Dear Ada,

happy to hear from you! I’m glad you’re getting more clarity and are realizing that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and your core values:

I want to treat my partner as a true equal and try to understand him as I understand myself, but ultimately, I have to prioritize my own voice.

I really just need to be more confident that I’ll be able to defend what’s good for me.

You also say you lack self-esteem:

In general I do struggle with self-esteem and try very hard to see things from other peoples’ perspectives, especially in intimate relationships.

Yes, I’ve noticed that. You are trying your best to understand and accommodate Sam. And I’m glad you’re realizing that this accommodating is okay up to a certain point, but when it crosses over into self-negation and neglecting your own (legitimate) needs and boundaries, that’s when it becomes problematic.

I would be okay with him maintaining his friendship with Sarah if we came to a shared understanding of boundaries. I would not want to enforce boundaries for him that he does not agree with. While I know he would do it for me, he’d be doing it for me.

So what if he were to do it for you? Let me give you an example: let’s say the woman is a bit of an anxious type and asks her partner to let her know that he safely arrived to his destination (say he’s traveling by car long-distance). The guy might think her request is a little silly, because he doesn’t have the same level of anxiety about traveling. But still, he humors her and lets her know that he arrived safely – because he loves her and doesn’t want her to worry. And it’s not an unreasonable request to ask for: it only takes a few seconds to send a text or call. So he empathizes with her and does it FOR her, even if he himself doesn’t see it necessary.

I think it’s totally okay that our partner sometimes does things FOR us, even if they themselves don’t see it as necessary. If our request is reasonable, of course. Your request (or plea) to at least refuse to listen to explicit details of Sarah’s numerous sexual encounters with men – is a very reasonable one. If he isn’t willing to respect it, it shows he isn’t really respecting you and your needs. It means that his need to stay in a “special” relationship with Sarah – with absolutely no boundaries – is greater than his love and respect for you.

And that’s when we come back to the question of why he has this need and why he cannot let go. (One possible reason is because being Sarah’s shoulder to cry on might give him a sense of importance and even self-worth. Or it might give him a sense of belonging. In any case, it fulfills an unmet need at the expense of a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with you.)

I do not want him to lose a meaningful friendship, but some boundaries (like the sexual details) are hard lines for me, so at the very least I would want to be understood on those.

It’s good that you’ve clarified it with yourself that sexual details are a red line for you, and that you wouldn’t be willing to compromise on that. Please keep this in mind when you decide to talk to Sam about it.

I think as long as I feel understood on why those things are upsetting to me, I would be able to move past this.

Yes, it would be good if he would understand you and respect your position, even if he sees no harm in listening to those sexual details. Being able to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and understand their pain is a sign of empathy.

He is an honest person by nature and has always been forthcoming with me. I trust him, and I don’t think he’s trying to hide anything.

Yes, I guess the fact that he told you about the content of his chats with Sarah and the sexual details she is sharing with him is a testament to him not wanting to hide anything from you.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he genuinely doesn’t see why his behavior could be harmful to our relationship, and gets stuck defending his perspective.

Well, that’s worrisome. If he genuinely cannot empathize with you, that’s a problem. Or he might in other cases, but not in this one. If it’s the latter, it would show his own unhealthy attachment to Sarah, which causes him to have a blind spot in this particular issue.

part of my resentment towards Sam stems from not feeling like he truly values who I am — reserved, conservative, introspective. While on some level these traits feel like core values to me, there is a part of me that feels insecure about not having the opposite qualities — open, easy, free.

Are you reserved with him too? Are you sharing your emotions freely with him? Or you’re emotionally withdrawn and refuse to talk about your feelings?

From what you’ve shared so far, you’re not emotionally reserved with him. The fact that you’re not sharing every bit of your emotional and sexual intimacy with your other friends doesn’t make you deficient. He is trying to convince you that you’re deficient, but you’re not.

