Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I’ve first heard of Dr. Lepera here on tinybuddha, and recently I’ve come across her youtube videos – and I am loving them! Lots of material on healing the inner child, responding to triggers, healing trauma etc. Very simple and easy to understand. I highly recommend it!
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Exactly, I would feel so guilty if I didn’t critisize myself then I wouldn’t move forward.
OK, so now that you realize that criticizing yourself won’t really help, maybe you can stop yourself when you notice it. Just notice it and tell yourself something like: “This is my inner critic, I am not listening to him. He thinks he is helpful but he is not, he only makes me feel worse. My inner critic doesn’t help me change. Loving and accepting myself does.”
I am learning to identify triggers. If I am reacting to something in the past or present. Trying to stop myself from self sabotaging, putting up walls, isolating myself.
Also trying to learn healthy coping mechanisms and self soothing so I don’t end up reacting instead of responding. It’s hard work and sometimes you just new to go out and not focus about healing but also living.
It is hard work because you want to be mindful of yourself and not just react from your wounds. I think the most important is to remain mindful as much as possible, i.e. to observe yourself as you go about your day. If you notice you react to something strongly, you can make a mental note of it that it’s your trigger. You can then later explore it (or share it here on the forum): what is it that you reacted to so strongly, what feelings came up, and what is the negative core belief behind it.
I know it’s hard to be mindful all the time, and specially to remain relatively calm (or rather, not too reactive) when we are triggered. Because that’s when our thinking brain shuts down….
I’ve recently been watching Dr. Nicole Lepera’s youtube videos, and she has a really great video on the topic of triggers. The title is “Here’s what to do when you’re triggered“.
She gives 3 key steps: (1) Breathe deeply, (2) Observe yourself as you are getting upset/”freaking out”, (3) Don’t judge yourself for the strong emotions you’re feeling, i.e. practice self-acceptance.
If you do that, a part of your thinking brain (the observer) will remain active, and it will help you not to be completely overwhelmed by the strong emotions you’re experiencing. I don’t know if you’ve tried this technique already?
It’s hard work and sometimes you just new to go out and not focus about healing but also living.
Right… Well, living involves triggers, and triggers cause us pain because they take us back into our childhood wounds. So if you just “live”, you’ll experience a lot of pain, until you heal that pain. But if you are mindful of yourself (i.e. observing yourself and noticing your triggers, e.g. as shown in Nicole Lepera’s video), you’ll experience less pain. So I think that being mindful while living/going about our day is actually well worth it…
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Yeah the inner critic didn’t do anything good for me anyhow so new approach can’t hurt.
Yes, some people think the inner critic is useful because it drives them to action, motivates them to change themselves. But it is never the case, because the real change can only start from the place of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Never from the place of “look at you, you suck, you better do something about it!”
Trauma work really is a lot hard work so i have to take breaks and rest as well.
What kind of trauma work are you doing at the moment?
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Yes, I will focus on this as a learning opportunity. I have noticed that i have started self sabotaging again, i get more defensive and push people away but that’s understandable with everything that has happened.
It’s great that you are observing yourself and noticing when you slip, or are tempted to slip, into the old patterns. I think one of those old patterns is to start judging and criticizing yourself, and not giving yourself credit for the achievements you’ve made. Recently you’ve criticized yourself for being a hypocrite, telling yourself that you are behaving the same way as he is – when in reality, you have broken your pattern of avoidance and emotional unavailability.
The good thing is that in spite of succumbing to the voice of the inner critic from time to time, you are also able to snap out of it pretty quickly, and see that this was a learning opportunity and not a failure. This is super important! To observe yourself and when you notice that your inner critic is rearing its ugly head, to tell him: “STOP! I am not listening to you. You want me to stay stuck in the past, blaming myself for my past mistakes, believing I can never change. But that’s not true! I am able to change and I have already proven it! I am making progress, I am changing my patterns, and I am not going back to my old ways! With every day, I am becoming more of my true self!”
You can also tell yourself: “I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I won’t always react in the best way possible. But it’s okay to slip up. We are allowed to make mistakes. If I fall down, I’ll get back up and keep walking. And that’s what really matters.”
I don’t know how this sounds to you, but perhaps it would help you to be more compassionate with yourself. It could be an antidote for those situations when you start criticizing yourself and minimizing the progress you’ve made.
What do you think?
TeeParticipantDear Sadlyconfused,
you are very welcome. I’ve been meaning to write to you earlier, but had to attend to some things this week and didn’t have that much time.
