Hi James,

İ am not saying that “oh don’t care about anyone because you don’t exist”. All i am saying that investigate the mind, which is you, who says oh i don’t care because I don’t exist, or Anita says this is nihilism etc…

All i am saying this, watch the mind, who says these sentences. İnternal dialogue / mind is not you and doesn’t belong to you. İt is just a mind and body function.

Let me ask you, James: who is engaging with us on this forum? Who is thinking these thoughts, arranging them into sentences, and then writing them down? If it’s not James, who is it? God? Nothing?

Hi James,

About experience of meditation that, when recognition happened that any experience belongs to body and mind, therefore no one to there to claim. James is dead. Therefore, Body feels pain yet there is no one to suffer. And that’s what Love is.

Oh James, I wish I could erase the physical pain in my body simply by telling myself that I don’t exist. Well, I can’t… the thought, the idea, that I don’t exist, doesn’t erase the physical pain of a broken bone, or a worn-out cartilage in the knee.

I can pretend that pain is neutral to me, or that it’s even enjoyable, but that would be lying to myself. Because there is someone who is feeling that pain, who is receiving the sensations (nerve impulses) coming from the body to the brain. And someone who is observing that pain.

Come to think of it, the pain is gone only in 3 cases: 1) the body heals, 2) you take strong medicine/sedatives that take away the pain temporarily, 3) you die (physically, not metaphysically). I’ve just looked it up: even people in wheelchair often feel pain in their limbs (so-called nerve pain), even if they can’t use their legs.

Anyway, if my body is hurting, I can’t pretend I’m not suffering, even though I can reduce my suffering by various means, including self-suggestion and positive thinking. In Buddhism, there is a term “the second arrow of suffering”, which means that we can make our pain worse (be it physical or emotional pain) by catastrophizing and interpreting the events in a non-favorable way, which only increases our suffering. So if we keep telling ourselves that our situation is hopeless and beyond repair, our pain is likely to increase.

If I understood you well, you say that Love is when you tell yourself that you don’t exist (Body feels pain yet there is no one to suffer. And that’s what Love is).

Pretty strange definition of love… Because love is a relational phenomenon… God loves his creation (a tree, a flower, animals, humans…). A mother loves her child. A person loves their beloved.

Love is about relation. So I can’t really wrap my head around the idea that God-as-Nothing would love Me-as-Nothing? Or am I not understanding you correctly?

Hi Alessa,

thank you for sharing with me more about your mother and why she chose to seek help. Yeah, it doesn’t seem it was for the right reasons, I mean she didn’t seek help because she was dangerous to her children but to herself. But the good part is that the authorities were informed and you eventually started going to therapy, and so the ball started rolling…

I understand your feelings about her not wanting to admit what she did and just giving you a general apology “for whatever she might have done wrong that she doesn’t remember”. I guess a part of her didn’t even want to admit it to herself.

It’s interesting she was discussing what you did to protect yourself from SA with her friend… was it because she wanted to paint you in a bad light, maybe prove that you were aggressive or rebellious with her, without disclosing what actually caused that aggression?

When I was a child I just hated my mother and recognised that I was becoming like her. I didn’t want to become like her. She told me that I was just like her. I tried my best to change as much as I could.

You definitely have changed a lot – you’ve changed yourself and you’ve changed the outcomes for your son! You can be really proud of yourself!! ❤️

And I think your mother was sort of brainwashing you into believing that you were just like her, when you were nothing like. You were a caring sister who was taking her of her little brother at the tender age of 4 or 5, if I remember well, while your mother was depriving you of food, for example.

I think telling those things to you was a way for her to feel better about herself and put you down. I’m glad she didn’t manage you convince you that your destiny will be the same as hers. You’ve risen above your trauma and are trailblazing a new path… it’s pretty remarkable ✨ ❤️

I am glad that your son got a place in a nursery that you prefer, even if it will happen a few months later. But as you said, it will give you more time to mentally prepare for the idea, and even do the potty training. 👍 It’s cute that he is showing more and more interest in the potty and was even sitting on it willingly. That’s a great development, proud mama Alessa! 😊

It is a difficult position to be in with the damaging effects of constant verbal abuse are only recently being acknowledged and previously constantly dismissed. Gaslighting, to the extreme. No one deserves to suffer alone. I’m glad that you fought for yourself to get through it all.

Yes, it’s insidious because the child feels sorry for their sad mother and wants to help her, and then feels bad for not being able to cheer her up. That part is perhaps the most damaging because it gives you a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which later spills into other areas of life.

So it’s very soul-crushing… and I wasn’t even aware of this hopeless part of me until I’ve started experiencing chronic health problem, particularly loss of mobility. 😕 And it’s still hard to deal with, but at least now I know that the hopelessness is almost a conditioned response, it stems from my childhood. And I can counter it by working with my inner child…

I’m glad you liked the resources about somatic tracking – I hope it will help you with chronic pain issues. And yes, it was a revelation for me too that just stress in itself can cause physical symptoms (such as lower back pain or neck pain), even though there is no actual physical injury.

