Hi Anita (and thank you to others who have sent their good vibes 🙂

I have had another couple of tough days…i have tried not to believe i am cursed. I am having a difficult time at work which has been escalating, i learned i need an operation (although it is minor, not life threatening), i got two huge electricity bills out of nowhere and am seemingly being paid less for my job so i just cant afford to live without help…i was in tears today and yesterday, its a mess.

the panic has not gone away, the thoughts of him and her have not either and i keep trying to think of things to do to pass time. I am taking various lessons…but plans i make are struggling to work out for various reasons and i feel strangled.

Moving away is something i thought of doing right before i met my ex..so he changed my mind. Now, i just feel tired and old. I have moved a few times in my life and it is very hard but mostly because i dont particularly have a career. but it is something i have to consider since my current job is getting worse…

ive had cognitive therapy before but it just didnt do much for me. I am trying to use exercise as a way to just tire myself out which should also make me look better too. confidence is what i have always missed in my life..when times are good i also dont have it, maybe its a missing gene! But now i just feel really unsure about any decisions..the only consistency i feel that i have are failures.

when things keep getting worse…you need superhuman strength not to break, what do i do so that i dont panic about all these external things happening to me?

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your message…i feel somewhat like i am pouring my heart out too much. You are hardly rambling. I know what you mean about not loving yourself..i think i have that problem too.

As far as my ex is concerned..i know and knew, that he disappointed a lot of people..his family, his friends, some strangers. He is a magnetic person..ive never seen before how someone can attract others so much. He just had a presence for fun..and to a certain extent i didnt have enough energy to keep up with him even though i loved him..i wanted to be the homelife, he had more energy than a 20 yr old. But he definitely has issues and doesnt admit it.

Finding the self love is perhaps one of the hardest things…i am trying one day at a time..at least, i wont jump into another relationship to drown another out..thats not the answer.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your wise words…i needed to talk it out. And i hope you feel better too. The patience is the hardest thing, others have told me too but they have also said its going to be very hard for me living where i do.

i have just had this feeling of panic and a knot in my stomach that turns to pain, in know its just heartache but i feel worn down by it sometimes. So i was walking a lot, just really trying to get away from everything. i have lost a lot of weight because of it with or without the walking. All the anxiety.

I havent contacted my ex but can’t shake the feeling that we should be together. its stupid but there it is. I do have things i do during the day where i dont think about him but as soon as everything is done i am back going over everything, while i am walking it runs around my head. And it feels like an engine revving constantly inside, i must get something done, i must move forward.

I guess when i feel worst, it is acute and i need help…when i am calmer i can look at it with more patience, think about bending and not breaking, sit with my loneliness instead of howl about it. I am not a cryer really, just in those first days but i dont usually. But patience is a difficult thing for me now..at this point in my life where i feel others were already taken care of, im still waiting for some high point but instead just struggle on.

I used to have a friend who contacted me when she had achieved things: career, promotion, bought a house, marriage, baby all in that order..she listed her success and then asked me how i was doing, it was always pointlessly competitive because i never got any of those things but i felt she was making herself feel better by seeing i wasn’t getting anywhere. Eventually i had to cut her out of my life because i realised she always made me feel bad after seeing her and she had been an old friend so it was a hard choice to make. This was years ago now, she got all those things within about 5 years..i am still trying. It makes me feel bad, we are all judged by achievements.

I know that no matter how i twist and turn in it, my ex doesnt love me the way i loved him. As much as i wanted him to, he couldnt commit either. While he gave me a lot in return; encouraged me, supported me, loved me..i have to accept that he also had the capacity to be cruel and unfair. I am also a very sensitive person so it could hit hard. Then when the smoke cleared i would see he was reacting childishly or selfishly. I dont understand his problems, why he cant open up more, why he doesnt trust but i guess i never will.

I compare this with the guy i lived with for 7 years, who i sort of fell into a relationship with because i was alone and then found myself stifled and bored, it was the opposite. No passion, no excitement whatsoever, no moving forward and insecurity so that i felt i had to stand in front of him. His parents were controlling and he always gave in to their demands. I spent too long with him, i got very depressed. Literally the only thing he could give me was the commitment.

I am so used to being alone really..not by choice.

Hi Anita,  I know it doesnt seem reasonable or rational..but i know im no saint either. I have been obsessive, when i want answers i find it impossible to stop trying, a mystery is irresistable to me and he was always that way, never quite communicating what he thought. I guess it was deluded but i was in love.