Where you do seem to be deficient in is self-esteem, as you said it yourself. You don’t value yourself and your qualities, but are allowing someone else (Sam) to tell you that you’re deficient. That something is wrong with you. That you need to “heal” – which would mean to let go of your boundaries and your core values.

I’m sorry but I don’t think Sam values you – he stubbornly refuses to see your point of view and keeps claiming that his behavior is healthy, and yours is deficient. That you’re not “open and free”, whereas her sharing of sexual details of her encounters with men is supposed to be “open, free and easy”?

It’s also interesting that he seems to judge men for a similarly promiscuous behavior like Sarah’s, but he doesn’t seem to judge her:

There are male acquaintances I have had that Sam has judged more harshly as well, for the same reasons. He feels he is naturally more qualified to make moral judgements for them, while he is more accepting of what externally appears to be the same actions from a female friend.

I have trouble accepting that Sam accepts and defends Sarah in her actions, because I don’t feel he values my conservatism and more emotionally reserved nature. How can he love and defend someone who rejects my core values?

He seems to have double standards: what is allowed for Sarah isn’t allowed for your male acquaintances. You also doubt that what he is allowing to himself (having such a level of emotional intimacy with Sarah) he would allow to you, even if he claims he would:

In our arguments he has insisted that he would not mind at all if I wanted to make more emotionally intimate male friends, but this I don’t believe. He’s very moralistic and tends to judge other men very harshly on matters of right/wrong. I can point to many signs he wouldn’t be okay with me having the same level of intimacy in a friendship with another man.

It seems he is strict and judgmental with some people, but very relaxed and full of understanding with other people – for the same kind of behavior.

I would take all of this into account, Ada. Also this what you said about your past relationships:

I have felt insecure in relationships before, but not anything I couldn’t reason through with my partner, and never to this extent.

So maybe it’s not up to you, but up to him?

Dear Ada,

I said at the beginning of this that your message says what I wanted to hear, but I think it’s also what I needed to hear. I needed to know that, at the very least, I am not being unreasonable, and that someone in a similar situation could come to the same conclusions. I think that validation alone will help me in whatever direction this situation resolves in. Thank you.

you’re welcome, Ada! I feel your struggle and your sincere attempts to be fair and objective, to not cause harm or be unfair to Sam. You want to respect him fully and take into account his perspective. You don’t want to hurt him, you don’t want your “selfishness” to limit him in any way.

You’re open to self-reflection and introspection, and if I understood well, your goal is to improve yourself and become a better person (“the question is really what I can accept in a relationship, and what growth for me looks like”.).

I must say that my impression is that Sam is not equally open to self-reflection and introspection. Instead of at least considering that his daily contact and round-the-clock immersion in Sarah’s life and problems might not the healthiest way to live – especially if you are in a relationship with another person – he keeps claiming that that’s the ideal kind of relationship:

Sam would say that the level of intimacy he has with Sarah is healthy, and even desirable, in a best friend, and that I’m the one who needs to be healed

This is how immersed he was in her life at one point:
“He messaged her constantly, every day, talking on the phone at least once a week, or whenever something was hard to explain over text. He’d talk to her about everything that was going on in his daily life, things that happened at work, body pains, Amazon purchases, arguments with family members, memes he found… whatever he was doing at the moment. … basically, if he wasn’t talking to me or doing something else, he was messaging her”.

And then he calls you codependent on him, when in fact his behavior could be qualified as codependent on Sarah.

He is claiming that it would be completely normal and desirable to share all of the details of your life with other people (your friends), and not just him:

Sam would say this isn’t ideal, wouldn’t I want to be able to share all the details about my daily life to other people and not just him? I understand where he is coming from, but I suppose I just don’t feel much of that need.

No, a normal person wouldn’t want to share each moment of their life with multiple people. It’s not by chance that people live in couples, not in threesomes (unless they are practicing polyamory). It’s instinctual for us humans to deeply share with one particular person, whom we call our life partner. It’s not common to treat your life partner the same as your friends, minus the sex.

