Hi SereneWolf,

thanks, I am fine, my back is better again, so I feel good. Hoping that it will last… (a praying hands emoji)

Yes that’s what I try to tell my inner self like no matter what I’ve been through I didn’t lose hope in humanity and connections. Then have some love for yourself.

I am happy you haven’t lost hope in humanity and relationships. Because there are wonderful people out there, not everybody is like your father, or even your mother. So yeah, cheers to good people and good, healthy relationships! 🙂

And I am glad that people at your new workplace, including your bosses, seem super cool:

I’m finished with my onboarding, It wasn’t that long, But I’m still learning their ways, I really like that they’re not rigid about certain ways If I like something my way I can do it that way. But they’re humble enough to show like here’s what we think is the most efficient way.

That’s fantastic, SereneWolf, and it means so much! That they give you the freedom to do it your way, if you find it better. So it’s not like receiving top-down orders, which you need to follow, but they give you a degree of freedom and independence. Which is exactly what you cherish, isn’t it?

Yes I do think it’s like that I don’t perform good if I’m not attached to it emotionally. But It was also because of my people pleasing behaviour, Like I didn’t wanted to disappoint my parents. But nonetheless later on I did, After 4 semester (2 Years) I put a stop to that college.

Yeah, I know what you mean. They wanted you to study in that field, and you wanted to please them. You tried, but it wasn’t working out. It’s good that you decided to put a stop on it eventually. Even if it meant hard decisions, like getting a job and supporting yourself.

But you’ve managed to make up for it all: you’ve earned your Bachelor’s and now you’re doing a Masters in the field you like. So it all turned out well…

And I’m kinda proud of myself since They already gave me an assistant (She’s also intern doing Masters in sustainability) in just 2^nd week because during the talk they didn’t say I’d have manage anyone. But they trust me enough even taking on consulting projects. So my work is more diverse towards Product analytics and Consulting side as well.

Congratulations on getting an assistant and being entrusted with more demanding projects!

And another cool thing we’re all in different time zones. That means no unnecessary meetings.

Hahaha 🙂 True to your introverted nature 🙂

And talking about it it makes me remember this point. Is this why I’m also not impressed with anyone’s educational qualities now? Or just not impressed with anything that much. Like huh. Good. So what? Am I becoming my father?

Hehe, well, your inner critic is very similar to your father. It is your father’s internalized voice. But you know, it’s a good sign that you can be proud of yourself (you just said you’re proud of getting an assistant). It’s a sign that your inner critic couldn’t spoil the party – couldn’t tell you “so what?”, or “big deal”. Seems you are getting out of its grip, which is a very good development!

And Yes I’m trying to be vulnerable with friends, Just a recent example, My friend’s friend reached out to me and wanted talk even though another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like, She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. But I didn’t said no. I saw it from a different perspective this time we talked till 2am. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman.

Okay…. was it like a date? I must admit, it got me worried a little that now you’ll go into the opposite extreme of being open and receptive to everyone, without discernment. And kind of “try to understand” this girl, who might have anger issues… which might not be the best predictor for a healthy relationship. I mean, in case you are considering dating her…

Sorry if I am preaching, I just wanted to say that you don’t need to like everybody, you don’t need to suddenly drop all judgment. In fact, the ideal would be not to be judgmental, but to still have discernment. Anyway, I felt the need to mention it, just in case 🙂

Also I’m not judgy like I used to be. Before I’d be like hmm this person and labels them now I try to understand first and I don’t try to fix them or at least urge to fix them is gone.

Good to hear that you don’t have the urge to fix the person. You can simply observe and see whether they are (in this case, whether she is) compatible. If you like her and don’t feel like changing anything major on her, that’s a good sign.

Hi Beni,

I think I was strong for my mom. My mom tells me that I was really intense.

In what sense were you intense?

I think you had a simillar struggle if I remember right.

Well, I always tried to console my mother, i.e. explain why she shouldn’t be so negative, why things are not so bad as she sees them (and I never succeeded). But that was already when I was an adolescent and in my early 20s. As a child, I wanted approval, I was a good kid, a good pupil. But I never got approval, e.g. I was never praised for my good grades. Instead, I was scolded if I got a B instead of an A. So I was supposed to be perfect.

