Home→Forums→Relationships→Breaking up and she has kids
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June 22, 2018 at 6:59 am #213587
JoeParticipantHello, new to this site. I’m really needing some advice. I’ve been dating someone for about 5 months now. We both have younger kids. This woman is fantastic in so many ways and we have hit it off. it feels like she is Perfect for me “on paper”. I do love her and she is in love with me. she would do anything for me. But for me there is something missing. I don’t have that feeling i should, or at least i think i should. I love being with her and hanging out with her and talking to her, but seriously feels like there is something missing.
Well we recently have talked about her and her kids moving in at the end of summer. I was all on board until it came to be a reality. COLD FEET. I’m trying to be cool and figure it out, but does this mean i’m really not in love with her like I should be? I’ve had another girlfriend in the past that i would of relocated to another state without doubt or thought if she would of asked me. Just because how how much i did love her and want to be with her. With my GF, i don’t have that feeling. I know that there are different levels or kinds of love. I feel like if we do take this step that our relationship will grow and blossom. But then i have fear of it not and making a huge mistake, especially since there are kids involved.
To make things more complicated, her kids absolutely love me. I love them too, they are 7 and 9 and they don’t have a father. haven’t ever known one. And she is so in love with me. She tells me how much and what she would do for me and i don’t feel the same. I know that feeling she has, i’ve had if before with an old girlfriend. But i don’t feel that way now.
I’ve thought about breaking it off, but what if do and i figure out i do love her and want her and her kids to live with me and then i screw that up? I know if i do break up with her, it will seriously break her heart and devastate her and break her kids hearts to.
I really don’t know what to do. I can see such a happy life with her, but at the same time i worry that i may never feel 100% like i should if you are really in love with someone.
June 22, 2018 at 7:45 am #213621
AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
To understand better, I ask regarding what you wrote here: “I know that feeling she has, I’ve had it before with an old girlfriend”-
what is that feeling that you had with an old girlfriend, the feeling you believe she has for you?
* How much of the fact that she has young children without a father in their lives play into her feeling for you?
anita
June 22, 2018 at 11:06 am #213659JoeParticipant“what is that feeling that you had with an old girlfriend, the feeling you believe she has for you?”
The feeling of head over heels true love. A love that you would do any thing for without thought or hesitation.
“How much of the fact that she has young children without a father in their lives play into her feeling for you?”
That is a big thing for her, the fact that i am there and include her children in my life. I take after them as if they were mine.
She has expressed all she want is to be with me and take care of me. She would do anything for me.
I do have love for her, but not like that. I know how she feels, i’ve felt that with someone else, just not with her. I wish i did. I don’t know if it’s something that will come in time or not. With my old girlfriend, i felt that right away and new i was really in love with her.
my problem is that i’m not sure if i can love her the way that i should? or if i will over time. I don’t want to keep this up, just because it’s the right thing to do, or settle I guess. Kind of harsh sounding, but that’s my issue…and i don’t want to hurt her or her kids. It breaks my heart knowing that i could do that. It would devastate her if i broke it off.
June 22, 2018 at 11:17 am #213661AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
I need to be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back. I hope other members will reply to you before (and after) I am back.
anita
June 23, 2018 at 3:57 am #213765AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
You wrote: “if I do break up with her, it will seriously break her heart and devastate her and break her kids hearts to.. I don’t want to hurt her or her kids. It breaks my heart knowing that I could do that. It would devastate her if I broke it off”.
These feelings of fear and guilt at the thought of breaking up with her makes it difficult or impossible to experience pleasant, in-love feelings. Fear and guilt don’t go together with “head over heels true love. A love that you would do any thing for without thought or hesitation“.
Fear and guilt produce lots of thoughts and lots of hesitation. Your ex girlfriend did not have young children, correct? Or if she did, they had a father.
This current relationship and the prospect of moving in together is not just about having a girlfriend. It is about becoming a full time father to two children.
Question to you, if you would like to answer: “she tells me how much and what she would do for me”- what is it that she says and how often, in what circumstances?
anita
June 25, 2018 at 6:30 am #214023JoeParticipantNo, my ex-girlfriends kids were grown up.
it is anything. She would do anything for me. She wants to help me with my house, my kids, my financial situation, intimacy, absolutely anything. She just wants to make me happy. She is willing to give and do for me what i’ve been wanting for a long time. Complete devotion and love. I just don’t know what’s keeping me from going all in. Might be the “fear and guilt” thing. Yes i would be a full time dad.
in fact she worked swing/graveyard shifts friday and saturday this last weekend so i watched her kiddos for her. I found myself getting tense. They are wonderful kids, but i was getting… can’t think of the right word… Not resentful, but something like that. Like, this is the next few years. dealing with these kids. I feel awful thinking or saying that.