His idea of what a romantic partnership means seems very distorted. And you, unfortunately, have too much understanding for him. You say you understand where he is coming from. And I guess that’s because you want to be super fair to him, super understanding and empathic. You don’t want to hurt him.

But the problem is that his ideas are upside down, and hurtful to you. You don’t need to accept and justify them. You don’t need to try to understand (and tolerate) something that goes against your instincts and your better judgement. Even against common sense, I’d say.

It seems to me he has been gaslighting you and made you doubt yourself. You said:

My self-doubt, however, asks me if it’s just the one that I want to hear.

A part of you wanted to give up on your instincts and intuition and convince yourself that your needs are selfish. That you’re depriving him of his friendships. When you told him you don’t feel respected, he told you he doesn’t feel respected by you:

Me: I believe that you view her as a close friend, but the amount of emotional intimacy you have shared with her and want to share with her feels like a violation of our relationship. I feel like you don’t respect me or our relationship in the same way I do.
Him: I don’t feel respected either. I care about Sarah like a sister, it’s not fair to me it has to be like this. A close friendship should be emotionally intimate. Why does that have to take away from the intimacy of our relationship?

He repeated his same twisted belief that friendships should be equally emotionally intimate as romantic partnerships, and put the blame on you: you’re trying to limit me, you don’t know what a true friendship is, you’re the one who needs healing, you don’t respect me.

Regarding the explicit descriptions of Sarah’s sexual encounters, you had a strong feeling about that:

I wouldn’t want to hear about explicit details (I’m talking about sexual acts, details at the level of genitalia) from even a close female friend, no matter how funny, and I honestly find Sarah’s behavior disgusting on many levels.

And that’s a normal reaction: you wouldn’t want to hear about explicit sexual details even from a close female friend. But Sam convinced you, and you started justifying it, that it is somehow okay for Sarah to keep telling him about her sexual encounters, because it’s funny, and therefore harmless or something:

He genuinely does not think it is strange to be hearing about her sexual conquests or whatnot. At least in instances he’s shared with me, these intimate details seem to have been shared because they were funny, and maybe that’s why Sam doesn’t find it uncomfortable. And to be fair, it’s not like she is asking him for sex advice, she’s just telling him what happened.

You see? You tried your best to justify his condoning of Sarah’s vulgar talk and not batting an eye about it – whereas in truth, you feel disgusted by it and find it morally objectionable. You tried to suppress your instinct and your better judgment in order to humor him and accept his unacceptable behavior.

Please don’t take it as judgment and criticism of you – I don’t mean it like that at all. It’s more that I’m rather upset by his gaslighting and twisting of things to the point of confusing you and making you doubt your better judgment.

In a sense, while I’d label his behavior as enmeshment with a friend, he’d label mine as codependency with him. Of course, these are just labels and exaggerated, and a healthy relationship is somewhere in the middle. But the point still stands that we have two different perspectives that are both valid, and finding middle ground in the gray areas is challenging.

Well, I don’t think that both of your perspectives are valid. You don’t strike me as codependent on him. You simply want a normal healthy relationship. Whereas he has strange ideas about what a healthy intimate relationship is. And he’s trying to force those ideas on you, making you doubt yourself.

As a result, you started believing that truth is somewhere in the middle, and that you should find a compromise. Luckily, your inner voice is strong enough and didn’t want to accept a compromise on things that shouldn’t be compromised on, such as your core values. And I encourage you not to accept such a compromise – where you compromise your core values.

I’m sorry if I sound “strict”, but I feel he’s gaslighting you, and I really don’t like it. I don’t know how you feel about what I’ve said? Please, don’t take it as judgment, but as sounding an alarm bell. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I felt the need to speak up.

Dear Ada,

You’re welcome! I’m glad you were able to express your internal conflict and the dichotomy in understanding/accepting Sam’s actions. And that you see this internal conflict so clearly.

