Dear Dafne,

I was thinking about his deal to leave the house to his ex-wife and children. Perhaps that’s not so unfair, because she is the mother of his children and takes care of them, so it would be unfair to take it from underneath her once the children are grown. So that part of the deal might not be unfair.

But nevertheless, he doesn’t seem like a good man in general, and I think you can be happy that the relationship ended.

Dear Dafne,

happy to hear from you! I am sorry your internet access was disrupted – hopefully it will get back to normal soon.

I myself am more or less okay, thank you for asking. Still having some new health issues that come and go, but I try not to worry about it too much. These past 6 months have been about learning how to face and manage my health anxiety, and my fears in general. And it’s a work in progress, but I am getting better at it 🙂

Meanwhile I found out a bit more about that counselling place you asked me about.

Good you did that!

And the first person I spoke to was a nurse and the other was a counselor. They each had an assessment with me and they had the same opinions of what I confined to them.

Oh so it wasn’t one session with both of them, but two separate sessions, right? But they both gave you a similar opinion – basically blaming you for not helping yourself as a child :\

Then at the end of my session I spoke to a group of people and they seemed to know about the problems of all other participans as well.

You mean you participated in a group therapy session, where participants share about their problems?

I remember one person saying that you need to be honest with yourself where you made any mistakes and should not sugarcoat it like at many other institutions.

Well yeah, we need to be honest with ourselves, but it is also important to understand what caused our problems and how our childhood trauma led us to where we are now.

I don’t know what they meant by “sugarcoating”? Is it to have empathy and understanding for the person? Because if they advocate more of the “tough love” approach, telling the person to “get a grip” and “take responsibility” – so coming more from a judgmental side – it cannot lead to a lasting healing.

Regarding the dog, I’m really thankful for all your advice. I contacted a vet but she is not a behaviourist so couldn’t help too much. Unfortunately we do not have a big choice here.

Then I asked at the shelter and they gave me the number of a dog sitter & a trainer. They told me that he is not easy to train as he has aggressive tendencies and his anxiety is too big. I’ve tried to leave him with her gradually but she wasn’t happy to continue as she could not touch him and he snaped at her. I don’t see any solution here.

I am sorry the people you’ve asked so far couldn’t really help. Did this dog come from a shelter, and was already traumatized, or your mother didn’t treat him/train him properly?

But I know there are people who are willing to work with even the most traumatized dogs. And even take them to their homes. Perhaps google “working with traumatized dogs” and see what comes up?

You’re right Tee, there are a few things that I like doing and need to do more often. I neglected it for a long time. I could say that I enjoy listening to the music, painting and travelling.

It all sounds lovely! Perhaps you can take up painting? Your profile picture, with nice flowers, kind of gives me the vibe of an artistic soul… Whatever you choose, I strongly recommend doing something that feeds and nourishes your soul!

What do you like doing in your free time?

I used to love hiking and taking walks in nature, but I’ve got mobility issues since the last few years, so climbing even the smallest hill isn’t an option any more 🙁 But I still love to take a stroll in nature, even if it’s just a green oasis within the city, e.g. visiting an arboretum, or a Japanese garden. I find it very nourishing for my soul…

 I’m not sure if you believe in dreams and that they mean something but I keep having the same dreams for a long time now. I see my ex fiancé in them. I keep waking up with regrets that I gave up on him so easily. I think I mentioned him to you once.

You mentioned someone who you felt only wanted you to take care of his kids and cook and clean for him. To be a maid, sort of. Is that him?

He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife. And if we want something together, I need to buy something new with him.

So he didn’t have a place to live and basically wanted you to co-finance his new place?

He visited some of my family, but it was not enough for him & he insisted to also see how my mother lives.

Do you know why he was so adamant to see how your mother lives? Perhaps he was interested in her real estate? Sorry if I am being too suspicious, but I can only think of 2 reasons why seeing your mother’s place would be such a deal-breaker for him: either he thought you are hiding something about your mother, and saw this as a red flag, or he was interested in seeing what type of property he can count on some time down the line. Did he seem materialistic, stressing things like wealth, status etc?

His family also interfered a lot, and he always asked their opinion.

You mean his ex-wife interfered? Or his parents?