Yeah, my husband is kind, affectionate and dependable so I do feel safe with him. I know it is generally said that daughters of abusive fathers will often pick spouses who have the same traits. I think I turned it on its head a little bit in that I didn’t follow this pattern, however subconsciously I kind of expected more of the same.
I was pleased to hear that your husband is very different from your late father! In the beginning I was concerned that your husband might have some similarity with your father and not respect you enough. This was for the exact same reason that you mentioned: that we often choose partners who remind us of our parents. But it’s not the rule, because sometimes we seek partners who are the opposite of our parents, who can give us what our parents couldn’t… anyway, I am glad that you chose well!
My father passed away back in August and we hadn’t spoken for years.
I can imagine that you were relieved when your father passed away. Even if you weren’t on speaking terms for years prior to his death, you never knew what to to expect from him, because he was capable of doing nasty things, such as popping up at your office and making a scene. And so you were in a constant state of stress…
He wouldn’t take ownership of his behaviour or try to change it for the better, so sadly there was no way of having any meaningful relationship with him.
I know what you mean, because my mother is similar – she also doesn’t believe she did anything wrong in the way she raised me. In her mind, she is the victim and I am the villain, so there isn’t much base for an honest relationship. We do have a superficial contact, we see each other once or twice per year (I live in another country), and that’s it. Nothing deeper is possible, because she would immediately start blaming me. So unfortunately I need to keep my guard up, and our relationship is very very limited.
When I learned he was ill I was considering the possibility of reconnecting with him in a way that would have been surface level and required lots of boundaries, but he passed away very suddenly. Honestly, now he’s gone it’s been easier to grieve for the lack of relationship fully and to be kinder to myself about how everything went down. For years I felt a lot of shame and blamed myself for it all but I now see that I was between a rock and hard place when it came to him.
I totally understand you when you say you could have only reconnected on the surface level, and with lots of boundaries – that’s exactly how my relationship is with my mother in the past 3-4 years. Because I’ve realized there cannot be anything deeper.
Your father sounds like he was even more toxic than my mother. And so it’s totally understandable that you cut contact completely in the years prior to his death. Because you needed to protect yourself. Because each contact meant exposing yourself to more “poison”, and you didn’t want that.
So please don’t blame yourself for cutting contact – it’s was a self-protection measure. You did the right thing. If he had truly changed and wanted to repair the relationship before his death, he would have reached out to you. But he didn’t… It is sad, but if the parent is so blind and their heart so closed, there is nothing we can do.
One thing I’ve struggled with ever since I was a child is the feeling of unworthiness when I fear something innocuous, like a conversation with what I perceive to be an authority figure (for example, a GP), and the panic symptoms start to arise. I’ve only recently started to understand that there are probably little nuances to tone of voice or the setting that my brain links back to previous trauma (probably involving either my father or old school teachers), then when the physical sensations happen (flushed face, trembling voice) it turns into panic and shame over having such an ‘over the top’ reaction. It’s hard because I think people genuinely are confused by it, or take it personally, and I end up feeling ashamed of it.
Flushed face was my constant companion too, ever since primary school! I was sooo embarrassed of it, it made me feel like a freak, because it sometimes happened without any reason, when I wasn’t in a triggering situation at all. Like during class in secondary school – I was just sitting in my chair, listening to the teacher, and I felt my cheeks burning, and it was soooo uncomfortable.
I hated myself for having so reactive skin because in my mind, it revealed my shame and anxiety to everyone. I couldn’t fake it, I couldn’t pretend I was fine – because it was visible on my face that I wasn’t fine at all!
Later I’ve realized that I was so deeply ashamed of myself (due to my mother’s years of heavy criticism) that this shame became a key part of my personality. As John Bradshaw said, I was a person based on toxic shame. I was ashamed of even taking up space and walking this earth. Really. My “being” – simply sitting in the classroom, listening to the teacher – was interlaced with shame. And this shame produced a stress reaction in me, which in turned caused my cheeks to flush. This only reinforced the shame because now I had one more reason to be ashamed of myself!
Come to think about it, I was in a constant state of stress, because I believed there was something “terribly wrong” with me. And flushed cheeks only confirmed it. I was trapped in a vicious circle!
In reality, there was nothing wrong with me. I was lovable and worthy, but I didn’t know it, because my mother told me differently. I was ashamed of myself because my mother told me I should be ashamed of myself. Probably it was similar with your father. He was shaming you left and right, and you absorbed that message!
