Dear Alessa,

you’re very welcome!

That is why I tried to help explain things with you. I’m sorry that the explanation and the apologies didn’t help.

Yes, I remember you explaining what I meant to say to Anita, after my first “problematic” post (on radical acceptance), and then later too, after I spoke out regarding unfair accusations. You sort of “defended” me and tried to explain why I said what I said, because I assume you felt very uncomfortable about the growing conflict and wanted things to calm down, right?

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as any other kind of abuse. It weaves its way into the mind. You are a good person Tee.

Yeah it is, it might be more insidious and difficult for the child to spot. And a part of me did believe my mother when she said those things.

Still, the abuse you went through is horrendous and I can imagine it impacted you in significant ways. But luckily, you’re healing now and becoming stronger and more compassionate every day <3

Although, I meant that I learned to stay calm in the moment by being emotionally vulnerable. I used to be afraid of vulnerability during conflict with my mother because she would be encouraged to abuse me more. With others, I was afraid of being rejected. Ironically, I often shut down emotionally when I felt rejected. One day I realised that there is nothing to fear because I have already been rejected. The vulnerability helps me to connect to empathy in the moment.

Aah I see! Yeah, being vulnerable (open and honest about our feelings) with the abuser is often an invitation for more abuse. I’ve learned that too. And indeed, people usually brace themselves during conflict and are in the defense mode (fight-or-flight). In that mode, empathy is not really switched on, and the reptilian brain leads the show.

What you’re saying is that you try to stay connected to your vulnerability, i.e. have empathy both for yourself and for the person you’re having a disagreement with, right? You show understanding for the other person (or for everyone involved in the conflict), and try to see everyone’s perspective, keeping an open heart towards everyone, rather than closing your heart.

To me, it seems like I was instantly cast aside simply for having a different perspective.
Also, I set a boundary that was actively rejected.

Yes, I remember that. Anita refused to talk to you, i.e. talk about what’s bothering her, and requested that no one post in her thread. But then she continued “journaling” and speaking badly about both of us in her journal. And she refused to stop, even after you asked her to. That was pretty painful to witness.

Anita might be under the false impression that we got what we wanted. But we didn’t want this. We wished that she was able to understand where we were coming from and for it not to get to this point. Her doing something because a moderator told her to is not the same thing as respecting our boundaries. She is honouring a boundary set by Lori, not with me.

Yeah, I know… Well, I’ve got to say that I was rather surprised, and honestly, a bit upset when I saw Anita posted in your thread this morning, expressing empathy and compassion for the suffering you went through as a child, however without saying a word about the past conflict, or offering an apology.

To me, that’s not how you repair a relationship. You cannot just pretend that nothing happened and walk in as if no harm was done previously. You cannot continue business-as-usual without acknowledging and taking responsibility for your past actions. Because that in itself can feel like abuse.

Hi Alessa,

Would you like to share how you feel? Perhaps it might be nice to offer each other empathy and reassurance?

Thanks for asking, Alessa. I actually feel fine. I’m glad that more people recognized that something wasn’t right in how this whole thing played out, and spoke out. That was huge, because I didn’t feel alone and it confirmed that others too saw what I saw.

I’ve been also examining myself and whether I overreacted. Well, I can actually pin-point the exact moment when I’ve felt a bit of a foul play going on, and I couldn’t tolerate it. And that’s when Anita tried to enlist the community’s support, claiming that I’m not supportive enough (even after I’ve apologized), that you, Alessa, are super supportive, as well as implying that whoever doesn’t agree with her, is endangering the community (Community- isn’t it about we coming together, for the betterment of “we”?).

That’s where I felt the sting. And that’s where I decided to stand up for myself. And from there on, it escalated.

So yeah, that was my “trigger”, if you will. But I don’t feel I should have let it slide… but I’m open to feedback about it…

For me, I would say that it hurts when boundaries are ignored. All we really wanted was a little kindness.

Can you be more specific? How do you feel boundaries were ignored in this specific situation with Anita?

Dear Silvery Blue (or you prefer Jana?),

I really appreciate you starting this thread and exploring ways to remain compassionate and open-hearted even during conflict.

I also appreciate that you noticed the mistreatment that happened on the forums and named it:

And about this forum…

I have to say that for me… the words that were said in the conflict that took place here in this forum… that people who have a different opinion are “invalidating” and continuing the work of a person who was truly cruel… are really hard.

