Well,  i talked to her last night.  I told her that I’m unsure about this and don’t want to make this decision because of feeling guilty or because it’s what she wants and that if i’m not ready that it could possible make things bad.  I really hurt her.  She is a mess now.  I asked her to give me some time to really think this through and see what truly in my heart.  That didn’t go very well either.  I feel like a total asshole now.  I’m trying to be strong and not let her influence what i’m feeling to make sure i do this correctly.

I am a people pleaser. This is really hard to stand my ground and not just cave in.  I feel like things would be great if she did move in, however i really don’t know if i’m ready to be a full time dad to two more children.  I get my two kids every other week, so i have two weeks a month to myself.  If she does move in then that is gone, in fact I  will be watching her kids when she has to work nights or weekends.  Which i thought i was good with, but it is a huge responsibility.  I’m just  not sure i am ready for that.

Mean while, she is suffering.  I’ve hurt her so bad with this it hurts me too.  We are going camping together this weekend and i’m afraid that this is going to be a tough trip.  She is going to be a mess and we won’t be able to enjoy this weekend like we should.

Relationships shouldn’t be this stressful and hard should they.  There should never be doubt or question should there?  Or am i just blinded by my previous love, where i never had any doubt or question.  Until i got burned of coarse.  No i always have that.

No, my ex-girlfriends kids were grown up.

it is anything.  She would do anything for me.  She wants to help me with my house, my kids, my financial situation, intimacy, absolutely anything. She just wants to make me happy.  She is willing to give and do for me what i’ve been wanting for a long time.  Complete devotion and love.  I just don’t know what’s keeping me from going all in.  Might be the “fear and guilt” thing.  Yes i would be a full time dad.

in fact she worked swing/graveyard shifts friday and saturday this last weekend so i watched her kiddos for her.  I found myself getting tense.  They are wonderful kids, but i was getting…  can’t think of the right word…   Not resentful, but something like that. Like, this is the next few years.   dealing with these kids.  I feel awful thinking or saying that.