Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply, it is extremely helpful for me.

I agree. I am sorry to reply so late, I had a busy day. You are right, he was impulsive, and I do remember some other moments, that I did not mention here, that confirm that. It feels fine to remember it. I am, however, quite consistent (maybe too consistent) regarding my actions and feelings, maybe I would need someone similar in the future, if this is possible.

Yes, indeed, a congratulation is the nice thing to do in this situation, I would have probably done something similar. I think this comes also from my perception that maybe he told those people that I was insane, as he did with me and his other ex, and this makes me feel uncomfortable. Somehow, I feel like the perception is that I was the intruder in their love story, that he was unable so much time to be with his dear one because of me.

Regarding the last paragraph, I really hope I won’t feel as desperate and that what goes wrong is my fault, I need to further work with myself so I will be able to identify, if not change, when this will happen again. I really hope it is possible.

Thank you again! I hope it would be fine if I post again here, in some weird moments.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by User34.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply and insight. I did not observed a long term problem free relationship before, you are right, and of course there are problems and bumps in all relationships. However, I find myself comparing things and my memories and the situation I see now somehow seems to be weird. For example, I feel like the insults were only for me at that point, and if they were, then maybe I deserved it. I am not sure if I put it well in words. Also, I sometimes feel like all our common acquaintances  believe I am insane.

I think my thoughts are faulty at this point, I will try to be better.

Thank you again and I wish you a great day!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your insight and kind words.

I did ask him politely this morning to remove or hide the pictures, he said he would once he gets at work, but it is 10 pm and he did not. Maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot, but I won’t ask again.

You are right, I feel better now without the panic, I don’t feel that scared anymore. It is difficult to feel like someone you care about is not fine, and I sometimes went too far in order to do what I thought was correct at the moment. I did experience similar feelings with a family member and he knew this. I also felt guilty that I was not helpful enough to make it better for that person. Same with him.

Looking back, I see now that I was in a bad place mentally, but since I had some moments of “peace and happiness” between chaos I thought it was normal, it will also pass. However, I was sometimes running to comfort or talk to him after work hours, and other times I felt so bad that I cried at work, or was not able to study for my exams. I remember feeling the need to remind him that I, too, have feelings.

Right now I’m not hoping to find a balanced and nice “soulmate”, I just hope I will become a better and balanced person myself.

Thank you again!

Hello,

First of all, I hope you are well and safe.

I was thinking the other days about this forum, and I finally got the courage to write an update.

During the last few weeks I felt as if life was never going to be the same, and I think I might not be the only one. The pandemic and break-up left me feeling completely alone and disconnected from the people around. I also realized how disconnected I am from me, how I don’t listen to my own feelings.

The pain I felt from the break-up got easier to manage, but I still get flashbacks regarding the way he used to treat me sometimes. Sometimes it’s about our good moments, sometimes about the bad ones. It is still strange for me to think they are both coming from the same person (e.g. being kind and caring, then yelling or accusing and insulting me).

He is still with his coworker and my supposed friend, and social media says they are happy. I really wish he would delete the pictures with me from his pages, or at least make them private, so that only him could see them. I am not sure why, but it is sometimes uncomfortable for me to know that my face is still there. Would that be an inappropriate request?

I lately got the feeling that I was quite scared of him, not necessarily about physical violence but emotional. For example, he used to turn off his phone when he was drinking and being angry or in a fight (not necessarily with me) and we would not know what happened to him (his parents sometimes used to go and search for him in the middle of the night). I was always scared that these moments would happen again, that something might happen to him and I wouldn’t be able to help.

Please, let me know if you have any insight, I would much appreciate it.

Wish you a great day!

Dear Anita,

Yes, it is true regarding my mother. I did not wanted to make her feel even worse and I try to accept my past as it was.

Regarding my ex boyfriend, I personally don’t really know how to understand his actions. When speaking to me he seemed to be sincere, but sometimes after a while (sometimes during the same day) thing would turn around again and the understanding person in front of me was gone (what I mean here is that he seemed to “take the apology back” and sometimes try to blame me only). I am a bit confused about this, but I think right now that I tend to believe the words and forget the actions that follow.

Dear Anita,

I am sorry for the late reply, I hope you are well. I got verry stressed as I have to finish my degree this month.

At the moment I am a bit still struggling to understand what happened in the last two years. I had some flashbacks, for example about things that had happened, and was quite surprised about how I reacted at that time.

Indeed, the relationship with my parents is important in all the other relationships. They got a divorce when I was a baby (probablly around 1year old), and I lived withy grandparents until I was around 13 years old. My mother was.. Mostly depressed, I remember she cried, probablly depressed and she started feelimg a bit better about 10 years ago (I am 22). My father..I don’t really have a relationship with him (havent spoken to him in 6 months).

I can see how this affects my perception about relationships. When I was a child, I used to beg them (mostly my mother) to spend time with me, but I don’t remember it “worked”. So I felt abandoned over and over again, felt like it was my fault. In my romantic relationships, I also did this, out of fear. However, in my last relationship he said that he would kill himself if we break up (if I break up with him, if he breaks up with me, he said all the options), and I think this influenced me to pursue this behaviour even further.

I recall now that I used to beg him not to speak poor of me when he was drunk (he was calling me stupid, idiot and others not worth mentioning here), I used to beg him to stay calm, to drink less.. And sometimes none of these seemed out of place to me in the moment. I felt like it was a natural thing for me to do.

I am sorry for the long post. If you or other readers have any insight, thank you in advance!

Hello Anita!

It is good to hear from you. Indeed I do agree with you, it is important to know someone before becoming physically intimate. In this case, I did known him for a year before starting our relationship, but I do think I ignored and minimized some problems, as I really did believe that things will (somehow) get better. I think now maybe also actively observing should be on my list from now on. Thinking about it, I think now it is also important to set boundaries.

I do form strong emotional attachment to men quickly, and get back from it very slow. I am going to try stay in contact with reality, and not in my imagination. Thank you for your reply, it is good to put once again these things ”on paper”.

Dear Anita,

Thank you again, I very much appreciate your input. It helps me a lot to talk about this situation and to listen and read thoughts about it.

I will definitely have more questions as time passes by and I process what happened.

I hope this weekend finds you, Inky, and all of us safe and well and yes, we should help one another.