Maitri2all,

Thanks for your input! I do agree that we should focus on the light and the lighter sides of things. But sometimes you have to go through the dark before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If anything Buddhism pushes us to embrace this inner darkness while other religions sugarcoat life or fight against this darkness. I think Buddhism is the light in the darkness, which doesn’t attempt to distinguish the darkness but to shine some light on the darkness for a deeper understanding.

The links you gave seem really interesting. I am going to check them out. I am a fan of Thich Nhat Hanh so thanks for that quote. For me it wasn’t a matter of focusing on the toothache but pretending like the toothache wasn’t there until the tooth became infected and now needs removal. I am in the removal process.

As far as the “Fun” forum on Tiny Buddha not being updated, I really like that. The internet is full of fun things and funny sites. I frequent them plenty. I am an avid watcher of Youtube videos featuring babies laughing, animals doing silly things, parodies, pranks, etc. Laughter is medicine. However, I enjoy that the focus here is on deeper issues. In our individualistic American society, many people don’t have an outlet for their pain or have discussions about their problems. You pay professional people to listen to you. Such is the case with me. We lack community in America. It’s all about pretending to be okay. So I am glad that people can find a community like Tiny Buddha to open up and share their experiences and help others in the process. It’s not depressing ranting like on the FML site but people who are genuinely interested in understanding their problems and finding solutions. And people like you who want to help!

Thanks Once Again,

Zenhen

Amelie,

Thanks for taking the time to answer the rest of the questions.

I am glad that you are making these realizations about your self and your behaviors, even though it may be painful. Don’t add more pain to yourself by feeling regret or shame about the way you have treated yourself. Try to be understanding of yourself. The scarring yourself was just a coping mechanism. You were trying to remove the pain. I noticed that I showered compulsively and washed myself at least three times to feel clean. When I got out of the shower, I never felt clean. Now I realized that the abuse made me feel dirty and I was trying to remove the nonphysical feeling of filth in a physical way. I also noticed that anytime I felt like crying, I would take a shower and cry there. However, now as adults we can find a better method. It seems to me that you are doing just that.

“I made some devastating discoveries about myself… the pain was so intense that sometimes my life didn’t seem like it is my life… sometimes I felt like I was disconnected from the world…”
I feel you 100%. For me looking at the pain was like staring directly at the bright sun and burning my cornea. I literally could not look at it. I had to look away. So I had to look at it in bite size pieces and unplug/disconnect when it became too overwhelming. I still do this but I have changed it. Rather than hiding or suppressing it, I looked at it like looking at a book of my pain. I could only read a couple of sentences at a time. When it became too much, instead of stuffing the book under the bed or closing it, I would leave it open on the table and choose to walk away. So I acknowledged the pain but still understood that I couldn’t take it in all at once and didn’t try to suppress it. Now I can read pages, hopefully soon I can read chapters and then after that I will be finished reading it altogether and can put it down for good. Then I can move on to another book with drama, adventures, happy moments, melancholic moments and all the above. Because I have not dealt with this book, I haven”t been able to move on to the other books that life has to offer. The process is very slow but at least we are getting there.

“I have never had many friends. I just can’t maintain friendship relationships. This has bothered me for years… I have always, always wondered what the hell was wrong with me…Then I saw that I’ve been pushing people away. My whole life… always pushing people away. People come to me, but I just don’t do what it takes to create a bond.”
Yep, yep and yep! I let people get extremely close to me. Many people will say that I am a great friend and a valuable asset in their lives. However, I don’t get close to people or let them in. Major trust issues. Major issues with intimacy as I didn’t learn to form healthy attachments and bonds. I fear they won’t like me or accept me if I showed them all of me. I fear that right when I decide to let them in that they will hurt me, abandon me or reject me or use me or all of these terrible things that my mind can conjure up. Also I crave closeness and intimacy more than anything else but at the same time it feels highly smothering and uncomfortable. I have been very vulnerable and open with my current partner because I haven’t done so in past relationships. However, it is with strings attached. I show him my vulnerability then I put my defenses up. I attach many conditions and he has to pass many tests to prove he is trustworthy. I don’t mean trustworthy as in won’t cheat on me but trustworthy as in you aren’t going to manipulate me because I showed you my weakness, etc. Sometimes if I feel I showed him something too ugly about me, then I will be very sweet and accommodating. Almost as if I want him to see that I am still a good person. I feel like I am screaming “please love me even though you truly saw me. See what I made for you. See I what I did for you. I’m not so ugly after all.” This really has more to do with me not accepting myself fully, with not accepting my hurt, pain, fear, weaknesses and all. We have rejected that part of ourselves for so long that we feel others will reject them too. Ironically, when people show me these sides of themselves, I love them more, just as they are. My partner and I both have unhealthy patterns of relating so we are seeking couple’s therapy now. Just last night I told my boyfriend rather nicely and calmly that I just wanted to leave my whole life behind. Just hop in the car, just me and my dog Chopper, and go anywhere. Maybe come back, maybe not. I told him I just want freedom and independence not necessarily from him but in all aspects of my life. I have been a world traveler and we were discussing it in these terms. But after us talking about it more, I realized it was not just a case of the travel bug but a cop out too. It was just because I am getting too close and attached to people here and to this place. We moved around a lot as a child so I never really could form good, close relationships. I notice that right when I get settled somewhere, I want out. I want to start something new, somewhere else. I am unsure how to overcome this at this point in life.

