’s when they start the process of individuation and breaking free from the symbiosis with the mother. And that’s a normal, healthy stage.

If the parent is offended by the child’s “defiance” and punishes them, or withdraws their love, that’s when the damage can happen. The child may remain psychologically enmeshed with the mother and never learn to become a separate self, with their own likes and dislikes, preferences, etc. Later in their adulthood, they may feel guilty for wanting to be different, for wanting to be themselves, not what their parents want them to be.

Yes, I definitely agree about the boundaries. In a parenting class I went to they said to raise your voice if there was actual danger. But otherwise just say no, avoid, distract or ignore undesirable behaviours. I thought it was a really good class!

Yeah, that’s a good tactic to not raise your voice until there’s an actual immediate danger. Otherwise you can explain everything in a calm way, being loving but determined. And distraction, specially with small children, is a really good tool as well!

Yes, I’ve read a lot of parenting advice like that. I do think it is important to apologize after making mistakes and focus on repair after conflict. I think because of my trauma, I’m just extremely uncomfortable with conflict in general.

I see. Yeah, often times we fear asserting ourselves (expressing our needs, desires, preferences, expressing our No as well) because we were taught that we’re bad if we do that. And it caused conflict as well – we might have been punished or ridiculed or guilt-tripped or whatever if we dared to express ourselves.

Sometimes there’s an even deeper belief that we’re not worthy to have our needs met. Because that was the message we’ve received. And then of course, how could we assert ourselves? How could we ask anything for ourselves? How could we stand our ground – when we believe we don’t have the right to? Or that we would be rejected.

So perhaps sometimes the fear of conflict is the fear of rejection. Because whenever we tried to assert ourselves, we were rejected. I don’t know if that’s true for you, but it definitely was for me. Asserting myself meant rejection and possible humiliation. So with time, it meant losing my sense of self. Questioning it. Not knowing who I am and what’s good for me. Losing my self – because I wasn’t allowed to express it.

That’s a really nice idea. I will try my best to focus on showing myself loving kindness. Did you find that strategy helped you?

Yes, absolutely. Having compassion for yourself is the key. For me, it was the first step in healing. Without it, I couldn’t have countered the relentless voice of the inner critic. So yes, compassion and loving kindness for yourself is the key.

Lovely chatting to you too, Alessa <3

Dear Alessa,

you’re welcome! Thank you for your kind words too <3

Yeah, deep breathing is so important, but when I’m anxious, I tend to forget it too 🙂

It must have been hard growing up with a mum who was never happy. The minimum I would imagine kids need is for their parents to be happy to interact with them. I feel like some people enjoy being unhappy. Some people try to comfort others when they act in this way.

Yes, unfortunately my mother was/is the kind o person who “enjoys” being unhappy, or rather, she always finds an excuse to be unhappy. As a child, I tried my best to make her happy, to cheer her up, but it never worked, even if I was an excellent pupil, behaved well and didn’t really cause her any troubles.

And yeah, me too tried to comfort my mother, or later when I was older to explain to her that it might help her to change her perspective and see things from a different angle. Because in reality, things weren’t so bad as she was portraying them to be.

But alas, she wouldn’t like that. She never liked it when I told her she isn’t seeing something right. She’d blame me when I did that. And so I stopped. But it took me many years before I stopped trying, because I was still hoping that I can make her see, that I can make her understand. But no, I couldn’t.

And I think it only happened in the last few years that I’ve realized that she cannot be reached. And so I had to change my attitude. I had to accept her as she is and put some boundaries. But most importantly, I saw that she sort of “enjoys” to suffer, as you said. And I stopped trying to help her alleviate that suffering. I stopped trying to make her happy. And that was a huge change. Emotional detachment. And it brought me a great deal of peace.

I think religion has been a bit difficult for me because I grew up in a cult. It is interesting how life finds different ways to teach similar lessons.

Oh I see. You know, I had a brush with a cult-like kind of group myself, but already in my adulthood. That’s where I got in touch with those spiritual teachings. But some of it was really useful, e.g. not seeing God as judgmental, but loving and compassionate. The concept of Divine Mother and Divine Father, to replace the toxic experiences we might have had with our biological parents. I’ve experienced feeling unconditionally loved and opening my heart in meditations with Jesus and Virgin Mary, who in my mind represented unconditional love, compassion and mercy.

So although the group later turned cultish, I’ve learned some important concepts (that resonated with me strongly and felt like truth to me). And I did experience a dose of healing there. But it had a dark side as well, and definitely didn’t do good for my sense of self-worth (which was low to begin with, and then it only dug me deeper). So I had to heal from that.

That makes sense. When I had my son it just clicked in my head that he is perfect as he is. And trust me it was not a walk in the park with him screaming for 4 hours every evening. He didn’t need to do anything to be special, he just was (and still is). Thankfully, no more screaming!

