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I first of all have to applaud you for making such a difficult decision knowing it might not work out, but if you want it to work this must be done. Take a better attitude towards the situation and especially towards yourself. If you truly care about this person, you have to understand the hardships and issues she is dealing with. Clearly if she has this type of relationship with you, there is something dead in her marriage. You owe it to yourself, not just her, to give her this time. You don’t want to get into a relationship with someone who is this confused. She went outside of her marriage for something that was missing. She needs to find herself and realize what she wants in a relationship. Right now she has the comfort of her husband for certain things, then the comfort of you for the things she is missing. She is partially involved with 2 different people. She doesn’t know what she wants.
I completely understand where you are coming from with your emotions. Sure, work, activities, friends, going out, and doing things helps to take your mind off things and you generally feel good about it. However, when you get home, sit down, and finally start coming down from your day you tend to reflect. Sitting in your own thoughts and letting them overcome you can be hell. I know exactly what you mean about being lonely. You are fine with being alone and being with yourself, but it’s going through life lonely. I am in a very similar situation. What I have done to make those nights better and to no longer have them is to work on myself. I really sat and thought about this loneliness or fear of it. I started to realize that it isn’t that I am lonely. It’s the fact that I wasn’t completely comfortable with myself, who I was, where I was going, and what I am currently doing. I wanted someone else in my life to share it with. More like I wanted someone in my life that would value me and validate me, make me feel important. Only you can truly make yourself feel that way. If someone else does, that’s just topical. I started writing my feelings down without structure or thought and then re-read them. I got more active working out and being healthier. I took more pride in my work. When difficult situations showed up, instead of feeling down and doubting myself, I encouraged myself to embrace the uncomfortable feelings, know that I can overcome them, and move forward.
Take some time for yourself. Use this time to work on yourself. This could possibly be the best thing for the both of you. You get to know you better and to make yourself a better person, and she gets to figure out herself.April 22, 2013 at 8:09 am in reply to: When your head and heart take absence after heartbreak #34142TomParticipant
Hey Pip, Just like Tengui, I created an account on here just to respond to you. I am a male in my mid 20s. I am literally going through the same situation as you except she is the one invoking those feelings inside of me.
We started off wonderfully. She was great, we were great. We were together for over a year, I got a great job across the state, proposed, then we moved. Life was good. We went out, enjoyed each other, had a blast in the new city. Life was moving. Then, she just started with the same stuff you are talking about. She wasn’t happy with her job/career path. This obviously impacted her mood and caused doubts in herself. I have been extremely supportive, loving, caring, ..everything. Hey self discontent has caused her to push me away, introduced distrust and dishonestly from her part, and generally caused her to doubt herself and us. I started changing from a confident, charismatic, and happy person to someone with anxiety, trust issues, doubting myself, fearing the next time I get a panic attack or anxiety attack, and trying to give more of myself in hopes that things would get better.
I am currently at this exact point in my relationship. Previously when things like this have happened or it has gotten to this stage, it would have caused me anxiety, and caused me to do anything in the world to keep her. Recently I just realized that the person I was has changed for the worse. I am not happy with that. I am not being cocky, but I think I am a great looking guy. I keep myself in shape, I have a great career, I am a really nice guy, and I have no problems talking to anyone and everyone. Then I just noticed, I had no confidence with women anymore. I actually got nervous talking to them. It has been 100% linked to the way I have been treated and the way I have allowed myself to feel. I am not going to blame these feelings on her. Sure, she was the root cause, however, I allowed her actions (or lack there of) to make me feel the way I was feeling.
I noticed I was no longer a happy person and I could not put my finger on it. I would wake up and go to work to do a job I really enjoy and have enjoyed in the past, but then think to myself “I have everything I need and want, why can’t I be happy with that?” I started to think that maybe I was a depressed person and not capable of being happy like everyone else. Then everything just came to a breaking point. I started thinking about me, myself, and who I am. Not who I want to be, or who I want to be with, or what I enjoy doing. I starting asking myself, honestly, who am I? I realized that I have not been asking myself this question often enough. I was putting emotions and feelings that made me uncomfortable away, deep inside of me. I was thinking that my relationship was great, when it really wasn’t.
Once I set out to sit down, and listen to my inner emotions and actually address them and feel them, did I really start to feel happier. This site actually got me to start writing down my feelings in my moleskine everyday. It’s just therapeutic to just write about your feelings, analyze them, and without structure or thought. Then when I went back and reread what I just wrote, it was as if discussing my problems with someone who knows EXACTLY what I am going through. I was able to break down the barrier of what was bothering me and who I really was by just facing my emotions. I found out that the confident person I was is still there, I just allowed myself to slowly forget about my true self in order to try to project some fake happiness. I realized that I can only truly be happy when I am myself.
Previously when I would have these issues with my fiancee, it would 100% guarantee an anxiety filled day or week following. I would let my negative emotions snowball causing irrational thoughts and trying to envision every scenario and it’s outcome. I am very proud of myself to say that last week has been the most positive and happiest week I have had in a very long time. I know that in the end, no matter what, I WILL be alright. I WILL be happy someday. I WILL be valued by the person I am in a relationship. I WILL be loved, I WILL have someone who is loyal and deserves the amount of love that I give them. If that isn’t in this relationship, then it will be in another. I am a stronger person now. This situation has made me stronger and better equipped in the future to deal with painful and difficult emotions and situations.
Please take some time to yourself and truly examine those painful and repressed emotions. Write if you need to, but don’t short change yourself. At first it will be difficult, you will cry, feel depressed, angry, made, …everything. Then when you start to see that these emotions and feelings aren’t as scary or upsetting as you initially thought, especially after you have faced them, you will notice that you are finding yourself and your center again.
Please smile. I promise things will workout. One way or the other they always do. In the end you WILL be happy. Whatever the end is. My favorite quote in times like these: “This too shall pass”