June 25, 2018 at 7:28 am #214033AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
It is a huge responsibility and a whole lot of work, lots and lots of patience required to do a good job being a father. Basically, if you move in with her, you are taking on a full time, demanding job. What she is willing to do for you may not be a satisfying compensation for such a job.
I understand a single mother wanting badly to have a good father for her children. I wish she had that, but it doesn’t read like she has it in you. I don’t think your guilt is justified although it is better to think thoroughly before getting involved with a single mother of young children, especially before meeting her children and spending time with them. So to prevent their attachment to you as well as the heartache you are experiencing.
What do you think about breaking up with her but doing so gently, that is, explaining to her honestly your trouble with becoming a father to her children and offering to be a part of their lives for a while, perhaps babysitting at times, so that you don’t disappear completely and suddenly from the children’s lives?
anita
June 25, 2018 at 8:12 am #214041
MarkParticipantJoe,
After 5 months you two want to live together? Plus merge her family/children?
The “honeymoon” phase of a relationship usually lasts six months to a year. So you two are still in your infatuation stage.
It is recommended by therapists not to be involved with the other’s children until the relationship is beyond this stage. If it does not work out then the children will experience another loss in their lives.
I would not be so involved with her children. You are not their father.
You had experience one kind of love with your ex. You are still figuring it out with this woman. She wants to jump in head first. You two may be right together but you don’t know. This is what dating is about, i.e. giving each other time to get to know each other and know whether you are right for one another. It seems that you have either skipped or shortened the dating part.
Wait until you two are together for one year before making any decisions of sharing a household.
Mark
June 25, 2018 at 1:32 pm #214085JoeParticipantI never really thought about it like that. I will talk to her tonight. thanks for your advice. This is going to be hard on her.
June 26, 2018 at 3:21 am #214191AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Joe. I hope to read from you about what happens next.
anita
June 26, 2018 at 7:36 am #214235JoeParticipantWell, i talked to her last night. I told her that I’m unsure about this and don’t want to make this decision because of feeling guilty or because it’s what she wants and that if i’m not ready that it could possible make things bad. I really hurt her. She is a mess now. I asked her to give me some time to really think this through and see what truly in my heart. That didn’t go very well either. I feel like a total asshole now. I’m trying to be strong and not let her influence what i’m feeling to make sure i do this correctly.
I am a people pleaser. This is really hard to stand my ground and not just cave in. I feel like things would be great if she did move in, however i really don’t know if i’m ready to be a full time dad to two more children. I get my two kids every other week, so i have two weeks a month to myself. If she does move in then that is gone, in fact I will be watching her kids when she has to work nights or weekends. Which i thought i was good with, but it is a huge responsibility. I’m just not sure i am ready for that.
Mean while, she is suffering. I’ve hurt her so bad with this it hurts me too. We are going camping together this weekend and i’m afraid that this is going to be a tough trip. She is going to be a mess and we won’t be able to enjoy this weekend like we should.
Relationships shouldn’t be this stressful and hard should they. There should never be doubt or question should there? Or am i just blinded by my previous love, where i never had any doubt or question. Until i got burned of coarse. No i always have that.
June 26, 2018 at 7:45 am #214237MarkParticipantJoe,
It’s good that you know that you are a people pleaser. It is also good that you know that does not work too well for yourself. Growth and change can sometimes be painful.
It sounds like you were respectful and kind to her. That is all you can be even when she does not like the message or the circumstances. I believe that we get blinded what love is or should be. If she loves you then wouldn’t she accept your hesitation? your decision? This sounds more like neediness on her part.
You and her seem to look at the relationship as all-or-nothing, i.e. either a marriage-like situation where she moves in and you become the surrogate father or it’s nothing. There is no in between. There is no dating.
Mark
June 26, 2018 at 10:43 am #214267AnonymousGuestDear Joe:
Can you share more about how she responded to what you told her, what she actually said to you in response?
Identifying yourself as a people pleaser means it is better that you pause before making serious choices and ask yourself: am I driven to please this person at my expense, am I compelled to help this person and hurt myself by doing so.
It means you have a drive, a motivation, a compulsion and you need to be careful to not put yourself (and others, such as her children) in emotionally harmful situations that can be long term.
I hope to get your answer to my question above soon.
anita
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