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Victoria

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  • Victoria
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    Hi mattr

    Firstly, I hope that today and the forthcoming days hold nothing but happiness for both you and your amazing wife. I know that situations like this are especially difficult, but you’ve made it this far- continue trudging on my friend.

    My boyfriend and I have gone through something similar. Without going into full blown detail, our relationship started on a very weak foundation. I was the positive, motivating and strong rock/ shoulder to cry on while he was the depressed, angry and negative one. I had no problem with his sadness; and although I had not experienced depression before myself, I was knew how difficult things were for him and tried nothing but my best to help him through it. I had quite a few curveballs thrown at me throughout my life, but none that got me into a rut that I was unable to pull myself out of. However, after months of put downs, humiliation, lying, mistreatment, flirting etc. on his behalf, he had gotten the best of me and I snapped. Without realizing it, all of his negativity had completely drained me of everything and anything I had left inside of me. There was no more love to give, no more care, no more compassion. I felt like there was nothing left of me. There was emptiness, and by the time he realized it, it was too late. The way I looked at it was, he needed a light so I set myself on fire. I was so upset for a long period of time and couldn’t begin to fathom why he did the things he did to me. This whole situation turned my world upside down and made me question almost everything. I saw triggers everywhere, ranging from the most ridiculous things (Snickers candy bars being one of them because he told me that his ex named his private parts Snickers and let’s be honest, who wants to hear that?) to names, places, items etc. The list was endless. I felt as if the girl I was and knew had been ripped away from me and in her place was this strange, new, dark person. I was so upset and caught up in a lot of bottled emotions. My boyfriend did a complete 360. He got himself together. He finally, after all that time, tried with me. He realized how cheated on and lied to I felt, and he wanted to make that change. He’s been doing a lot for me, and I can’t thank him enough. He’s grown so much from the person who did all those terrible things to me, to the point where I sometimes have difficulty believing that he’s the same person. I’m still recovering. Although I don’t think that I’ll be 100% okay again, I think it’s gotten somewhat better. But I believe in many ways that your post opened my eyes- I too may be suffering from mild PTSD from that terribly painful part of our relationship. Facebook is a trigger for me as well, as I used to catch him talking to other girls flirtatiously and I remember how hurt I would feel- but I would be afraid to mention it to him in fear he would get mad at me. In any case, I understand how you feel. I understand the triggers and the constant uneasiness. My only advice would be remember who hurt you. Remember that it was your ex wife, and not the woman in your life now. Realize that when you feel your anxiety and PTSD acting up, it was your ex’s fault, and make sure that your wife never feels like it’s her fault (unless it is, of course). And remember that once cut, the scar will always remain. It just depends if it heals well and fades, or leaves a nasty mark. Ongoing mistreatment for an extremely prolonged amount of time as in your situation calls for a very painful recovery. People who go through things like what you and I have gone through will always be reminded by everyday things which may prove to be extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant. But just remember that your wife now loves you very much and don’t let the mistakes of another impact your life with her. Don’t feel threatened (I know it’s much easier said than done, but this is being said encouragingly) because she is all yours. There’s a voice deep down inside of you that screams at you and lets you know when something is right or wrong, it just depends on whether or not we listen to it. Listen to your inner voice. Don’t let your insecurities rule you because they can, and more often than not, they’ll destroy you.

    I wish you nothing but the best of luck- please keep in touch and let me know how everything works out.

    Sincerely,
    The Brooklyn Bella

    in reply to: Emotionally Abusive Mother #71431
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hello there 🙂 I want to start this off by saying I hope you’ve had a wonderful day today, and that you have just the same in store for you tomorrow and everyday following that. Now, in response to your post:

    I myself suffer from the same problem as you, an emotionally abusive mother. I believe that those of us who have a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is supposed to be so significantly imperative, have a difficult time not only dealing with it, but also (and possibly more importantly so) discovering and admitting to it.