“I discovered so many hatred towards me that scares me to death.” Same here. I wrote down all of the hateful things I felt about myself. Logically, I knew these things weren’t even close to the truth but I felt they were true. I wouldn’t suggest doing this until you truly feel ready. I thought about doing it for a very long time but worried that I would have an emotional breakdown or spiral out of control. I finally felt ready. It was painful. I only looked at it once but it felt so good to purge it. I felt like I was vomiting these feelings out. Also instead of criticizing myself for feeling hatred towards myself, I was kind and compassionate to myself. This was hard to do. But seeing myself like I would see a friend sharing this information with me helped a lot. I would be kind not cruel. I would console not criticize. I accepted that I felt that way and was understanding as to why. Then I could finally work on changing those feelings. You can’t change, if you don’t know what to change. So the list provided me with insight and understanding. I linked each emotion to a particular cause. For example, I felt unlovable because I was told I was unwanted. I even linked events to memories. So I kind of did an analysis so to speak. So anytime I start to feel hate towards myself, I think of the list and know why versus believing what I feel. I also remind myself that these events happened in the past but don’t necessarily have to dictate how I feel now. So I think of other more recent events when I was wanted, when I was lovable, etc.

“But I’m scared this feeling will go away (like happened before) and suffering will come back.”

Amelie, it will be a roller coaster ride. The suffering will come back but each time a bit more gentle. Life is a cycle. So don’t cling to the pain or to the pleasure. Enjoy the happiness, clarity, joy while it lasts, also be present to the suffering knowing that this too shall end. I know we can get stuck feeling like the happiness is temporary and the suffering is permanent but it is all temporary. In a way this can cause anxiety but it can also bring relief if we center ourselves in the present.

” I’m afraid the part that hates me will come back.” You must mend the break, the split. There is not a separate part of you. You are a whole person. In the West, we learn that we are good or bad, black or white, male or female. It’s not that easy. We are one person with many different parts all functioning for the sake of creating a whole, balanced person. The part that hates you really just hates your suffering, your pain not necessarily you. We confuse our emotions for who we are. As in my pain is me. We even use it in our language ‘I am happy, I am sad, I am hurt’. If you feel that your emotion is you and you feel pain, naturally you would hate your pain thus hating yourself. However hurtful, these emotions are necessary. They point to something that needs fixing/healing, which you are doing now.

Also your emotion has nowhere to go so it turns inward. The anger and hate is towards your pain, towards the ones that hurt you. It has no outlet so it just goes back to you. These emotions are volatile because they always end up hurting you. It’s not necessary to hold on to them but not necessary to bury them either. Give them a healthy release. Grab some old plates and smash them with a hammer. Take up kickboxing or fencing. Scream loudly. Write about your anger and hate and hurt. Just make sure to release them not cling to them and not bury them. Someone explained to me that resentment is really meant to be resent to you. Wonderful lesson! Still working on my resentment! Slowly these emotions will settle and begin to transform. All emotion is just energy. It just slides back and forth on a spectrum. You can feel it in your body. When we watch a movie for example, we can see this transference take place. You will laugh then that laughter will turn into confusion then into suspense then the suspense turns into anger then anger turns into weeping then it goes back to feelings of joyfulness when the ending is happy. Our emotional state is like an ocean, on the surface the ocean shifts and changes; it can be turbulent, calm, etc. However, when you swim deeper and move away from the surface, the ocean is still. So know that although there are all of these varying waves of emotion, when you go deeper within yourself there is stillness within you. It is easier said than done. Just like deep sea diving, swimming deeper within ourselves requires training and equipment and learning how to breathe underwater. Remember that we always have to resurface. We can do so without getting caught up in the waves of the surface. I am sure you are acquiring the right tools.

Thanks for sharing your experience and reaching out! You are doing tremendous work!

Sending you lots of love,

Zenhen

Matt,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Your insight has been a tremendous help to us all. I had a strange episode last night. My boyfriend and I went to couples counseling for the first time yesterday. It was actually really great. We felt extremely connected so we tried to be intimate. We haven’t been in a long time since the last time I felt I was taken advantage of. Everything was going great. I was feeling aroused until penetration. Only his tip was in, when suddenly something immediately switched within me and I started sobbing. I was sooooo overwhelmed with shame. There was no flashbacks or memories just this intense feeling of shame. He was so supportive though. But this caught me way off guard. I thought I was doing great. This never happened to me before. I guess I just need to take it slow. And next time I will also try to control the pressure like you suggested. Or maybe I just will abstain until I feel more centered and settled…I dunno.

