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I'm A Wreck

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  • #41555
    Uncharted Dharma
    Participant

    I really need help. This is so hard to admit but I can’t get over this by myself. I just joined these forums in hope of not falling into the last steps of desperation and loose my mind. I really want this raging pain in my chest to be over with so I can be a happy person.

    About a month ago I got done with a relationship and it hurt so much…. It was a long distance relationship. I had not even met this person in real life yet I believed I was in love… I don’t really know if I ever was… but the problem comes when the relationship was over… I became a stalker and a downright emotional wreck. I am a stalker and just a cloud of emotions. I don’t even know why. I am trying so hard and crying so hard trying to understand why why why on earth I am so hung over this person I never even met! This person was never there in the first place. Why do I feel like a drug addict that is going through therapy and desperately needs his drug so he can feel better? I am so scared right now because today was a stressful day for me and like all stressful days end in me having an anxiety attack and going through the internet looking up this person’s email address in an attempt to localize them and beg for them to come back to me. Why am I doing this…. This is not me. I’ve never been this way! Why now….Why with a person I never met? I need some sort of advice on how to stay away from this person because I am literally stalking them and that is just downright wrong. How can I change? How can I just let the wounds heal and what kind of wounds are these? I’ve never felt this way and it feels completely wrong yet I still do it over and over again without control. What is happening to me and how can I find a way to redirect the need to look this e-mail address up ?

    #41558
    Matt
    Participant

    UD,

    I’m very sorry for the stress and anxiety you’re suffering with, and know how crazy life can be sometimes. I can understand why you consider yourself broken, because you see yourself doing actions which you know are unhealthy, and yet there you are doing them. Don’t despair, friend, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First I think you need to shift your perception of what is happening in your mind. The vision that I see is a person drowning, and desperately seeking air… or a starving person craving food. At some point, for some reason, while you were in a relationship with the girl she became a source of nourishment. Perhaps you were able to be open with her, or she offered you compassion and forgiveness… some thing you needed was given to you by her. As you took that in, it was so relieving, so invigorating, that your mind points to her as the source of that need being fulfilled.

    So now, when the need arises in you your mind begins to bounce and spin, because it can’t find release. It doesn’t know where else to find the needed thing, and so it pushes you to grab, manipulate, stalk, beg… anything possible to get air. Don’t beat yourself up, people do incredible things when they are starving, and you are a good person. If you weren’t, your actions wouldn’t bother you. But they do, and yet your hunger pushes you.

    So the goal here is to find a healthier food. She isn’t the only place to find that need, she isn’t even a good place to find it. Probably, and is only a guess, what might feed you is self nurturing. Said differently, if you have been as critical with yourself as you were in your post, then no wonder you desperately seek love and acceptance. Its OK, we all need that, and the healthy/lucky ones among us look inward first. Consider beginning to be kind to yourself, do things which feed and inspire your heart.

    Perhaps you could go for a walk in nature (barefoot would be even better!) Or, you could take a bath with candles, eat some dark chocolate, go give some hugs and loving affection toward your parents or other trusted family and friends, visit a museum, or whatever activities bring stability and happiness to your body. Show your body that it matters, that you are willing to be kind to it, to be gentle with it, to give it the attention and caring it needs.

    One thing I find to be very, very settling to an anxious mind is called metta. Consider starting a metta practice! Metta is loving kindness, and is an unconditional warmth we cab develop in our body for all living beings… including ourselves. Consider following along to this guided meditation… even once a day for a week will certainly produce a great relief:

    You are not lost or a stalker. There is simply an agitated mind looking for breath, looking for food, and your obsessive quality just shows how powerful and intrepid you are. As you move away from an unhealthy searching for the food you need (which is normal!) then all that potency becomes inner strength. Said differently, imagine how many walls a starving and unskillful Superman might bust down before he wakes up and finds a gentle way to find food. Namaste, friend, you’re closer than you think!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41568
    Deana Mentzel
    Participant

    Very good advice from Matt.

    UD: I found myself in a deep hole about 3 years ago after a series of unfortunate events. I was depressed, down, had the “poor me” syndrome and felt like life was not worth living. I started Reiki and Meditation and am a completely different person today. I will share with you what worked for me.