I also don’t remember super much. It’s hard to differentiate between analyzis and expirience.

Do you remember at least something from your childhood? Do you remember more from your teenage years?

I notice that I’m cold to my mom when I feel vulnerable like I do not send emojis then. I don’t trust that she can handle it then. Like she would get high on it.

I think I was strong for my mom.

Okay, so when you feel vulnerable, you don’t have the compulsion to please her, to “console” her, to make her less sad, right? Because I am guessing (based on what you said about her earlier) that she tends to complain a lot and would like to receive sympathy from you. And she would “get high” on it, i.e. it would only confirm her martyr stance, right? But you don’t want to take part in that game of her playing the martyr, and so you are cold with her. You are not giving her sympathy, right?

When you say that as a child you were strong for her, maybe it means that you didn’t want to express your own sadness or upset, not to bother her with it? Because she was burdened with her own stuff anyway. Maybe that’s when you rather smashed the window, or hit your own head, or got in tension with your younger brother?

So she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs, and then you suppressed those needs in front of her, but then acted out in different ways, like smashing the window, having tension with your brother and suchlike. Is that what happened?

You know what Gabor sais, it’s what’s not there. Empathy and the ability to express how you feel, really listen with the heart. I do not remember my parents doing that.

Yeah, “what is not there”. It’s emotional neglect. What you’ve experienced from your parents is probably emotional neglect. Your mother didn’t have the capacity to soothe you, to regulate your emotions, because she couldn’t do that for herself either. And you say your father was rarely home, and I guess not really emotionally available (even when he was home)?

BTW how did your parents react to you smashing the window, getting in tension with your brother etc?

Telling me how they feel or having these moments of connection much. Even nowadays it’s difficult and often I create it. I meet people who tell their parents are like their best friend and that’s how I imagine is how it can feel when you can express yourself both ways.

Well, when we are children, we are “takers” – we need our parents to emotionally soothe us and be there for us (not the other way round). And that’s how the emotional bond is established. So we are takers, we receive, and they give. They give us love, support, care, understanding.

At least that’s how it should be, with healthy parents. But often our parents are not emotionally healthy and mature, and they’re not able to meet our emotional needs. Your parents were like that too (and mine too).

For people who had healthy parents, they have established that emotional bond of trust and unconditional love, which is always there. And so as grown-ups, they can share everything with their parents: their worries, dilemmas, whatever is on their heart…  and their parents will be there to listen and help if they can. With no judgment, no blaming, no manipulation.

And indeed, those parents are their children’s best friends. But that’s rare, or at least it’s not too frequent. According to some studies, around 50% of children in the USA are securely attached, i.e. have that secure emotional bond with their parents. And maybe that’s even too high of an estimate, I don’t know.  So probably at least 50% of people you see around don’t have that bond…

Mhh, yeah I do that and it seems to be wholesome. I still think the mentioned situation is in a way superfiscial but honest and authentic. It often feels not deep enough.
I feel that I long for a partner.

It’s a different level. Being kind to a stranger in the park is not the same as opening up to someone in all your vulnerability. In that sense it is “superficial”. But it is serving a purpose of you being true to yourself and doing acts of kindness – something that your heart is telling you to do. As you say, it’s honest and authentic. So it counts. But it’s a different level, of course.

I think love couldn’t be received emotionally by my parents as much as I needed it or was toxic when given.

Yes, it seems they couldn’t provide that emotional support for you. Perhaps they weren’t abusive (e.g. criticizing you harshly, or shaming you and humiliating you), but they simply didn’t pay attention to your emotional needs. So yeah, it would be emotional neglect.

Yeah, that’s what I want most in live. So, simple. Thanks for the support Tee ,<3

You are very welcome, Beni! <3

Dear Paradoxy,

My gf might have lied to me and slept with another man, but I didn’t know all of that until a year already passed. So for most of the relationship, she never showed me her bad side.