I know that the moment of trigger can blind us and we say things we really don’t mean. I did it. I came back and apologized, because I felt I crossed the line… It makes the difference: see, understand and acknowledge my own mistake and apologize.

But… to be accused of being the same as an abuser for different opinions… on a public forum… and let it go silent… that can hurt a lot… and it can last long time…

Thank you for acknowledging what happened. Luckily, it didn’t go silent. I didn’t want to stay silent so I reacted, and certain measures were taken. Also, other people chimed it and showed their support, for which I am very grateful.

Unfortunately, Anita chose to stop communicating, and judging from her posts on other threads (as well as here, at the very beginning of the thread), she still believes she is the party that has been harmed, and that by shutting down communication, she is protecting herself from further harm.

Unfortunately, that is her view and nothing can be done about it. I’m afraid this is one of those unsolvable conflicts, as Lucidity put it, where (at least for now) there is no possibility for satisfactory resolution. It does leave a bitter taste in the mouth, but we can’t do much but “radically accept” that that’s the current state of affairs.

I should stop trying so hard to make this place safe… to make it what Peter wrote about… to create a culture of respect where people can speak honestly, listen deeply, and stay engaged even when it’s hard. It’s about courage and care, not comfort at all costs.

Dear Jana, I think that by starting this thread and getting the people to talk about this sensitive, yet extremely important topic – you already contributed to making these forums a safer space. Because of you, we’re now talking about it and exploring various aspects of what it means to be compassionate in the face of conflict. Thank you for that!

I came to a realization that in my strong need to protect others, I always lose myself in the end. But when I try to break this habit, I always hit a wall.

Thank you for trying to protect people who were directly involved (myself included), as well as the safety of the forums! <3 In that endeavor, you haven’t lost yourself – you remained true to yourself. And you were willing to explore even your own triggers and look deeper into yourself, which is truly a sign of maturity.

You have a big heart, Jana, and I’m very grateful for your presence here! <3

* correction: because you’re giving him your attention

Dear Dafne,

Moving in with someone can sometimes make it harder to maintain clear boundaries, especially physical ones. I might be at risk that the other person pushes the limits I’m not comfortable with – or I might feel pressured – it could create stress, tension, or even harm the relationship.

Sure, and in most cases moving in together implies sexual intimacy as well, so if you don’t want that before marriage, then I guess there’s no point in living together, because it would be hard to maintain physical boundary in those circumstances.

Moving in together (even with the best of intentions and marriage as an end goal) doesn’t guarantee it will lead to marriage and might be a waste of time. It is like putting the horse before the carriage.

Also, it creates investments -emotional, financial, practical – but without a guaranteed commitment, he can decide to leave any time. This can lead to emotional stress.

Right, he can indeed. The way I see it: if someone wants to leave and it turns out they’re not compatible, it’s better they leave earlier than later, when you already have children and other (e.g. financial) commitments. My view is that it hurts less when someone’s true character is revealed sooner than later.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that the only way to get to know the person is by living together. I’m only saying that it’s better to get to know them – safely, without getting pregnant or getting involved in other long-term arrangements – before actually making the commitment of marriage.

In fact, with some types of people, e.g. narcissistic people, they’re known to pretend and not show their true colors until after the wedding day. They can be on their best behavior for an extended period of time, even up to a year, and then once you get married, they suddenly change, almost making a 180 deg turn.

Bill Eddy, social worker and lawyer in the family court, writes extensively about these kinds of people (he calls them high-conflict personalities, HCPs), and how to spot them already in the dating phase. You might want to read some of his articles, for example:

Dating Radar: 3 Ways to Spot Trouble Ahead
Dating? Why Wait a Year to Commit?
4 Red Flags of a High-Conflict Partner

(all of those articles are on psychologytoday dot com)

Problematic partners are those who blame others a lot, aren’t willing to admit their own mistakes, who don’t care about your feelings, who get into rage for minor disagreements, who you feel you cannot be yourself around because they get offended very easily, etc.

I think the last guy you were dating had some characteristics of a problematic partner: he would blame you and get offended if you asked valid questions about his business deals. He had no empathy for you when you got in trouble on the motorway but actually blamed you for the incident, and left you alone to deal with the problem. He abandoned you in times of need.

Anyway, something to keep in mind is that not even getting married is a guarantee for a healthy and happy marriage. Because some of the most problematic people might actually wait till the wedding day to show their true colors.

