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Little Buddha

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  • July 13, 2014 at 11:23 am in reply to: Codependency – Is it real? #60776
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thanks Ruminant. That was very helpful.

    My ex was definitely not narcissistic. In fact, it was I perhaps who has a bit of the narcissist. Does that make her the codepedent? Probably not 😉 And she wasn’t fiercely independent, I don’t think. She was a very strong woman, but I know she needed me in various ways. Unfortunately, I felt so inadequate and anxious, I wasn’t able to be there for her in the ways she needed me.

    I want to very much get to the core issues at hand and, it is through this program that I’m hoping to learn not to be too hard on myself – right now I’m wallowing in shame so deep and dark, I can barely see the sun. I’m willing to expose myself and be vulnerable, but I’m looking for healthy ways to do that – becoming a submissive panic stricken people pleaser is not healthy!

    Having gone through the program, would you say it helped you deal with issues related to shame and self-loathing?

    July 12, 2014 at 6:23 am in reply to: What does one do with negative feelings? #60680
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Jasmine, you said, “Once, you realise that you are 100 % responsible for all that happens in your life (good or bad), perhaps you wont feel so guilty.” I entirely agree, that I’m 100% responsible. However, so far, many of my decisions in my life have pushed people further and further away – lost friends, lost marriage, lost relationships, lost co-workers, lost contact. As hard as I try to fit in, I continue to alienate myself from the rest of the world. I am entirely responsible, but unless I change, I’m afraid the future looks bleak and lonely.

    I do like what you said about learning from the past, but I’m not sure what lesson to learn. Did I not try hard enough? Did I try too hard? Where did I go wrong? How can I better understand what lesson to garner from this experience and grow from it? Who can help me better understand? (I realize that last question goes against your comment about not depending on anyone for our sanity)

    I can’t seem to hear the little voice inside me, because the big voice keeps yelling at me and making me feel bad. I’m afraid of my own shadow and walk around the world on eggshells trying not to crack anymore.

    I do like your recommendations on what to do when feeling low. I will put them into practice.

    Once again. Thanks for the help.

    July 11, 2014 at 6:51 pm in reply to: What does one do with negative feelings? #60653
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thanks Pooch.

    Talking about negative feelings makes those around me worry, so it’s not always easy to share. And to be honest, I sometimes get tired of hearing myself talk and always feeling to have my feeling be the enter of attention in a conversation.

    I will try to write more often though. Thank you

    July 11, 2014 at 10:19 am in reply to: Coping with regret #60633
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thank you Matt for being so direct and honest.

    I will forgive myself and not waste any more energy on this chastising of myself, which I recognize impedes my growth and learning towards becoming a more humble and wise person.

    July 11, 2014 at 10:12 am in reply to: Not a liar #60631
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Thank you Vic for sharing your story as it helps remind me that I’m not only person who is dealing with similar issues.

    “The truth will set you free”, “Honesty is the best policy”, “We always tell the truth” are phrases that are so deeply engrained in me that unfortunately, when applied indiscriminately, actually cause more harm that good.

    I like what Matt said about being skillful in speech. I’m going to print out and post this phrase somewhere where I can readily see it. “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” In terms of kind, I take that to mean kind to the other person and kind to yourself. Am I correct? For example, sometimes, we can express self-deprecating “truths” because we feel the need to be honest with someone, when it fact, much of the self-deprecation is negative self-talk that is neither true nor kind to your self-image, esteem, or helping you build your relationship.

    I struggle with the word truth because in life, there are no absolute truths. What is true today may not have been true yesterday and may not be true tomorrow. All of our perspectives are affected by the lens that we’re looking through at any given moment based on past experiences and current feelings and thoughts.

    I recently said something very unpleasant during my break-up to my ex which still haunts me to this day. It wasn’t true when I first met her, it felt true at the moment (but it was neither necessary nor kind), and, if the relationship kept on going, may not have been true in the future. Either way, I think Matt is spot on as he helps us better understand what is meant by right speech.

    July 10, 2014 at 11:59 am in reply to: Coping with regret #60549
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    It’s hard to see the positive knowing that I have caused so many people so much stress and suffering. Doubly, it makes me question my ability to be in a long term relationship (this being the second longest I’ve been in after my first failed marriage).

    I feel like I’m reaching the foundation of my life and asking some basic fundamental questions, who am I? What am I? Where do I go from here? What do I really want from life? What kind of life am I suited for?

    So many questions whirl in my mind, it’s hard to make it stop and settle.

    The positive that I do see is that my ex will be happier in the long term without me – she deserves someone in her life right now who is more stable minded and sure of his place in this universe. I am not. And that does not make for a good partner.

    Thank you for all of your support. I will try to see more positive.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Little Buddha.
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