Hi Vidya

Thanks for your considerate reply.

I don’t even know clearly what did I learn not to do in a relationship

This whole comment about dress thing happened way earlier in our relationship and I did admit to her it was my moment of indiscretion.

I did not do any of the vices in a relationship for her to dump me in such a brutal way with a text early in the morning

I do agree to your point though nobody owes their life to you

I am trying to cope with this. My most difficult times are when I sit for eating. Midway usually this guilt hits me and I am unable to eat post that and that is what has taken a toll on my health

Thanks

Hi Vidya & Anita

Thanks for the comforting words

I am trying to understand what does it signify about the person, given the full context I have laid out

Does it show a severe lack of empathy?

I am. Unable to remove my rose tinted glasses, remove her from the pedestal and look at this objectively

I am trying to get a closure myself. Please help

Thanks

One thing I want to share is she is a people pleaser and tries to please everyone even if they are unreasonable. She tries to be sweet to everybody.

She was busy a lot due to her work and stress in office

At times I am confused what am I trying to do here. Am I absolving my guilt over what I said a month back leading to break up? Am. I trying to get a moral high saying that I have been wronged and want to feel good like a victim? I am confused

Hi Anita

Few clarifications – She wanted to take up singing – classical singing which did not require any of the tight fitting, revealing clothes and all. Even then, the comment I had made in one of her youtube jamming videos, which was done casually, was a moment of indiscretion, where she in her hot pants and looking so toned, was super hot. After that, there were multiple occasions, when she used to send me selfies of her in trendy & tight clothes, where I was able to appreciate her prettiness wholeheartedly without getting insecure on her. Her question of spouse supporting was more in terms of she being a post graduate and her spouse insisting her to take up a job for financially supporting the family. When she aired this concern to me, I fully empathized with her situation, shared instances which people have done and reassured her. She replied she felt like hugging me for this.

My only problem is all these conversations happened over text. For example, once she asked me in the middle of usual whats up chat when we both were in office, do I have any burning dream like her which does not keep me asleep, which is risky. I told her I used to have lofty dreams once, but now I am more like I will go with the flow and take up something if it comes up. My focus now is to get married and set up a family and iron out any issues in  the next 2 years. I am person who always believe in doing small things right, be it professional or personal as I know with a good heart & clear mind, everything else will fall in place. Now this was I talking about me and not about us. But there is a good chance she might interpret this as I am talking about us. My whole point here was I shall be stable so that you can do all experiments in life. In a face 2 face conversation, all these things are easy to comprehend. In fact, we moved quickly probably from say 20% to 60% in our confidence about each other after spending 48 hours talking & understanding each other. She is a spontaneous person while I am more organized and planned. We concurred that both of us need a bit of other;s qualities for a better life and we will balance things well. She used to say rigidity makes her feel suffocated and also shared that i am flexible and fun with the right company. I even asked her does she believe an artsy person as a partner will suit her better for which she became defensive as to where did she say that. But again this was all texting

Hence, I always wanted to do a video call or face to face meeting to discuss and hear out all our core issues. In short, i wanted each of us to bare her souls. The message she wrote me was “It won’t work out because we are different in small things which are really important to me, the way we certain things, priorities, timelines etc…”.

I did drop her a message about 15 days back in a light hearted manner sharing my views on what might have gone wrong and reassured her, where probably I would have been misunderstood and I am willing to talk to her. She did not again reply though she has not blocked me

With 2 months gone, I know this is a lost cause. I know I might have committed some rookie relationship mistakes. But cold shouldering I got after all that abundance of love & sweetness, without even discussing what bothers her still hurts me and casting doubts on my communication style

Do people really drop off without any sort of discussion? How good/bad is texting in taking right decisions? A lot of context to me gets lost in texting as I pointed out here

Hi Michelle

She is in Thailand and her parents stay in India. Her brother and sister in law also stay with her. From the outset, we were clear that we were looking for a marriage and not for a casual fling. Her parents had taken our horoscopes and checked for compatibility immediately after our first meeting, at her behest. We were talking to get married in the usual Indian culture.

I am hurting more not because of rejection but the way it was done appears to me as if I did something despicable and that is what leading to guilt.

What made her act lovey dovey on previous day before brutally cutting me off without any explanation or closure hurts me

Dear anita

Thanks again for replying.

I really do not want to be an idiot and start calling her names now. I was brutally honest, caring and genuine in my feelings towards her. She used to tell her soul should be mostly happy with me. I am a very caring and genuine person. I have a good mix of emotions & practicality so on and so forth. This was 10 days before when this happened.

A day before she did this, we were petting each other on text, when she was tired with work and blowing each other hugs & kisses. The day before she broke up, she told she was sick and I was so nervous that something was wrong with her and told her I wish I was next to her so that I can take care of her, for which she was all emotional. There were multiple occasions when she used to miss our planned calls due to oversleeping, I never used to over react. A few times, I used to taunt her saying she is so busy all the time but that’s it. No animosity.

The thing I am also worried I do not know what to talk and what not to talk in my future relationships. What are my boundaries? How accommodative I should be? Where do I draw a line?

and this line further confuses me – ” i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and be her independent self and started feeling suffocated in the relationship”. I am in too much of self-introspection. I am struggling to see who am I

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by trekker_87.

Everyday in the morning, I find myself brooding over this and unable to wake up from my bed. I keep spending a lot of time rolling and closing my eyes lying on the bed. I do not know if I am under depression