Extreme guilt over breakup

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This topic has 27 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Vidya.

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June 4, 2018 at 11:57 am #210727

trekker_87
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I am a 31 year old guy from India. 5 months back, I had met a girl in one of the semi-matrimony, semi-dating apps(India has a lot of such apps, for people looking for long term commitments). Luckily, it turned out that she was one of my friend’s wife’s close friend and we immediately hit off. Both of us were looking for a long term commitment, leading to marriage. We had similar interests and lot of things we had similar views. She was working abroad and she was OK to move to India. Slowly she started taking this conversation from app to whatsapp chats to calls to video calls to meeting in person. We finally met after 2 months. We spent 2 days talking with each other, understanding our values, likes & dislikes. After our meeting, she went back and shared about to me her parents and siblings. Her parents were ok, friends were happy and everyone was expecting us to formalize things soon.

A month after we met, I proposed marriage to her. I had explained her during this conversation very honestly on how did I arrive at my decision, how did I clear them by rationally thinking through and finally what made it click for me. Two things I did think over were I was a teetotaler & she was just new to drinking, I told her that as long she is not an alcoholic I don’t have an issue, which I figured out. The second thing is since she was working abroad, she used to be comfortable wearing clothes like hot pants & spaghetti tops, which is not very common in India. There was one occasion previously in one of her singing videos, where inspite of being captivated by her stupendous singing , i was distracted by her hotness and told her I was distracted with her attire. I was able to recognize that this was my own random insecurity & has nothing to do with her. I did explain this whole thought process to her, to which she immediately became very defensive saying she dressed up appropriately for the occasion, to which I told her you don’t need to explain me, as it was a misplaced insecurity from my side. She was very excited and told me she needed some time to think and need to spend a lot of time & space to speak freely with each other to finally make up her mind

Post this, since I knew it is a long distance relationship, I started making extra efforts in terms of going out of the way in terms of accommodating and making time so that we could talk. There were times when she could not be available all the time but I made it a point never to point that out and kept accommodating. Still, we did spend a good amount of time every week over video calls, talking to each other, over the next 2 months. We also started getting more intimate and closer to each other, without being sexual in our chats and conversations and we started behaving like properly loved up people. A couple of times, she used to tell me I am stuck in her mind and keep sometimes apologizing that in case if she had hurt me unwittingly asking for forgiveness, which was very confusing to me. One thing I want to put it here is inspite of stating that she needed time to talk from me, she would never discuss relationship, life related issues, questions over call or video and only over text. I had a discomfort over that and told her. Almost all of this discussion was around her leaving her job and taking up music as her career, which she was always doubtful if her spouse would support. She never tried to probe me though. From the bottom of my heart, I always wanted her to thrive and be happy and had no reservations over it. We used to discuss our couple goals, things we want to do as a couple, keep nicknames and do random jamming for hours on video call

She had some issues regarding timeline of the wedding which I wanted to happen faster. I had told her we shall discuss this in person when we meet in person. Since both our passports were stuck due to various reasons, we could not plan the third meeting quickly. I wanted the meeting to happen in India as it would be easier for us to meet our parents in case needed.We were trying to work out the dates for the meeting.

All of a sudden for about one and half days, she went into silent mode and then next day early morning she messages me saying i am a really nice guy but things won’t work out between us as our priorities, timelines, very small things which matter to her we are different and ends it there. It was a rude shock to me and I had no inkling that what was coming my way. I tried calling her, messaging her etc. without abusing her.She stopped picking my calls without blocking me. Her best friend of 16 years who is also my friend’s wife to whom she had relayed everything about us also had no clue this was coming. On that day itself, I stopped messaging or reaching out to her. To convey my emotional state, I called up this best friend and told her that whatever happened is fine and asked her to communicate to her that i understood that she needs time and space. Please take the time and in case needed she can reach out to me at any point of time. My friend’s wife was sharing to me that she was also shocked at her change of mind as she had always told her that we were heading for marriage. She also hinted that my girl felt i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and started feeling suffocated in the relationship and asked me to be mindful whenever she comes back and told me she is saying she needs more time to make up her mind. Her final words were she will definitely come back and reach out to you