Okay, let’s see whether this is true….

This is what you knew about her before Christmas 2022: you knew that she had feelings for her ex, due to which she broke up with you. You knew that during that time of being broken up, she took a half-naked picture with some guy, for whom she was claiming wasn’t her ex. So it would have been a 3rd guy that she was involved in, in a short time span (later you found out it actually was her ex). And you also knew that her ex was her housemate, and that she was hiding it from you, and when you found out about it, she claimed that it wasn’t something you needed to know.

So just this behavior of hers: that she was hiding an ex in her house (for whom she admitted she had feelings for, and who had feelings for her too, because you said he was jealous of you), and then gaslighting you that you didn’t need to know about it – is a huge red flag. Not only a red flag, but something that warrants the red card (in soccer) – exclusion from the game. This behavior – which you were aware of before Christmas 2022 – should have been a reason to break up with her for good.

But you fell for it, you fell for her gaslighting and her excuses. And you still thought very highly of her, even after that incident:

excluding some moments where she does stupid things, she was actually a very good, loyal, loving, caring woman that any man would desire. She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife, excluding the stupid things that most woman do, like overthinking and not listening etc, which I did not mind cause I knew it was normal for women.

You saw her as caring and loyal, when frankly, I think her behavior with you was obnoxious. It wasn’t something to be forgiven, especially the part where she arrogantly claimed that you didn’t need to know about the housing arrangement with her. But you still saw her as good, caring and loyal.

And I think it’s because you were blinded by the idea of her as your perfect wife, and the physical aspect of your relationship (not just sexual, but also massage, touch, her taking care of your hair, cooking and cleaning for you). I think the idea of the “perfect wife”, which you adopted form your parents: cooking, cleaning, taking care of her husband’s physical needs, might have prevented you from seeing other aspects of her personality.

What I want to say, Paradoxy, is that she did show you her bad side right from the start. But you didn’t see it. Because you were blinded.

What happened later – her blaming you for having slept with another man for money – is also obnoxious. It’s not even the fact that she slept with another man that is the most disturbing – but that she is blaming you for it. That’s the most disturbing, in my opinion.

And yet, you are not sure because:

she uses the technicality that we had broken up during that one week to claim that she didn’t cheat on me.

No, technically she didn’t cheat. But blaming you for it is so deeply unfair and emotionally abusive – that the only word that I have for it is: obnoxious.

She is taking advantage of the technicality and saying that she didn’t cheat and I don’t know how to argue with the technicality.

Dear Paradoxy, you might want to tell her something like “your behavior is obnoxious, you’ve hurt me so much with your lies and manipulation and blaming me for the things that are your fault, and I’ve had it. I don’t want to argue with you any more. We are done.”

In other words, tell her the truth. Because it’s not important whether she technically cheated on you or not. What is important is her attitude: one of refusing to take responsibility for her actions and endlessly blaming you, accusing you and manipulating you.

And what is also important is how you’re feeling with her: emotionally drained, exhausted, ruined (your words).

Your emotions matter. Even if there is no logic behind them (and there is – there is a very fat, solid logic), you have the right to feel what you feel and refuse to engage with the person who is abusing you.

Dear Paradoxy,

Should have seen the red flags when she was dry and cold and behaving weird in the first couple days of our relationship.

What did she do in the first days of your relationship?

I went back and re-read your first post, about how your relationship started. Well, it started with her initiating the flirtation, making seductive and over-the-top statements (such as suggesting that you could be her pretend husband, after barely having met you!), and sending you a photo of herself with pouting lips.

We were casually talking with the group of friends there when the topic shifted about my relationship life and I admitted that I’ve never been loved by anyone before. And she responded by saying that I could be her pretend husband. I played along at first but her saying that caught my attention.

We started to text more often and eventually she sent me a picture of herself pouting her lips to give a kiss.

Her style with you, right from the start, was very seductive. There was no shame or modesty in her approach. It was pretty over-the-top to suggest, after only talking to you once or twice, that you should be her “pretend husband.” To me, it shows someone who is pretty uninhibited, and very confident in her ability to get any guy she wants.