When I started working on myself, slowly healing the shame, realizing that I was lovable and there is nothing wrong with me… my cheeks also became less reactive. I wasn’t flushing so easily any more. I wasn’t anxious all the time when among people. I still don’t feel completely comfortable talking in front of many people, but at least I am comfortable in my own skin, being myself. And even when I need to express myself in a group, it’s fine. I can do it without freaking out because I know that I am fine and that there is nothing wrong with me.
So I believe that as you work on healing your shame, as you accept yourself more and more, your physical symptoms will lessen too. Because they are the consequence of the toxic shame that your father instilled in you… Once that is gone, the symptoms will be much less intense. And even if they appear, those symptoms will be less disturbing for you, because you’ll have greater compassion for yourself. You won’t hate yourself for your flushed cheeks and your trembling voice, but you’ll have compassion for yourself…
In fact, you may try it even now: before going into a triggering situation, where you know you’ll experience those physical sensations, try to talk to yourself with compassion and understanding. Perhaps you can talk to yourself like you would talk to a child: “It’s okay, dear. You are fine. I love you very much. And I accept you completely. Every bit of you, including your flushed cheeks and your trembling voice. You are perfect to me. And you are doing great! ”
Try experimenting with that, and see how it feels in your body….
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I wished him a happy birthday continued with my work and when I finish my shift he was playing pool with friends I looked at him smile and said bye. Being respectful and tried to show that I wasn’t affected by his present.
Perfect! You definitely should be proud of yourself!! You were friendly and respectful, but not clingy, not expecting anything from him, or resenting him or anything like that. His behavior also seems more normal – he wasn’t just sitting there, staring at you and not saying anything. He talked to you a little and then left to play pool when his friends arrived, right?
maybe self compassion is the way to go, looking at this situation with the guy as a learning opportunity instead of a failed romance.
Yes, self-compassion is the key to healing and growth. And yes, this was a big break-through for you and also a great learning opportunity. In one of my previous posts (on page 6) I suggested to you to reframe this experience and see it not as a failure but as lessons learned. Because I think it was a success for you personally and your personal development, even though he didn’t say yes. So I would actually view it as a victory, not as a failure.
TeeParticipantDear Caroline,
If this [walking in nature and engaging all of your senses] helps then I will practice that more.
Yes, it does help with grounding. The more grounded you are, the less chance that your nervous system will go automatically into dissociation. It’s like creating new neural pathways, which enable you to stay more present… Anyway, try it and let us know how it went…
I have still a lot to do and fix about me.
Sure, personal growth is a slow and gradual process, with ups and downs, and it never ends 🙂 Sometimes you’ll feel great about yourself, the next day you’ll feel like you’re back in the old patterns. Throughout it all, it’s important that you have compassion for yourself and are patient with yourself. If you haven’t succeeded to respond the way you wanted today, you can try again next time. Patience, self-compassion and taking small steps… I think those are key to progress.
Anita made a great point how watching TV (even trashy shows) is a way to unwind and calm down after a stressful day at work. We all need to unwind on a daily basis, to relax and soothe ourselves… With time, you’ll find better ways to soothe yourself: more of the self-care activities (such as talking walks, which you’re already doing), and less of the empty stuff, which doesn’t nurture your soul.
But as anita said, don’t be harsh on yourself if you sometimes end up binge watching on those TV shows… What you can do is you might limit the time you spend watching those shows, say instead of the entire afternoon and evening, you tell yourself that you’ll spend max 2 hours in front of the TV. So you make a compromise with yourself: a little bit of your favorite TV show, and a little bit of something else, which is a healthier/more nurturing type of relaxation. So no one loses and everyone wins 🙂
TeeParticipantDear Dan,
I think you would need to accept that for now, she isn’t accessible because her life situation hasn’t really changed since your separation: her children haven’t grown up and they haven’t suddenly changed their mind about you. She still feels guilty for being with you, and as anita said, by not having you in her life, she is at least relieved from some of that guilt.
I am sure that she feels guilty even now, trying to be a “perfect” mother and please everyone. But at least she doesn’t need to please you in addition to pleasing her children, and she doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by her children for seeing you. So two sources of guilt are gone, which makes her life a little easier. (Just to clarify: I think she felt a responsibility to please you too, because when she asked for separation, she said that she can’t be the woman you deserve. That wording shows that she felt guilty for not being able to please you and fulfill your expectations.)