He was a bit controlling at times but that showed me that he cares about me.

Can you give me an example of his being controlling?

Was my mother right about not inviting him? Was he bad news but I didn’t see it?

Well, your mother was not too kind in not wanting to meet him. However, it is her right not to invite guests to her house. He expected you to “convince” her, although if someone is stubborn, what can you do? Have you talked about your mother (and her character) to him? It seems he blamed you for not being able to control (or have more influence over) your mother…

I don’t think your mother is right when it comes to judging people’s characters. So I wouldn’t trust her judgment, specially since she never even met him. However, there are some red flags in his behavior, so it might be a good thing that you didn’t push for a relationship with him.

Why those dreams keep torturing me?

It could be that your counseling session, in which the counselor accused you of not being pushy enough with your recent love interest (the church man), triggered some regrets about this other guy, who was your fiance. Maybe there is something to look at in this relationship, and now is the right time for it? I’ll be happy to help you analyze it a bit more, if you’d like?

Big hug to you too, cheers and all the best, dear Dafne <3

* A slight correction:

Because if not, then your ongoing conflict is just a smokescreen, which she uses to justify her defiance and her refusal to give you back your money.

Dear Paradoxy,

I honestly don’t know anymore. Last night I found out that my guy best friend just hit on my ex, behind my back, going far enough to tell her not to tell me. Basically, he was interested in her from the beginning. Despite all the things I told him about her. Lol.

Oh wow! A faithful friend he is… And how did you find out? From B?

Then my ex proceeded with more insults. Telling me that every girl that rejected me dodged a bullet lol. Telling me that I am unlovable and etc. I don’t know anymore. To fight back I started insulting her too. But idk, I was never good at a verbal battle.

You know, I’ve been suspecting for a while that B is narcissistic. I first started suspecting when I read her letter. The style was pretty much that of a narcissist, the covert (so-called vulnerable) type. So someone who is super selfish and manipulative, and yet playing a victim.

Recently I’ve been watching some youtube videos on narcissism by a famous clinical psychologist and expert in narcissism, Dr Ramani Durvasula (the channel’s name: DoctorRamani). And let me give you the titles of some of those videos:

When narcissists harm you and then expect a hug

When a narcissist promises to change

What does it mean when a narcissist says “I’m sorry”

Narcissist defensiveness vs. REAL apology

Why do you always need to repeat yourself to narcissists

B did all of the above: expected you to keep behaving as if nothing happened (and have sex with her) when she told you she prostituted herself, she kept promising to change and never did, she kept giving you fake apologies, she kept “forgetting” things (and you needed to repeat yourself over and over again). And of course, she was lying to you, falsely accusing you and gaslighting you, the latter being the signature of a narcissistic person.

If I am right, Paradoxy, then you had it thousand times worse than in a normal relationship. Because a relationship with a narcissist is pure hell. And has the ability to ruin the person. So no wonder you feel broken: broken wings, broken heart, broken soul.

But I have to ask you something: even if you agree with me, please please please don’t tell B that she is a narcissist. Because it will backfire. A narcissist cannot be defeated by telling them the truth about themselves – a narcissist will always turn things against you. And you’ve already experienced it with her:

I was never good at a verbal battle.

Precisely. You cannot win an argument with a narcissist.

Can’t seem to fight the feeling that maybe…. just maybe…. people are actually better off without me.

She made you believe that. Unfortunately, she “confirmed” what you already believed about yourself before, due to your upbringing. But she is a broken mirror, Paradoxy. She is one big lie. Whatever she tells you about yourself is a lie. Toxic. Poison.

Perhaps you want to peak into one of those videos that I mentioned above. I think you’d recognize B very easily…

Hi SereneWolf,

I’ve watched another video by the same psychologist (Heidi Priebe), where she goes into a great detail explaining the main features of the fearful avoidant style. The video is 1 hr long, and it’s called 10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. She herself used to be fearful avoidant, so that’s her specialty and she knows a lot about it.

