Forum Replies Created
October 4, 2015 at 9:11 pm #84739
I need to make a routine – I have to get up earlier and make a good breakfast and make no excuses to miss exercise….biking…swimming….kettle bell. Need to focus on me. I keep thinking things like “I can’t believe this is happening.” Especially ex with a new boy friend…always thought I’d be with her. But this is as it should be. I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow and an outpatient program. Thoughts are awful….been to ER twice this week. I want to be indifferent – for some reason this is rearing it’s head now. Working with a crew to get through this.October 1, 2015 at 2:59 pm #84536
Dear Anita –
I think it is accurate to say that I am extremely mad! I’m not sure exactly at whom but I am mad. I’ve been eating donuts all day which is bad because I’m diabetic. The stories I play in my head seem so real and they are filled with anger. They are filled with blame towards others, towards myself. It’s accurate to say I’m not doing much to help myself. In fact, my therapist, who has been allowing me to text her through my depression and pain has said that I am not trying. I keep sending her texts about my ex-wife and nothing about what I’m trying to do for me. Who am I? Who do I want to be? I feel so close to being that angry psycho ex husband who causes a scene because he’s painted a picture that is so clear in his mind. Perhaps I’m ruminating again Anita – saying the same things – I don’t know.
It’s accurate to say that I don’t like me. I don’t like my thoughts, my actions, my physical appearance, my lack of motivation. I tell myself I’m trying but I really am not trying. I’m not sure where I learned that – there’s something inside that says “I can’t do it.”
For all the intellectualization and wonderful words I read in the books I pour over to learn and become a better person. There’s not one I can think of that’s done me any good when I consider where I find myself. I pray to the spirits around me – I ask them for the guidance out of my self-induced hell. Day after day, I do the same things, think the same thoughts and look forward to just getting into bed at night so I can read more books that I’ll forget by the time I wake up. Then more head is immediately filled with thoughts of my ex and her new macho boy friend. And then the pain starts all over again.
Sorry Anita, I’ve done it again. I seem to want to wallow. What’s wrong that I want to wallow? What am I getting out of it. There are days lately when I eat donuts (I’m not a huge guy by the way, just need to lose weight – but diabetes too!) anyway where I say “just take me now – take me away – kill me donut.” Certainly not positive but feels accurate. Did you mean something else Anita or am I just missing the mark again? I really can’t remember the last time I was happy. That makes me sad and scared. All the books I read lately say that I have everything I need right now to be completely happy yet I think I’m still searching for something. When we seek we suffer. I’m not good enough just as I am, not accurate, but a belief.September 30, 2015 at 10:06 pm #84483
Thanks to all of your comments and thanks Anita for pointing out what I tend to do frequently. Rumination torture is one of my bad habits. There really is beautiful caring advice you have given…I need to take it in just like I need to take in the great guy I am. Blessings to you all. I’ll use this all as a reminder of staying positive.September 30, 2015 at 12:22 pm #84451
Thanks all – this is helpful – I know so much of it is how I see myself and she always did say “I’m not what you really want.” And, of course you can interpret that as you’re not what I want. I was too much of a couch potato for her. I’m trying to live life more now and be more active. My ex got breast cancer 8 months ago and has completed all the treatment. Turns out I found out two days ago that she had flown to Florida to be with a man who had been there for her during her cancer. I know that I should feel great for her she had someone with her and it may turn into more than just a friendship. I asked her about it and was hurt – she doesn’t want me to ask her anything more about her personal life which I guess is fine. It hurts me so deeply though – I wanted to be next to her during that time. But she’s found some studly guy and of course I’m already thinking I’m less than and a wimp. This guy used to be a fighter pilot. My self talk says I am a total loser. I have put my ex on such a pedestal that I feel my happiness depends on her and although I know this to not intellectually be true I still feel it. The pain is immense and I do mean immense – debilitatingly so. It’s like someone swooped in and stole what I thought was mine. He got to be the hero and of course looks the part too. I feel so bad about myself it’s awful. I really am trying to get a support group around me and I’ve started to exercise and I do try to eat healthy. The thoughts of them together are just awful. I’ve got to find some tools to get it out of my head. I feel like I failed her and now she’s mad because I got too jealous and wimpy. This pain is awful. Why am I always the one on the side that hurts so much? Am I too sensitive? Are there women out there who want that kind of guy? I guess, like someone said, I need to like me first. In the meantime I watch and ache as my ex moves on with her life. I went to the ER last night just because I was in so much pain.August 23, 2015 at 10:06 pm #82236
Thanks for your perspective Anita. I’ve been really down more and more each day. I got hooked on Tolle one night talking about this pain body and thought I’d stumbled on to a big epiphany….it does make sense and I cn see how my pain body cme out in the marriage. But I’m clinically depressed and felt like I’m going crazy trying to not resist the feelings. Either I’m not doing it right or it just doesn’t work. I’m checking with doctor tomorrow for new Mede as this is so awful. Trying so hard to not call ex. It’s intense.August 19, 2015 at 9:40 pm #82092August 19, 2015 at 12:07 pm #82044
Oh how delicate this mind of mine can be. It’s insanity. Depression doesn’t help any.