The following is what I think happened in those early days of you interacting with her:

Her words “pretend husband” caught your attention. You suddenly started thinking about her: “I kept reminding R [your friend] about what she said cause it made me feel butterflies in my stomach.”

“Pretend husband” was the keyword that got your imagination going, and I think what happened is that you started thinking she could be “the one”, your future wife, the only person you’ll ever love in your life (because that’s what your father told you: that you should only love one woman).

And so, in your mind, she became a serious candidate to fill in that place – the place of your faithful wife and “queen” – before you even knew anything about her.

Then she sent you a photo with pouting lips, which sparked your imagination further: “my heart was pounding. Imagine being noticed by the most beautiful woman in the vicinity and receiving a picture like that.”

And then she offered to kiss you, for “educational” purposes: “she asked if I have ever kissed anyone before, and I told her that I haven’t. And she asked me if I wanted to try it, but I told her I didn’t want to kiss someone who I am not in a relationship with. She understood that but she was still offended, and she went home.”

And then the next day she admitted she had feelings for you, after which you immediately brought your parents into the equation (thinking that she is a serious wife candidate):

I told her that there is a possibility that my parents won’t approve of her and I do not want to be in a relationship where my partner is constantly worried about me leaving her cause of my parents. She said she can handle it and I told her that I will only be in a relationship if she is willing to handle the consequences of us dating. She agreed,

You told her that your parents might be a problem because they might not approve of her, and she said she can handle it. You also told her that she needs to accept the consequences of dating you, and she agreed to accept those consequences. BTW have you explained to her why your parents might not approve of her? Have you clarified early on what the consequences of dating you are, so that she knows what you expect of her?

In any case, she agreed to everything, and you probably thought that she accepted your “rules of the game”, i.e. how she should behave as your girlfriend and your future wife. And that’s what made you accept her advances: you allowed her to kiss you and then it led to everything else. And when she made you breakfast and lunch the night after your first sexual encounter, you were “sold”. You were in heaven, believing she is your perfect future wife: “I was very much in love with her and I prayed that she was the one I would be with forever.”

So basically, you fell in love with the idea of her: that she will be the perfect wife that you and your parents had in mind for you.

In reality, you knew very little about her: she was obviously very beautiful and sexy, she was willing to cook for you (which you find very important in a woman), and she told you that she agreed with the rules of the game (i.e. how a good girlfriend and a good future wife should behave). You thought: bingo!

The problem is that she fooled you. Because she doesn’t agree with the rules of the game. She certainly doesn’t accept the consequences of dating you – such as wearing less revealing clothes, not hugging other men while wearing a bikini, not posting sexy photos on social media. But that’s not even the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that she didn’t accept even the basic rules for a loving, committed relationship: no lying and no cheating.

Just as an aside, not every man would be bothered by his girlfriend/wife wearing sexy outfits and showing her attributes (some even like it, such as those who like to show off their trophy wife – for them it’s a sign of being superior to other men).

However, every man would be bothered by his girlfriend lying to him, hiding an ex in her house, and sleeping with someone for money.

So B not only didn’t fit your particular vision of a loving girlfriend/wife (which might be more old-fashioned) – she didn’t fit the general, widely accepted vision of what constitutes a loving and caring partner/wife.

And that’s why I am sorry to say, but B was “a perfect angel from heaven” only in your imagination, Paradoxy. It is a vision that exists only in your mind. You wanted her to fit that vision, and you have been trying to educate her how to fit that vision.

But she is vehemently opposing it, she doesn’t want it. Based on everything you said about her, her nature is very different from that vision: she is not the type to wear modest clothes and hide her sex appeal. She likes getting men’s attention and being desired by men. Even with you, from day 1, she was bold and seductive.

So I think you’d need to open your eyes to her real nature vs. the idealized image that you still have in your mind. You need to stop wanting to fit her into your vision. Because she is miles away from it, even opposite of it.

