Matt,

You have no idea how much your reply gratifies me in such an unmeasurable way. Not only did you accepted my post and let it flow through you but you also avoided judging me and treated me as an equal… I have so much to learn from myself and from all the good in the world.

Yes… Now with these words you typed to me I begin to understand what was happening to me with her. She did offered something that I desperately needed at the time. The comfort of having someone to listen to you genuinely but that was merely a temporal pleasure to my persona… I need to learn to let go of the thought of acceptance. I look for acceptance in so many levels and I’m unhappy most of the time because of it. I need to learn to let go.. She gave me that. She gave me full acceptance of who I was and when she was gone I crumbled and starved because she was no longer there….It’s all so clear now..

I have read your words since I woke up today and I have been repeating them to myself all day. That I need to forgive myself for doing this. That I am not a bad person but merely need a healthier source of food to my soul.

You are right, Matt. I am very critical of myself due to past life experiences and I have not been able to break that bad habit. But today… I woke up. Read your reply and was able to smile and push back all the bad. At first I thought that perhaps it would only work for a few hours but no….It has worked for the whole day. I have been easy on myself today. Patting myself in the back and telling myself that It’s okay…that I’m only human and It’s in human nature to make mistakes. I decided to retake something that I had long lost…My love for painting… And it was today when I was cleaning around the house that I forced myself to sit and make a painting of anything in my mind. What I ended up with was a beautiful painting of a woman lovingly hugging her son and by then I had fed my body of something that I needed for so long… Inspiration and the feeling that I could do anything ! Thank you for letting me see what I needed. I am not saying that I am cured. I know that there will be MANY days where it will be extremely hard to breathe but….for today… It was peaceful.

I did practice Metta today ! Thank you so much for sharing that ! I felt completely different after that. Almost as if the reality I was living yesterday melted away.

I still have the hardest test to overcome for the day. Late at night. Where I get anxious the most. The silence is deafening and the stress arises. I will try to practice Metta again by then. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and making me feel like a human not a stalker who lost it all.

UD.