i find human behaviour repulsive and thus, interesting like a scientist dissecting an ant.

Here is probably what surprises people. I am normal looking, i am even pretty, i have a normal body..perhaps a more expressive face but nothing weird, just better looking perhaps? i dont know, because its not like i feel that way myself. Women are usually often awkward with me and very aggressive or dismissive..i am used to it. Men are usually aggressive and/or abusive, perverse. all my life i have attracted this kind of attention in men, women and people who want to compete i guess, in this case people who wanted to humiliate. Its whenever i am on my own. I am not a confident person, i get a lot of abuse. its sad..i would just like normal behaviour because i personally dont feel competitive but my looks make people strange and yet i am not model beautiful.

This family were doing their shopping but clearly needed some extra stimulation. I dont know why they picked me but they did and seemed to want me to react. To me that is psychotic, from a whole family, that is a system of abuse they expect from each other. Luckily i didnt react as i felt defensive and aggressive, i felt fairly threatened as they were so persistent. And now i just feel sorry for them. There was an elderly man who seemed to be their friend and joined in, i felt ashamed…for him. I hope that karma deals with them..it usually does. But it was ME who had to go home in tears and feel so awful..im sure they didnt think of it again.

Because i dont have the trappings of modern family, because i dont have a husband and children..i get treated pretty badly by others. I dont fit in and i guess that makes people uncomfortable. I have a work lunch to go to and everyone is bringing their 2 kids….i may be the only one without children so i am already expecting to field unwanted questions.

Hi Anita, i guess i am just a “stupid woman” who complains about her position.

When couple come to see me in my office, more often than not i get some innappropriate questions about my age, what i am doing, where i am from…that have nothing to do with business..just pure nosyness on their part and voyerism from comfortable couples who then tell me all about what they have. I dont know why, but purely my face gives them the permission to say these things. My male colleagues are treated with much more deference, if not asked whether they are the owner of the business? I dont know why i cant tell them to mind their own business. Its very upsetting because of course they want me to feel uncomfortable, they want to make themselves feel better than me and as a result they want me to feel small so they get a little kick on their holiday. But i guess you are right, many couples live their whole lives together unhappy and unheard.

In terms of illness i have suffered of course from the huge emotional stress i suffered from breaking up, being financially very badly off, and trying to deal with selling my property in a foreign language and culture. the breakup sat so heavily on my mind i couldnt think of anything else, all i could do was watch starsigns for help, it may seem stupid but i had some mental relief from that. I dont really go out, theres no money to go crazy with and no one without kids like me. I twisted my ankle very badly recently, it has still not healed and is all swollen still..i know i need surgery for a deviated septum that the doctor told me had closed one side of my nose so i cant breathe properly, i cant wear contacts anymore for no real reason and i have problems with glasses so am considering eye surgery. I have a lump in my mouth i need to go have checked out…yep, thats enough stuff to be dealing with.

Hi Anita and team, so much help as always thank you i had a dark moment. Anita i really see what you mean and it makes so much sense. Interestingly, my ex in the meantime has contacted me to say that the new woman he got it on with has moved out already because she missed her life (thats 6 months!) and did i want to meet up with him for coffee? I translate that as..they had a big fight and she had a naive view of what would happen OR she just used him.. I guess i could feel some victory with this? Well yes. i freaking do. I was right about everything, did i make plans to meet him now? no.  I thought it over a few days for myself and replied that it seemed she was not the clairvoyant she claimed to be. I have to say, that feels good dammit. They made me suffer so much…i can see that both of them were users.

You know, i dont believe anymore that guys can be fair..and kind. There is always some kind of damage done to the women involved…i guess that is why so many women are now single. My ability to be innocent and open is completely gone.

Thank you Lost_Star for your post with your compassion and empathy i feel very grateful there is this space. I will try to find the book. Its interesting your last post, the idea of giving room to all the emotions. I think in my case that there has been little room for joy. And a fear of having it…in case it goes away. which is a self perpetuating cycle. For example, winning some game or prize and thinking you didnt deserve it instead of indulging in self congratulation. This has been for such a long long time that i dont know if i can escape it. There is so much room for misery however..i already know im really good at that. Maybe its because i believe in it more.

Hi Anita, I’m sorry i had a bad day on the eclipse and read your post wrong…i honestly believe i am affected by things in the atmosphere, a full moon etc. I was really hit hard with emotions of missing my boyfriend that i felt physical pain worse than i had before and that led to despair at my future and the rest of the negative feelings.