Even when she apologizes for not fitting your vision (e.g. for wearing revealing clothes, posting sexy pictures on social media etc,), she doesn’t really mean it. Because she keeps doing it, no matter how many times you’ve asked her not to. This to me is a proof that she is rejecting your vision, even if she pretends she doesn’t.

So I believe those are fake apologies, aimed at keeping you interested. Because obviously, she wants to stay with you, she doesn’t want to let you go.

I must admit that the newest information that you’ve shared about her (that you have been giving her a lot of money) made me suspicious of her true motives:

she still has my belongings such as laptop, mouse and a lot of money which she cannot return as she is not financially stable right now and her work requires her to have my laptop as she cannot afford her own.

You say she is working, and yet you are giving her a lot of money. I wonder why is that (if you don’t mind sharing)?

Dear Paradoxy,

Prompted by Anita’s post, I would like to address the fact that you see B’s behavior with men (sleeping with other men, sexting, walking around scantily dressed etc) as stupid, whereas it could be a result of unresolved psychological issues, as I’ve tried to explain before.

You called her (or her behavior) stupid numerous times in your posts, including when she slept with another man for money:

I do not hate her. I hate the things she did. I hate her stupidity.  … She was already aware of what was going to happen DAYS BEFORE it happened. She had time to prepare. Time to think. Time to decide. Yet she still chose wrong.

SHE IS A 22 YEAR OLD ADULT WHO SHOULD HAVE THE COMMON SENSE TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION AND SHE CHOSE THE WRONG ONE. WHAT MAKES MATTERS WORSE IS THAT B AND THE MAN CONTINUED TALKING FOR COUPLE MORE WEEKS AND SHE EVEN ADMITTED TO DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HIM.

I am just confused as to how this situation even happened. My only logical explanation is just plain stupidity.

Her parents did not take care of her well and so it was her aunt who actually took care of her so that would explain why she is so stupid.

I cannot even blame her for being stupid cause I know she is trying her best to do the right things. How do you even improve someone’s decision making skills? Like how do you teach someone to make better decisions?

I have tried to explain to you that women don’t prostitute themselves out of stupidity, but because of external conditioning (e.g. being taught that it is something normal and desirable) or because of lack of self-respect, i.e. some inner brokenness and trauma.

Agreeing to prostitution, without being directly coerced into it, is a sign that the person is emotionally and mentally unwell, not that they are stupid.

I’ve got to say, this notion of yours that she is stupid rather than emotionally wounded reminds me of your father’s attitude that suicidal people are idiots. He believed that you were stupid for having suicidal thoughts. Whereas you were not stupid, but you were hurting.

I believe this is similar – B is not stupid, she is hurting in some way. What she said in the following 2 sentences tells me that she might actually feel loved by the men who desire her, who view her as a sex object:

B told me that my parents and I ruined her life, that she entertained the other men and slept with the guy cause she liked the feeling of not being discriminated against.

The fact that she said that I ruined her life, that I would cheat (despite how loyal I was to her), the fact that she liked how she felt with other men unlike me, all hurt me.

She even developed feelings for the guy who was paying her for sex:

WHAT MAKES MATTERS WORSE IS THAT B AND THE MAN CONTINUED TALKING FOR COUPLE MORE WEEKS AND SHE EVEN ADMITTED TO DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HIM.

This tells me that she confuses being loved with being sexually desired. If my assumption is correct, she didn’t go to prostitute herself because she was stupid, but (bizarre as it may sound) because she wanted to feel loved, to feel good about herself. Which she claimed she didn’t always feel with you.

Let me be clear, I am NOT condoning her behavior whatsoever. I am just saying that her sexually inappropriate behavior is not the result of stupidity, but of her own unmet emotional needs, especially the need for love.

Of course, the way she behaves with you – lying, cheating and acting out sexually – is not a loving behavior. And I understand why you can’t love her for that. But she is not doing it because she is stupid.

You have convinced yourself that she is innocent and oblivious and stupid, and that she behaves in sexually provocative ways without being aware of it:

in the case of her hugging the guy and wearing the bikini, I see pure stupidity cause the pictures she took indicate that she is oblivious to the fact that the guy friend’s friend has his arm around her back ending near the breast region while the bikini incident occurred at around 6 am where she assumed everyone would be asleep, but obviously not cause her guy friend was awake. I also noticed that the outfit that she chose to wear are extremely short, cut jeans while everyone else including the females were wearing long, more modest clothing.