    I grew up in a huge family. My nuclear was small (I am an only child), however, my extended was quite large. My mother was the 7th child of 9, and after they all grew up and had families of their own, our entire family came to consist of 30 people. Being that my grandmother was an immigrant from China, she maintained strict morals and lessons that differed greatly from that of an American. Also, the fact that she didn’t speak much English and raised all 9 kids without a husband (her first husband died shortly after the birth of my mother and her second died about a year after her 9th child was born), she relied greatly on her children to show her the ways of America. This, along with Chinese customs made my family a very tightly-knit one, which carried through until present day. Although I know that if worst comes to worst, say I am in some sort of dilemma and need a place to stay or something of that nature, I know that I can rely on them (for the most part); however, I question the actual foundation of our relationship. I feel like besides us being blood related, there isn’t much connection that extends beyond that. In other words, my family loves each other only because we’re connected biologically. They do not care much for friends or spending time out of the family with people who aren’t family. Although I think it’s important to keep those who you know you can depend on close to you, I think that this is unhealthy. I believe that the true definition of family can be defined by people who treat you good no matter what. People who care unconditionally about you and would walk to the edge of the universe for you- and just because someone is willing to do that does not mean that you share DNA. Anyhow, with that lengthy nutshell description of my family, let’s go on to my relationship with my mother.

    My mother has always been extremely controlling. When I think back at it, I remember her always having been this way, I just got tired of it towards the end. She needed everything done her way, perfectly every time, or else she’d flip. However, I’ve grown to learn over the years that even if things were done her way, perfectly every time, she would still have some sort of negative comment to share. Anyways, it wasn’t until maybe the last couple of years that I started retaliating. I found it extremely unfair that her input was nothing but negative. This isn’t to say that she’s entirely negative, she has her positive moments, however they’re growing more and more scarce and they are extremely short-lived. I care about my mother because although I know that she has an overwhelmingly negative impact on my life, she still cares and tries in her own way. It’s strange to me, really, that I have to make an excuse like that where an excuse shouldn’t even be necessary, but for the sake of the fact that she has done a lot for me despite her bad attributes, I can’t just ignore the good things she’s done.

    I’ve just been finding more and more lately, that even when she tries to help, it does a lot more harm than good. She’s one of those kinds of people that insist that their way is the best way, without considering the fact that they are an individual separate from you, and that their way of handling situations is not always the best way for others. I could understand someone sharing their opinion with you if they believe that you should be doing things differently, however I don’t agree with forcing your ways upon someone else and moreover, I don’t agree with my mother’s style of assertion. She doesn’t acknowledge the fact that she can be wrong in certain situations, which she indeed is, and a majority of those situations tie back into my relationship with her. She seldom allows me to do things my way, and cripples me with her cruel ways of saying and doing things. I have been thinking a lot lately about the very question you asked, which would be how to end a relationship with one of the most important figures in your life. Much like your mom, my mother has no one but me and her siblings, however she doesn’t view her siblings in the same way she views me. She says that I’m the most important person in her life etc, and she confides in me much more than she does them. She does not, however feel as if she’s dependent on me. She views herself as an entirely independent being, which I believe serves as both a strength and weakness for her. It’s a strength because she gets herself through everything simply because she feels like the only person she can depend on is herself, however she repels and distances herself from others because of the same reason. She feels as if everyone is completely insignificant. I do understand this, because after being hit with life’s harsh and cruel beatings, you are indeed hardened. Your mentality changes and you become more weary of others, but I don’t believe that you should entirely block people out and paint everyone with the same broad brush of insignificance just because a few people destructively impacted your life. I know for myself that I won’t cut off relations with her, and the sad part is I don’t really know why. Again, she does more bad than good in my life, and I find myself going almost insane when I’m around her (especially now that I moved out and only visit home during college breaks), but I don’t feel like cutting her out of my life would be appropriate. I do, however support you in whatever decision it is that you make. I feel like when it comes to a situation like this, it gets really tricky. You really aren’t sure what to do because not only is she codependent, but she’s also your mother- the one you came from and one of the few people in life that are supposed to remain constant. However, my word of advice is do not let that stop you. Remember that there is a reason why you feel the way that you do. If you had it your way, you wouldn’t want to have been emotionally, physically and verbally abused by her. That’s a scar that will remain for a very long time, and one that could’ve easily been prevented if there was more consideration on her end. Do what is right for you, and don’t let anything but your true feelings decide that for you. Don’t feel guilty, either. Again, you didn’t choose for her to treat you in the ways that she did/ does- it’s her doing and entirely that. If you feel like she does more bad than good in your life, then that’s toxic and not something that you should work on simply because you’re exhausting yourself and grinding the crumbling relationship to dust. Know when something is worth salvaging and when it is not. I feel like if you’re considering something as drastic as ending the relationship with her, it is very serious and that’s your subconscious telling you that it’s time to let go while your conscious is questioning it out of fear of ending such a major relationship.

    I wish you all the best and I hope to hear back from you.

    Sincerely,
    The Brooklyn Bella

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