But where there is an actual injury, it’s very tricky, because usually we think that the increase in pain means that the physical condition is worsening too, e.g. a bulge getting worse, which then brings the fear of surgery and other catastrophizing thoughts.

It was a huge relief for me to learn that back pain can get worse due to stress (muscle contractions) and sensitization of nerve endings. And so more pain doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m in a greater danger. The solution is to simply wait it out, till the flare is gone, and things will get better… anyway, you know all that, having been living with chronic pain yourself. 🫂 But it’s good, as long at it’s manageable! 🤞 🙏

Merry Christmas to you once again!! ✨ 🎄 ❤️

Dear Anita,

sorry to hear about Bogart’s getting sick in the car 🙁 Is there a way to do something about it, have you looked it up? I do hope he gets used to the car and that his stomach settles…

Alessa gave a great suggestion for the lower back: to wear a brace! Yes, it helps protect the lumbar spine, but as Alessa said, it should be warn only when needed, because otherwise the muscles atrophy.

What you can also do is the so-called core exercises for the spine, which strengthen the abdominal and back muscles, which in turn protect the spine (i.e. create a natural bracing effect).

Dear Anita, thank you so much for praying for me and my health! Yeah, chronic pain, coming from more sources, is no fun way to live. But as I said, I’m trying to think positively and not let my mind go to bad places.. so that only one arrow of suffering in present, not two 🙂

Thank you for your heartfelt prayers! 🤍 I am praying for you too and for the calming down of Bogart’s anxiety (and stomach issues), so he can be one happy pup, and you one happy and satisfied dog Mom 😊

🤍 🙏 🫶 🤍

Dear Anita,

merry Christmas to you too! 🎄 ✨ 🎅 🤍 (sorry for stealing some emojis from you, I like them a lot 😊 )

It was a pleasure to accompany you on your journey of understanding yourself and your past better, and stepping into a new, healthier, more fulfilling Now. 🤍 🫶 🤍

I am happy you’re getting along well with Bogart, although he’s still showing some anxiety. I hope this will settle too and he’ll be more enthusiastic to be among other dogs. Fingers crossed for that, Anita! 🤞 🙏

Take care of yourself and your back too! What I’ve learned from having a disc bulge, it’s important to keep your back fairly straight while lowering yourself to pick things up, and pick up from your knees (no bending at the waist). I hope you can find some good suggestions on the internet!

🤍 🫶 🙏 🫶 🤍

Hi James,

I’d rather not write this message so close to Christmas, but I feel I need to address what you’ve been expressing about the members of this forum for a while already.

You’ve been expressing contempt not only for our beliefs, which might differ from yours, but also for the way we interact with each other, calling it fake kindness and a lie. You keep claiming we’re stuck in the ego and in our comfort zone, unwilling to accept the “ultimate truth.”

What is really happening is that if someone doesn’t agree with you, you label them as stuck in their ego. You judge them as living a lie.

If someone sincerely tries to help another person, cares about them and shows empathy, you accuse them that their compassion is fake and a lie. And that they are not even aware they’re living a lie.

Unfortunately, James, your style is very confrontational, and you believe this is what true love is. But no, James. The way I see it, you’re accusing sincere people or lying, because kindness seems to be triggering for you.

You claim: Life is suffering. Period.

James, October 3:

All to people in forum of Tiny Buddha: Life is suffering. Buddha.

Whereas Buddha said (and Roberta pointed out to you) the entirety of the Buddha’s teachings:

The first Noble Truth is that there is suffering.
The second is that there is a cause of suffering.
The third is that there is an end of suffering.
And the fourth is that there is a way leading to the end of suffering: The Eightfold Path

Life is not just suffering. And we might be able to alleviate our suffering. And for some people, it might happen by following a different path and a different set of beliefs than what you’re advocating for. Namely, you seem to believe in total disappearing (Sept 2):

The reason Being, God or Godhead cannot be claimed is simple: the so-called Godhead or God is total disappearing. There is no “me,” no experience, no awareness, no being, no life, no consciousness, no body, no universe, no state, no enlightenment, no mind, nothing at all exists there.

This is the so-called Godhead: not a state, not an experience, not silence, not presence, only total disappearing. Nothing has ever appeared, nothing has ever disappeared.

Some of us might believe differently. Some of us might alleviate our suffering differently. Does that make us ignorant and stuck in our ego?

For this Christmas, I wish for everyone to alleviate their suffering, not by staying in the ego and using the ego’s methods (such as negating the problem, numbing the pain, gaslighting ourselves, projecting on others, accusing and blaming others, etc), but by surrendering our ego and stepping into our True Self. I wish that both for myself and for everyone on this forum.

🙏 ✨ 🙏

Dear Anita,

thank you 🤍 I’m okay, managing my health situation, and that’s good enough for me 🙏

I hope your journey went well and you came back with a cute puppy 😊 🤍

Yes, I remember now you talking about Boe, Hunter and Kooper at various times… you say Boe and Hunter are gone now – you mean sold to new owners? Is Kooper still visiting you (or his anxiety doesn’t let him)?