But as Billy Eddy says, certain behaviors give them away, such as love bombing, being too good to be true, pretending that they like the same things as you do (same taste in music, art, hobbies, etc), being unkind with “unimportant” people (unimportant in their eyes) such as waiters, while being extremely kind and polite with people they consider useful and important, etc.

I guess if you see a certain duplicity: that the person is kind and humble with certain people, while being rude and arrogant with other people (whom they consider “unimportant”) – that’s a big red flag.

There is some level of trust in me, but I still keep my guard up. As the elders always said, marriage -only marriage – opens the eyes, and love is blind. So until then, you have to keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, you are bound legally and in any other way, so better to make sure he is the person he says he is.

Yes, if our love is blind – if we don’t learn to recognize red flags in someone’s behavior and e.g. fall for their fake charm – then unfortunately the only thing that will open our eyes is marriage. That’s when they’ll show their true colors. But the goal is to have our “dating radar” working properly, so we can spot problematic people on time, before getting married.

And a part of that endeavor (of having a well-working dating radar) is to heal our childhood wounds. Because exactly our unmet emotional needs and subconscious fears is what can mess up with our dating radar. And that’s what I’m trying to stress – because that’s the key in picking a good partner. In addition to knowing what the red flags are and what behaviors to pay attention to.

There’s also a short and sweet video about relationship green flags, by Tess Brighman. It’s on youtube, if you want to check it out. Here’s what she says: the person listens to you, they have empathy, they have a level of self-awareness, you can count on them, and they treat people kindly.

I hope this helps answer some of your questions <3

Sending you lots of love! <3

Dear Dafne,

I’m still traveling and not frequently at the computer. I’ll write more in a few days. But I’m glad you understand my intentions and don’t take offense at me trying to look at possible deeper issues <3

But I’m also aware that things are not that simple and there are no easy solutions. But you’re getting more and more clarity, and starting to love yourself more and more, which is key in the whole process!

Dear Dafne, I’ve got to rush now, but hope to talk to you soon!

Lots of love! <3

Dear Peace,

congratulations on becoming a mom! I’m happy for you! <3 I’m also glad that you’re happy in your marriage and have a good, caring husband.

Wishing you continued peace and happiness! Take care! <3

Dear Dafne,

you’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed

Yes, very likely. Some people are like that – pretending to be kind only while it suits their needs, but once they have no use of you, they show their true face. But in fact, I don’t even think he was too kind during the relationship, based on what you’ve shared about him. I mean, he might have been kind in not pushing physical contact (i.e. respecting your wish), but he was manipulating you emotionally, very likely lying about his business affairs, and in general, pretending to be someone he is not. And then the last blow was his total lack of empathy after the motorway incident.

I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.

The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.

However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.

So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well?

There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for.

Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.

It’s okay it the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

I’m not sure that friendship with a man is what you should be aiming for, because a friendship between a single woman and a single man who like and respect each other (and who are both heterosexual) is rare, I believe.

I think you should better aim for a man who respects you as a person, in your entirety, and doesn’t want you only for sex, or in another extreme – doesn’t want to limit you only to the role of child bearer and home maker.

If the man wants to put you in a box, without seeing and respecting the fullness of who you are – that in my book is not a healthy, equal relationship.

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

I agree that in a healthy relationship, your partner should also be your friend: someone you like spending time with, you can be authentic with, you don’t need to pretend, you have shared values, shared interests etc. I guess this is what you should be looking for in a potential partner.

Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed 🙂 So it was kind of cool.

But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.

I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

I think what makes things harder is that you not only have to deal with your inner critic, but also with the outer critic, who is your mother.

The problem is that we as children believe our parents’ qualifications of us. We believe that we’re not good enough, that we’re incapable, inadequate, or even that we’re selfish if we want to follow our own goals and dreams.

So I think that’s a big problem: that you believe your mother (at least a part of you believes her) when she criticizes you. And so there is both the inner and the outer critic, working in unison. And since you’re living with your mother, the outer critic is always present, and it serves as a magnifier of your inner critic.

Unfortunately, in such a constellation it’s very hard to keep a positive self-image, i.e. to love yourself and feel confident about yourself, because it’s very easy to get overwhelmed by those two critics.

I think you’d need to find a way to separate yourself emotionally (since physically isn’t really possible at the moment) from your mother’s influence. To stop believing her allegations about you, her criticisms and judgments of you.

For example, if she tells you you’re selfish, you should tell yourself you’re not selfish. If she tries to make you feel guilty, you should know you’re not guilty for having needs and wants of your own. And so on.

Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.