Hi All,

As I read some of these posts, I can’t help but want to share what ended up working for me in getting out of my toxic relationship.

The final straw for me came when we both went to a therapist together, and he became verbally abusive IN therapy. The therapist finally asked me, “What do you really feel you’re getting from this relationship? What value is he actually adding to your life? How is he actually making your life better?” The answers were that I was getting nothing, he wasn’t adding value and he wasn’t making my life better.

After I finally left the relationship, I spent time working on healing myself. I continued to see a therapist on my own. I read more books than I can recall. I nourished my friendships and my relationship with my family. I focused on me and the things that mattered to me. I wrote positive words of affirmations to remind myself the important things my toxic partner tried to deplete my mind of. I made a vision board of what I really wanted in a partner and I got REALLY specific about it. I wrote a letter to myself a year out, thinking about all of the things I wanted to accomplish in the year.

I am happy to say that I’ve spent almost two years now in a happy, healthy relationship with a man I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He treats me with respect. He communicated effectively. He supports me. He never brings me down. We are so deeply connected and we are true equals. We have a deep passion and shared interests and work together to keep our relationship strong and healthy. He is everything that I wanted and needed in a partner.

When I looked at both my vision board and my letter- everything I wanted on the board and in the letter, I had found in him.

Here’s some of the things I did/read that really helped. I hope it helps all of you who need it, too:

-CUT OFF ALL CONTACT and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT respond or reach out anymore. The only person you hurt is you.

-Read the book, “Attached”. I learned a lot about attachment styles and attachment theory. Many of us who end up in emotionally abusive relationships have an attachment style called, “Preoccupied/Anxious” and are usually drawn to another attachment style called, “Avoidant”. In many cases, narcissists are avoidants. This kind of person you must stay far away from. They don’t change. Repeat after me: THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

-Research a therapy called, “EMDR”. It’s a highly intensive therapy designed for victims of trauma. Do not for a second think that being in an emotionally abusive relationship isn’t a trauma. Plus, chances are, there’s a lingering trauma you may not have dealt with that lead you down the path of being in a relationship like this. Look into EMDR, find a therapist and if you can’t afford one, read the books on EMDR.

-Spend time along thinking about the life you want. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid to desire greatness for yourself.

-There’s another book called, “You Are a Bad Ass”. I didn’t read this at the time, but I’ve read it since and I recommend it for everyone, in general.

-Learn to love yourself. Going back to these awful people, is not loving yourself. Staying away and getting healthy IS.

Good luck!

xoxo

Hi inthebliss,

It breaks my heart to read your story. Both because no one should have to go thru what you’re going through and because it sounds all too familiar for so many of us who have posted on here.

Here’s one thing I know for sure– this is no longer just about you, this is about you AND your unborn child.

As much as I hope that you stay away from this monster for the betterment of your own life, I especially hope you do so for the sake of your child. You need to be the best mom and person you can be for this baby and there’s no question you can’t be while in any kind of relationship with this man.

Every time you consider going back, think of your baby. Ask yourself, “Is this really the kind of person I want my baby to be raised by? Is this really the example I want to set for this completely innocent little life?”

You have a lot of control right now to move forward and do the right thing for both you and for your baby.

I say this with all the love that a stranger could have– please stay away and do what’s best for you and that precious little one.

Sending you positive thoughts and strong arms.

Hi Claire-

Couple of things– I have written so many letters/texts/emails similar to yours. In the early days they were much more rational, but as time went on they took on a different tone. What I read in yours that I found to be true in mine is that at some point, I was clearly seeking validation from HIM. It was as if I was trying to help him make sense of his monster-like ways and in doing so, maybe I would finally get acknowledgement of the behavior, an apology and have him make some sense out of it. I obviously knew better, but it didn’t stop me from trying.

Ultimately, Kelly is right- we often project our feelings in these reach outs. You probably are trying to project feelings onto him. You probably are seeking validation. You probably are conditionally loving him at this point. Even if all of this is true, there’s another truth here— GET OUT. STAY OUT. From there you can do whatever work needs to be done on your end, just as E. Buddha has mentioned.

And as far as Match goes. I’ve been dabbling in online dating and all I’ve come to discover is that A.) I’m not ready B.) I seem to only attract unavailable men, likely because I am also emotionally unavailable at the moment. Despite online dating, I still went back to my ex. And guess what? He said if I had dated and at any point been physical with anyone else, then I was, “tainted”. So, guess who then had to live with lies over completely innocent things, in the back of my mind to avoid further abuse and the fear of being viewed as “tainted”. I mean, how completely absurd on all levels, from both sides. That I would choose to go back knowing that way of thinking is emotionally unhealthy AND immature.