Anyway, I watched it and recognized similar features that you shared about your own behavior in relationships. Here are two signs of the fearful avoidant style that she described, which I think you’ve expressed too (her bullets are expressed in the “you” form, so I am keeping that form):

1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment
2. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

In the following, I’ll paraphrase what she said about each of these signs:

1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment

The false belief (based on their childhood experiences): to be in a relationship means to give up my independence and my sense of self to give endlessly of myself to the other person.

Fearful avoidants like people and intimate connections, but they are afraid of losing their sense of self in the relationship. So they make a deal with themselves: “I’ll go into the relationship, I’ll get that hit of intimacy and a sense of connectedness, but then I am going to pull back and I’m not going to enter this relationship long term, because to be in a relationship long term means to lose my sense of self. So I’ll sacrifice my sense of self for a while, to get the intimacy I need and crave, but then I pull back because I can’t bear to lose myself on the long run”.

They don’t realize that one can keep their sense of self and still be deeply emotionally connected to another person. They engage is merging with the other person, but at the expense of losing themselves, which is painful. So the fearful avoidant only feels comfortable in relationships when there is an expiry date. The idea of a long-term commitment, even to someone they really love, is terrifying.

(end of paraphrase)

You too expressed this same notion of losing yourself in the relationship, and completely focusing on the other person and their needs and wants:

Sometimes I can’t say No to a person even though I’d like to say No. … I really fear disappointing them.

In relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

In relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleep…

If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.

The above are the examples where you lost yourself in the relationship and started caring not to disappoint your partner, not to want anything for yourself. You also started overly caring about her physical and emotional well-being, to the point of getting enmeshed and not being able to focus on your own stuff, and even losing sleep over it. That was happening in both of your LDRs, if I remember well.

So that’s the “hard” love that you want to avoid. The enmeshed, self-denying love, which is I guess the anxious part of your personality.

No wonder you don’t want it. You get exhausted in such relationships. And then you go back to being alone and restoring your independence:

I don’t like being even partially “dependent” on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (It’s lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way. And It should be without judgements.

Like I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that). And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand.

When I asked you what you wouldn’t compromise, you said:

I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want.

Also ability to go wherever I go. It’s like a parent would be like don’t go to hike there it’s dangerous out there and then even after she said no and I’d go I feel guilty.

But the problem is when this independence turns into total self-reliance, which is the opposite extreme of enmeshment. Which again isn’t a healthy state. And so the goal, according to this psychologist, and I agree with her, is integration.

Whereas now you might be prone to suppressing your emotional, overly reactive and needy part (the one that goes into enmeshment), you’d need to acknowledge it and give it more room for expression. For example, dare to speak up if something bothers you about the person’s behavior. Don’t suppress your frustration and pretend that you are so very tolerant and understanding (which you used to do in your LDRs, if I remember well). Set boundaries. Express your likes and dislikes. I don’t want to go into details in this post, but setting boundaries and expressing your dislikes would be the way to integrate your emotional, reactive part.

The second feature of the fearful avoidant style, which I think also applies to you is:

2. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

This is what Heidi Priebe says about it:

People with fearful avoidant style do want emotional intimacy, but they also fear getting hurt. They are quite guarded, even if they are warm, empathic and engaging. They ask a lot of questions, but they don’t share too much about themselves (specially not the vulnerable parts). They are good listeners – they make other people comfortable and safe to express themselves and talk about deeper things. But they don’t want to share similarly deep about themselves until they are sure that the power dynamic is tipped in their favor.

That’s because they believe that people are naturally inclined to hurt and betray each other. They don’t trust people. So the only way they are willing to open up and share vulnerable information about themselves is if they are sure that the other person is “worse off” than them, i.e. has bigger weaknesses than them. Or that the other person is more in love with them than they are with the person, and so the other person has more to lose than them.

The fearful avoidant is always evaluating: what’s the likelihood that this person is safe for me to open up to. But their indicators of safety are not that the person is warm and kind and comforting, but it’s more likely to be something like: “this person has already shown me all of their cards, so now I can flip over mine, knowing that their issues are bigger than mine”.

People with fearful avoidant style usually don’t pursue, but wait to be pursued. Because pursuing/chasing someone requires vulnerability, which fearful avoidants don’t want to show.