Rationally speaking, i know this is because i opened a dialogue with my ex again. I hurt myself because i was tired of wondering about him. It has been obsessive thinking, hitting me again and again. I emailed him probably on the monday before and it took him 5 days to reply, so i left it 2 days and replied on the day of the eclipse (which apparently you should avoid). I kept my reply to the point of returning his things, no other information..and that hurt because i wanted to say more. Then i promptly twisted my ankle badly…so if that was karma, i was punished straight away.

Hi Anita,

You are right about me being invisible. My parents cant wait for me to finish a story before they are telling me theirs. Friends take me for granted when i initially show i am easygoing. I know i give myself a harder time than anyone ever could but i guess i am not especially cherished. My ex urged me to do more for others, for charity. I felt drained from helping him. I would get to his house and he would say “before you sit down can you ABC and D”. I was a secretary, assistant in sales, marketing and purchasing, cleaner, not so much a cook (much criticised) and caretaker for him. In return, i obviously “needed to work on myself and spirituality”.

I know that he probably regrets his actions…in the heat of anger and his desire to chase after another woman (and thus, quickly get rid of me), i feel that now the passion is over..and the daily grind is present, he is probably starting with the doubts.

I recently decided to email him, to give him some stuff i was getting rid of. And he continues to blame me for his actions. He said the word BETRAYAL. Which i thought was very apt as that is exactly how i rightfully feel! At the same time, starsigns i have read are saying there is another person in denial about their actions, unable to confess and that they will miss an opportunity in love..this is very true. I cant fight this anymore, Its probably why he always had such trouble sleeping.

My friend that supported me through the first months of the breakup and basically got me out of the house, listened to my story..had admitted her own pain of still being in love with a guy that broke her heart about 4 years ago with a similar horrible betrayal, …she concentrates all her attention and love on her children and on getting by so she has something to focus on but suffers because she dreams of being with him and her pride wont let her tell him that because of the action he made….it seems like a curse.

This is the person i fell out with because although she helped me personally, at work she was becoming unbearably bossy and demanding. I felt we had enough friendship that i could tell her enough was enough when once again she overstepped and knew it..but in return she froze me out of her life. Once again, i lost someone close to me!!! in the space of 3 months. BETRAYAL

I know in all this talk, i was hoping i could somehow find a way out of this pain…it seems any actions i take just go wrong so i stopped trying. I dont have much of a life. But in painful irony my starsigns say i am meeting the love of my life this month, getting married, that its possibly an ex, that i have come into my own awareness etc. I seem to be endlessly fascinated to hear more and more. Im not interested in anything else.

There is nothing to enjoy. I miss being with my ex so much and i dont have the opportunity to meet the right people for me. I dont understand why i have had such a hard time, that all the times i have tried have not worked out. I see how it goes for others…within months they are dating again, meeting new people…fate has made sure there was no one around for me to meet, that i had no money to do anything. everything i tried was a brick wall. For months and months i looked for a dog to adopt so i could have company but eventually gave up looking when none of them were ok for an apartment. I tried starting tennis but it was too expensive, i looked at gyms and it was the same. I looked for groups i could join, there were none in the hours i had free. I went out a couple of times with my friend to bars..it was so horrible to be there again, i hated it…and being older i felt out of place. I have TRIED.

Now i am selling my apartment and moving out (also in the starsigns). i dont know what my future will be..i have no one, i am getting rid of a lot of things…i just want emptiness to match how i feel. When i met my ex i was renting, i only had boxes as side tables and he said it was pathetic. I finally finally got my first apartment..i moved in and he broke up with me, i felt like he was jealous i had done so well. i have really. its the only thing in my life that went well and i have to leave it…so it will again be just pain for me and leaving. Maybe i have to accept that i live in pain as a Scorpio? we are always told we are too deep, too intense. But i get attached and it hurts to let go.

Hi Anita, the truth i meant from my ex…i really really need him to own up to what he did to me. Its very important. To clear both of our lives.

I read something about karma yesterday that completely agreed with this. If he can´t forgive me, if i can´t forgive him…then we are locked in this situation forever..we will stay like that forever and never really be released from each other. If he loves her, then surely he doesnt want to have this pain hanging over him?? surely he wants to make good with someone he hurt so badly? So that in return, he can live freely and happily with the one he loves.

And if they really are about LOVE in the purest sense..they wouldnt want me to suffer? or am i being too naive? Am i too stupid about kindness and happiness being about something more than money and a roof over your head? because i know that i can believe it, but i cant make others believe it too.

No matter though Anita, i am suffering more than ever because i know that i love him and want him to be happy. That suffering will never go, knowing that i care and that he doesnt..despite me reaching out he just has hate. That is keeping us ALL in limbo.