So I’m reading bettywhite’s reply and feeling comfort there as though she’s representing a perspective that I can’t imagine but like the idea of it. Of course then I beat myself up because I like that my ex might be stewing too. I shouldn’t feel that way. But, by golly, I’m free for a little bit and it’s great. Then lo and behold I get an e-mail from the ex asking if I can take our son for a whole week…obviously she’s going away on a vacation. Where? Who with? I’m completely sunk again. My mood is at the whim of these thoughts and it’s frightening to think I won’t be free of them. (Again, depression doesn’t help, in fact it’s complete misery).
So, Anita makes perfect sense but nothing I haven’t heard or thought about or worked on in therapy for the last 5 years. You’re probably right Anita. I’m so tired of trying to understand my need. I’ve looked at this from every angle a zillion times and the feelings are still here. My intellectualization of this has covered all the bases but yet I continue to flounder with the belief that only my ex holds the key. I can know that that is of course not true at all. I hold the key. I know. I know. I know. I just can’t turn the fricken lock, that’s the mystery.
I so want to respond to her e-mail with something like, “I can’t deal with this, I’m way too depressed.” The weight of just the idea of that vacation week coming and not stopping my thoughts. It’s almost unbearable. I can only hope that my meds kick in by then or that’ll be the week from hell.August 19, 2015 at 9:37 am #82024
bettywhite – Thanks for your perspective. It was quite comforting. I think there just may be an addictive nature to my rumination. It hurts to keep thinking about her but it could be that she’s a distraction for some other hurt that has nothing to do with her. Boy, it sure feels like I miss her though, even though she didn’t treat me very well in the marriage.August 19, 2015 at 9:33 am #82023
Anita – fair question. I was borrowing my daughter’s iPad for the weekend to try some things on Skype. I was logging into Facebook to check things out for me but since it’s her iPad it automatically logs in as her, so, boom, there’s a new selfie of the ex. Ugh! Still painful.
I would appreciate your thoughts.
I realize since I posted this that I am in a depression which has been going on since before I saw the FB stuff. That only exacerbated things and am having difficulting not ruminating over it.September 21, 2014 at 12:17 pm #65308
I feel like I’m in a world all by myself and nobody gets me – am I so lost I can’t even see how I come across?
The fact that no one has responded – while I’m sitting here aching – makes me think, “boy that guys messed up, I’m not responding to him.”
Can I get some perspective?August 5, 2014 at 10:16 pm #62732
Wow! This evening got worse for me. So maybe I’m over thinking this but my rant earlier…..was it self absorbed and pitiful?
I get this text from a friend whom I recently re-connected with from years ago and he says….
“I guess you don’t have much need for my friendship since I only hear from you when you’re struggling. Take care.”
So, is it true, maybe a little, maybe a lot but then he says….
“I’ve struggled for years and manage to think of others…..that’s not condemnation that love bro.” What?
I want to be able to own my stuff and I get where he’s coming from but is that not superiority or what? That’s Love Bro????
Am I way off base – is this night a wake up call for me. Am I a horrible person? That just seems mean what this guy said.