Perhaps the most important question you’re asking is this:

The level of emotional intimacy Sam has with Sarah I would consider romantic. These are my boundaries. But I genuinely believe that Sam does not consider it romantic — he doesn’t feel romantic feelings for her. So if I believe this about Sam, does it even matter that I consider it romantic? Am I the one who is not able to honor his feelings due to my own selfishness? I have asked myself these questions in circles, only to be more confused and conflicted.

So you’re asking: if he sees no harm in being emotionally intimate with Sarah, and he has a need to have that level of closeness, and he sees it as completely innocent – who am I to judge him? Who am I to require him to change his emotional sharing with Sarah? Am I not the selfish one in this story?

And my answer is: no, you’re not selfish. And the reason is that his emotional connection with Sarah is more like enmeshment. Enmeshment is not the same as love. It’s a distorted version of love and caring for someone.

What seems to be happening is that Sarah, as you said, is an emotionally wounded person with her own issues, which probably cause her to be promiscuous and engage in the kind of relationships with men that in the past have led to 2 unwanted pregnancies:

She’s flirtatious, promiscuous

She will call him crying about problems in her relationships, and he consoles her. She’s always having problems in her relationships as she’s emotionally damaged,

So what I believe is happening is that instead of working on herself and changing those unhealthy patterns, she is repeating those behaviors again and again, and then running to Sam for comfort and consolation. She uses him as her shoulder to cry on, her confidante and perhaps her therapist.

I don’t know if he’s ever suggested her to seek therapy (which is what she would need), but clearly, he’s not really helping her heal those patterns. He is kind of enabling her by listening to her “love troubles” and even her explicit descriptions of sex with other men. That’s neither therapeutic nor does it serve any helpful purpose. And as Alessa said, “Some people do over share their sexual exploits as a way of flirting.”

By allowing her to come to him with the same problems over and over again, he is actually enabling her, rather than giving her friendly support. Because a good friend would tell her to seek professional help.

Sam did grow up lonely and not feeling like he belonged. There is a part of him that wants to seek out friendships like a child. What I view as blatant boundary violations he views as acts of an ideal friendship, a sense of connection that he didn’t have growing up. I believe too that an ideal friendship should be one where we can feel unconditionally accepted and safe.

We can unconditionally accept someone as a person, but we can have issues with a particular behavior. If you ask me, listening to her sexual escapades is not a sign of friendly love and care, but I believe, of enabling and weak boundaries. Do you know if he feels comfortable hearing such things, or only listens out of politeness?

Sam reaches for emotional connection with other people and me in a way that I have not seen from other men I have dated. I’m conflicted on this, because his emotionality is one of the reasons I love Sam so deeply — besides this issue with Sarah, our relationship has been emotionally vulnerable, honest, and loving.

That’s good to hear. So he is someone who talks about his feelings openly, with you too. You don’t feel like he’s hiding something from you, or not expressing what he’s really feeling.

At the same time, his constant seeking of attention, validation, and need for deep emotional connection with other people is also what pushes me away from him in this case.

Okay, so you recognize that his need for having emotional intimacy with multiple other people – the kind of intimacy that is usually reserved for a romantic relationship – is probably fueled by an unmet emotional need. This could be his inner child seeking belonging, and achieving that by being enmeshed with others emotionally, and not being able to set appropriate boundaries.

But if so, still, it’s an unmet need, and would need to be healed, rather than accepted as his style, as him having a different “emotional map”. His map is different because he is missing something, and he would need to heal that in order to have truly healthy relationships. At least that’s how I see it.

So I still believe you’re not selfish for wanting him to set boundaries with Sarah, and in general, for wanting him to have a different level of intimacy with you than he has with his friends.

You said he had a similar kind of dysfunctional childhood as Sarah (“She’s experienced similar dysfunctional family dynamics in her upbringing and Sam bonded with her over that.”). Has he worked on his childhood issues in therapy? Is he open to that?

