LOL, part of going through is anxiety and questioning. I don’t think a hot bath or a walk is going to resolve my feelings. They have been going on for days now, it’s not just right now.

Hi Anita. No, I am not angry at all. I’m very sad and confused, in fact. I’m wondering if I lost the best thing I ever had in my life.

I never thought about all this. I lost my loving feelings for my boyfriend, though, before the abuse started, before I got incredibly frustrated. It took a long time, many months, of wondering if I could spend my life with this man. We had a loving kind relationship up until then, actually. As far as sexually, no, lol, I am not aggressive sexually. I am actually more sensual than sexual, which was the problem, because he’s more sexual than sensual. Difficult match.

As far as other relationships with other men, I never was in a relationship like this one, so I’m not sure there’s a pattern. Most of the men I’ve been with have been strong-willed, and I was the one who was the needy one. This one was completely different.

I get the sense, you don’t wish to continue speaking with me, but I did have a a question. What did you mean by I have no insight of any significance into this relationship? Maybe if you could explain, I could give you more information that might help? Please, I would love to know and get more help. Thank you.

Hi, Anita. Thanks for all your input. I am actually talking to a therapist again, which I haven’t done for a while. I’ve talked a great deal with my friends about this, and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me, just that it wasn’t a good fit, for some reason, that I just don’t love him. If I loved him, I wouldn’t have acted the way I did, maybe. I don’t think there was any threat of like someone loving me too much. I think the issues I had were real issues that I just couldn’t get past, for whatever reason. I think I shut down myself, which I felt starting to happen way back, and we got back together the last time with the intention of me trying to get that feeling back, started therapy together, and it just never happened, because the first therapist we saw, I didn’t care for, and the second one, we only saw one time, and then she wanted to see me alone, but not see him alone (interesting), and then I just couldn’t do it any longer. The feeling wasn’t coming back, no matter how hard I tried. And I tried.

My friends saw him last night, and they talked to him, and no new revelations, really, except that he won’t talk to me right now or go back, and I think he’s right. I can’t do this to him again, and he won’t allow it, and I totally understand that. Neither do I want to do this to him again. It’s not fair to him, or to me. So yes, I have to figure out what’s going on with me, whatever that might be. I’ve been in many relationships, and I know the difference between when it’s right and when it’s not. It’s not like I run away from relationships. I don’t. Be that as it may, I am struggling with this. I know that the only way he would even consider coming back is if I said I’m ready to make a total commitment, move in here with me, but I cannot do that. That would be a huge mistake right now, and I know that. I was in a difficult relationship with someone in the past, and when we got back together, it was with the intention of him moving in here, and I was overjoyed at the possibility, but I am not with this man. Or I would have done it before. I am not afraid of love.

Thank you for your insightfulness. Believe me, I feel terrible about the way I treated him. When we broke up the other night, I told him that I couldn’t stand the person I had become, and that I couldn’t do this to him anymore. It happened time and time again. I believe it was as a result of the frustrations (there’s that word again!) about not getting my needs met, which you asked what they might be. They weren’t unrealistic, to me, and he is far from clueless and has a lot of empathy. He’s a beautiful and wonderful person, which made this all the more difficult. He’s not in a good place in his life career-wise or financially, and has actually never been. I am not a gold-digger, am completely self-sufficient, and like it that way, but I want someone that can be somewhat equal with me in that realm to move forward into our older years, and that wasn’t going to be the case. Also, our sexual appetites and sexual characters were different, and it just didn’t feel like it meshed, and that’s a very important thing for me. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t earth shattering either. Yes, he was crystal clear about what I wanted and needed, and tried to change it, but by the time that happened, I had already begun to shut down and didn’t know who to get back the feeling of desire. It was gone, pretty much. Which is a big reason why I couldn’t go on anymore with this man. It’s very sad for me, because of who he is and how much he loved me. I’ve never had anyone love me like that my entire life, and can’t imagine that I ever will again, so I am mourning a huge loss. But at the same time, it got to the point that I didn’t want to see him, and even when I did, I was not happy to be around him. He would have gone on like this forever, and I just couldn’t anymore.

I am a loving person, and always have been. As I said, this abusive side of me is new. My daughter said to me last night, mom, I’ve never seen you like that with anyone else. And she adores my exboyfriend, but understands the issues I had with him. At this point, he is so angry, feeling like the breakup came out of left field, yet again, when the writing was on the wall, as it was the last time. He told me that if it happened again, it would be the last time, and he really has shut down. And he has. And through it all, he says I love you madly. It’s very tragic.

I agree with you that I need to apologize to him for the way I treated him. I mean, I have in the past, many times, and I did again the last time we talked a bit yesterday, although he really doesn’t want to talk to me right now, and I am going to respect that, difficult as it is. We both need some time with no contact and to heal, and it’s very hard for me. It sounds crazy, since I’m the one that wanted the relationship to end, not him.

I think a lot of what you wrote is very helpful. How do I learn from this at this point? What do I do now? I feel so lost, and now I’m crying again.

Hi. I appreciate your writing back. You might have a point, but I don’t feel like I was angry. I was frustrated, more than angry. We had a very lovely relationship in the beginning, and both voiced our needs, desires, and fears. Over time, I realized I was not getting what I needed, and I started to shut down. The first two times we got back together, I was still in love, but it slowly dissipated. I don’t know why. I think there’s a lot of respect that has diminished due to him putting up with the way I was treating him. And please know that I am not like this. My daughter even said, mom, I’ve never seen you like this with anyone. Fear? I definitely have fear. I have fear that I possibly lost the best thing I ever had. I have fear that I will never meet someone else as wonderful again. I also have fear that if I were to go back — which is very unlikely to happen at this point, even though I’m struggling — I have fear of being stuck in a dull, loveless relationship, because that’s what it became. I feel like I need to look at what do I get out of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t right for me, in whatever way.