I pointed out all of these things and she acknowledged that she was not thinking when she did all of this and apologized for it but idk if I should even consider her apology.

The way that she behaves just shows how stupid and oblivious she is. She doesn’t even appear to be intentionally doing it, she is just operating on literally three brain cells, so it is hard to assume that she is craving the attention, she is just an extrovert that likes to party and enjoy life etc.

She told you she wasn’t thinking, and you believed her, but the more likely explanation is that she actually liked these guys’ attention, because she herself admitted that she felt good being with men who desired her. She isn’t bothered by being sexually desired by men – on the contrary, she likes it (by her own admission).

My addition is that she might even feel loved by them, because she might be confusing love with sexual desire.

Anyway, I don’t see oblivion or stupidity in her behavior, but rather an unmet emotional need, which she is trying to meet in wrong ways. Ways that will only harm her. But that’s the nature of all addictions and all unhealthy behaviors.

That’s why I would like to suggest to you to re-evaluate your stance that she is stupid and oblivious. And start thinking of her as someone hurting inside. Someone with unmet emotional needs. Perhaps even someone like you, even though she is displaying a very different behavior than you.

This doesn’t mean you need to get back together and start tolerating her bad behavior. You should definitely not do that!

But what it means is that you need to stop trying to teach her, guide her and educate her out of her “stupidity”. Because she is not stupid, she knows all those things (you said she reads her Bible every day). And she is a medical student, so she certainly has more than 3 brain cells working!

You said you loved her and tried to help her heal (I am the only person who took on the role of helping her heal). But telling her that she is stupid, dumb, brick wall etc isn’t love and isn’t conducive to healing. Realizing that she has mental health issues and then suggesting therapy (individual therapy) would be more helpful.

And then letting her go, because her emotional wounds cause her to behave in ways that abusive and hurtful towards you. And you don’t need to endure that.

Anyway, I think a change is necessary in how you view her…

Dear Dafne,

happy belated Easter to you too!

Some days are hard to even want to get up & keep going. Especially during the family holidays when everyone reunites at one table.

I am sorry it’s hard for you sometimes, Dafne. Did you spend Easter alone?

I myself am feeling a bit better again, thank God. And it does seem my pain is affected by my psychology and the mental/emotional blocks I still have in me. It’s good to know that I have at least some measure of control of my pain – that I am not completely helpless.

Yes, actually everybody always agreed with how I felt about my father. Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along. Even his own parents were not happy with his behaviour and his difficult character. It always had to be his way or no way. And if not, he got abusive & angry.

My mom was the only one trying to accommodate him, change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings. I suppose it is because she made a bad decisions in life because she was too much in love with him. It blinded her judgment and later she suffered as well. She might feel like it is her fault not listening to all the warnings around her.

Okay, this paints an interesting picture. So your father was a difficult man, and everybody around you (both friends and family) knew about it and acknowledged it. Everybody except the most important person in your life – your mother.

Your mother was the only one who tent to look away and delude herself that he would change. She not only gaslighted herself, but also you. She invalidated your feelings and your correct view of him (sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings).

And she is doing it to this day:

She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right.

No, it’s not right. She is pushing you to expose yourself to his abuse, to endure it. To be nice and loving to a mean and selfish person. It’s not right, Dafne, and I hope you can stick to your resolution to stop availing yourself to his abuse. To stop contact. To stop allowing his toxicity to harm you.

It wasn’t easy for you, dear Dafne, to grow up with a mother who taught you not to have boundaries and not to respect yourself. She didn’t have self-esteem and she taught you the same. Not only by example, but also by encouraging you to disregard your father’s abuse and still be kind to him. And she taught you not to trust your own feelings – because your feelings about him were right, but she dismissed them.

