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Arlene

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • in reply to: We broke up four times! #108610
    Arlene
    Participant

    LOL, part of going through is anxiety and questioning. I don’t think a hot bath or a walk is going to resolve my feelings. They have been going on for days now, it’s not just right now.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #108605
    Arlene
    Participant

    I’m not sure I was angry with him, as much as I was frustrated. And what do I do now?? I can examine the thought process regarding my parents, but it doesn’t seem like the analogy is what is happening with me. Any other thoughts? Should I call him? Should I try to sit with my decision, the fifth time, and realize this is never going to work? Is it me? Are we just not compatible? I’m feeling so anxious over this whole thing and doubting myself.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #108601
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi Anita. No, I am not angry at all. I’m very sad and confused, in fact. I’m wondering if I lost the best thing I ever had in my life.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #108598
    Arlene
    Participant

    So cannot believe I am back here — after breaking up in November, and me believing that my priorities were wrong, and boyfriend agreeing to try once more, here we are again, broken up. We have struggled with the same issues that I’ve always had with him, and after breaking up five times now in three years, WHY am I wondering if I made a mistake?? I had a wonderful man, loyal and totally devoted to me, patient. And now I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone again. I feel awful, guilty, and sad. I know I can’t go back. I don’t even know if he would even talk to me at this point, and I wouldn’t blame him. And here I sit, sad and questioning myself.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88153
    Arlene
    Participant

    I never thought about all this. I lost my loving feelings for my boyfriend, though, before the abuse started, before I got incredibly frustrated. It took a long time, many months, of wondering if I could spend my life with this man. We had a loving kind relationship up until then, actually. As far as sexually, no, lol, I am not aggressive sexually. I am actually more sensual than sexual, which was the problem, because he’s more sexual than sensual. Difficult match.

    As far as other relationships with other men, I never was in a relationship like this one, so I’m not sure there’s a pattern. Most of the men I’ve been with have been strong-willed, and I was the one who was the needy one. This one was completely different.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88150
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thank you! Both of my parents are deceased, actually. My father was manic-depressive, so I had a volatile family life. He was not very nice to my mother, very verbally abusive (and I married a verbally abusive man, no surprise). My mother was a sweet woman, but I had a lot of anger and resentfulness that he put up with my father treating her the way he did. I guess I thought she was weak. I was not a very nice kid, kind of a brat. My father, when I was younger, wasn’t sick, and I wanted to always be with him, until he got sick, and then I hated him and wished my mother would leave him. She never did.

    But beyond that, you were looking for some insights into my relationship. What would you want to know?

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88142
    Arlene
    Participant

    I get the sense, you don’t wish to continue speaking with me, but I did have a a question. What did you mean by I have no insight of any significance into this relationship? Maybe if you could explain, I could give you more information that might help? Please, I would love to know and get more help. Thank you.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88093
    Arlene
    Participant

    Also wanted to mention, I do not usually break up with men. I wait until they break up with me. It’s a very hard thing for me to do. Yet, I broke up with this man four times. So something is not right, somewhere, even though on paper, we’re a perfect match.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88092
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi, Anita. Thanks for all your input. I am actually talking to a therapist again, which I haven’t done for a while. I’ve talked a great deal with my friends about this, and no one thinks there’s anything wrong with me, just that it wasn’t a good fit, for some reason, that I just don’t love him. If I loved him, I wouldn’t have acted the way I did, maybe. I don’t think there was any threat of like someone loving me too much. I think the issues I had were real issues that I just couldn’t get past, for whatever reason. I think I shut down myself, which I felt starting to happen way back, and we got back together the last time with the intention of me trying to get that feeling back, started therapy together, and it just never happened, because the first therapist we saw, I didn’t care for, and the second one, we only saw one time, and then she wanted to see me alone, but not see him alone (interesting), and then I just couldn’t do it any longer. The feeling wasn’t coming back, no matter how hard I tried. And I tried.

    My friends saw him last night, and they talked to him, and no new revelations, really, except that he won’t talk to me right now or go back, and I think he’s right. I can’t do this to him again, and he won’t allow it, and I totally understand that. Neither do I want to do this to him again. It’s not fair to him, or to me. So yes, I have to figure out what’s going on with me, whatever that might be. I’ve been in many relationships, and I know the difference between when it’s right and when it’s not. It’s not like I run away from relationships. I don’t. Be that as it may, I am struggling with this. I know that the only way he would even consider coming back is if I said I’m ready to make a total commitment, move in here with me, but I cannot do that. That would be a huge mistake right now, and I know that. I was in a difficult relationship with someone in the past, and when we got back together, it was with the intention of him moving in here, and I was overjoyed at the possibility, but I am not with this man. Or I would have done it before. I am not afraid of love.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88066
    Arlene
    Participant

    I just have to say, I’m not sure you understand about the abusive thing. It sounds like you think I was beating him or saying horrible insults to him. It wasn’t quite that severe, lol. It was more nit-picky stuff. Like I didn’t like the way his hair looked, or his underwear wasn’t sexy enough, or if he was eating too much I would worry about him getting fat and talk about that. He was very forgetful, so that drove me crazy, and I would tell him. It was more that kind of thing. Abusive, yes, but not the kind of abuse I think you thought it was. And it turned into me being that way because I was frustrated and felt stuck in a situation with someone that I did love, and didn’t know if I could continue on. We run in the same circles here in Boston in the music scene, have a lot of the same friends, which makes this all the more difficult for the future. I keep asking myself, why wasn’t it enough for me? Why couldn’t I love him the way he loves me? Like what’s wrong with me?

