Dear kl292:

With a fresh brain I re-read all your posts on this thread, plus I opened the link and read about the suggested “Clueyness phenomenon.” This is my best analysis at this point and I will be thinking-it as I type-it. It is not a sure thing, of course, in my mind… not the gospel truth, but my understanding of what it probably is or could very well be:

You are focused and have been focused for so long on what appears to be a minor incident: sending a box of t-shirts and freebies to a peer instead of giving it to your parents. What this incident means to you is that by making the choice to send the box, you were a bad child to your parents.

The reason why this incident stands out in your brain so prominently as meaning that you were a bad child to your parents is that … you were not a bad child.

You were trained by your parents to believe that you were a bad child to them.

You now live with them. Living with them is keeping alive your knowing inside of you that they hurt you and significantly hurt you, but you are not aware of this knowing. You are only aware of the box.

A child does not feel guilty for his/ her parents without context. They instilled it in you. Maybe in subtle ways. They told you stories of how they were hurt- because of things you did. Maybe they didn’t mention that particular box but they mentioned many other things. I think you keep thinking about the box because you are waiting for them to mention it, as if THAT is still something they will blame you for and you are anticipating it. Still anticipating an attack on your well being for having committed THAT sin.

anita