She as a person would have to do a lot of work on herself – specially on her people pleasing tendencies – to really be free from guilt and be able to have healthy relationships (including a healthy relationship with you). Right now it’s not possible, and it won’t be possible for a long long time, unless she decides to work on herself.
So you would need to accept that she – being a person plagued by guilt – will likely not want to get back together with you. She might do so for a short while, but her guilt would return very soon, and she would ask for “space” again.
I am noticing two tendencies in you: one is to try to move on and work on yourself (e.g. you asked to know more about self-parenting), and the other is falling into despair and trying to soothe your pain with substances (“I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.)
A third part of you is hoping that she might decide to reunite sometime in the future (I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.)
I think it would help you at this point to accept that this reunion – if nothing changes in her life or in her personality – will likely not happen. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be. I know it’s hard, because the inner child in you – who needs her so much – is hoping for a miracle. Your inner child is hoping that some day things will change and she will take you back. That she will at least want to spend the weekends with you, and meet your unmet childhood needs (to be cherished, valued, to be nurtured, held in her arms, etc).
Your wounded inner child is looking for a magical solution for his pain…. but unfortunately, Dan, it won’t happen. You need to take your inner child into your own arms and hold him, figuratively speaking. You are your own savior. She isn’t. No one else is.
I do hope that slowly but surely, you will accept this reality. It’s not easy because there are no magical solutions, but it’s the only way. There is a saying: “No one said it will be easy, but it will be worth it.” I think this applies perfectly to your situation… It will be worth it, Dan, to finally start healing those childhood wounds that make your life miserable in the present. The fact that you are in therapy is great.. Keep at it, and let’s keep our conversation here too, if you find it helpful.
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I have a lot of inner child wounds to attend to and heal and not be such a hypocrite. It just harder to tell when it’s myself because i know my intentions but other people don’t.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Perhaps you did behave like that with him a month ago, but in the meanwhile you’ve made a move, you confessed how you feel, you came clean. You took the risk and made yourself vulnerable – something he hasn’t done yet. He never said “I like you too, but I’m afraid”, has he?
He is showing interest on one hand, but rejecting you on the other. Which is not the case with you any more. So please give yourself some credit for the progress you’ve made in recent time! You are NOT being a hypocrite, because you have done something which he hasn’t done – being vulnerable and expressing yourself in spite of fear of rejection.
You might still have a lot of work related to your wound of rejection, but please give yourself credit for the steps you’ve already taken. Don’t minimize your own achievements! Be proud of yourself! That’s the path to embracing your own worth.
TeeParticipantDear Caroline,
I am sorry for a late response, I was rather busy this week.
I enjoyed reading what you wrote in your latest posts. It seems you are taking a really good care of yourself and making so much progress:
I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. I stay true to myself.
I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.
I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature.
On Saturday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child.
It’s fantastic that you are becoming more aware, more observant of both yourself and others, and that you felt more confident and more self-composed at the coworkers meeting at the pizzeria. And of course, it’s great that you are taking a good care of yourself, spending time in nature and listening to music that nurtures your soul. Congratulations on these amazing developments!
I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening.
I think it’s quite possible to be in a sort of half-disassociated state whenever we are out and about… it’s a defense mechanism that you’ve learned. The less mistreatment, injustice etc you notice, the lesser your urge to react, which in turn will keep you safe (or so is your inner child thinking). Sort of “don’t make waves” approach, because if you do make waves, you might get in trouble. So lay low, don’t say anything, don’t react…. Perhaps when you go out among people, your brain automatically goes into the “disassociate” mode, to keep you safe.
Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.
This “delay” in reaction can also be explained by disassociation. You don’t notice it immediately because you’re not fully present, you’re not fully observing what’s going on, while it is going on. Only later, in the safety of your home, you sort of “unfreeze” and start realizing what has really happened and that you might have failed to react… Do you think that this is what’s going on?
So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.
Great that you are trying to stay present and be more mindful of what is going on around you. Walking in nature also helps a lot in staying present and grounded. To practice being grounded during your walks, you can put your attention on your feet as they are touching the ground. You can also notice the little details in the forest around you (the trees, the birds chirping…).
The idea is to try to engage all of your senses. If you’re alone on your walks, you can even name out loud the things that you see and the sounds that you hear. That’s how you can further strengthen the sense of being grounded and present in the here-and-now.