It has been 2 months since this happened. I have been in complete No Contact Mode with her. In social media, I see no apparent discomfort in her as she has been travelling around with her friends every weekend, posting fun & frolic photos

I am very heartbroken over this entire episode and I dunno what exactly to do. I am unable to even rationalize as to why did she feel that way as I have always treated her with utmost respect and care, never pestering or nagging her and I am definitely not someone who is dominating and imposing on my partner wishes. Her friend also shared with me that she is a non confrontational person and does not share things openly. My girl had shared with me her past relationships and in both cases the guys had treated her very shabbily and broken her. Nowhere I had behaved this way. My parents as well used to be very happy that I finally seem to identified my partner. They will also be terribly broken at this turn of events

Looking back, i was true, genuine, honest and fully vested with her and saw a life with her. I could not have done anything different here. I have immense grief over one thing though. At heart, I am not a chauvinistic pig or a man brimming with insecurities on how women dress. I was honest enough to admit how this thought came to my mind and how I course corrected. I am terribly guilty if she had rejected me thinking i was a chauvinistic, insecure guy. This topic never came up for discussion after the day I proposed her in those 2 months but still I am regretting heavily over this as that is not me fundamentally and it was a moment of indiscretion.

I have no closure though on what led to this decision though. Right from my therapist to my close friends, all say that you have not done anything wrong and it is very immature on her part to pull the plug like this, when you were discussing things in so much detail, I am unable to absolve my guilt

June 4, 2018 at 9:38 pm #210809

trekker_87
Participant

Everyday in the morning, I find myself brooding over this and unable to wake up from my bed. I keep spending a lot of time rolling and closing my eyes lying on the bed. I do not know if I am under depression

June 5, 2018 at 5:34 am #210855

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

It could be that she ended the relationship with you simply because she changed her mind about moving back to India. For one thing, she feels comfortable dressing a certain way where she lives and probably doesn’t want to conform to the more traditional dress code in India, for one. Then she has friends in the country where she lives. You wrote that in the last two months, “she has been traveling around with her friends every weekend, posting fun & frolic photos”

Reads to me that she broke off the relationship with you and the plans you both made not because you were disrespectful toward her, not because you made the comments you made about her drinking or clothes, not because you were “a chauvinistic pig or a man”, but simply because she has fun where she lives, she has friends there, is able to dress and drink the way she wants to, and does not want to lose her friends and comfort by moving back to India.

What do you think?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 6:54 am #210867
trekker_87
Participant
Dear anita

Thanks for replying.

The part which I am unable to understand is why did she not even had a proper dialogue with me, on her own aspirations. I feel very hurt by it

Never I had told her, you should not drink anymore or you should not wear these clothes. I had honestly told her these were initial unwanted insecurities I had but I was able to tide them over and I was comfortable with all of the same, which again I am admitting honestly here. I had also told her I was open to move abroad, when I had proposed to her, basis her choices/preferences

I am unable to fathom how can someone flip so quickly when till 2 days back we were talking to each other like 2 fully loved up people, discussing our life together and then drop me a message at 5 am in the morning and ghosting me out completely.

I am not seeing this an entitlement but this lack of closure hurts me brutally and keeps getting me back to what did I do wrongly when by heart I knew I really loved this woman as she was.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by trekker_87.
June 5, 2018 at 7:27 am #210879

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

Clearly you are hurting, very much so. I wish it wasn’t so, I wish she was honest and decent with you from the beginning and throughout. You seem to be taking responsibility more than you own. Her behavior is not a reaction to your behavior, I don’t think. She ghosted you not because you did something wrong but because it is easier for her to do so.

People don’t like confrontations, difficult situations. It takes a good character for a person to do what is difficult because it is the right thing to do.

Did you consider that she may not have a good character, and that is why she ghosted you?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 9:51 am #210917
trekker_87
Participant
Dear anita

Thanks again for replying.

I really do not want to be an idiot and start calling her names now. I was brutally honest, caring and genuine in my feelings towards her. She used to tell her soul should be mostly happy with me. I am a very caring and genuine person. I have a good mix of emotions & practicality so on and so forth. This was 10 days before when this happened.