Any thoughts? Should I start a new thread for things like this?July 31, 2014 at 4:07 pm #62349
Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. So sorry for your situation. It’s hard when you are in it but know that it won’t always be this way. As my mom always used to say, “this too will pass.”
As I gather there are cultural and economic issues that I may not fully understand from my point of view but I think at the very least you do have to follow what is best for you. We can’t make decisions based on what other people are thinking of us (I speak mainly of your in-law situation). It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment – wanting out of that is nothing to feel bad or selfish about. Don’t compromise what is best for your own well-being. As others have stated here – only you know what that is but make sure it’s about you – nobody else. That may mean what’s best for you and your child and/or including your husband (or not).
We can’t change others, we can only change our perspective. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking your selfish – sometimes being selfish is the best thing for us.
Take time – find peace in the day – answers will come in the silence without the need to think so hard of how to fix.
Take care.June 4, 2014 at 3:12 pm #58105
I think a lot of my consternation can be attributed to the fact that I am very aware of my patterns but still fall prey to them quite often – like I said, I know what to do but don’t always do it. Trying to be aware enough to make the right choices and find the “right” frame of mind is my goal. I know there has been much negativity and I know my examples have not been great – I’m just becoming aware of much of it. You can’t change what you don’t see.June 3, 2014 at 2:30 pm #58020
Thanks all for your wise comments. I’m at a place sometimes when I can “see” what you’re saying and I know what is best. Like holding better boundaries and having minimal contact. Sometimes she calls and asks if I will come fix her TV or computer or printer…..I need to say No, but it’s like if you’re so done with me then why do you keep calling and needing me.
I know it shouldn’t matter what she does, it’s how I respond. I know meditation will help – my therapist has been suggesting it for years but I keep avoiding it. It’s like if I don’t have weight, job, money, ex to worry about than who am I. I find myself pacing the floor a lot lately just figuring out what to do next as I’m aware that I don’t want to numb (eat, watch tv, spend).
Much of the time the thoughts are…”how can she be over this so easily and just wants to be friends? I can’t be her flippin friend right now, shouldn’t that be OK? I’ve told her a million times how I’m not over this and it’s difficult but she keeps reeling me in. We were texting friendly like over kid stuff just minutes after the grocey store encounter. Does she like hearing me say “I think you’r beautiful?” Ugh, that sounds repelling to me after I say it. I’ve done a lot of repelling over the years – and when I realize how much I’ve done (do) it I want to apologize profusely for doing it. What a vicious ugly cycle!
Bottom line is I think I know what I need to do, I just am not doing it.May 30, 2014 at 3:17 pm #57734
I can understand how you feel – breakups are very difficult and there realy isn’t a way out of that but time. Cliche I know but so true. In the meantime, worrying about what she may or may not do will only make things worse and causes misery. The thoughts in your head are just that, thoughts – they aren’t based on reality but merely a story your telling yourself and I know the pain of breakup makes those stories incessant and un-ending but you’ve got to make a shift in how you think about those stories in your head. Might be hard right now but just watch them for what they are and say – “wow, I’m really making up lots of scenarios in my head and this isn’t helping any.”
I can tell you from experience that needing to find out what’s going on in her head or what she’s doing will send you down a road of pain and the only one doing it is you – she can’t say anything to make you feel any better, even if you think she can or even if she did your mind would likely not be satisfied and turn to another story – and then we’re back to just more stories.
Easier said than done but, if you two are broken up then let it be a break up. When the sadness about that comes up just notice it and say, “yep, this is sad but it won’t always be this way.” You have to keep doing that over and over and eventually you realize that the times between when you feel sad are getting longer and longer. Sadness may turn to anger or blame or quilt or whatever but it’s all part of it. Don’t get stuck in the trap of thinking you were lied to our used, most people are not doing these things to us that we imagine – they are just being who they are from a perspective of how they see things, it’s not personal although it may seem so. Bottom-line, don’t worry about her – just do what you need to (outside of anything to do with her – no calls, no texts, no “just let me ask one thing”). Do what you would do without her being around or in the picture.
When it’s new and fresh this will all seem terribly difficult and that’s OK – it is – but, like I said, it won’t always be this way. Sorry for the spot you’re in but, you really will be OK!