Also I had a question for you..if it is too personal you don’t have to answer. You wrote “But my body seemed to prefer the intensity and feeling of being taken by a male. There was a surrender that happened within me that was very appealing, and my body would become overwhelmed with pleasure. It was something that didn’t happen to me in a sexual experience with a woman, and yet I fell in love with women, never even feeling attracted to a male. What a crazy predicament!”. So you are saying your body was aroused but not your mind? What if a woman penetrated you? Would this cause the same feeling?

I am confused about this because I become very aroused by penetrating men with a strap on. I don’t do it in a BDSM way but in a very nurturing way. I feel as if I am freeing them by allowing them to be penetrated, to be submissive, to surrender, to express a more vulnerable side, a more feminine side. It allows me to express my masculinity too. So it is a mutual, sensual, playful exchange. I find it very healing. However this has turned me off recently, because my current boyfriend seems to only get aroused this way. I was the one who introduced him to all this but now he seems to prefer it over regular sex. He stays erect whereas when he is in charge he goes soft. I typically enjoy doing this with very masculine men but he really isn’t very masculine in appearance or demeanor. I am highly feminine in appearance so I love the juxtaposition of a very masculine male being penetrated by a soft and round faced, curly haired woman. Oh and he was really eager to try it whereas I usually have to do some heavy convincing with other men. I often wondered if he is gay or if he too is scared of his own masculinity. This is very distressing to me as what was once a very healing thing for me now feels more like a perversion. I don’t know if you have any insight to what might be going on here.

Thanks for your sharing, caring and support,

Zenhen

Hello Moonflower (Sean Lowe),

I am glad that our stories could be of help to you. The Good Men Project has several articles written by men regarding their experiences with sexual abuse (http://goodmenproject.com/). Just look for it in the search engine. Also http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/ is about male sexual abuse. I like this site but it also seems to be a bit anger fueled, which survivors like us need to express that anger and have ever right to be angry but we also need to focus on healing. Lastly there is also male survivor http://www.malesurvivor.org/. Matt, who has shared such healing advice on this topic, is also a male survivor. I am sure you have read his replies but I go back and reread them when I need to be soothed.

It is a shame that sexual abuse carries the weight of secrecy and even more so for men. People usually think of men as the abusers rather than the abused. I dated a man who was sexually abused by both his step dad and mother. I am glad I met him because until then I secretly hated men and wondered if they were all abusers. He inspired my website http://www.cybermancave.com. I intended it to be self-help and relationship help for men in an amusing yet healing way and also hoped to bring the topic up of male sexual abuse but at the time I just couldn’t face my own abuse much less discuss the abuse of others. Now by creating this topic and through the inspiration found on Tiny Buddha (such a god sent site) I feel I can bravely talk about this, especially seeing how it has helped so many people. If you ever want to share your story on my site please let me know.

I hope you can transform your suffering via self healing and self love!

Sending you lots of warmth and understanding,

Zenhen

Kristin,

Wow! I really enjoyed your writing. I am glad that you have found an outlet like writing to express/release your pain and hurt. I feel you and relate to you on being on high alert. Constantly scanning for danger. It is overwhelming for both the mind and heart. Even though you didn’t directly answer the questions, your story answered them all.

“i promise it’s over, i promise it’s over, i promise it’s over” Kristin, in a way it is over but in a way it never really is over, is it? It feels like the suffering will last forever. Even though it is physically over the wounds we carry are constantly and forever bursting open. However, I have faith that the suffering will be over, that we can learn to heal and that we can learn to love ourselves and others properly. Yes, the memories will still be there but they will be ever so faint, ever so far, ever so small.

Thank you so much for sharing and once again I am happy that our heart songs and heart cries can comfort each other. Please don’t be afraid to reach out. You are supported.

Sending lots and lots of love,

Zenhen

Donna,

“The key is to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable…there is nowhere to go, nothing to do”

I am slowly getting comfortable with discomfort. I am doing it with my body first, hoping that it will translate over to my mind. For example, I get cold frequently and I normally keep a light cardigan in my office or turn a space heater on. Now I have been waiting to turn the heat on or to put on a cardigan until I can’t bear it anymore. Slowly my body adapts. Our society is highly uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. The moment we feel pain, sadness, or anything else unpleasant there is something to numb it or make it go away. This transition at times has been very uncomfortable but it is exciting too. At times, the excitement turns into anxiety because I do fret about what next or what now or I was supposed to do this, etc. Now I am learning to just do what I can and to not come undone by the things that are left undone. Sunday I slept a little later than usual and I immediately felt guilty. How unproductive! But then I laughed it off because no one was expecting anything from me that day except for me. My expectations are all self imposed.

I am learning to trust! Paradoxically, I feel like I can trust more the deeper I go. Even though nothing is planned out or can be seen, I know deep down, it’s alright!

Thanks for the insight and inspiration!

Namaste,

Zenhen