(end of paraphrase)

You talked about not wanting to be too vulnerable with your partner (in your LDRs). You also mentioned feeling inferior (at least in the beginning) with the doctor. And you were attracted to troubled people, whom you perhaps unconsciously saw as weaker, or with more problems, than yourself.

So perhaps the tendency to get attracted to problematic girls is a part of this need to not feel judged by your partner, because you kind of feel “better” than them, and thus safer from their criticism and their ability to hurt you (which would be a defense against the wound your father inflicted upon you, criticizing you for your “weaknesses” and your “imperfections”). I am not claiming this, but it is a possibility.

Anyway, it seems to me you do fit some of the features of the fearful avoidant style. And the good news is that it can be healed – via integration. Integration of the emotionally reactive, angry and needy part (which you are perhaps ashamed of and want to keep hidden from people) into your main personality. By allowing yourself to say No and have boundaries, basically.

Let me know how all of this sounds?

Dear Paradoxy,

She is not gaslighting because she did care for me regarding the physical aspect but failed in the emotional and mental aspect.

Well, she said she always noticed when you felt upset:

My mom… started lecturing me that I should be more caring and stuff and how she always cared about me whenever I looked upset.

Upset is not the same as feeling tired, sleep deprived, or undernourished:

she was caring regarding the physical aspect. She noticed when I was tired, she noticed when I was sleep deprived, she saw how weak I looked from days I went without eating to focus on studying while I was in college,

Since she is claiming she would notice your upset – which is not a physical, but an emotional  state – she is indeed gaslighting you. Besides, she told you that you humiliated them when she learned about your suicide attempt. That’s how emotionally “supportive” and “tuned in” she was.

I don’t blame her though but the audacity to say that she noticed whenever I was unwell is just pissing me off.

Well, sure, you don’t blame them for anything. Even if they’ve hurt you. And they’ve hurt you in two ways: first, when they didn’t notice anything beyond your physical health, and second, when they claimed they cared for you, even if they didn’t care about your emotional health one bit. So, first they’ve hurt you, then they claimed they didn’t. That’s a definition of gaslighting.

My father also sucks up his own problems.

So basically, in their eyes, nothing of my issues are worth me complaining about.

Sure, because in their eyes, only physical issues and illnesses are worth complaining about. And since you are still young and healthy, why indeed would you complain about a single thing? You must be an idiot if you do (says your father).

Yes I see that but I also realized that my parents are right about me being an idiot.

First, you are not an idiot for sometimes being absent-minded, or forgetting something, or making a mistake. You are simply human who is making mistakes, like other humans. But when they raise you with a belief that you are an idiot, that that’s your identity, i.e. that something is fundamentally wrong with you – that’s what’s horribly damaging. And they raised you like that.

That’s what you believe about yourself: that something is fundamentally wrong with you. And that’s what all children (and later adults) who were emotionally abused believe about themselves. Until they start healing and reverting those damaging core beliefs.

So technically my parents were right about me being an idiot. So now what? Can’t really say that my parents are wrong about me now….

You are not an idiot –  not now, not before. You make mistakes, like we all do. But you, Paradoxy, don’t want to accept it: you fell for their false view of you: that you are an idiot. That you are not good enough. You fell for that false identity. In other words, you accepted a lie.

Yesterday I came across these verses, which I think describe very well what happened to you (and to me too, until I’ve started healing):

Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly.

Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love.

Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy.

Author: Najwa Zebian, from her book “Mind Platter”

Dear Paradoxy,

My mom was infuriated by me “not caring” and started lecturing me that I should be more caring and stuff and how she always cared about me whenever I looked upset. BULLSHIT. Forgive my language but she probably asked once or twice or thrice at most, and that too after I started Med. Nobody cared during all those years that I suffered. Nobody noticed the pain I was going through when I found out about my ex cheating on me, and now she tries to say she always noticed whenever I was unhappy and that she cared about how I felt?

So your mother is gaslighting you too: telling you that she would always ask how you are and would notice if something is troubling you. Whereas you know it’s not true, and besides, if you were honest with her (or your father), they would use it against you and start criticizing you:

if I open my mouth once, they will force me to open up about my issues and then go right back to criticizing me and etc.