What you wrote about my mother is true. I know there is nothing wrong with me, she just projected her lack of confidence and shame on to me. She will not change, she does not want to.
Unfortunately we cannot change people who don’t want to change… But still, you can take a different approach now (different than hers) when and if you visit your family. You don’t need to allow them to disrespect you and treat you like a lesser being. You can either not visit them and feel good about it, or visit them and take a different stand than before. You can now step out from underneath your mother’s “cloud of shame”, where she kept both you and herself all these years, and step into the sunshine of your own worth. You can become independent from your mother, and not a person based on shame any more!
I strongly believe things can change and I will work on that. Feels good to be respected.
So good to hear this! It sure does feel good to be respected, but also to have self-respect. You are making a lot of progress on that path and I am very happy for you!
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
we posted simultaneously again 🙂
I’m gonna be my best self and show him that this is his loss.
I love your attitude! It is indeed his loss. When he rejected you, he rejected a chance to be happy with you.
I know it’s still hard to be in his proximity, so my suggestion is to move out of the situation, whenever possible. This way you’ll show him that you don’t appreciate his little games. If he wants to be with you, he should make a move. If not, he should stay away and not play with your feelings.
TeeParticipantDear Dan,
this is very telling:
She told them that she was allowed to see me while they were away
And she wasn’t allowed to be with you while they were around… It’s like her children were the authority who decided whether she is allowed to be with you or not. To me it sounds like a school girl negotiating with her parents that she is allowed to go out to party as long as she comes home by the set time. As if the roles were reversed and she was a teenager following the rules set by her “parents”. Her children take the role of the parents, i.e. the authority figures who set the rules. And she – the mother – takes the role of a teenage daughter who is trying to follow those rules and please the “parents”.
Do you think it’s possible that this kind of role reversal took place in her mind? And that she has two sides within herself: one is a fun-loving, adventurous teenage girl (when she is alone with you), and the other is a guilt-ridden care-taker and people-pleaser (when she is around her children and her own parents, and even around you, when you need a lot of care-taking and pampering?).
Of course, I might be reading too much into her use of the word “allowed”, but I thought I’d mention it, in case there is really something to it…
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
*I submitted my post before seeing your latest reply
I didn’t want to move since that was my spot and I didn’t want him to drive me out of that one.
OK, I didn’t get the situation and how things were arranged. So you had fixed spots or something?
i stayed put and tried to talk with the people around me.
That’s good that you tried to talk to others, and weren’t paralyzed by his proximity. Have you tried talking to him?
Him joining my room and not the one with the two girls(my friends and colleagues) was a bit weird to me.
It is weird, because he is sending you mixed signals: on one hand, he behaves as if he liked you and wants to be close to you, and on the other, he told you that he isn’t interested in a relationship with you. That’s why I said that his behavior is ambivalent. What are you feeling about him now? How much are you affected by the way he is behaving at the moment?
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I would like to rephrase the first sentence from my previous post, so that it better expresses what I meant to say:
I must say that I don’t like his behavior, and I am sorry that his ambivalent behavior leaves you confused and anxious (at least it would leave me anxious if I were in the same situation).
So, I don’t like how he behaves, and I am sorry that you are suffering from it. I hope that you can find a way to be less affected by his ambivalent behavior.
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I must say I don’t like his behavior, or rather, that his ambivalent behavior leaves you confused and anxious (at least it would leave me anxious if I were in the same situation). He seems to like being physically near you, in your space, but not say anything. It’s almost like torturing you – because he knows you like him and want to be with him, but he’s not giving it to you. Yet, he seeks you and stands close to you, and it’s almost like he enjoys being wanted by you. He enjoys you craving for him…
I am not saying he does it on purpose, but the net effect is that it feels like torture (at least it would to me!) because there is the object of my desire, standing very close to me, almost touching me, but I can’t touch him, can’t do anything, because he said he doesn’t want to be with me. My reaction to this: Arrrrgh! Terribly annoying! And if you like him as much as you said you do, it must be very frustrating for you, not just uncomfortable and weird, as you’ve described it.
If I were you, I wouldn’t allow to be tortured like that by him. If he moves close and just stands there without saying anything, I would move away. Because if you just passively stand there, while he is tempting you with his “untouchable presence”, you in fact allow him to have power over you. In addition, I think it also makes it harder for you to move on, because a part of you is perhaps still hoping that he would change his mind. And so you just stand there, at his mercy…
What do you think?
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 