A day before she did this, we were petting each other on text, when she was tired with work and blowing each other hugs & kisses. The day before she broke up, she told she was sick and I was so nervous that something was wrong with her and told her I wish I was next to her so that I can take care of her, for which she was all emotional. There were multiple occasions when she used to miss our planned calls due to oversleeping, I never used to over react. A few times, I used to taunt her saying she is so busy all the time but that’s it. No animosity.

The thing I am also worried I do not know what to talk and what not to talk in my future relationships. What are my boundaries? How accommodative I should be? Where do I draw a line?

and this line further confuses me – ” i was too strong and would not allow her to thrive freely and be her independent self and started feeling suffocated in the relationship”. I am in too much of self-introspection. I am struggling to see who am I
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by trekker_87.
June 5, 2018 at 10:53 am #210933

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

You are struggling to see what it is that you did wrong in this relationship, after all, “extreme guilt over breakup” is the title of your thread.

It doesn’t appear that she is suffering from the breakup: she has not reached out to you to help her and you “see no apparent discomfort in her” as a result of the breakup. The discomfort and “extreme guilt” is with you. You are the one suffering.

You are suffering because you believe that you are guilty. Your extreme guilt is not specific to this breakup. It is not new, is it?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 11:13 am #210939

trekker_87
Participant

Dear Anita

She is super active in Facebook. She shares videos like the true person whom you need to really marry. She shared a 6 month old photograph which she had shared with me, which her mom was skeptical to allow her to put on social media. These are the breadcrumbs I have. Her past relationships were like a 6 year old one where she was cheated upon and one more later a year back where the guy was commitment phobic. Her friend told me about a month back that she can empathize with me but as the girl is acting very withdrawn from family and friends, she does not know what to tell me.

This is my first proper relationship in life. I am generally a high internal locus of control individual and vocalky self critical as well. I am seeing this through the same lens and hence find it difficult and guilty

June 5, 2018 at 11:30 am #210941

Michelle
Participant

I don’t know where she lives but I will assume it is a western country. You must understand that western culture and eastern culture are very different. I second what Anita stated in that this girl simply wants the freedoms that she now has and probably second-guessed her initial talk of moving to India to be with you.

Sometimes things don’t work you. That is another difference in our cultures; there is much more of a dating culture here where people get to know what they like and what they are searching for before rushing into a marriage. You only knew each other for a few months. You admit that this was your first proper relationship in life. Learn from it and move on with someone who wants the same things as you do.

June 5, 2018 at 11:40 am #210943

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

You wrote that you are “a high internal locus of control individual”. Wikipedia states: “Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions”- well some events do, and other events don’t. You believe that events that are not a result of your actions are a result of your actions.

Got to differentiate what is a result of your actions and what is not; what you are responsible for (what you caused to happen) and what you are not. I think that this lack of differentiation is the reason you “do not know what to talk and what not to talk in (your) future relationships”.

When you believe that you have more power than you do, you are afraid to say the wrong thing, not to say the right thing. You are afraid because your words and actions carry so much weight, in your own mind. Every word you say can build or destroy. Most often this is not the case- you don’t have that much power.

Do you relate to what I wrote here? If you do, when did it start, you believing that you have that much power?

anita

June 5, 2018 at 11:54 am #210951

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

I will be away from the computer for the next 15 hours or so. If you reply I will read and respond further when I am back. Of course, other members may reply to you as well, before I am back. I hope you feel better soon.

anita

June 5, 2018 at 12:10 pm #210955

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Michelle

She is in Thailand and her parents stay in India. Her brother and sister in law also stay with her. From the outset, we were clear that we were looking for a marriage and not for a casual fling. Her parents had taken our horoscopes and checked for compatibility immediately after our first meeting, at her behest. We were talking to get married in the usual Indian culture.

I am hurting more not because of rejection but the way it was done appears to me as if I did something despicable and that is what leading to guilt.

What made her act lovey dovey on previous day before brutally cutting me off without any explanation or closure hurts me

June 5, 2018 at 12:15 pm #210959

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Anita

By mistake I had clicked the report button. Please pardon me 🙂

I am able to understand your point. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the effort to reach out to you for clarity rather than going on with assumptions. So I should not beat myself up and keep feeling guilty

June 6, 2018 at 4:11 am #211183

Anonymous
Guest

Dear trekker_87:

That’s okay, clicking the button by mistake. I noticed you thanked me repeatedly for replying and I didn’t acknowledge you thanking me, so I do now: you are very welcome.

