Dear Zenity:

I believe I know this concern that you expressed from very personal experience. It is fear that stops the love. Fear is the most powerful emotion there is and when it shows up, the loving feelings hide. Once you relax, the loving feelings will be back. Don’t be alarmed, it happens to everyone when anxiety (ongoing fear) goes up.

Anger plays a part in it too.

I am here for a while, feel free to post your thoughts and feelings and I will be glad to reply.

anita

Dear Zenity:

Our romantic relationships in adulthood have a whole lot to do  with our early life relationships with our parents. We were formed during those formative years of childhood, after all.

Your father left you and your mother when you were 11, left the country. If he lived  with you at home before he left, then you were emotionally attached to him and when he left, he broke your little heart.

And then, living with your mother, she probably talked to you about him leaving, telling you how much she was hurt because he left, so you felt that he betrayed your mother. Because you loved your mother so much, had so much empathy for her, his betraying her was the same as if he betrayed you.

You might be afraid now of being left, or betrayed. What do you think?

anita

Dear Zenity:

Reads to me that because of your strong empathy for your mother, loving her so much, it felt as if he hurt you when he hurt her. You are afraid that your romantic partners will hurt you like your father hurt your mother. You are angry at your father and you are angry at the men in your life, aren’t you?

anita

Dear Zenity:

Yes, I think you fear being committed to a man, fearing a man betraying you, disappointing you, not being worthy of your trust.

Your relationships have to do not only with what your father did but with what your mother did,  with her fighting with your father in your earshot if not in your visual presence.

It is what your mother told you about her experience with your father that affected you the most. Would you  like to  share what she told you over the years about your father/ about men, in as much detail as you can?

* I will be away from the computer for an hour or so.

anita

Hi Zanity,

I can relate to your situation as it happened to me before my break up, and I regret it. My family background is very similar to yours. When I was with my ex there were times I did feel like I didn’t love him, until he broke up with me.

I think it’s caused by an underlying insecurity you have when you’re too attached to someone, like a defence mechanism, when you’re in love you’re vulnerable to the other person, so you subconsciously block your feelings to prevent getting hurt.

Try talk to him openly with your issues and make sure he understands. Work on the underlying problem (like childhood issues). He loves you and there’s nothing to be afraid of, you’re safe <3

Dear Zenity:

You are welcome. I am glad you felt better when you posted the above and hope you still do. But feelings change. Feel free to post anytime. I hope the counseling you attend next week will be good counseling, that is, I hope the counselor you see is capable, empathetic and hard working (not all counselors/ therapists are created equal!)

anita