Hi anita, .Im just so tired of myself.

I once again texted my ex today. I cant stop so now im not going to fight anymore although i know its wrong..it hurts, i have to tell him, even if he finds it annoying that i bombard him with texts, he did this to me, thats life. His way of dealing with things is shutting down, cutting off…looking elsewhere for comfort. Pretending it all didnt happen but then i know he sits sometimes thinking it over on his own. There is no communication with him like this and therefore nothing moves forward. And yet…i cant shake that i love him. i just cant. I hate it.

My friends who i have told have expressed some concern that his gf has said to me that she is a witch.  One asked me if she threatened me but it was more like childish bravado. I thought how strange it was she was saying i was too young,. and there she was bragging that she was a witch! They think that she can do some voodoo thing to harm me. Ive never believed in that, .. I think men are led by very few things…sex, comfort, the easy lay, excitement..thats about it. If thats voodoo then it wears off in 6 months when the mundane life starts to bite.  But i did notice a creepy profile that showed up on a dating site i was trying to throw myself on..i have left it now because i dont like the idea of people watching me, it was clearly a fake profile..based in the same location as my ex. with no picture. but i know it could be anybody who vaguely knows us..the internet is a horrible place sometimes.

i have been made unhappy by reading starsigns..some part of it helps me, encouraging to move forward, then when im weak i read his and a few said: seriously considering finally getting married and settling down and its going to be permanent. There is nothing that terrifies me more. I just cant believe that all the worst things are happening..coming true.

I honestly believe now that this woman made damn sure she moved in as quick as possible to get a handle on him..so he wouldnt come back to me so easily. I am about 100% sure he would have been talking about our problems, her counselling him and saying it was for the best that we broke up, that i was too young for him. She put a wedge between us to secure her position, even leaving her child behind with her ex so she could pursue him.

No, there is nothing else i can do. I am trapped in this situation. Waiting to sell my apartment, but its not happening, trying to arrange appointments that wont work, do sports i cant do or things i cant afford. Everything else in my life is constricted and just not moving forward and i cant help but feel..this is because i am holding it all in..im waiting… Im really trapped.

I am learning now..its moments, maybe hours and days spent in the agony of my mind..then there is exhaustion and i have a day of just numb bliss..where i even feel happy enough that i will get through..then it hits again harder. Its like standing in surf. And i just want it to destroy me, i have no resistance to cruel words…i feel i have a heart that doesnt know how to be closed at all…the arrows fly and i just stand there. I have no idea how to protect myself, it doesnt come naturally. Maybe i will just fall eventually and that will be it. But other times i feel i am stronger than ever because of it. My starsign the phoenix rising from the ashes…you have to see that it does ring true sometimes..

Hi Anita,

I know i cant stop obsessing over things but in this case it simply feels like….something has been wrenched out of my hands..my dream of a future, a woman came and placed herself physically in between me and my ex, because she knew if she moved in quickly that should work. And my ex, well..instead of communicating his unhappiness with me he just looked elsewhere and was easily led by fun because that is his motivation.  I feel like i failed because i wasnt smart, i didnt pay attention, i didnt do the right things, i wasnt good enough. It was ME who had to be stronger.

The starsigns have been rather accurate…in the positive sense, they have saying i have to let go and move on. that i have suffered too much. Its all very rational.

I know im not the only one, people i know have had similar experiences and worse, men they loved who let them down. I feel resigned to that fact for my future. I guess my ex decided he didnt cheat on me because we had broken up already.. he had met her, but then wanted to start something with me again and was very frugal with the truth, leading me along so i had hope. When it came down to choosing between us, he chose her…surely that is me losing in life. I just get run over by everyone, its like i am holding the door open for everyone else to be happy.

Hi Anita, I am finding it difficult to write answers easily..what i think seems to change all the time. I feel i dont know what i think and then its clear. And it is still very much a rocky road.. i wonder when it will ever end for me, things have been so difficult lately. I have a work situation where i have done my best, i got results from my end but it feels like it will fall through. This happened to me before in a spectacular way..so im scared…its almost like the stars just dont want to let me have any success in life.