Oh yes, I can imagine that! That’s why I say kudos to all young parents – they have to deal with a lot! 🙂

But yeah, seeing your child as precious and amazing, and honoring them as this little person with their own individuality, their talents, their creativity… and letting that unfold is so important. And not expecting a kid to behave like an adult – allow the kid to make a mess and make mistakes, and have compassion for them.

My mother criticized me a lot and didn’t really praise me, but took all my achievements for granted. And that’s very damaging for the child. She expected perfection, and the funny thing is that even if I was almost perfect, it wasn’t enough. So I grew up with the sense of not being good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how well I performed at school, I wasn’t good enough. And that was crushing.

When it comes to unconditional love. It is my son that really opened that door for me. I know that a lot of people don’t practice unconditional love. I know that one day he will make mistakes and I want to be there for him when he does.

Yes, unconditional love. Even if he makes mistakes, you’re there for him. You won’t abandon him emotionally, you won’t send him a message that he is bad, that he as a person is bad, that that’s his identity.

I think it’s okay to set boundaries and make them know that some behaviors are not acceptable (such as pushing their finger into the electricity socket, or running across the street without checking the traffic, or hitting another kid, or whatever other bad or dangerous behavior). But throughout all that, they should know that you love them. That they are lovable. That there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them. Because I got that message from my mother: that there’s something deeply wrong with me – and that’s what ruined me the most.

I have been thinking about changing the way I do things. I find that I often do things because of trauma. I want to reframe and do things for other reasons instead of letting my trauma dictate how I raise my son.

I did find loving kindness meditation a gateway to feeling loving feelings about myself.

That’s great! I think that the more loving kindness you can give to yourself, the more you will be attuned to your true self, and the more peaceful and relaxed you will be. You won’t react from trauma, but from your center. At least that’s what I think.

Of course, it’s not easy. But also, we’re allowed to make mistakes. Even if you sometimes overreact with your son, you can repair it afterwards. You can say you’re sorry.

It is the constant lack of attunement that hurts the child and leaves scars, not the occasional overreaction when we’re tired or overwhelmed. It’s when the repair never happens that the child gets traumatized. And you’re a super aware and a super conscious mother. You’ll definitely know when you did something less than perfectly with your kid. And you can repair it.

So please don’t worry – you are truly equipped to be a good enough mother, and you’re doing a great job <3

I’m glad to hear that you have good people in your life who are there for you. You deserve it! You’re a special woman. ❤️

Thank you, Alessa, that’s very kind of you. You’re an incredibly kind and supportive person, and I appreciate you a lot <3

Dear Alessa,

Fortunately, I have made peace with my feelings about being a mother. I know that I try my best and that is good enough. I think it is just the feelings from childhood trauma that are hard to shift.

I’m happy to hear that. And yes, I can imagine how the thought of not being good enough can creep in whenever things are hard and you feel tired and exhausted. But in those moments, try to remember that you ARE good enough, that there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you’re doing your best. And do some deep breathing and centering, just to let that sink 🙂

That is a good point Tee. I’m sorry to hear that your mother was often stressed out and overly focused on putting practical needs first.

Yeah, it was hectic. But she was that kind of person – she was unhappy a lot, although she didn’t have a real reason to be unhappy, because she had support in her environment. But she would exhaust herself unnecessarily with household chores, and then complain about it. I’ve started to realized those patterns only much later in my adulthood.

But yeah, she put the emphasis on the physical aspect of care – even too much – and then she felt stressed about it. And for me as a child, it was hard because I wanted my mother to be happy and satisfied, and she never was.

It’s not easy when they are young because a messy home is legitimately a safety hazard. He will get older though and things will get easier. Only one year left until he’s in nursery. These things don’t last forever.

Oh yes, that’s true! Keeping things clean is a necessity when they’re so young. But as you say, that shall pass too. You’ve got one more year till nursery. I’m rooting for you to keep on keeping on till things get easier. And also, try to have lots of self-compassion in the process <3

You asked me on the other thread how I’ve developed a strong sense of self-worth. Ehhh, that was a long, decades long process, with some detours as well, looking for approval from wrong people, in wrong places. I always had interest in spirituality, and eventually found some teachings that can be characterized as Christian mysticism. That’s where I’ve learned about unconditional love and that I am lovable, and truly felt it in my heart.

But with self-worth it was much harder, because I believed I needed to prove that I’m worthy. That I need to deserve it. But then somehow (also with the help of spiritual teachings) I’ve realized that we’re born with an innate divine presence, as “children of God”, if you will. And that self-worth actually stems from there. That I am worthy simply because I exist.

This helped me drop the high expectations that I had on myself, and the sense of not being good enough, even the sense that I don’t matter. Gradually I’ve accepted that I do matter. And luckily I had people in my life who assured me of that. 🙂 And so, little by little, I did develop my sense of worth. But it was a long and winding road, for sure.