Dear Ada,

one more thing:

Sam has said that perhaps there is a cultural difference at play here. He moved to the US when he was 10 years old from Europe (France, specifically), and he has suggested that European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, whereas American culture is suspicious of them. This stereotype seems to exist in my mind as well, but how true it is in reality I’m not sure.

I’m from Europe and I wouldn’t say European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, particularly if they involve a level of emotional intimacy that resembles a romantic relationship. If we talk about stereotypes, maybe someone from Southern Europe is more emotionally expressive than someone from Northern Europe, but very intimate opposite-sex friendships are not common at all.

One positive thing he said is this: I’ve never talked about our relationship to her.

If he’s not complaining about your relationship to her, or discussing intimate details of your relationship, that’s a good thing. Because that’s one of the main signs of emotional infidelity, i.e. emotional affair.

But still, even if he’s not discussing your relationship, being so emotionally attached to her to the point of discussing her sexual encounters with other men crosses the boundary of even good taste. There’s no reason for him to listen to those intimate details, even she wants to share it.

He would need to set a boundary at least on that, and if he isn’t willing, the question is why. Why he feels the need to engage in that type of sharing, and then to claim there is nothing wrong about it.

Dear Confusedasf,

good to hear from you! And please don’t apologize if you feel confused – that’s totally okay.

I’m not sure what’s going on now. We broke up, but he misses me, I miss him, neither of us hinted at anything of moving forward or anything else. We are just stuck in the stage of missing each other. What is this?

Well, for you I think it is the realization that if something doesn’t change fundamentally, there will more of the same if you get back together. You said it here:

I don’t want to sit in the false hope thinking he might feel better, and we might get back together.

And you’re right! Just because he told you he’s currently not drinking and is feeling better doesn’t mean that he won’t relapse when things get stressful again. Because that has been his pattern:

he has a drinking problem, when stress overflows, he relapses, which makes his life even more out of control.

People with a long-standing drinking problem cannot just get sober without any therapy and any internal work. What he is telling you now:

He is sober now and it’s hard, but he believes that he got this and have the faith in himself to stay sober.

… is unfortunately wishful thinking. He cannot pull himself up by his own bootstraps. He needs external help. Sooner or later he will feel stressed out and will relapse.

If he keeps refusing therapy, it means he is not willing to face himself and his trauma just yet. He is not willing to self-reflect and do the necessary steps to get better – like you’re doing. And this isn’t really sustainable because it won’t make for a healthy relationship.

He told you he misses you more than before, and that it’s actually because he is sober:

he misses me a lot especially now he’s sober, he misses more than before.

But without any therapy, he will relapse again and then he won’t miss you. He will seek consolation in the bottle – and that’s when he doesn’t need anyone. It’s like that with alcoholism or any other addiction, unfortunately.

I don’t want to know that we both miss each other, but there’s nothing we can do about it.

You both can do something about it – you’re already doing your part (self-reflection, therapy), but he seems not to be willing to do his part. He is fooling himself that he can do it on his own.

Unless he is willing to seek help, he is not really “doing anything about it”. He’s not doing anything towards you two getting back together in a healthier way.

He didn’t even offer to get back together, maybe because a part of him knows he isn’t able to remain sober. Maybe he is leaving it to you to make the first move. But if I were you, I wouldn’t. Your response to him was perfect, actually:

I responded that knowing he is doing better makes me happy, shared a little about my life, how I reflected and learning how to deal with myself and my emotions. told him I miss him as well and hope everything goes well with him.

And you can leave it at that. The truth is that unless he seeks help, everything will not go well with him. But he needs to make that decision. Right now, he seems not willing to, since he already cancelled therapy twice and now he’s claiming he’s strong enough to push through it by himself.

With that, he basically told you his stance on therapy and facing himself, getting more self-awareness and all that. He’s not willing to go through it at this point. He’s almost like telling you “these are my conditions.” And he’s leaving it up to you whether to take it (i.e. seek reconciliation) or leave it.

That’s what I think is going on. He told you his conditions, and he’s not making the first move. He is leaving it up to you.

