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Bianca

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  • #40109

    Bianca
    Participant

    Hi, Matt.

    I have, but I am not sure how to go about contacting counsellors right now.

    I managed to look at a few of Pia Mellody’s videos on YouTube, and so far she does seem pretty interesting – I will research her and her books when I feel a little more awake 🙂

    You’re right, it IS all about looking after ourselves, and loving ourselves. I much prefer spending time doing things such as those you have suggested, than perhaps going to clubs or things like that. I need to get into the routine of practising those things, that’s the only obstacle.

    #40088

    Bianca
    Participant

    I just want to be able to accept that she’s gone, and stop this hoping.

    I think, deep down, I don’t want her to return – but the fear part of me wants her to come back, now, now, now.

    I am so much happier when I am not involved with anyone, romantically.

    #40087

    Bianca
    Participant

    Thanks Rog – I appreciate your input. BPD was mentioned when I spoke about this on another forum – this woman apparently exhibited high BPD traits. Exactly what you have mentioned, Rog – the intense closeness, then the sudden distance and cold behaviour.

    As for the co-dependency thing, I do think this is me. I have chosen a lot of very similar relationships that don’t work out.

    I currently live alone and don’t really know many people – I am frightened of growing old alone and dying alone…. I think I tend to attach very quickly and very easily, in the hope that the person becomes my partner, and then I will have companionship. I have entered three potential relationships in the last two years, none of which last more than a month. I do think as well as my own issues, there is a pattern with the females I am choosing to date. They are often very emotionally or even physically unavailable. They are always met online, too.

    I lost my mother seven years ago – we were very close, and never spent a day apart. I was an only child, too so very spoilt with affection. When she died I felt lost, and I still feel a void in my life. All this chasing women behaviour only started after she died. It’s as if I am trying to fill that void with love from an external source, but it clearly isn’t working.

    I did and I still do like this woman, but I feel as if she has her own issues to be working on, too. I think it was wrong of her to sleep with me, when she knew the connection it would create for me. I felt it was wrong for her to have a go at me for not showing empathy toward her and her feelings, and berate me for it – she has shown NO empathy toward me, instead left me alone to deal with these feelings, going out to clubs and posting pictures on FB and everywhere else that I can see them. I told her I was crying the other day, and she dismissed me, yet when she told me that SHE was crying, I was expected to drop everything and feel sorry for her. We spent a month talking about very personal things, and now I don’t even know what she’s doing from one day to the next. I mean, it’s OK, she is not obligated to tell me anything or to be with me, but I would have at least appreciated a concrete answer, instead of vague comments such as “see if it makes it’s way back into your life” and “I don’t feel that way or am not ready right now”. Treating me as if I’m some sort of pest, when in fact it was a mutual thing, and she’s just dropped me, with no real explanation.

    OK, I’m rambling now, but yes – I really do appreciate all input I am getting. I only signed up to these forums today and I am already finding your replies very helpful.

    #40079

    Bianca
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I don’t know – I was fearful that she was going to leave/leaving. I am very serious about her, but she has left. I emailed her a message, apologising and talking to her. She replied with basically two sentences.

    I can understand what you are saying, here – but it isn’t as if I cheated on her, or displayed violence to her. She could have chosen to be reassuring instead of being so close to me, to suddenly switching as if she didn’t know me after something so intimate as sex. I have tried to earn her forgiveness, but as I have only know her a month, I don’t know what else to – I have now left her alone since our last exchange.

    My anger doesn’t manifest itself with violence or name-calling. I’m not saying I am right to display those emotions, but surely I can be forgiven?

    A lot of my friends tell me that I choose the wrong types of women – attention seekers, dramatic women, unavailable women – I think this is true. It’s just that she told me so many things – we even discussed marriage!! And then all of a sudden she was acting as if she didn’t know me. It hurt. I tried to understand, but she shut me out, and wouldn’t tell me what was going on.

    #40061

    Bianca
    Participant

    Lovely advice, Matt.

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