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This topic contains 14 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week ago.

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  • #235661

    Zenity
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am a 27 year old female. I have been in a relationship with this wonderful guy for about a year now.  I love him but now I am facing a trouble situation in which I cannot tell anymore if my love for him is enough to get this relationship forward.

    I do come from a broken family, my father left the country  when I was 11, I guess I do have also some daddy issues. I grew up with my mom mostly. I do not speak to my dad for I cannot forgive him.

    My concern is, can you love someone and out of nowhere to ask yourself if this is real love or if you have fallen out of love? Have you ever been in this position? Can love dispensary suddenly?

    It is clear to me that i do not want to let go of him but this question has been making my life a hell.

    Please, is there anyone that could say something about this? I am feeling really anxious and has given me stomach pain and I feel i am going out of my mind.

    #235673

    mamaof2kids
    Participant

    Did something happen to make you question your feelings?

    #235675

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    I believe I know this concern that you expressed from very personal experience. It is fear that stops the love. Fear is the most powerful emotion there is and when it shows up, the loving feelings hide. Once you relax, the loving feelings will be back. Don’t be alarmed, it happens to everyone when anxiety (ongoing fear) goes up.

    Anger plays a part in it too.

    I am here for a while, feel free to post your thoughts and feelings and I will be glad to reply.

    anita

    #235677

    Zenity
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you so much for you care! I am a bit out of my mind because i don’t understand anymore if i love or not or it’s just a fear.

    This started after a ugly fight (my fault) when he questioned if i really treat this relationship serious or not. I started to ask myself what this supposed to mean. Of course, i have had realtionships before him but none so meaningfull.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Now i have to understand why and of what am i afraid so that when i think of him, i already feel fear. It feels like i have been tricked him and me. Also, i beliv that i might put some pressure on me to decide wbwh i want from this relationship. Is it possible that the very thought of serious relationship scares me? Is it something to do with my father? Also, why i feel the need now of extra space?</p>

    #235683

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    Our romantic relationships in adulthood have a whole lot to do  with our early life relationships with our parents. We were formed during those formative years of childhood, after all.

    Your father left you and your mother when you were 11, left the country. If he lived  with you at home before he left, then you were emotionally attached to him and when he left, he broke your little heart.

    And then, living with your mother, she probably talked to you about him leaving, telling you how much she was hurt because he left, so you felt that he betrayed your mother. Because you loved your mother so much, had so much empathy for her, his betraying her was the same as if he betrayed you.

    You might be afraid now of being left, or betrayed. What do you think?

    anita

    #235687

    Zenity
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The relationship between my parents was troubleling before he left. I felt more like a release that he did, because of what he put my mother through. My heart is broken now that i have realised  how important a father  is, having 2 parents in your life. Makes me question if this has altered the way i act with my partners. Like, the fear of commitment, or the incapability of being vulnerable and to love someone. What do you think? Can i love someone trully?

     

    #235693

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    Reads to me that because of your strong empathy for your mother, loving her so much, it felt as if he hurt you when he hurt her. You are afraid that your romantic partners will hurt you like your father hurt your mother. You are angry at your father and you are angry at the men in your life, aren’t you?

    anita

    #235695

    Zenity
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am disappointed of my father and sometimes when i rememberscenes of them fighting makes me feel a bit angry. As to the men in my life i think that i have treated some of them not really nice, don’t  know if its anger or because i didn’t consider them good enough. It is clear to me now that his absence has somehow affected the relationship  with the men in my life. Do you think that my fear has something to do with being commited to a man?

    #235699

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    Yes, I think you fear being committed to a man, fearing a man betraying you, disappointing you, not being worthy of your trust.

    Your relationships have to do not only with what your father did but with what your mother did,  with her fighting with your father in your earshot if not in your visual presence.

    It is what your mother told you about her experience with your father that affected you the most. Would you  like to  share what she told you over the years about your father/ about men, in as much detail as you can?

    * I will be away from the computer for an hour or so.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #235703

    Zenity
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My mother tried not to speak bad about him but i had eyes and my opinion was formed before she said anything. Once i grew older she was able to speak more about him and what she told me was nothing new. Unfortunately, it is mt father that is a selfish man that didn’t care much about me growing up. I just realised that i had the same problem with my ex partner but in that case it was easy to leave him because i did not have strong feelings. But now i have found someone special and i am afraid that i will end this relationship because of this unknown fear.

     

    #235691

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Hi Zanity,

    I can relate to your situation as it happened to me before my break up, and I regret it. My family background is very similar to yours. When I was with my ex there were times I did feel like I didn’t love him, until he broke up with me.

    I think it’s caused by an underlying insecurity you have when you’re too attached to someone, like a defence mechanism, when you’re in love you’re vulnerable to the other person, so you subconsciously block your feelings to prevent getting hurt.

    Try talk to him openly with your issues and make sure he understands. Work on the underlying problem (like childhood issues). He loves you and there’s nothing to be afraid of, you’re safe <3

    #235713

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    The man you are dating, he may be honest, responsible and trustworthy, but I don’t think you are able to see that he is these things, of if you see that he is, you don’t trust what you see. This is because you project your father into him. You see your father in him and you can’t separate the two.

    This causes confusion and fear, it is scary when we don’t know who it is we are involved with, especially when considering marrying that person we …. don’t really know.

    If you attend good therapy/ counseling, you will be able to sort of.. peel off the image of your father from this man and see him as he is. You will trust what you see and feel confident. No longer scared, the feelings of love for him will be back.

    Being scared is very uncomfortable, that is why, I believe, you need that extra space from him. Part of you wants to end this relationship so to no longer be as uncomfortable as you are. You want relief.

    Is therapy/ counseling available for you?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #235753

    Zenity
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right when it comes to trusting him, I think deep down that every man lies at some point.  I want to be happy with the man that i will one day marry and it is clear that I need counselling which i will attend next week.  And I did found some more info while speaking with you, the fact that I do project a father figure into him and the fact that I might be afraid of love 🙂

    And I also feel so much better today then yesterday, thanks to you guys who have helped me to understand that after all I am still a normal woman, I just need some help to understand me better.

    I will come back with feedback regarding this. 🙂 I already feel so much confidante and relaxed and the stomach pain is gone!!

    Thank you Anita, it is wonderful to have someone to talk to in this kind of situation.

     

    #235755

    Zenity
    Participant

    Dear vibrant_me,

    It is shocking to realise that your brain can do such things :)). I am sabotaging myself without knowing, if I don’t learn to love or to be loved I will end up alone. Women who grew up only child and with one parent are more likely to be unable to maintain long relationships.  Yesterday I was going out of my mind, today I feel much more confident  that I finally found the problem and I also have a solution, counselling .

    Did you went to a psychologist? Did it had any good results on you?

    Thank you for your support!
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    #235805

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenity:

    You are welcome. I am glad you felt better when you posted the above and hope you still do. But feelings change. Feel free to post anytime. I hope the counseling you attend next week will be good counseling, that is, I hope the counselor you see is capable, empathetic and hard working (not all counselors/ therapists are created equal!)

    anita

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