Thank you,

Yes, I agree my conduct is part of everything as well. I do regret the whole ‘crush’ thing I told him about a while back as that really did fuel things, at that point in time that my way to try to say I want to try to fix things before they get worse, just in a weird way that was far from the best way of doing so. At that point in time I really did want to try to fix things, but over the months as interactions between us got worse and I really sided to the idea of we needed time apart from each other to both ‘heal’ and not have the kids keep witnessing the chaos. I believe he means the best, especially for his kids and wants to hold onto the family as a whole.

Personally I’m at the point where I feel the only chance we have is by living separately, as in his presence I get anxious, stressed, resentful, and I’m constantly accused of infidelity day in and day out (the first thing said to me upon waking this morning was “Did you sleep with him this weekend?” In which…I have never even come close to doing, ever.) My every action, even texting friends or family is analyzed and accused…and it’s just not healthy for either of us…he’s living in constant fear of me cheating on him and I’m living in constant fear of what I’m doing is being considered cheating on him. It’s to the point where he said in counseling he would prefer if I just admit I’m cheating on him, because then this would ‘all be over’….but the absolute truth is I’m not, and never have.

I’ve felt very strongly for the last 1 – 2 months that moving out for now is the best thing, and now that the chance is happening all of a sudden I’m just overwhelmed with the emotions of it all.

Well, I’m coming back here as things are so close to my ‘turning’ point, and so much has happened since I last posted and I’m just having a moment of emotional turmoil with changes coming at me quickly now. Things progressively got worse, we did go to counseling together for a bit, but things Still got worse at home. And by worse I mean a month ago there was a point I called the police because he was freaking out at me for hiding posts on my Facebook page from him….and he turned on my computer and ordered me to log on and show him to prove I wasn’t cheating on him, pushed me off of my computer then physically held me back so he could attempt to read my private message with the man he’s constantly accusing me of cheating with….he even contacted my friend on his own accord and told him to stay away from me (in which my friend became more supportive of me when he found out what was going on!).
Less than a month ago he broke his hand punching a desk out of anger when I was trying to discuss with him that we need to separate and I’m looking for a place….
Every single time I feel he Knows we are separating and we end up ‘getting along’ for a day after such a discussion, he suddenly assumes and acts like we are back together again because there were no incidents between us…

Now for the last week or so….he has been going overboard with the gifts / compliments / I love you’s / I’m now a changed man so you can be proud of me one day…..

So, I did speak to a lawyer to know my rights….unfortunately just leaving with the kids in my case wasn’t to my advantage because where I live I HAVE to provide him access to them when there are no custody orders, and he would be allowed to do the same to me…and the last thing I wanted was to get the kids caught in the middle of some mess like that…On that note he has used them against me in the recent past saying things such as “If you ever leave with the kids without my permission, I’m calling the police to report you for kidnapping!”

I got myself on the waiting list for legal aid where I’m from..and this week I meet up with my lawyer who is supposed to help me with custody, etc…..the other thing being in the province I am from the courts seek 50/50 as much as possible, even if there is a history of drug use, etc…..so I really need to be careful about this as well. I keep getting told the absolute best thing is to agree with him without the courts being involved on child arrangements, unless there’s absolute proof of his behaviour. :-/

That being said, I have the paperwork in my hands to sigh a lease to move out….and as much as I know that one day I will be proud for making that choice, I’m having a bit of a panic attack of feeling of absolute guilt for what I’m doing to him, as he said I’m taking everything away from him that matters, destroying our family, etc……logically I know that’s not true and this choice I will be happy with, but emotionally right now I’m feeling this is overboard and too much…..he’s being so nice now, he’s a good dad, he’s taken care of us financially, I’ll make things even worse with this choice…..gah!!

Well I hate to feel bothersome just adding to my story here haha….at this point I am just so emotionally worn down based on things that happened over the last 2 days that I really don’t know where else to state my feelings about events at the moment….

My ideas that we could ‘civilly’ handle the crisis I laid out about ‘not being in love anymore’ have totally gone out the window. It’s been turned into events with everything from him yelling insults at me in front of the kids, with me and the kids crying at points (In which he said he was happy to see me cry because I just seem like an emotionless robot to him otherwise), to him crying and begging me not to leave and apologizing for the last few years over and over, back to him talking about how he’s done no wrong and he has many issues with how I’m being a ‘mother’…..and he doesn’t believe the things that hurt me were anything he needs to apologize for because they were ‘true’. For example “You’re not living up to your duties as a mother because I often come home to chaos and no supper on the table” , “You deciding to go to University part time totally went against what our original plan was with you staying at home and has made you neglect the kids” , “I better keep track of my own finances now because if we separate I’m going to be the one providing for the kids since you can’t” …it goes on….. and now today it’s back to “I want you to try harder to be affectionate to me so we can work this out” …. I feel like now I just Have to owe that to him whether or not I feel in love anymore is beside the point……I know it really hurt him to say I’m not in love anymore and as he stated many times “I did so much for you, and complimented you all the time, and supported your random interests, etc. and this is all I get back” but really…that’s now how I felt the last couple years….

Thank you for your great input! Lots of great, but simple wisdom for me to consider now. 🙂