I know about that, btw, because my own mother used to do that: if I would complain about something, being emotionally vulnerable with her, she would use it against me and start blaming and criticizing me. So after a while I learned to never share my troubles with her, because there will be a backlash. I never felt I could confide in her.

So anyway, your mother was never too caring or empathic, quite the contrary, but now she is claiming that she was. Which is gaslighting. And she is blaming you for not showing more compassion for your father, when you know how that went in the past:

me caring for him might actually end up biting me back in the form of more criticism or something.

When you interact with your parents, you are in a self-protective mode, because whenever you open up, it might cause trouble and you might get blamed. You behave like that because you are forced to: years of experience with them have taught you to express your troubles only minimally, or else you’ll get in an even bigger trouble. Also, your father taught you that when you have an issue, to suck it up and be a man. So he wasn’t really welcoming vulnerability. On the contrary.

And so now, when he is supposedly weak, you are expected to show care and concern? When you were punished, or perhaps even ridiculed, for expressing care and concern in the past.

So yeah… this is how our parents shape us: first they condition us to live in a self-protective mode, not daring to express our true self. And when that self-protective persona proves to be faulty and inadequate, they blame us for it.

I am sorry for the way I am…..

You were shaped to be that way… by your parents’ conditioning. I hope you can start seeing that?

Dear Lily Margarette,

I am sorry that you are still suffering and feeling trapped in your situation. However, I am happy to hear that you did find a job:

He now wants the weekend after…when I’m working and I need him to look after the kids.

Because the last time you wrote, you felt terrified of going out to work again, after having been a stay-at-home mom for more than 10 years. So congratulations on that! Is it a part-time or a full-time job? How are you satisfied with it?

Unfortunately, it seems your husband does have narcissistic tendencies, and such people have very little chance of changing. The fact that therapy didn’t help at all proves it:

He recently went to therapy on his own, and he’s been ten times worse. It’s like his ego has inflated.

So therapy only strengthened his ego. That’s what happens a lot when a narcissist – who is typically charming and very convincing – goes to an inexperienced therapist. The therapist gets charmed away too! And they tend to believe the narcissist, i.e. the abuser, not the victim.

How do I handle this? Please don’t suggest couples therapy

Yeah, definitely couple’s therapy wouldn’t make sense, first because he might equally charm away the therapist. And secondly, if he believes there is no problem with him but tends to blame you (or the children) – then therapy makes no sense, because he doesn’t want to change, neither does he see the need to change.

I think the only long-term solution, unfortunately, would be to separate from him. But I know that with 3 underage children, it might seem overwhelming.

But you don’t need to do it all at once. You might even wait till your children are older, while in the meanwhile you are slowly preparing to stand on your own two feet again. It seems you already made the first step: you found a job. So you have broken through that barrier that you felt 2 years ago. Which is amazing!

How is your self-confidence at this point? Do you think you would be able to separate from your husband and organize a separate life from him, or it still seems very scary?

In terms of day-to-day life, try not to expect too much from him. For example, don’t count that he’d be there for all of the school appointments. With his character, there is a high chance that he “forgets” or double books things or just follows his own needs and wants, without considering you and the children. So, try to accept (temporarily, of course) that this is his character and don’t expect too much from him. Don’t be disappointed if he lets you down.

But also, you can put your foot down and demand that he be there for certain occasions, when you absolutely want him there, or when it would be very impractical to organize child care etc. or example. Such might be e.g. your daughter’s religious presentation, or the weekend when you need to work and you don’t have anybody to take care of the kids.

He might throw temper tantrums and blame you for ruining his outing with his buddies, but you can remain cool about it, because you know it’s not your fault and that him being there on those occasions is an absolute must. So have him do what he promised, even if he is fuming about it and “hates” you for it.

So try to be less emotional and more pragmatical about it: let go if it’s not a big deal, and insist that he keeps his promise if it is a big deal and him bailing out would cause problems. Have those boundaries clear in your mind: what you can and what you absolutely don’t want to tolerate. And play according to those rules (your own rules).

I know it hurts to have a husband like that, and to have to treat him like an unruly child. But if you accept that this is who he is and stop hoping for something different, then perhaps you can proceed to really separate from him, slowly but surely. Methodically. Strategically. By looking for the best exit strategy – for you and your children.

What do you think?