@Inky: Thank you! I’m slowly learning to trust myself again.

@Anita: Your reply really touched me! Especially the words, “The fact that you did not leave does not make you responsible for his abuse of you.” I had never thought of it that way. I always felt like it was my fault that I let this happen to me. But you’re so right! Nobody deserves to be treated how he treated me and every person is responsible for their own actions. Your reply made me feel so happy. To be honest I’m still studying and I can’t afford psychotherapy right now. Most of the days I feel quite alone. Some days are so hard that I just wish I had someone to lean on, even for just a while. I’m close to my parents but I don’t feel comfortable telling them about this. I tried talking to my current boyfriend about it but I don’t think he understood the depth of what I feel. I asked him to give me some time alone and few days back I was feeling much better and I texted him but he didn’t reply and now it has been around a week since we have spoken. I’m not sure what’s going on but this has been triggering some pretty bad panic attacks everyday because my mind keeps remembering the way I would be ignored for days, sometimes weeks by my ex. I feel like my mind remembers that pain and fear so clearly. I have a friend who I have spoken to about this and she’s quite sympathetic but what I want right now is not sympathy. I just want to share what I feel with someone who understands how I feel because they have been through the same thing because sometimes having to act all cheerful and happy all the time is just so hard. But on a good note, I have started to find ways to control my anxiety and panic attacks. I started meditating and it really helps me calm myself when I start to feel anxious. I’m also going to start painting. It’s always been one of my hobbies and I heard it’s quite helpful for people who suffer from anxiety. Well, this is how I’ve started my healing process and I’d really like to know more about yours. It would be very helpful.

Thank you both for your responses

@Inky: I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. I’m quite close to my family and I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to be abused by them and not be understood. Regarding your advice, I cut off contact from him last year itself so this is not something I’m struggling with. I had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that something like that happened to me but I have accepted it and what I’m really struggling with now is being able to trust myself and the person I’m currently with. Sometimes I’m scared that I might let the same thing happen to myself again. Moreover, I start panicking that my boyfriend is doing the same thing to me. When I’m calm I know that he’s not the same as my ex but sometimes I have these panic attacks and I can’t think straight anymore and my head gets filled with all these negative thoughts. You said you were abused by family and friends. How then did you find the courage to trust yourself and others again?

@Anita: Since you asked me I’ll try to briefly share my story. I started dating my ex back in 2014 and the relationship felt so good at first. There were a few things that I found weird during this period such as he wanted me to dress a certain way so he could show me off to his friends and sometimes he would jokingly comment on my physical flaws that made me quite conscious of my body. Although it did strike me as odd, at that time it didn’t seem too serious and I just dismissed it. After around seven months his behaviour started changing, he would ignore my calls, we would argue all the time, he was disrespectful to me in front of his friends (he would talk about getting close to other women at clubs and then he would text me later saying that even though he hangs out with other women I’m special and so I shouldn’t feel bad). Basically he became really cold towards me and when I tried to point it out he would tell me to stop nagging him (I even started to believe that I was the one nagging and causing these problems). After around two months he broke up with me and since then until the middle of last year, although we didn’t have an official relationship, there were periods when he would be really nice to me and give me hope that we’ll get back together and then all of a sudden he would become distant and start ignoring me. This is the period when I was treated quite badly. I was too deeply in love with him and I thought that doing everything he wanted would somehow make him realise how much I cared for him, that’s why I tolerated his behaviour. He knew how I felt and used that to his advantage to turn me into his booty call and I went along with it thinking he genuinely wanted to spend time with me. What’s worse is that after we had sex he would basically act like I’m invisible (I couldn’t leave immidiately because I stayed quite far). He wouldn’t bother to even look at me and sometimes he would lock the door and make phone calls and he even started receiving phone calls from someone late at night. Over time he hardly made any effort to even hide the fact that he was flirting around with another girl. He would always hang out with her and even received her calls when he was with me. When I tried to speak to him about it he would tell me that I’m assuming things for no reason or I’m just imagining things and at this point I was in so deep that I believed everything he said. I started believing that I was this crazy person who was always overthinking and doing all the wrong things. The only time it ever got physically abusive was during sex. Sex with him was really painful for me and most of the times I would scream amd cry and beg him to stop but he would either close my mouth or just ignore my screams and keep going. Once he was done he would either ignore the fact that I would be lying there crying in pain or he would tell me to stop being a drama queen. Well there were times that I tried to leave but he would say things like “I’m going through a hard time right now and I want you to be with me but if you want you can leave”, and slowly I started feeling guilty to leave him. Last year things seemed to have changed for the better, he was being really nice and we even planned that he would move in with me. During these months when I had become so hopeful for our future, he started borrowing a lot of money from me. I wanted to do everything I could so that he could come and live with me and we would finally move forward in our relationship. We were only two months away from the move when he started acting cold towards me again. Then I found out that he had gotten back with his ex and he no longer had financial problems and so he didn’t need me anymore. This is when I decided to cut him off completely. The surprising part is that he does not even realise that he did something wrong. There are many other details regarding his behaviour but I think I have already written too much.

As for the question of how I realised it was an emotionally abusive relationship, well I recently moved back to the country where I went through all this and this brought back memories that I have deeply buried inside me that I didn’t know still existed. Also, I started noticing how different things are in my current relationship. I’m not blamed and made to feel like I’m a terrible person. It’s also because me and my current partner are not talking as much as we did when I first moved (we would talk on Skype for hours everyday but now it’s once every three days). I realised that I was using him as a way to avoid dealing with all these issues. The day we started speaking less often and I had more time to be with myself, everything that I had avoided for so long began to come to the surface. I’m dealing with these emotions everyday and it’s like a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m calm but there are also times when I have panic attacks and I get scared and I’m neither able to trust myself or my partner. I hope this answers your question. I’m sorry for such a long post.