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I tried a lot of counselling overtime but only one really impacted me. She had helped me with codependency (which still coming to the surface from time to time ) and story with my family. She had also gave some homework and book to read. I have great respect for her. But the following few never reach that level. Im practicing mediation every morning for last half year as a daily routine and I am more aware of the game of my ego. I would like so much to feel my heart instead of being in my head. To see instead of being blended by the clusters of my brain. To feel from my soul instead of being trap in this tiring game of the depression. some day!
I would have to hear please. I have met 2 counselors and did some work on my co dependency but it still have some lingering here and there. The problem with counseling is that it just talks but nothing change, nothing moves, nothing get release. You just talk about it over and over, changes some words, but you still wake up one morning, still feeling like hell, or waking up one day to realizing that the last week or the last month, you repeated the old program and upset your friend and you don’t realize it’s done. It’s so tiring. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I move that energy to where it’s worth to spend my energy. Connecting with myself with authentic self, my higher self, connecting with humans to deeper meaningful way.
Yep! that’s pretty much it.
They don’t force to walk on eggshell or isolating myself. Its only an old program I can’t ride off. I was never be able to be myself in the house I grow up. I always had to tiptoe around the sound, to not a sound because I will slap in the face or be put down on knees for sometimes. I never knew how my mom will react or my dad. I had to make myself invisible to not bother them. They didn’t want me around and therefore I never been seen or heard. Everything was always interpreted in the wrong way. So now Im walking on the eggshell, grasping and holding so tight the little I have, fear of losing it. I am afraid to surrender to my friendship and let it be and see where it will takes me because I’m afraid to be fully present, Im afraid to show my authentic self because I dont know if it would be loved, afraid to be hurt again, to be yelled at, to be punished. Its not their problem, they want to see me happy. I know it something good in me otherwise they want have stick with me for so many years. I am no longer in contact with my family, I cut ties years ago and its better that way and I put a lot of distances with them but now I’m here going through the motion still stuck with the old program and I’m tired of it.
I never shared online (only with people around me or counsellor) and I dont know why I shared it here and I dont know what I’m looking for by writing this post. I just dont want the darkness be part of my life anymore and I feel I’m losing battle. Maybe my story could be a lighthouse for someone whom their boat it still not has in disrepair as mine. I dont know! Im tired! I dont know where I need to be. I am tired, I just want to be my own best friend. I dont want to depend on others anymore. Im tired, broke, have a home but not feeling home inside of myself, inside of my physical house. I can’t do it anymore living in constant cycle between yeah! and “nobody loves me”. This not a life!