It’s interesting what you’ve shared recently on Peter’s thread:

What’s been in my way is another belief: that my mother was good, and since she told me I was bad, she must be right. That message was drilled into me for decades, and I still find myself pulled back into seeing her as good, which automatically means I am bad. It’s like old pathways in my brain that keep re‑activating.

Yet I wonder now, following your invitation: what if I build a new pathway that doesn’t depend on her at all? One that simply says “I am good,” without needing to see her in any particular way. A truth that is mine alone, one that’s not dependent on seeing her any which way?

Yes, it would be good if you could see yourself (and your self-worth) as completely independent of her. You’re a separate being, a separate person, and you’re not defined by her opinion of you. What she believes of you is irrelevant, and I hope you’re accepting that more and more.

Because a narcissistic mother’s opinion of us isn’t relevant at all. It’s always and without exception a negative, unfavorable opinion, which has nothing to do with truth. So the less you feel defined by her opinion, or even affected by her opinion, the better off you’ll be.

Also, seeing yourself or defining yourself in relation to her – that too is a trap, as you’ve noticed well. And I agree, the solution would be to “build a new pathway that doesn’t depend on her at all? One that simply says “I am good,” without needing to see her in any particular way.” — Yess!!

I’ve just read you’re riding through a storm at the moment… I hope it’s still safe enough!! Please take care!

🙏 🫶 🤍 🫶 🙏

Hi Alessa,

thank you for your kind words and prayers ❤️ Truth be told, I’m not that resilient, or rather, I’m learning to become more resilient, since the circumstances are forcing me… but I hope things improve soon enough 🙏

I’m happy that the postpartum depression (as well as pre-birth mental health screening) are all behind you now, and that you’ve found a good therapist whom you trust and feel safe with ❤️

Yes, that sounds like a very challenging and scary period, but you did your best, were well prepared, arranged help… and you’ve made it! You’re now on the other side, sailing some calmer waters, and you seem well equipped to deal with any potential challenges. So again, kudos to you, Alessa, for being such a great mom! 🤞❤️

What are your favourite techniques for emotionally regulating? I was curious about your mention of somatic techniques earlier. I’m always keen to try new things.

For me, the most eye-opening was the idea that my chronic back pain (which has thankfully subsided in the last year or so) usually gets worse if I’m fearing it, i.e. if my brain is interpreting it as something dangerous. Because that’s when the muscles contract, leading to even more pain. The more I focus on the pain, fearing it and catastrophizing about the future, the worse off I’m going to be.

There is a youtube video that nicely demonstrates how to deal with pain anxiety, and how observing it with curiosity rather than fearing it and panicking about it – is likely to reduce the symptoms. The video is titled Anxiety Regulation to Reduce Chronic Pain (pt 2 of 2) — Pain Reprocessing with Alan Gordon, LCSW, and it’s on the youtube channel called “This Might Hurt.”

The method is called somatic tracking. Another therapist, Tanner Murtagh, also has a very good youtube channel on somatic tracking. The goal is to feel more safe in the body and not associate pain with danger. Basically, being curious and simply observe the pain, similarly to how one would observe their emotions in mindfulness meditation.

Other somatic tools are simple ones, like belly breathing with a longer exhale, or self-hug, or various grounding techniques.

But to be honest, when I’m sad or upset, the best method for me is to let myself feel it (have a good cry 😊), and in the process even come to certain insights. So emotional release and processing, of course in the safety and privacy of my home…

She tried to get help by the time I was in my tweens. She was taking medication for a while before, but the doctor she had was not helpful and just brushed her off as depressed. She needed a lot more than antidepressants.

Perhaps one good thing about your mother is that she did eventually seek help, even though you’d suffered a lot before that happened. I’m sorry she didn’t get proper treatment at first and that her condition was brushed off as depression, all the while she was abusive to you and your brother 😕

Good that she eventually let you see a psychologist on your own – which means that her grip on you did subside a little, I hope? Like, she could see that what she was doing is not normal, so there was some self-awareness in there, even if it’s just an inkling… and that I guess helped you free yourself from her grip, slowly but surely…

That is a shame your school psychologist didn’t bother with other kids only the troublesome ones. I agree, all children should be supported to the fullest extent. You deserved help and care as much as any other child.

Ah, that was normal in those times. I never considered myself abused. It was emotional abuse “only” – I guess not even adults knew about it in those times, not to mention children. I guess broken bones and a bruised face (and perhaps sudden bad marks) would have been the only warning signs that mattered. But in the absence of that, it wasn’t an issue. Not even I knew there was an issue… (thankfully I know now 🙏)

I feel like teachers are in the best position to pick up on difficulties that children have, since they spend the most time with them. It would be great if they had some trauma informed training to spot signs of difficulties and I agree with you about mental health support. It is such a shame that they are so overworked

Yeah, trauma informed training for teachers, that would be amazing. But I guess the biggest task still lies on the parents and their level of awareness. It’s good that more and more parents have started to learn about conscious parenting and realizing that the child’s emotional needs are important too, not just their physical needs. So that’s something that brings hope for future generations… 🤞 🙏

Thanks so much for your kindness and support, Alessa!

❤️❤️