Yes my mom was a jealous person and wanted to be in control of everyone. I dont think they said we were luckier, it was implied of course. My parents bought things for us in a seemingly generous way but there were conditions..those things never felt like mine but i suffered guilt of being so lucky as others thought i was. My sister got out and away as often as possible and would have big fights with my mom if not, she now lives at a very safe distance and left me with the hard work! If there are issues she shuts down and disappears, i have always been opposite and faced things head on, needing answers but to my own detriment. I remember very well, as a young teenager sitting for hours talking with my mom about her problems,  how she hated where she was etc.and me trying to council her as though i could do it. It was so draining, she is very judgemental and negative.

In any case now im older i see some unpleasantness about how she would interact. She supposedly wanted us to do well but when we did we were torn down, there must be a problem somewhere. She would act jealously. I see now, how messed up that is..

I generally feel let down by both my ex and my mom, as i see them as similar people who act selfishly. Their own behaviour ends up hurting themselves…they dont see that at all, they have no vision of the bigger picture and how it will affect people. its almost like they are compelled to make the mean comment, do the mean thing..but they do regret it later.

Last night i was thinking of how confidently his new gf said i was too young for him. I was watching a film called 20th Century Women which contradicts the premise of age.with a familiar line, “age is a bourgeois construct”.  There may have been 11 years between me and my ex but he was the younger one in the most sense. To say i was too young for him is to be blind and determined to change him. He is really in every way, a young man…except in looks. I remember him getting his skateboard and going down the road a couple of years ago..he only realised he shouldnt do it because he fell off. He surfs and hangs out with younger guys..this is also his life spirit and what makes him happy. I cant believe that he would now want the opposite. he told me many times that he didnt like women his own age because of their mindset.

if we were constrained by our concept of age then nothing amazing would happen. And France would probably not have a new president.

Hi Anita, thank you again for your help, again you give me some good and rational points. I sat and cried reading it. I just cant seem to come to that conclusion by myself. Ive rewritten this many times..my emotions have gone through everything, these days i can only expect more of the same. i cant get a handle on it.

Thing is that i have had some great support from friends, in particular trying to help me get out at weekends but they cant always be there and i need to meet more people. Reaching out to people is hard for me I feel unsure of myself, like my ex said..im a very private person and an introvert..he said I became so cut off at the end, and I know that’s true..i told him that we should have talked it out.

i miss his company so much. I just know from experience how bad it can be alone..even for him, a social extrovert..he said he couldn’t stand it..thats after he said he would probably be alone for a long time!

People generally arent too easy for me to get to know, im not a natural..i end up standing alone quite often.

She has convinced him that he is too old for me.  She said it to me in that kind of pitying, condescending way. and he had also asked me if i thought he was too old, did i really want to sit with him when he was 70.

It makes me feel bad, i said no, i never saw him the way he sees himself and she has obviously played on his doubts.

We were together 4 years. his gf before me was the same age as me and he was with her for 7 years..this woman is just 5 or 6 years younger than him. I hate the rationalisation of that’s why it doesn’t work..its not the age, its how he behaves!!

Meeting someone is going to be so hard. I dont feel ready for it and i dont know where to start having fun when i dont have an outgoing personality.During the time i was with him i NEVER was attracted to anyone else so i am not that easygoing. I must have met him by total fluke because I remember I was really unhappy back then. So i wasnt giving out any vibes that i was aware of, i remember thinking i had given up..i met him at work, it was a social event! can you imagine the torture it was for me to do that work?

I have tried new things, been out a few times with friends, walked all over the place, taken boring aimless journeys alone..but i dont go out enough. My friends are occupied with kids and other stuff they have going. Im really hung up on not having kids too..it suddenly became clear to me that this might have been the last chance I got. I really wanted it all with him but he didnt.

Ive been concerned with money now im alone. I need another job but have not found anything so far, several other things are not coming through for me..it all mounts up.

In contrast, my ex told me not to worry about him because he made a lot of money last year, he bought himself a new car..i dont know why he felt the need to shove it in my face, since i certainly supported him getting there. i told him it was unkind to say it. And interestingly his girlfriend said he was worried about me …so why does he criticise me so much to my face? Since he was making all these stabs..i inadvertently returned the favor and said something unkind about the car..i could see he was hurt by it because it hit home about something someone else had also said..i felt regretful and also just a bit of ‘yeah, you deserved that’.

I know its about making steps forward, i guess i feel i made some and nothing happened, no new connections and no excitement..there is no miracle cure for me im just one girl of many, he had parties to go to, lots of invitations and met her within weeks and she was also outgoing and jumped as soon as she got the chance… i feel im waiting…for them to break up?