    You’re allowing your ego (mind) control who you are. You need to tell those thoughts that come into your head “no”, “not now”, “stop” or even “shut up” works. Take 3 deep cleansing breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth), to bring you back to the present moment. You have good intuition since you know that your recent stalker-like actions are not right. Listen to your intuition, not the thoughts that your mind is giving you. Self-work is not easy but so worth it in the end. Living in the now/present moment won’t allow for though-based living. Constantly telling the negative thoughts in your head to get out and quieting the mind will serve you well.

    Starting a gratitude journal on paper, in the memo on your phone or just stating them out loud is the best reminder of all the good things in your life. Count your blessings! By focusing on all the positives in your life…you will bring more good things to you. When we focus on the negatives, we get more bad things coming to us.

    I started saying the following mantras when I was going through tough times and still say them everyday.

    “I am a beautiful child of God and the universe”
    “I trust that things are unfolding in my life as they should”
    “Please bring people into my life that are for my highest and greatest good & please remove people from my life that are not”

    This last one can sometimes be a tough pill to swallow. People come into our lives for a reason. Some stay for a short while, some a season and some for a lifetime. We learn something from everyone we meet. Trusting that a relationship was suppose to end is not easy, but is all part of your path here.

    Hope this helps. 🙂

    #41578
    Uncharted Dharma
    Participant

    Matt,

    You have no idea how much your reply gratifies me in such an unmeasurable way. Not only did you accepted my post and let it flow through you but you also avoided judging me and treated me as an equal… I have so much to learn from myself and from all the good in the world.

    Yes… Now with these words you typed to me I begin to understand what was happening to me with her. She did offered something that I desperately needed at the time. The comfort of having someone to listen to you genuinely but that was merely a temporal pleasure to my persona… I need to learn to let go of the thought of acceptance. I look for acceptance in so many levels and I’m unhappy most of the time because of it. I need to learn to let go.. She gave me that. She gave me full acceptance of who I was and when she was gone I crumbled and starved because she was no longer there….It’s all so clear now..

    I have read your words since I woke up today and I have been repeating them to myself all day. That I need to forgive myself for doing this. That I am not a bad person but merely need a healthier source of food to my soul.

    You are right, Matt. I am very critical of myself due to past life experiences and I have not been able to break that bad habit. But today… I woke up. Read your reply and was able to smile and push back all the bad. At first I thought that perhaps it would only work for a few hours but no….It has worked for the whole day. I have been easy on myself today. Patting myself in the back and telling myself that It’s okay…that I’m only human and It’s in human nature to make mistakes. I decided to retake something that I had long lost…My love for painting… And it was today when I was cleaning around the house that I forced myself to sit and make a painting of anything in my mind. What I ended up with was a beautiful painting of a woman lovingly hugging her son and by then I had fed my body of something that I needed for so long… Inspiration and the feeling that I could do anything ! Thank you for letting me see what I needed. I am not saying that I am cured. I know that there will be MANY days where it will be extremely hard to breathe but….for today… It was peaceful.

    I did practice Metta today ! Thank you so much for sharing that ! I felt completely different after that. Almost as if the reality I was living yesterday melted away.

    I still have the hardest test to overcome for the day. Late at night. Where I get anxious the most. The silence is deafening and the stress arises. I will try to practice Metta again by then. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and making me feel like a human not a stalker who lost it all.

    UD.

    #41579
    Uncharted Dharma
    Participant

    Deana M,

    Thank you so much for your kind words ! I have been taking your advice through the day as well. Every time the thought of taking a small peek passed through my mind. I was firm with myself taking the time to breathe and repeating the mantras you have given me according to the situation. I need to trust myself more… build more confidence. I did not think I had the confidence to keep myself from doing all this bad by merely trying to tranquilize myself but I was able to do it just fine and I’ve had a pretty good day so far….The best I’ve had in weeks actually.

    Thank you Deana, I will keep counting my blessings and focusing on the positive face of life to try and change my perception on what I see. I know It’s going to be a long road ahead of me but I was to take the respective baby steps to get to my goals. I’d like to believe that the woman that was there and is no more was in my life to bring me greater strength and make a permanent change in my life. When I think it that way… It becomes a soothing blessing rather that a hopeless curse.

    UD

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