    As for “something is better than nothing,” I’m not sure that’s true. If it was true, I would have stayed with him, instead of sitting here, knowing he’s out tonight someplace listening to music, and all my friends are there, I was supposed to be there, but for obvious reasons, I’m not. It hurts, and I feel shitty. What hurts the most is that he has shut down. When I talked to him yesterday, I felt like I was talking to an alien. Never has he not wanted to talk to me. Never has he been cold as ice to me. I’m tortured by all of this, and know that I can’t call him, because he doesn’t want to talk to me. And it’s all my fault.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88061
    Arlene
    Participant

    Thank you for your insightfulness. Believe me, I feel terrible about the way I treated him. When we broke up the other night, I told him that I couldn’t stand the person I had become, and that I couldn’t do this to him anymore. It happened time and time again. I believe it was as a result of the frustrations (there’s that word again!) about not getting my needs met, which you asked what they might be. They weren’t unrealistic, to me, and he is far from clueless and has a lot of empathy. He’s a beautiful and wonderful person, which made this all the more difficult. He’s not in a good place in his life career-wise or financially, and has actually never been. I am not a gold-digger, am completely self-sufficient, and like it that way, but I want someone that can be somewhat equal with me in that realm to move forward into our older years, and that wasn’t going to be the case. Also, our sexual appetites and sexual characters were different, and it just didn’t feel like it meshed, and that’s a very important thing for me. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t earth shattering either. Yes, he was crystal clear about what I wanted and needed, and tried to change it, but by the time that happened, I had already begun to shut down and didn’t know who to get back the feeling of desire. It was gone, pretty much. Which is a big reason why I couldn’t go on anymore with this man. It’s very sad for me, because of who he is and how much he loved me. I’ve never had anyone love me like that my entire life, and can’t imagine that I ever will again, so I am mourning a huge loss. But at the same time, it got to the point that I didn’t want to see him, and even when I did, I was not happy to be around him. He would have gone on like this forever, and I just couldn’t anymore.

    I am a loving person, and always have been. As I said, this abusive side of me is new. My daughter said to me last night, mom, I’ve never seen you like that with anyone else. And she adores my exboyfriend, but understands the issues I had with him. At this point, he is so angry, feeling like the breakup came out of left field, yet again, when the writing was on the wall, as it was the last time. He told me that if it happened again, it would be the last time, and he really has shut down. And he has. And through it all, he says I love you madly. It’s very tragic.

    I agree with you that I need to apologize to him for the way I treated him. I mean, I have in the past, many times, and I did again the last time we talked a bit yesterday, although he really doesn’t want to talk to me right now, and I am going to respect that, difficult as it is. We both need some time with no contact and to heal, and it’s very hard for me. It sounds crazy, since I’m the one that wanted the relationship to end, not him.

    I think a lot of what you wrote is very helpful. How do I learn from this at this point? What do I do now? I feel so lost, and now I’m crying again.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88055
    Arlene
    Participant

    Glad to elaborate. So I lost a lot of respect for him because he allowed me to abuse him and didn’t stand up for himself. It wasn’t a test he had to pass. It just happened over time. I think I treated him badly because yes, my needs weren’t being met. I think I fell out of love with him, and was just unhappy and afraid to end it, so I think it manifested itself in me being nit-picky about trivial stuff.
    I also see your thoughts on the contradiction. A dull, loveless relationship does not equal the best thing I ever had, but I wonder if I pulled away from him, when it was wonderful in the beginning, which helped create the dull, loveless relationship.

    To me, angry is aggressive behavior. Frustrated is more throwing up your hands.

    I mean, what are you thinking about me, that I’m a horrible person? I’m feeling very badly tonight about this whole relationship ending, sick over it, and second-guessing myself yet again. Not that it makes any difference, because he’s done with the whole thing, as he well should be. Four times breaking up is too much.

    in reply to: We broke up four times! #88044
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi. I appreciate your writing back. You might have a point, but I don’t feel like I was angry. I was frustrated, more than angry. We had a very lovely relationship in the beginning, and both voiced our needs, desires, and fears. Over time, I realized I was not getting what I needed, and I started to shut down. The first two times we got back together, I was still in love, but it slowly dissipated. I don’t know why. I think there’s a lot of respect that has diminished due to him putting up with the way I was treating him. And please know that I am not like this. My daughter even said, mom, I’ve never seen you like this with anyone. Fear? I definitely have fear. I have fear that I possibly lost the best thing I ever had. I have fear that I will never meet someone else as wonderful again. I also have fear that if I were to go back — which is very unlikely to happen at this point, even though I’m struggling — I have fear of being stuck in a dull, loveless relationship, because that’s what it became. I feel like I need to look at what do I get out of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t right for me, in whatever way.

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