And my advice is not to take it… because it will be just more of the same….

Let me know your feelings about all of this…

And in the meanwhile, take care <3

Dear Confusedasf,

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better and are continuing to work on yourself and understanding yourself better. That’s the first step towards healing.

But I also understand you felt hurt by him following a new girl on Instagram. It could be a part of his bigger problem of lack of commitment to working on his issues. Instead, he is taking an easier route – to keep numbing himself with alcohol, avoiding or postponing therapy, and just refusing to take responsibility.

So I think you’re right in distancing yourself from him, because he doesn’t seem to want to get better, at least not at this point. As you say: “That’s also part of the reason I kind of give up because he seems knowing the issue but not taking it seriously enough to prioritize himself first”.

As for how to get him back, I don’t know, I don’t know when I will be ready, when he will be ready, if we both would move on, or if we both would work on ourselves. I love him and of course I wanted the latter one, but idk about him, I feel like a fool sometimes.

Knowing that he is not serious about getting better at this point, I think you should prioritize yourself and focus on your own healing. Because nudging him and waiting around for him to change his attitude does seem a bit naive at the moment. Unfortunately. He is choosing the old patterns, as it seems, while you’re choosing healing and growth. And you’re not really compatible from that point of view, even though you share a lot of common interests otherwise.

As for my reflection, I noticed that I had a pattern of abandoning my partner when they were experiencing emotional difficulties because of my insecurity. I give up on a relationship whenever I feel uncomfortable, instead of working through the problem with my people. … I also never went single for more than 2 months, which says a lot. I experience all kinds of anxiety when I’m single, and when I’m not, I can comfortably focus on work, life, etc.

That’s a great observation. It seems that being in a relationship helps you calm down your anxiety, which you feel whenever you’re single. It seems that being single triggers a sense of danger and lack of safety – a fear that you won’t be able to cope alone, emotionally. We build this basic sense of safety during our childhood, through the relationship with our parents or primary caregivers.

You don’t need to answer if you feel uncomfortable, but could it be that you didn’t get enough emotional support and soothing as a child? That you felt anxious and afraid a lot?

I myself grew up feeling anxious, because my mother was not an emotionally safe person. She criticized me a lot, but also instilled fear in me through her own fears. So I grew up with fear and anxiety deep in my bones. I wonder if you’ve experienced something similar?

If we as children didn’t get that basic sense of safety – either physical or emotional or both – we will end up with chronic anxiety, that’s like our basic state. The basic state of our nervous system. We’re constantly in fight-or-flight, always looking for danger and how to avoid it.

And one strategy to avoid that constant sense of danger is to have a partner to soothe us, to take care of our emotional needs. You did resonate with that idea. So that could be the reason why you never could stay single for more than 2 months. Because that basic anxiety becomes unbearable, and you cannot properly focus on work and just day-to-day life. (“I experience all kinds of anxiety when I’m single, and when I’m not, I can comfortably focus on work, life, etc.“)

Also very insightful, I need to learn and practice this, but idk how when I’m single, it seems each with friends, I can help my friends that way, but with partner, I see it differently.

It actually makes sense, because you need to feel okay internally before you can help others, such as your friends. But for you to feel okay internally, so far you needed a partner to emotionally regulate you. That was like your “stabilizer”. An external stabilizer.

Now, the goal would be to find your own inner “stabilizer”, i.e. the sense of safety and security that stems from within. It can be done with the help of therapy. It’s a process, it doesn’t happen over night, but it’s possible.

Let me know how this sounds?

Dear Tea,

It feels to me you’re on a self-discovery journey, on a quest for a deeper connection with your true self. It also seems your ex-boyfriend helped you reconnect to your true self, and this is what you are now missing:

with my last boyfriend, I worked through that and learned to trust and relax and enjoy sex, which was really transformative and healing for me. It was a big life moment. Thus, when we broke up (almost 2 yrs ago now) I think it was really painful for me to lose that kind of loving intimacy because it represented that progress for me from the physical pain of my past into a state of relaxation and self-connection. I felt so empty after that relationship ended. Like I lost a way of expressing myself that felt essential and beautiful to who I am.