I keep hanging onto each day, just trying to find something pretty in it. When i commit to something or become loyal, it seems its almost unshakeable….which means i gets taken advantage of by others who dont see what the big deal is..I guess they would say lighten up but when in that mindset i just dont see, i get really hurt.

What all this really means to me..is that the marriage, the kids doesnt mean as much to me really as the commitment in return, real passion..and here was a man who just cant be that person, no matter how it seemed. It hurts a lot, he may have lost me my chance to have a family but i feel like i am slowly letting it go..i have to for my sanity. Despite the deep bonds, i dont jump straight into the next person’s bed..i guess realising it might be years was just too sad.

Thank you for helping me through this..despite having friends to support me and family, i just was looking for these “answers” everywhere and you have really helped me.

Hi Anita,

Relationships seem to be a popularity contest, not a comfort zone, not a loving place anymore for me. Twice now i have had a relationship fail because the guy wants me to be more and more of what he expects of me and not myself. I have to be more organised for him, more outgoing, more in touch with his family etc…basically to fit the role of a mother.

I have a problem with social anxiety, i often feel drained if i am uncomfortable and can analyse events afterwards often with some slight that someone has made towards me…this happened a lot with my ex. But now, i believe myself instead of doubting what my experience was. The people i met with him were flaky, fake and often flirted with him or were jealous and ignored me…it wasnt my imagination. It wasnt fun but he wanted me to come out more and i pulled back. He had a few nice friends but it became a struggle for me to go out when i felt anxious about it and i wanted more and more to stay in…he got tired of that and felt cut off from life…i felt i failed him in that respect, i lost him with that and the few times when we had a great time together. This also happened in my previous relationship. I guess the problems happen when they refused to do things i want to do but instead demand more of me.

As far as the women with children is concerned…to a certain extent i feel that where i live it is a big deal. Making friends is difficult without children, i am seen as a threat to stability or as a childish person of no purpose. Having children gives women a position of some responsibility and respect and i guess power too. It seems to me that men really actually want…a mother, and she is one already.

I think that women are conditioned in the world anyway to believe a woman who has married has “made it”. The guy picked her and made it to the altar, its a respect thing that we are conditioned to expect when in reality men fall short of the image all the time. It starts very early with cartoons and disney princess characters. Whether we like it or not, the dream that someone will take care of you or be your soulmate i think is just there in the back of your head. But i have never dreamed of marriage, in fact i have an aversion to wedding dresses and the whole pressure of it, we both werent into it really. I just wanted the commitment which of course was promised in the beginning. I saw some old emails, he was saying he was my husband, i was his wife, he told people we would get married but it never happened…he seems to be unable to do it and made excuses. I guess i was had.

What i cant bear, is that she will be what he wants when i was not…that he will make a commitment to her and that this will show me that i am not worthy of that. It will also tell me that i am no good socially..because she will have met his needs there too.

Hi Anita, Thank you..like i said to Fazc, my mood is up and down all the time… I was with the last boyfriend for about 4 years, we broke up in early oct but it was a long time coming i guess. I think to a great extent yes, he was more interested in how i looked (because i was younger by 10 years). I feel that he has issues with his own age and he often said it was great the attention he was getting because i was with him. What i thought was probably not really a concern to him. He was infatuated in the beginning..i read about narcissists and he fit an awful lot of the description, towards the end there was a lot of criticism.
Its just sad, especially when you see other couples that seem so effortless, im tired of feeling i have to do everything alone. My example is my parents who might bicker with each other but have been together since their 20s and do everything together, they dont understand what is wrong with the men to be so flaky and feel that something has been lost in my generation to the detriment of women.

Hi Anita, thank you for your answer. I suppose its not really even the marriage, i dont particularly need that but its the knowledge that someone is staying with you because they choose you. I can’t seem to hang on to the guys. Once the excitement is over they want me to be different to how i am. How do you stop people from judging you on looks! they are attracted and thats it, they are not listening to me but maybe they never do. I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I miss him but he is freezing me out of his life and acts childish. I sent him a new years message hoping to be just normal, he replied fine and upbeat but then didnt reply to my next message….this drives me insane and its agonising…does he care, doesnt he and so on. The problem with the brain is it doesnt know its been dumped, i do.