She was his enabler, in a way. She enabled the abuse, even if she herself didn’t commit it. And that’s why I can imagine how hard it was for you, because you must have felt very alone. With an abusive and neglectful father, and a mother who condoned this behavior.

It’s good though that the people around you, both friends and family, saw him for who he is. You said:

Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along.

Do you have family members who are still alive, who did understand you and who you feel would validate your feelings? Because maybe it would make sense to get in touch with them again?

All my friends tell me to forget him. They don’t even want to talk about him. For them he is not worth it. He only wants a child to support him and his vision. So no, Tee I do not really have someone to share anymore.

I see… your friends don’t want to hear your complaints about him any more. They know who he is, and they know he’ll never change. So they don’t want to waste more time on talking about him, right?

Well, I understand them. They probably want the best for you, they’d like you to “move on”. But it’s hard to move on, with all the hurt in your heart. That’s why, if you have the need to talk about him, it would be better not to talk to your friends about him, but to a professional, a therapist. Because your friends can’t help you process and heal the pain, whereas a therapist can.

And I hope that talking about him here on the forum is helping you too, if not to process the pain but at least to understand it. So you are free to talk about him here…

Maybe I should just stop talking and thinking about him? Maybe this will help me to move on faster. Is that even possible?

As I said, when you talk about him, talk with the intention to heal. Don’t talk from the position of a helpless victim (which you indeed were as a child), but from a position of an adult who you are right now.

You are an incredibly empathic and wise woman, Dafne. You are able to change your life. You are able be free from the abuse, because you are able to recognize abuse. You are able to discern what love is, vs. manipulation. You can start trusting your feelings and intuition, because they are right. You can let that wise woman guide you, Dafne.

One of my friends had daddy issues as well but she coped in a different way. Just like you said it. She erased the memory of her father and never spoke about him again. She found a man who actually is much older than her and is happy to be like a father figure to her. He doesn’t mind at all. He understands her pain and wants to take care of her and love her. Is that a better solution for woman with those issues?

Well, it’s okay if they are both happy with this dynamic. If she is a little needy and he doesn’t mind the care-taker role. It doesn’t have to be a child-parent dynamic all the time, but sometimes, say if she starts worrying about something, he might be able to console her and reassure her that everything will be fine. That kind of thing. As long as they both are happy about it and neither of them is frustrated, it’s okay.

It is a time of hope, renewal & of new beginnings. I wish this season will bring us more relief from the emotional and physical pain.

I salute to that, Dafne! To hope, renewal and new beginnings! <3

Ciao SereneWolf 🙂

You’re quite emotionally strong and I admire your resilience to keep moving forward and managing this health anxiety. I hope it pays off.

Thanks, I hope so too!

just today I went to visit kindergarten with my sister and cousin, It’s mainly health checkup day for kids. But even there what I see? Comparison. Literally even for their body not just their smartness.

Was the doctor comparing the kids? Was he/she shaming those who are e.g. shorter and skinnier?

Thanks for the reminder! I appreciate it. But just today I have this uneasy feeling like fr what the heck do I actually want from life? I took a pen and journal notebook but still couldn’t figure out

It seems to me that this event (of kids being compared and possibly shamed?) re-opened a wound in you: that of being compared to others, not just by your parents but the entire society (it wasn’t only my parents, environment around me did play a big part as well. And I think it’s a huge societal issue).

And this maybe triggered a feeling of helplessness? Which made you ask yourself: What do I event want from life?

Because my guess is that the pain of being compared to others, which you re-experienced today, made you slip into the old false belief, which might go something like “There is no point in trying, I’ll never be good enough anyway”. And then in that state of hopelessness, you started questioning what you even want from life, because you suddenly felt weak to go for your dreams… Is this what perhaps happened?