I think E. Buddha is right that you haven’t hit that decisive moment. You don’t owe anyone anything in regards to that trip. My guess is, you’re going to go on that trip. If you don’t, I’m so proud of you and if you do, I don’t blame you. Getting out of these relationships isn’t easy. You have to decide when enough is enough. It’s all up to you. But, I hope this forum is helping you feel less alone. It’s certainly helping me and every post inspires me more and more to continue staying away from that monster.

Hi E. Buddha,

Wow. I’m sitting here sobbing, tears and snot pouring out of me like a broken faucet.

I can’t even begin to tell you how not only impactful your reply is, but also how spot on you are on so many levels. No one has ever been able to compare it and pull out the feelings and emotions so well. Points number 3, 4 and 5 really hit close to home. No one ever stops to consider the fact that there have been positives and good things that keep people in situations like this coming back for more, making excuses for the abuse because there are good things and you minimize the abuse in your mind, because after all- there’s all this other, “good stuff”. I’m lucky and feel blessed to have friends who haven’t left my side. However, to your point, they hit a breaking point where they were tired of hearing about it and finally starting practicing some “tough love” on me. It’s taken time to repair some of the damage being with him caused in those friendships, but they are back on track.

The past 3-6 months have been the biggest moments for me in terms of change. We used to work together and I had to see him every day. Needless to say, pretty hard to detach and move forward when that person is in front of you, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I had a great job at an amazing company, but it made it impossible to fully move forward, so in December, I left, took the last 3 months off and spent time traveling and focusing on myself. A week before leaving for a trip half way around the world (which was 2 weeks ago), we started speaking again and spent time together, and low and behold- there I was back in it. When I returned, I thought maybe we were going to work things out, but the DAY I returned (this past Saturday) we fell back into another cycle and the abuse started again and I ran away (again), and I think, no.. I KNOW, I’m finally at my #5 of your point.

I spent 3 months empowering myself, feeling happy and carefree again. Nourishing and nurturing friendships and family relationships that had all been bruised and impacted by having this man in my life. I finally thought, “How the HELL could I give all of this up again for THIS? I DON’T hate myself, so why would I act like I do?” I’m at a pivotal time right now (I just walked away on Saturday) where I need to do all the hard work to stay the F away from this man.

I threw myself back into therapy immediately. I went and saw an energy healer (which I know sounds a little silly, but a friend recommended it and I’m willing to try anything at this point), and she picked up on EVERYTHING without me even having to utter a word.

Luckily, the energy healer gave me some techniques that are already helping me feel the strength to detach, not just physically, but also emotionally. But, I know this road isn’t going to be an easy one and I also realize there’s some deeper digging I need to do in terms of what drew me to a relationship like this in the first place. Luckily, I have an understanding of where that needs to begin.

Anyway, E. Buddha- to hear that you were in such a similar situation and were still able to find your way to a happy, healthy, respectful relationship and marriage is inspiring and gives me hope. I have so many wonderful people around me who are in very loving, balanced, healthy relationships and all I want is to find that and have that.

I visualize myself in this happy partnership with a solid, kind man, but there’s this place, deep in the back of my mind that plays games with that process. Sometimes I can visualize it and feel it and believe it, and then, every so often this little voice inside says, “But, you won’t find it. You are only capable of drawing in the wrong ones.” I hate that voice and that place and all I want to do is make it go away.

So, I guess that’s where I am today– at a place where I see the writing on the wall, know what needs to be done and dealt with. Just need to make a promise to myself to stick with it and know that it won’t be easy and that’s okay, because eventually it’ll all be worth it.

I’m so happy you found a great guy. If you’re reading this, when you’re done, go to him, give him the biggest hug ever from all of us who are inspired to know that men like him exist.

Thank you so much for your words and sharing your story. I’m printing this out and keeping it close by to read during the moments when I feel the weakness of his pull tugging at me.

Strange to feel so connected to a stranger after something as simple as a blog forum response.

Claire- hopefully you’ll be able to get some clarity as you seek to escape your situation, too. I felt so empowered the first time I left him, but each time we go back, it chips away at that empowerment. The last time I left, I was out for months and was on top of life and recently caved again. Sometimes it almost feels like an addiction and it makes me ill to think that I could even be that way.

Does your guy make you feel like in your time away, while you’re healing yourself or practicing self-love and self-worth that you’ve somehow done something wrong? I’m made to feel that way every time. When I take space and tell him I can’t reconnect until he works on his issues and then he fools me into believing he has, he turns around and makes me feel like I”m a monster for creating space.

As much as I hate to hear someone else is going through a similar situation, it’s nice to not feel so alone. Especially as all my good friends move into the next phases of their healthy relationships with engagements, marriages and babies… such a lonely place to be stuck in.

I meant I do NOT want to love this man anymore*