Caroline,

“He sent me an email that said he loved me enough to walk away that I deserved better. WHAT does that mean?!?!”

There is nothing to read into. Thankfully, he has been honest with you. Now you are free to walk away and find who and what you really deserve. He can’t be forced or pushed or pressured to give what he doesn’t have. You mentioned he had an ex-wife, well she is an ex for a reason. At least you are a former girlfriend rather than an ex wife. I can understand that after losing your mom and your job, you need someone. Unfortunately, he just isn’t willing to be that someone. “Is this Karma, and for what?”. You might feel like you are being punished but you aren’t. You didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. You are being taught some tough life lessons on letting go and moving forward. Take what you have learned and be grateful for the experience. This is from the Peace and Loveism site ” In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.”

Below are some articles that may bring clarity about your relationship. I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend and I have found deep down I just want him to want me. I asked myself if he wanted me the way I want him to want me, if he loved me the way I want him to love me, would I want him then? The answer painfully was no, I’m just addicted to tragic romance and unstable relationships. I just need validation and assurance that I am loved. I am recreating situations I had with my parents, where they neglected me and I wanted more than anything to gain their love and approval. So I subconsciously seek out people who aren’t available and try to force them to be available so I can feel worthy of love. Meanwhile, I reject the ones in my life who willingly offer their love because if I acknowledged them then it would shake the false belief that I am unlovable. Now, I am learning to love myself and truly love others without the need to change them. I hope that you can stop punishing yourself and find peace. Sending lots of love your way Caroline!

http://peaceandloveism.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=5708

http://peaceandloveism.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=5455

Caroline,

First of all I am sorry to hear of the losses and setbacks you have experienced this year. I cannot even begin to imagine how devastating losing your mom, boyfriend and job must be. You can replace your boyfriend and your job but your mom you cannot replace so this must be extremely hard for you. I suggest to give yourself all the time in the world to grieve. Be kind and loving to yourself. Allow the sadness to come and engulf you because otherwise you will not be ready to embrace your new chapter in life. Know that pain and sadness is a major part of and a catalyst for growth. Although this year has been difficult for you, I feel that maybe your losses will bring you closer to you. Without your identity as a worker, girlfriend and tragically a daughter (even though you will always be your mother’s daughter), you will be able to get in touch with who you are. I feel that through your pain and unexpected/new found independence you will find a reservoir of strength that you never knew existed. This is a time to close out the old and the let the tears wash all the hurt away to embrace the new. A time of rebuilding and renewal. Through your loss you are sure to gain. The fearful part is not knowing where or how. So you are called to trust, trust in the universe and in yourself. Thank you for your courage to reach out and although you may feel lonely and unsupported, know that you are surrounded by love. Good luck on your journey.

Here are a few quotes for you:

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

Love,

Zenhen

Richele,

Thank you for sharing your struggles on this forum. I can’t really offer my advice but I can offer my experience. I too struggled and continue to struggle with feelings of low self worth. Although others consider me to be highly attractive, smart, funny, lovable, etc, I never believe them. I kept this hidden for a very long time, even to myself. When I started my spiritual quest and opening up my heart more, these feelings of inadequacy and low self worth started to rise to the surface. I had to dig really deep to figure out the source. I have everything that people would want: a good job, attractive and kind boyfriend, great network of friends but I still feel crappy and like I deserve none of it. I always felt that boyfriends just wanted me for my body and that they never really loved me. Many have tried to prove their love to me and it was never enough. I always felt like friends were only around because of the things I did for them. I felt like no one really loved me but just wanted to use me. I felt undeserving of good things. Most of all I felt like a fraud because my outside life didn’t match what I was feeling on the inside. I portrayed this confident and “perfect” persona. Really it was all a cover up.

So when I began to try to eradicate these feelings with positive thoughts it wasn’t working. I became depressed and gained a lot of weight to fill the void inside and also so that men would not be attracted to me. I began to truly see myself in a terrible light, even to the point of not deserving life. I realized that these feelings were not the illness but a symptom. Earlier childhood sexual abuse and verbal abuse really impacted my view of myself. I looked at myself through lenses smeared with shame and guilt. I felt despicable and immediately was disgusted by anyone who claimed to love me because I could not love myself. As hard as it was, I wrote all of these feelings down as bluntly as possible. For example, I don’t deserve love, no one will ever love me because I am ugly, and I deserved to be abused and lucky to receive it. I just wrote until I couldn’t write anymore. I was disturbed and shocked to see the final result. I couldn’t believe all of these nasty, illogical feelings that I had about myself. Revealing these buried feelings were quite painful and hard to swallow, however I felt like a burden was lifted. I showed them to my boyfriend and he couldn’t even began to comprehend how it is that I saw myself in that light and he said you know none of it is true. I said I know that but I don’t feel that. This was the epiphany moment for me. I had to change my feelings not my thoughts. I had to have a change of heart. I saw every interaction I had with another person through my warped perspective and I used any kind of normal behavior as “evidence” and reconfirmation of how I felt. I started realizing it had nothing to do with others but because I felt this way I was always going to “see” that people are using me or don’t care, etc.

Looking at the list really helps me realize just how untrue these emotions are. I wouldn’t recommend writing this list out until you are truly ready. Also seek help from a professional to help you because they will be able to give you an objective perspective. Things didn’t get better for me immediately but change takes time and patience. Just admitting these feelings alone were half the battle. You took the plunge and opened yourself up today so you are already half way there. Seek ways to improve your situation but do so wisely. If your weight bothers you, work on losing it but do so kindly. Love your body the way it is now and appreciate all that it has endured. Don’t lose weight in the mindset that I am an ugly person and I must lose weight to be beautiful. I did this. I gained weight because I felt ugly on the inside and I needed it to match my outside and I didn’t want men close to me because of my abuse. Also it would confirm the negative beliefs that I held of being unattractive. Then when I lost weight, I was my own worst enemy criticizing myself for being fat and ugly. I lost too much weight again making myself unattractive. Looking back, I created a lot of situations in my life to confirm what I was already feeling inside. I would say to take a deep look inside because no matter what your external circumstances may be you will still feel worthless if you don’t find the root cause of your feelings of low self worth. It took me time to realize this. Once you do find it, accept it. Be understanding of how you got there. Accept that we all carry hurt, pain, self sabotaging tendencies and be thankful that you have room for improvement. Just don’t confuse improvement with perfection. Also weaknesses are only windows of opportunity. You said that you had nothing to be proud of. I want to say that I am proud of you for opening up and for sharing. Because you were brave enough to share with us, I was brave enough to share of myself. Thank you and I send my warmest wishes to you and all the love in the world!