Yes that’s why even good and proud moments feels dull sometimes

Yes, because the core wound (of not feeling good enough) is still there…

Hey SereneWolf,

My grandfather preciously. My grandfather was like in village head group. So he seen lot of people in lot of situations. He did helped lot of people though. But after a while he be like “people are there for their means” when they forget.
And the thing is it impacted me somehow but not on a deeper level. I still believe I should help people if I can and don’t expect anything from them in return. Even gratitude. I’m doing it just because I can and I want to. Even though I been around colleagues who thought that uplifting others means they would stay in lower class

I am glad your grandfather’s belief (that people are self-centered and don’t genuinely care about others) hasn’t affected you too much. And that you still choose to help others, rather than only look for your own self-interest. You are a kind and generous person, SereneWolf, even if you were exposed to this kind of messaging…

As soon as I got in college and more like nearly adult-teenage era I started seeing competition. And it was so bad like I felt all at once and started studying something just because it was considered “In Demand” But I had no interest and on top of that I felt competition from the classmates like they knew what they’re doing and also topping the class. And for the first time ever I had less marks in 2 subjects in my 1st semester. And failed in math in 2nd semester,

Okay, so you were top of the class in your elementary and high school. But when you chose a college which you had no interest in (you chose it only because it was “in demand”, promising good career opportunities and a good salary, I suspect), your grades started getting worse, and you even failed in math. Basically, when you forced yourself to do something you don’t love, you immediately did worse.

I think it goes to show that it is very important for you to do what you love and what is aligned with your values – because that’s where you can really thrive. I guess when you later chose another college, it was something you liked better and which is more aligned with you interests and preferences? And it has now lead you to a job which you really like (how it is going btw? have you finished with onboarding?)

Yes it was may be conditional even though all I thought parents love is always unconditional towards their children but I guess there always some expectations.

Maybe your parents told you they love you and that they do everything in your best interest (my mother certainly told me that), but it doesn’t mean it was like that in practice. If I got a B (instead of an A), my mother was displeased with me and would condemn me for not studying hard enough. Having all A’s was taken for granted (I was never praised for being an excellent pupil), but even the slightest “slip” was heavily criticized. So her love wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t feel loved in those moments, I felt rejected.

I guess you’ve experienced something similar with your father: if you were top in class, he was pleased with you and would buy you presents. If you were not the first, but still excellent, he was displeased with you, right? I guess this taught you that you have to always be the best, otherwise your father won’t be proud of you. His love and validation were very conditional. Basically sending you a message “I will only love you and approve of you if you are perfect. Anything short of that is not good enough.”

But It did impacted my emotional patterns like for giving or even accepting love.

Perhaps it taught you that you need to be perfect to be loved?

Something just occurred to me: your father expected that you be perfect in terms of academic achievements and career success. Whereas your mother expected you to control your emotions perfectly. To always put on a happy face and never show that something is bothering you.

So they both expected perfection from you, only in different areas. You couldn’t be totally yourself with neither of them, and I think that’s why you have trust issues in relationships.

You said:

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.

You believe you need to work hard on yourself, because you are not good enough as you are. That’s your father’s conditioning: You need to be perfect (excelling in many things) to be loved and valued.

And then you also want to perfect your partner too. Your inner critic is critical not only of yourself, but of your partner too. We’ve already talked about it before. With your previous girlfriend, you got into a dynamic of trying to perfect her. The focus was on her and her flaws. And I think it prevented you from showing her your “imperfect” self, your vulnerable, less than perfect, and yet totally lovable self.

(The reason why you were afraid to show vulnerability could be because of your mother’s expectation to never show your emotionally distressed, raw, “immature” self.)

You are asking:

hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

Hm… it’s not really about finding the right person. Because you admitted that there was nothing really wrong with your most recent girlfriend, and yet you didn’t want the relationship. You backed off because for you, it’s scary, intimate relationships are scary…

And I think it’s because you believe you need to be perfect, both in terms of career/money earning ability (your father’s conditioning), and emotional “maturity” and strength (your mother’s conditioning).

And that IS scary!

If you believe that intimate relationship requires total perfection, of course it is intimidating. And hard work. And impossible to achieve.

But what if it only took for you to show up as you are? And let her show up as she is? Nothing more than that… no hard work, no pressure, no urge to perfect yourself (or her)…. Just letting yourself be, with all your good and bad sides? Because you are good enough…

What do you think? About adopting a new blueprint/new vision for an intimate relationship?