It seems that with his help, you unlocked a part of yourself that is essential and beautiful – that is your True Self. Which had been suppressed for years before, having lived in a culture of religious purity (puritanism?), perhaps having to suppress not only your sexuality, but also the connection to your body, feelings and intuition as well?

He helped you free yourself from the “cramping” and constriction (both physical and metaphorical), and it was very liberating for you. As you say, a big life moment.

You say you’ve been considering moving abroad, or at least away from your city, in which you never felt like you belonged:

I have never felt like I truly belong in the city I live in. But I am also trying to grow my career and finances so I can stand on my own as a young woman. So I don’t know where else I would go right now. Part of me wants to work abroad, like teaching English abroad or doing Educational Tours or a Work-Exchange program or something, but I’m scared to do so as well. I have things tying me here, like family and I’m finishing up a masters degree this next year for my job. But part of me feels like I should just leave everything and figure out how to get out of here. Like maybe I can’t fall in love until I leave my city and everything I know?

Maybe you relate being stuck in this city with being stuck in that old mentality (or religious puritanism and suppression), where you cannot be yourself? You want to move away, but perhaps it’s not so much the physical move that you need, but the mental/spiritual move – a move towards your true self, away from constriction, suppression and cramping?

And it also seems that you believe you need a loving relationship with a man to unlock your potentials:

I have this persistent desire for physical intimacy and love that I feel frustrated by in a way that I can’t shake or express. It feels like I can’t move forward or feel brave or alive until I find a connection where I can share love and physical intimacy with.

It seems you’re waiting for a man, or rather a deep, intimate relationship with a man, to feel alive again, to feel courageous, to allow yourself to live life fully. Am I guessing this right?

You say:

I don’t feel a need to date around again, since that felt exhausting for my heart. I am just really craving deep friendship with a man to fall in love with, but I don’t know where to find that?

What if you actually need is a deep friendship with yourself? An emotional intimacy with yourself: getting in touch with your likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, desires… getting to know yourself on a deep level? Which perhaps wasn’t allowed in the family/social circle you grew up in?

Dear Sophie,

I’m glad you’re doing well and found the advice helpful.

I’d just like to mention one thing, which I think is important when navigating the relationship with a difficult/entitled/needy parent. It’s the difference between hurt and harm. Your mother might feel “hurt” if you don’t fulfill all of her wishes and meet all of her demands. Entitled people often do – they feel hurt when we don’t comply with their selfish demands.

However, it doesn’t mean she would be actually harmed by you saying No to some of her whims, or refusing to “rescue” her in some of her conflicts with neighbors, or other similar situations, where she is not in actual physical danger, but only her feelings are hurt.

Barbara Heffernan, in the video I mentioned before, says “Compassion does not excuse inexcusable behavior.” So when your mother requires you to get her out of trouble (which she herself created), but she isn’t actually in physical danger (no physical harm would befall her), you don’t necessarily have to jump to her rescue right away. As Alessa said, she might benefit from becoming more self-sufficient. And even if she would resent you (that’s inevitable), it would be better for both of you, on the long run.

Also, people with narcissistic tendencies (not claiming that your mother is one, but in case she is) only learn, i.e. only change their behavior when faced with consequences. So if she makes a mess, and isn’t in actual physical danger – let her experience the consequences of her own mess. Next time she will think twice before getting involved in some unnecessary conflict, or suchlike – because she’ll know you won’t be there to get her out of trouble.

So perhaps the difference between hurt and harm can give you a clue about when to intervene and when not. Of course, I know it’s not that simple, and there are nuances, but perhaps it’s something to consider?

I hope you’re taking good care of yourself and allowing time for yourself during the day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. And that you find the time to visit the gym from time to time!

Wishing you lots of luck and resilience!