Hi Anita,

I feel like i am too messed up to get over everything. I start to write one thing and end up wiping it and writing something else. We are told to follow our heart..my heart desperately wants my ex to accept and love me as an equal..thats impossible. But my mind just isnt able to get over it. My parents invited me out..i didnt really want to go but felt it would be the right thing to do..i got blindsided again. I feel that my mother doesnt realise what she does. I think she doesnt seem to see the sensitivity in the things she says…because its not happening to her. Thats the only way i can explain it. But i felt like i had been stabbed in the heart again.

I guess that on a core level, we all know our own mind very well. Even if we try to trick ourselves and others into believing everything is fine or that we like certain things, we know what makes us truly happy. But very few people are able to pursue it without restraints. Thats how i feel.

I think i am mostly limited by my personality which by nature is reserved, quiet, embarrassed easily, high anxiety. I often attract bad behaviour from people, clients who are demanding or angry, friends and boyfriends who are bullying or abusive, strangers who are jealous and competitive. I can say that i see that now because i have reached an age to be able to look back and see the patterns. I cant relate to people who want to hurt or punish others but it seems that life favors them.

I still have no idea why people react to me so strongly. I am very sensitive. I loved my boyfriend because he was the opposite and was able to take me out of myself…which i think i need to stay grounded instead of wallowing in the depths of my mind. When he said things to me that were critical..i could see his point of view but like my mom, he didnt handle it too well in return. I have the tendency to drag others down when i am in low energy…when i need a lot of space and they dont understand ..they then feel rejected..its a vicious cycle and leaves me hating myself instead of thinking that they need to adapt.

I hate not knowing what the truth is. My ex lied to me and was developing a new relationship with someone else who was also manipulative as she clearly knew what she was doing to split us up and clearly gave him an ultimatum. The two of them may be better suited but the circumstances are nasty. I have been left out in the cold and have no idea about his life anymore, we dont share any friends. So the only thing i have is starsigns and i watch them obsessively to try and find answers…they give me false hope, then drop me, then pick me up again. Its like an addiction i have developed without anything or anyone else to distract me. I seem to be endlessly able to obsess and i wish i could forget.

At the moment i dont see much future for myself. I have managed to pull myself out of financial danger..which was a burden on top of the break up. But as for social life i have not got any bright ideas. Instead of panicking too much i have just chosen to accept the solitude being grateful i am not worse off. I know if i compare my life to some women they would be horrified at how little i have gotten out of life but i am just grateful i am ok..im still very scarred by my experiences, for instance this morning i woke up from a nightmare and found it was reality. So right now i just hope i can find somewhere to live where i will be able to get a dog, at least to have some company.

Hi Dawn, Thank you so much for your kind words..ive been struggling for a really long time..Anita can attest to that :/..its been really tough for me. I can only be thankful for this to be able to talk about it. I dont want to be a victim but i fell into that very very familiar female trap of being too patient, too nice and devoted. I had my precious time wasted by a callous man who has all the time in the world.

Its tough to explain to people who have kids, that being without is probably harder. I am effectively excluded from life. There are some women who will not talk to me because they dont think they should bother, there are some who think i am not a serious adult because i havent had kids…some of them behave more childish than their teenagers! there are some who feel embarrassed to invite me to things because they are bringing their kids..and its kind of true, we are in different tribes. There are the people who dismiss my authority about any subject by asking if i have children, as if..if i hadnt, i have lived half a life….would they guess i CAN have kids? because if you said that to someone who couldnt it would seem pretty mean spirited right?…Its a club, and all those inside are allowed to moan about how their kids test them and make life difficult, and yet have wonderful moments where their kids cheer them up..brighten up their day, their ego is elevated by the achievements and compliments the kids get, they feel a real purpose to their life no matter what happens, and of course ultimately its being part of a family unit…i dont have that.

I dont think i would make an unhappy person if i wasnt constantly trampled on. I was devoted to my boyfriend and always happy to be around him and i would probably have been devoted to my kids.  Its just my bad fortune that has sent me this way..in fact, i hear my ex is the one who is unhappy again but thats another personality issue. You can’t fill a void in your heart by constantly looking for new women when the one you are with doesnt do everything you want.

Anita, i think you could be right in that people make a guess that i must be angry and dont want to talk to them. I suppose it could also have a lot to do with my misfortune, who wants to hang out with a loser when life is tough enough? I try to be friendly but if you dont have a big bubbly personality and popularity you can forget it. I guess the only good thing about getting older is that you start to care less. The pain and sadness is something i can deal with on my own, the last thing i would do is use other people to avoid my issues, that is what my ex does.