But the worst is just that i cant STOP. I think one thing and lay it to rest, but 1 hr later i think ill just text him this..he is sick of it and i am sick of myself. Its not that often, i left him alone for 2 months and only recently got in touch..but he doesnt reply and it makes me crazy. I guess because he didnt give me the answers i wanted i thought i could get them from her…i did, but i regret going now because i was emotional and she looked triumphant which made me feel worse..you said ‘ wow, youre beautiful!’ yeah, thanks but all the guys end up thinking they are somehow not good enough for me? how did i make them feel that? He told me it was good that she on the other hand has had lots of relationships..he said it means she is generous!!

this is my freakshow but not of my choice 🙁

Hi Anita,

It feels like that writing about this doesnt help. I just reveal more problems.

I have had more hardships lately and it feels constantly and more so that i am being tortured by life. Dramatic maybe but i just can´t get a break from it. When i try to help myself i am beaten down. I am now frightened to choose a direction it is that bad.

It has made me feel venomous towards my ex. i felt like threatening him, i felt like hurting him. he dumped me in this, he left me and said i should feel sorry for his current girlfriend because “she had been through so much”. Who chooses someone as a life partner out of pity?  and then i remember, i asked him to be my boyfriend to protect me from other advances…it was the same, he never had to try and never would bother. He often gave more to a stranger than he did to his own family.. some say that is a Gemini trait. I am still struggling to forgive!

I certainly don´t see my parents relationship as ideal, but i know they do. They see our modern relationships as doomed from the start because of so many factors and every failed relationship cements the doom further. No, i don´t want what they have.

I just want to feel comfortable being alone but i experience it as a frightening and humiliating experience, i guess the tension must be on my face all the time.

Hi Anita,

I didnt really want it to be a mother issue but it seems typical. i realised some time ago that my ex and her shared some very similar good and bad traits. For some, putting up with his negative comments would have been unacceptable, the way he would twist something against me…but to me i just laughed it off and i realise my self respect sensors are all wrong, i didnt react the right way because i didnt understand where it was going..perhaps because of my upbringing.

My mom is always turning things to be about her, i reckon that shows some narcissism..and i have read a few posts and webpages about it which all clicks. Its very manipulative..not obvious at first to others but relentless undermining my choices and decisions. She wont stand being told and she has rarely apologised. If she does..she will find something else to get mad about with you. Both her AND my ex have a longstanding fued with a sister and wont talk to them. Ive tried to get both to snap out but its impossible. Both feel and say that OTHER people are controlling them rather than the obvious reality.

She is protected by my father, because they are of a different generation where men do a lot more for their wife but my dad is overly so..he does most of the chores and handles everything. My dad was never close with us kids…quite the opposite but he dotes on my mom which can be quite nauseating. I think they work well together but he has to put up with a lot of criticism and i dont think it is such a healthy relationship.

Could i handle being poorer? I don’t think so. Money does matter. I am used to a certain life level but i dont want to be rich, i want to be able to afford a holiday now and then and buy good food. Right now i am worried i wont make it to the end of the month, that is a horrible reality for a lot of people and i dont even have kids, i cant afford them!

Hi Anita,

you have to wonder what will happen next right? what a mess my life is, my head is in total turmoil again so i know it sounds garbled.

I feel i must stay really still not to upset the universe since everything i do is turning it upside down. I was turning to the starsigns for help, mine said stay patient and dont react to people’s bad temper…well i did.

Talking of starsigns…a fair few of them all said a relationship from my past would come back around…it has left me now in a limbo of hope, i am struggling enormously with coming to terms and forgiving..as i said that build up of anxiety..i want to be able to forgive…and not cry!

I have lived alone before and i do now, i don’t thrive on it though, i feel isolated and lonely. If things didnt go so wrong all the time i wouldn’t be falling back on my parents for help. I need to find additional work or a different job, i guess that is the 3rd option. but taking the step is difficult..i am worried its the wrong one. I guess i need to sit still for awhile.

Moving away is not possible in the immediate future but dependant on work options available to me. As i said before, i dont have much trust or faith that i can do better. I need to heal first and stop being hit emotionally all the time. If it means blocking everyone out then thats what i have to do.