Thank you for your comforting words Kelli, I’ve been told trying to be overly optimistic about this isn’t healthy, but it’s the only way i know how to cope. If i allow myself in the sadness it becomes very addictive, and i don’t want to enter the dark realm of depression again. Especially while living alone there’s no one to pull me out and do things like ‘come on lets go for a walk’. Once i get there i don’t know if i can pull myself out. It’s very contradicting.

Yes Anita,  i think it traces back to my childhood, my dad left me when i was 10 months old, mom passed away at 19, the only family i have left is my grandma and shes not in the same country as me. This week ive been trying to ‘let go’ of the past, like my childhood and learn to forgive, i think this is the only way to heal myself.

Today has been very tough, my ex msged me to discuss matter that needed to be done (we rented an apartment together and we are ending the lease). i feel like i was doing so well, until he contacted me, hearing from him just give me hope, and i dont want that hope, coz the hope of getting together will delay my healing. Today is one of those days i feel really stuck.

Thank you for the reply Anita,

I isolated myself due to the nature of depression of not wanting to be around people, but in hindsight i think the diagnosis did play a part. I worked in the medical field so i was well equipped with the insight to these mental issues, i guess subconsciously i acted out to the symptoms – because that’s what i told i had.

Im currently in the midst of relocation so it’s hard to do everything myself, but im trying to keep a healthy mindset and encourage myself constantly. I also have plans of involving myself in more outdoor activities, getting a job, find new hobbies etc.

Problem is there are times i find myself having thoughts of him, though as much as i prepared myself mentally to move on and improving myself, i dont like that tiny bit of me hoping he’d come back.