I re-read your original post. You read like a very rational, thoughtful man, and I do hope that the woman who will end up marrying you will be a good woman worthy of such a thoughtful, considerate and respectful man.

I agree with you that you “should not beat (yourself) up and keep feeling guilty” regarding this breakup. Having re-read your original post I see that she had from the very beginning a problem talking about certain issues (“she would never discuss relationship, life related issues”), so no wonder she didn’t discuss with you the breakup either, beyond messaging you saying you are a really nice guy etc. The latter is consistent with her inclination to not talk about relationship issues.

You wrote that she did talk about “her leaving her job and taking up music as her career, which she was always doubtful if her spouse would support”. Her friend later on “hinted that my girl felt I … would not allow her to thrive freely”-

Well, she was “doubtful if her spouse would support” a music career (which includes, in her mind, wearing revealing and tight fitting clothes) and she believed you wouldn’t. This here may very well be the reason. She didn’t communicate this to you, or otherwise, she didn’t communicate to you more about her thoughts and feelings because she was/ is not in the habit of doing so.

Not even with her friend who told you she was “also shocked at her change of mind”. She doesn’t like to talk about certain things, whatever makes her uncomfortable to talk about.

anita

June 6, 2018 at 5:13 am #211187

trekker_87
Participant

Hi Anita

Few clarifications – She wanted to take up singing – classical singing which did not require any of the tight fitting, revealing clothes and all. Even then, the comment I had made in one of her youtube jamming videos, which was done casually, was a moment of indiscretion, where she in her hot pants and looking so toned, was super hot. After that, there were multiple occasions, when she used to send me selfies of her in trendy & tight clothes, where I was able to appreciate her prettiness wholeheartedly without getting insecure on her. Her question of spouse supporting was more in terms of she being a post graduate and her spouse insisting her to take up a job for financially supporting the family. When she aired this concern to me, I fully empathized with her situation, shared instances which people have done and reassured her. She replied she felt like hugging me for this.

My only problem is all these conversations happened over text. For example, once she asked me in the middle of usual whats up chat when we both were in office, do I have any burning dream like her which does not keep me asleep, which is risky. I told her I used to have lofty dreams once, but now I am more like I will go with the flow and take up something if it comes up. My focus now is to get married and set up a family and iron out any issues in the next 2 years. I am person who always believe in doing small things right, be it professional or personal as I know with a good heart & clear mind, everything else will fall in place. Now this was I talking about me and not about us. But there is a good chance she might interpret this as I am talking about us. My whole point here was I shall be stable so that you can do all experiments in life. In a face 2 face conversation, all these things are easy to comprehend. In fact, we moved quickly probably from say 20% to 60% in our confidence about each other after spending 48 hours talking & understanding each other. She is a spontaneous person while I am more organized and planned. We concurred that both of us need a bit of other;s qualities for a better life and we will balance things well. She used to say rigidity makes her feel suffocated and also shared that i am flexible and fun with the right company. I even asked her does she believe an artsy person as a partner will suit her better for which she became defensive as to where did she say that. But again this was all texting

Hence, I always wanted to do a video call or face to face meeting to discuss and hear out all our core issues. In short, i wanted each of us to bare her souls. The message she wrote me was “It won’t work out because we are different in small things which are really important to me, the way we certain things, priorities, timelines etc…”.

I did drop her a message about 15 days back in a light hearted manner sharing my views on what might have gone wrong and reassured her, where probably I would have been misunderstood and I am willing to talk to her. She did not again reply though she has not blocked me

With 2 months gone, I know this is a lost cause. I know I might have committed some rookie relationship mistakes. But cold shouldering I got after all that abundance of love & sweetness, without even discussing what bothers her still hurts me and casting doubts on my communication style

Do people really drop off without any sort of discussion? How good/bad is texting in taking right decisions? A lot of context to me gets lost in texting as I pointed out here
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